Do women actually enjoy sex? edit: Am a woman, and just curious.
I tried making a Reddit account and it asked me to build karma before I could ask on any of the relevant subs so I'm posting here.
I can personally say that if anything goes up there, it hurts, and not in a good way. It does not feel pleasurable at all. It feels kind of like placing a finger on an open sore and pushing down.
Also, if you're being examined, they tell you to take deep breaths, as if they know that anything going up is going to be painful. If sex is supposed to be pleasurable and enjoyable, why would doctors tell you to brace for impact, so to speak?
Lastly, women often scream during sex. It's often said they're screaming out of pleasure and not pain. But there are a lot of things I find extremely pleasurable, but I don't scream while I do them.
Is it just one of those things that is painful but we're conditioned into believing the pain is actually pleasure and I must have inconsistent pain tolerance and I am making a big deal out of this?
47 replies
I probably have vaginismus and my experience with penetration is pretty similar to yours.
Cis women do enjoy and even seek out vaginal penetrative sex, I eventually realized. Part of how I figured out I was different was reading a thread of all the weird stuff women inserted while masturbating. I was suddenly like: "Oh! They must really want something up there! Look at the stupid, dangerous stuff they're doing to experience that!"
There are things you can do medically if you genuinely want that kind of sex, but it's useful to remember that sex isn't just penetration. You literally never have to be penetrated to have enjoyable sex. It can be tough to find a partner, since PIV is the end goal of sex for lots of people (as is their perogative), but the world is also full of other types of people.
As for vocalization, the "oh fuck" (doc, it's like sandpaper ripping me in half) and "oh fuck" (I'm having an overwhelming but positive physical sensation) are pretty different kinds of yells, and generally sound pretty different. Like people don't cry just out of sadness, you know?
I have screamed uncontrollably from pleasure until I lost my voice. It was too much but my partner refused to stop because they knew exactly what they were doing and no safeword was said. I like pain, I like pleasure, I like sex. Sometimes it starts as pain and becomes pleasure, sometimes it's the other way around, sometimes it goes back and forth.
If you aren't having fun, you aren't having fun. Though, sometimes, vocalizing at all is a flood gate.
You should definitely see a doctor about this because it does sound like a problem.
But,
It's also possible you just don't like sex. You might be on the asexual spectrum. Your vagina might be reacting like this because you just don't want to fuck. Or maybe you'll fix the medical issue, be able to fuck, and then decide you don't like it. Nobody can know if that's gonna happen but you.
Talk to the doctor, figure out what the problem is. But please don't feel pressured to enjoy sex. If that ain't you, well it doesn't have to be. Besides, there's lots of ways to have a fun naughty time other than penetration.
Yes, women in general enjoy sex, and not because they like pain (although some like that too, but that's not relevant to your post). I've had the feeling of penetration described to me like a very satisfying pressure, no pain involved at all.
See your doctor. Your vagina can dilate far enough to give birth, the average penis should (taking into account enough foreplay, arousedness and no medical or anxiety issues) really not hurt.
Vaginismus, Endometriosis, Stress, Anxiety, not enough natural lubrication or the need for dilatation are the most common issues, but there are other less common things that can lead to pain. Nearly all of them can be overcome, especially if you have a partner worth keeping.
NEVER let anyone gaslight into thinking your pain isn't real or no big deal. Pain is a very complex reaction that consists of a sensory input and the interpretation in your brain as painful - noone can decide for you what should or shouldn't hurt. I was a long time chronic pain patient, and after the surgeons told me that they couldnt do anymore for me and the painkillers didn't help, i was able to slowly rewire my brain with the help of a fantastic physical therapist. i had been in pain for so long that my brain simply interpreted every sensory input in the affected body parts as pain.
If i was able to get rid of the pain that was crippling me for years, you can do the same. And the sooner you start doing something against it, the easier it will be - don't try to wait this one out.
My wife initiates sex quite often
I assume she likes it
Most people would need a mood to be set to enjoy sex or to be ready to receive something. Think this applies for women and for men who partake in anal sex.
By that I mean they need to get turned on to feel like having intercourse, because yeah, intercourse is strenuous and requires your body to be in a specific mode. For a penis inserter, getting turned on is a much simpler affair and can happen in a matter of about 1 second.
I don't know if they do to be honest. A lot of pornstars do, hahaha - they're paid to ham it up and overall they give an unrealistic view of how sex works. (Once upon a time the main watchers of porn would be people who hadn't had it yet. Possibly still the case)
Uhh despite my initial dismissal, i'll suggest this: some people might do it because sex can be akin to tickling, where your nervous system gives you mixed messages or gets overloaded. And, some women exist who grossly exaggerate their "noises" during sex, believing it makes it more fun or gives an ego boost to the husband. It probably can make it more fun for both parties, but the authentic noises - no matter how quiet they are compared to screams - are great as well.
Can't really speak for the experience of having a vagina but if it hurts so much that you don't ever feel like having sex, and haven't self stimulated in any way, talk to a doctor about it?
To tag on a relevant other point, I'll mention that many people find the stimulation of the outside of the vagina and inside walls to be the pleasurable part rather than the "poking" of the back aka top of the vagina. If it's just the back of your vagina, e.g the cervix, that hurts to be poked, that is normal. Sexual stimulation makes the vagina expand in size, accommodating the insertion of a penis; sex^1^ should be gently inserted unless you've requested otherwise, being one of the lesser number of receivers who enjoy rough sex - it's courtesy. It may be the case that your vagina is particularly short and hence you've already noticed the discomfort of insertions.
^1^ also an archaic term for a penis lol, used as such here.
Trans or cis?
I'm a guy, so I can't truly say first-hand. However...
I know that my current girlfriend (27F) has what I think would be considered " vaginismus ", which is a condition where she finds penetrative sex extremely difficult, due to some combination of fear and (at least anticipation of) pain. Basically she has a visceral panic/pain reaction to even the idea of having something inserted into her vagina, and that is followed pretty quickly with an emotional follow-up in which she wells up and feels abnormal and generally bad about herself.
To be honest I haven't had a ton of sexual partners, and this was not even something that I was aware existed before starting my relationship with her. She has even gone so far as to tell me that it's OK if I want to find someone else to have sex with if it's something that I need, but I don't feel good about that and I feel that she's only saying it because she is worrying about me having my needs met... She does masturbate and uses a vibrator to do it in a "shallow" way. She has considered herself asexual at times, which I fully respect, but I also think may be something of a coping mechanism, considering her problem goes beyond sex and into other parts of her relationship with her own body, for example visiting an gynecologist or even just putting a tampon in!
Personally, I'm still trying to wrap my mind around this concept, and even though we've talked about it at length I'm not 100% sure whether this is a manifestation of physical pain, or psychological phobia, or both.
I want to be understanding to her and we're working through it together, but it is difficult for both of us to navigate on an emotional level. I should add that we're both kinky, and so we have other ways of enjoying "sex" with each other that are not penetrative vaginal sex, and that she is starting therapy for this condition. I really love and care about her, and I want to support her and give her the time and space she needs to figure this stuff out. I've done some reading into it, naturally, but as a guy it feels basically unknowable to me!
She's generally a functional adult but maybe somewhat autistic, and her feelings from this range from embarrassment and shame to pain and self-hatred... so she isn't always the best at putting her precise words to her feelings. I have asked her if she has had a history of sexual abuse or trauma, and she said "no". To be honest, she has had some strange ideas about men and sex in the past, referring to sex as "inherently violent" and likening the penis to a "stabbing" weapon. She has had a history of dabbling in lesbianism and is well-educated in various waves of feminism, and hasn't ever had a boyfriend before me. My understanding is that she has had this mental/physical block for her whole life, even to the point of getting extremely anxious and passing out in sex ed class, or something along those lines.
So, that's a long way of saying, "no, not all women enjoy sex", in my experience. 😔
I honestly wish I could say it was somehow my fault--like, I wish it was just because I am terrible at sex. 😂 Because that would make it so much simpler... My girlfriend is a sweet and loving person, and it really makes me sad to think that she has such a deeply painful and antagonistic relationship with her own body and sexuality. It really makes me sad to know that she can't even put a tampon in without having an intense emotional reaction.
I imagine that she's not alone in this either, and that there are women all over the world who share this experience, even though it's not something that's commonly talked about. I don't know if your experience is similar or not, but if it is, then please know that you've not alone!
Anyway, sorry for the long rambling comment, but I guess I've been looking for an outlet to talk about this stuff...
Endometriosis. PCOS. Look them both up and please, please, please go see a doctor.
Ex had endo, it's a fucking nightmare.
We heavily modified our sex lives to adjust to it, a lot more foreplay and a lot less penetration.
I made a snarky comment but after reading the body I realize you're a female OP.
Go see a doctor. Yes women do enjoy sex and if it's painful or uncomfortable you might need to get something checked out.
I have, hence the examination mention. There's something that still confuses me, though. If sex is supposed to be pleasurable, why is it when you're being examined down there by a doctor, they'll tell you to take deep breaths, as if to say "brace for impact/expect pain"?
I am appalled that no one has brought this up so far- but it hurts because they are touching the cervix, which generally doesn't get touched, and can be very painful to hit. The speculum they are inserting is designed to slightly open the cervix for the examination.
OP, there are many sizes of vagina. You may have one that's on the smaller side, with a low pelvic floor. My partner is the same way, and penetration can be painful for them. We have switched to using very small toys or focusing on clitoral stimulation to get them off instead of relying on penetration.
If your doctor clears you, you may just have a low pelvic floor, and may not like penetrative sex. Which is fine! It's just good to know about yourself.
If the docor said "this is going to feel good" that would be a lot weirder
Because it's not sex, so you're not excited, blood flow hasn't increased, natural lubrication hasn't increased, muscles haven't relaxed naturally.
Several reasons. One, they're sticking a metal thing in there, and that can be painful, especially if they don't use enough lube. I remind them to use a lot. :) Two, you may be having a lot of anxiety and tightening up all your muscles (I know I do!) so that makes it harder for them to insert the thing--hence, they tell you to take breaths and try to relax. Also, I always try to go to a woman gynecologist. I'm more comfortable with someone who knows what it's like and they're usually much nicer, so that helps.
The expectation of pain is a huge factor for my partner, she has to be TOTALLY RELAXED to enjoy anything.
And this developed after us being together for like 10 years. We had super fun, impromptu sex whenever, and then that started to go away.
Point is, expectations of pain can make sex painful. So OP has a hill to climb to get to easy, comfortable sex.
Medicine traditionally does not consider the pain of women or children to be worthy of consideration. They only started using anesthesia on infants in the 1980s, as doctors had convinced themselves that infants couldn't feel pain, for some reason.
There are conditions where sex is painful that exist for both genders. Vaginismus is maybe 6% for women and phimosis is maybe 3% for men. Numbers on these things are tough to get as many people suffer them quietly thinking they are normal.
If you or your partner experience issues it is important to know you are not alone and you have choices. That said some folks also just do not enjoy sex. Many certainly do, regardless of gender or physicallity.
If you are having issues and you don't want to, I would advise talking with someone you trust and also seeing a doctor. It is good to get a few viewpoints on issues like this as sometimes they can be dismissed.
This definitely sounds like vaginismus from the body of the post and from the comments.
What helped my spouse was dialators. We went to an adult store for ours so we could talk with a clerk about what we got, but Amazon and a million other places have them as well. Kits come with various sizes, and you'll start small and work your way up. That and weed for relaxation.
For me, it hurts at first, but my body builds up lubrication after insertion. He goes gentle and slow for a bit until it feels good for me. I would characterize my pleasure from sex as kind of comparable to my pleasure from eating. In general I love sex. Not every meal is a Michelin star. Sometimes it is, just absolutely amazing and fulfills my every need. Sometimes it's just reliable and hits the spot real quick, like a peanut butter sandwich. Rarely, something is a bit off, and it's not that great.
But it's not normal for me to suffer. I stops hurting, it feels good, and I want it.
Thanks. How do you push yourself past the phase where the pain makes your eyes blur and water? I get to about just over an inch up and that's when I'll be yelling to stop, because it hurts too much. And that was with loads of lubrication. I feel like I'm making a big deal out of this when other women seem to just put up with it. Is there anything I can do to increase my pain tolerance down there?
You may be dealing with vaginismus, which is a condition where the vaginal muscles involuntarily tense up in anticipation of insertion. It can make sex (or any other kinds of insertion, like tampons or pelvic exams) extremely painful, because you’re stretching the tensed muscles the same way a muscle cramp would.
It’s largely considered a psychological condition, because it is typically based on anxiety surrounding the insertion. And that anxiety can quickly become self-perpetuating, as pain from insertion will likely cause future anxiety. Therapy (and practice) can help alleviate that anxiety, which can alleviate the tensed muscles, which alleviates the pain.
I obviously don’t want to try to diagnose you over a simple Reddit comment. But it may be worth looking into, because that much pain during insertion isn’t normal. And it’s possible that previous doctors have simply brushed you off, because many doctors don’t tend to take women’s pain seriously.
You’re not “making a big deal” — what’s happening to you is real — is also real that this doesn’t happen to everyone. What you’re feeling is not universal.
That doesn't happen. Like, it has never hurt that much. You're going to need to seek treatment for vaginismus.
That's not normal, go see a gynecologist.
It may end up being normal for you, but get a doctor's perspective - they can rule out dysfunction or identify what's causing pain and may be able to help.
Have you tried using a set of medical dilators?
As far as i can tell women do actually enjoy putting things up there. Hard to imagine the sex toy market would be as big as it is if this was some collective hallucination to mask pain.
Again, dude here but I assume the reason doctors tell you to brace yourself for things like that is because inserting things isnt pleasurable unless you are properly aroused and I cant imagine many women are aroused by medical checkups.
I'd wager your issue is more that you arnt properly aroused when you are putting things up there....that OR you've got some kind of medical condition that you should probably bring up to a doctor.
It doesn't matter if I'm extremely aroused or not, though. It's about as pleasurable as pressing on an open sore. I don't mean to yuck somebody's yum, but I'm genuinely baffled how anyone could find that feeling enjoyable, let alone bearable.
Because that’s not what they’re feeling.
I’m not sure why you’re feeling that way — but it sounds like something you should look into. Do you have any over or under sensitivities to other sensations?
Yea, it sounds like you've got a medical problem. As a guy I obviously dont know first hand but I have been in a 15 year relationship that averages sex 3-4 times a week and I can pretty confidently say that putting things up there should feel good. Hell, I dont think the strap-on market would exist if it didnt. Too many lesbians doing things to eachothers holes for it all to be some mass trauma response thats turning pain into pleasure.
Because they may have different anatomy or sensory feedback than yourself. Many women enjoy sex, some scream out of animalistic intensity of the pleasure, especially during an ejaculatory climax
I have said since I was a teenager, that women do not enjoy sex nearly as much as men.
Now that I'm older, it's gone from being sn observation, to understsnding why.
When men have sex, there's no downside, and it's easily the best thing we'll do all day.
When women have sex, they do enjoy it. But they have so many things to worry about. Are they going to get pregnant? Does this guy have a wife? Is he going to hurt me? Is he just using me?
Those are all things women have to think about with sex. Men don't.
I know I've never been worried about if a woman is just using me. It would actually probably be pretty easy come to think about it. If a woman wanted to just use me for sex? Like she just wanted to handcuff me to the bed, and sit on my face? It would probably be really easy for a 110lbs 5'2 woman to overpower 6'0 250lbs me. She could easily overpower me, and handcuff me to the bed. And if she doesn't have handcuffs.....I could bring some.....
Men have to worry about pregnancy too. If a man gets a woman pregnant, it's ultimately her choice whether to keep the baby or not, so the risk is she would want to keep it and you gotta help raise the kid or pay child support.
It sounds like you're coming from a perspective of women only having one night stands. In a loving long term relationship, I hope that the answer to questions like "does this guy have a wife", "is he going to hurt me" or "is he just using me" would all be no.
I'm being serious.
Ok. Some women definitely feel pleasure during penetrative sex. Medical procedures and the physical action of penetrative sex are not the same. Some women enjoy stimulation of the sex organs NOT including penetration. Women are a spectrum, not all will enjoy the same thing.
One reason im with my wife is her apparent love of sex. Its funny I knew guys who believed there were two types of women. the marrying kind and the ones you had fun with. I believed the same thing but it was only one type of woman.
The women that have slept with me seemed to. 🤷♂️
I am pretty sure you shouldn't be feeling intense pain putting things in a place at least 1 thing was intended to go. Have you talked to a gynecologist about this?
Women scream in porn. If sex is painful for you, you should see an obgyn
they also overexaggerate to,
Women scream in real life too - every woman is different.
Yes, of course, but based on the post, it felt clear to me that they were referencing porn
Or spit on it first at the very least.
No, it's a lie made up by the patriarchy
The Reagan administration stole the g spot and have kept it hidden in area 51 ever since.
Big Lube keeping the poor wo/man down.