Mitch McConnell returns to the Senate after three-month absence due to health issues
Welp, guess he's not dead after all.
https://www.cnn.com/2026/09/14/politics/mitch-mcconnell-senate-return-healthOpen linkView original on lemmy.worldSyndicated from the fediverse. Read and engage on the original instance.
View original on lemmy.worldhttps://www.cnn.com/2026/09/14/politics/mitch-mcconnell-senate-return-healthOpen linkView original on lemmy.world
87 replies
Wtf??? That worthless fucking ghoul is still alive???
This is an absolute ass timeline...
You cannot kill that which has no life.
This is one of the best lines Trey Parker ever wrote.
A couple of IV's of the blood of children and he's good to go
Nothing good ever happens
they finally was able to ressurect him with his phylactery.
Still no believable video
Only video I saw was him in a car and it was very clear he didn't even know where he was. Guy is legitimately not there and it's insane they're dragging him around for this.
He's a pos but it's still elder abuse in the end.
I saw a candid video of him in the wheelchair on the senate floor, talking to people
He looks more decrepit than usual, but I had no reason to think the video wasn't real
did it have audio that you could perceive his voice?
No, you just see him talking to some people inside the senate. Its sketch that the reports of what he said are only second hand accounts. Still reported by Associated Press, so hard to get more credible... overall suss still.
It's inexplicable why they are currently and formerly so secretive about his condition. Makes no sense for any good faith reasoning.
i just saw the one video of him in a car and hes clearly a museum exhibit
Yeah, if he was actually able to say any of those lines, it's probably heavily rehearsed. There's 2-3 direct snippets associated to him and that's it. Took no questions.
From the AP article
Something is fucked for sure with this and they are all covering it up
Video would make his unresponsive condition apparent.
He’s being kept alive.
Is he being "weekend at berinied"?
weekend at MITCH, backstory, his wife chao went to China with his phylactery in order to use lindsey graham's soul to reanimate the lich.
It's unfortunate that Jack Burton wasn't able to finish Mitch off like he did with Lo Pan, but at least he was still successful in saving an innocent jade-eyed lady.
Ooh, they've done a really good job on him. You can't even see the strings!
It’s all animatronics these days
It’s all compooter!
his necromancer is an expert at reanimating corpses.
Somehow, Mitch McConnell returned
Dang, I only spotted your comment after posting the same joke. Here, have an upvote instead.
Tbh I was really surprised I didn't see this particular joke when I posted it
Is it a joke? No one truly expected Mitch McConnell to return
Sure, but this specific combination of words was selected to mirror the same phrase spoken by Poe in Rise of Skywalker.
The joke is that, like J. J. Abrams, the authors of our timeline are out of ideas and just reuse existing villains instead of creating new interesting ones.
He's old enough to have had polio.
Well. He’s certainly not young enough to have had polio.
But they want to ban vaccines.
hes older than that, hes the silent generation.
Rumor has it he arrived on Earth on the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs
He's like 10 years older than Ruby Bridges, I think. That would have made him old enough to scream at her while she was going into her school building or throw rocks at black people going into soda fountains.
Good. Die.
Worth it
My man got the Pelosi treatment.
The only thing that makes sense to me is he's completely unable to speak. Other than that, no idea why everything would have unfolded the way it did and is.
Edit: He's talking too. Something stinks. Not saying it's not him, but there's something being hidden for sure.
It took some time for the dark magic absorbed through the ritual sacrifice of Lindsey Graham to fully restore Mitch to a shadow of his living self.
Every ladybug contained the essence of one youth. One young male, kept on Lindsey Graham’s body. Lindsey was the unholy vessel of the philosopher’s kidney stones. A host like no other. They had to use every single ladybug on Mitch. It wasn’t enough…
its the phylactery, why else would elaine chao go to china, she needed reincarination spells.
included the souls of several youthful children from asia.
Took time to find a guy kinda looking like him and the bit of plastic surgery to add Mitches face skin to theirs.
the necromancer had a tough time reanimating a disintegrating corpse.
Dude is obviously barely alive, I don't see how that's so hard to believe.
He spoke and moved, that's a surprise to me.
He heard a vote about paid sick leave was presented, and so had to come in and vote against.
He's a Chucky Cheese animatronic.
Are we sure it’s not a clone of Mitch, or a ghola perhaps.
The only vegetable in America that hasn’t been recalled.
Dear Mitch,
You look as fresh as spring lettuce.
Love,
Taylor Farms
Death, are you sure you don't need glasses?
Fuck it mate, we'll pay for your lasik if you want.
Just drop dead already
When everyone wants you to die but your will to spite them is stronger.
True mental illness. Go home and enjoy your last fucking 15 days on this earth.
Clock is still ticking motherfucker
Finally worked the bugs out of the Mitch Droid, it's ready for public viewing.
One of two things are happening here:
Or
How long can they move him around before the wire implants degrade?
It will outlive us all, the Mitchbot-800
Rigor mortis is the only thing that keeps him sitting up.
he is a lich, lindsey's soul only half-reanimated his body.
American gerontocracy.
They took only three months to finalize the clone? I'm impressed!
Some one brought something up when I shared to discord;
he's a millionaire, why is he riding around in a Travel Wheelchair? (cheapest, least comfortable option, usually only used when travelling for the fact that it can be collapsed quite small for car journeys)
Because accessibility is DEI.
/s
friday night at Mitchs. giving FEINSTEIN vibes, she was barely there when she had shingles encephalitis.
I'm here for all the paid leave jokes
He looked so much better in those proof of life pictures from a month ago….
One of the worst Americans in the history of this country. Hopefully he doesn't last much longer.
For all we know, he could be brain dead.
He has been the whole time, ever since being elected, that's not new.
Someone paint ACME on his chair and wait for falling boulders.
He does already look like a corpse, just look at those legs.
Impressive job on the doctors' part, if nothing else...
Real Duke of Edenburough energy.
So, no conspiracy theory about his recovery involving eating children brain parts or some shit?
Cue the scene from South Park where Chris Reeves was eating aborted featuses
not brains, but souls of the youth, and lindsey. probably been raiding the childrens hospital's cancer wards.
Hey, at least Lindsay Graham is burning in eternal shadow flame. Small consolation, I know, but I have no choice but to take it.
He's sucking Satan's dick now that he doesn't have to be in the closet to appease bigot conservatives.
Allegedly*
clone status
Or just cut the middleman and make sure he is 🤷♂️
This has to be the first time in history that the memes were wrong
Impossible! It's the Mitch that's wrong!
Looks better than Diane Feinstein did at the end though.