How to cope with workplace rejection?
How do you all cope with the rejection that you go through in the workplace? I've largely only ever been socially successful among groups where I share an interest, and even then, I still struggle socially quite a bit and tend to be somewhat disliked in any sort of group setting. Among the general public (so classes, and now work for many years) I've never really been able to make friends, and people range from being neutral to me but not liking me, to disliking me, to hating me in a way that feels like it should really only be reserved for people who actually brought you significant harm, to trying to be 'friendly' and then making fun of me when I'm still in earshot, and such. But I still have to work, which means that I have to just go to work and deal with hearing my coworkers talk about me negatively when I'm within earshot, noticing the difference in the demeanor when they interact with anyone else versus interact with me, notice when they actively try to do things to make my job harder (thankfully this is somewhat rare but it happens unfortunately).
If I try to bring it up to anyone who's allistic then they don't even believe me and will only take the most overt examples of extreme bullying as a sign that my coworkers don't like / dislike me, but it's hard when I have to deal with what can possibly be over a hundred micro-rejections just in a given day, and then I just have to wake up and do the same thing tomorrow, and every job's been like this so even if I felt like I deserved better and went somewhere else, then I'd just get treated the same way anyways (and this has been true for all of my work experiences and was the case in all of my grade-collegiate schooling as well, so I think that it's just something I'm always going to have to deal with). So how do you all deal with it? I can't just simply ignore it forever, since it still affects me even if I pretend that it doesn't. Rejection still hurts even if it's from people who I don't even really like anyways, and no matter how I act, whether I try to act friendly or whether I just try to keep my distance, it doesn't seem to change things. I don't think that there's any way to not be rejected, so what can I do to ease the pain from it?
10 replies
I was going to try and give advice but then I realized I haven't been in a situation where everyone was an ass so I'm not sure how helpful I can be. Some parts of my job make me unpopular but I don't normally think it's about me, just people lashing out and I happen to be there.
I can hurt if it's clear people don't like me but I tell myself that not everyone is going to like everyone and that the are judging the perception of me that they have, which is something I have no control over so it's not worth worrying about. That is not helpful if it interferes with your work.
I've had okay success hashing things out with people but the person was my peer and we needed to be able to work together and maybe more importantly not give the appearance of conflict between us because it would impact how our teams worked together. I knew why they didn't like me and I knew it was a miscommunication/mismatch in approaches so I asked for some time, brought a tea and was like "Yo, we are hitting a road bump and I want to figure this out because I respect you and I don't want to fight." It probably helps that I was direct but also emphased that we were peers because the root of the conflict was they thought I was being a know it all engineer trying to make them look stupid but I was asking questions because I wanted to understand, not because I wanted to embarrass them.
Do you think any of the problems you are having are due to "cultural differences" between autistic and allistic communication? If so, it may be worth being direct. You don't need to mention autism. For me it was like, I know you think I am undermining you but I am dealing just looking for information. Is there a way I can do that so that you don't feel attacked? They might be reacting to something you aren't actually doing but they think you are. It doesn't make their behaviour okay, but maybe it's a misunderstanding.
As another example I learned in a round about way that when I declined a lunch invitation the person thought I was insulting them. I'm vegan and gluten free and autistic, I'm not eating lunch at a restaurant lol. So now I know to suggest going for a beverage instead! I did say why I declined (food allergies) but they thought it was an "excuse" i.e. a slightly more polite way of insulting them. I don't understand them lol.
The talking about you within ear shot is fucked. One possible thing they could be doing is this social ritual where people "gently tease" each other to make the target feel like they are included in the group and there is also a certain level of intimacy. This sounds absurd to me, but my husband values that ritual with his male friends. Because I am pretty masculine some of the guys are work tired it with me (also ambushing me with nerf guns) and I had to ask them not to 😬 I told them I appreciated them wanting to include me but that I wasn't okay with it and they stopped because they were not seeking to hurt me. If you are able to manage it, and you think there is any chance it's not intended as cruel, it might be good to tell them that you find it distracting or something and ask them to stop. I would suggest practicing what you are going to say ahead of time so you can be clear and direct and not get frazzled.
Good luck. You deserve better than this.
I've only talked briefly about a few of the people who particularly dislike me with one other person who was a regular witness to their behavior, who more or less confirmed that they can't stand me. I know that it's not that everyone actively dislikes me, but there are enough people who do in my immediate workplace that I have to interact with on a daily basis that just makes it a drain to be there.
I probably should have been more clear that when people don't seem to think that I'm disliked at work unless I bring up issues of overt bullying or verbal abuse said directly to my face, is when I try to verbally discuss the issue with allistic people, who I do not work with, when they ask me about work and the conversation extends beyond just a basic one-line response. And I don't think it's that everyone at work hates me, and I'm not even sure that I would want friend-friends from my workplace. As I said in the OP, it's kind of a mix or a range between neutrality to utter disdain and unfortunately there's a decent cluster of people who have enough disdain and also social cliquishness to go along with that. If everyone was in the neutral to some dislike but still cordial zone, then I think I would actually kind of like my job. It's that enough people do actively dislike me to the point where it's very draining and hard to not have the misery carry over and have to be something that constantly weighs me down. I think that the solution is figuring out how to deal with the burden of the pain that the rejection and exclusion causes, even though I logically understand that I wouldn't even really want to be close with many of the people doing this anyways. The rejection won't go away, but if I can manage the pain, then I'll be able to more solidly engage with the logic that I'm incompatible with nearly everyone who holds me in active disdain anyways. But as it is, there's just so much rejection that it's just hard.
What worked for me was having a nervous breakdown and being fired. No more workplace, don’t have to deal with those people any more.
I'm sorry. I worry that this could happen to me eventually. I hope you were able to find something with a different dynamic.
if someone's trying to actively make your job harder, bring that up with a supervisor or HR. make sure you document the evidence over time.
personally i expect rejection and have learned to just chill in my own bubble. i don't even try to be likeable anymore. never worked before, and it's fake anyway.
It's rare enough thankfully that the incidence is isolated and hasn't become a consistent enough pattern of behavior to the point where I've had to do that. It was a little worse when I was younger in different jobs but at least I'm not there anymore.
I expect rejection at this point too from many people, but I still try to be cordial. It's fake but the whole person you have to be at work is fake anyways. But even though these are people who I know I wouldn't get along with outside of work, to have to just be there, day in and day out and have to just exist in this space where I know several people who I work in a direct capacity with for eight hours can't stand me is just so draining emotionally since I know that if I go elsewhere, it'll be the same since this has been my experience with the general public for my entire life.
I'm sorry. I've been where you're at and I don't have any reasonable long-term solutions for you.
I've been toying with the idea of setting up an autist-run and autist-led company or companies for quite a while now so people can just work together with as little friction as possible and live enjoyable lives, or at least feel comfortable in their jobs, but I really don't have the heart for entrepreneurship anymore so I'm hoping you or someone else here does and steals this idea and finds a way to make it work, for all of us. I can't do it alone anymore but I'd be happy to help any autist willing to try.
That sounds like a lovely idea. I feel so worn down by the concept of work that I don't know that I'd be able to identify skills that I'd have if a company like that popped up. But it still sounds like a great idea. I definitely don't have the entrepreneurial spirit though so couldn't be me either.
I'm sorry you've gotta deal with this. It sucks. I feel like with a lot of technical jobs the hardest part really is the social aspect of it.
A thing that helps me is to consider it part of my job duties, because like you said this will likely happen wherever you go. This shifts these negative interactions from something that just happens to you that you're powerless to stop to an obstacle that you deal with.
Instead of "I solved big problem that most people don't understand. Nobody cares. People still antagonize me."
It becomes "I solved big problem even in less than ideal conditions. I'm proud of myself for overcoming the technical and environmental challenges here. If I can thrive here then I can thrive elsewhere too."
I do my best to try and think of being rejected / disliked as part of the work experience as an autistic person. But it's hard to think that way long-term because it doesn't improve with time. I know that there's not much I can do about it, but I just wish there was a better way to cope with the large amount of negative energy that I absorb on a daily basis.