This is why I love Lemmy. There's a recognition that we're all imperfect beings stuck in this crazy thing called "life" together. It only makes sense to support each other.
I really want this mindset to be everywhere, not just on Lemmy. I wish everyone had the support mechanisms that people need to survive.
An issue in some situations is a small number of people abuse the fuck out of the support mechanisms available. This leads people to agree with "we shouldn't provide it if it's going to be abused". Which they're obviously incorrect in stating.
I've never seen Star Trek, but if applied to reality it should be "The needs of the many outweigh the desires of the few"
To raise children: No license needed. We need more of them anyways. Please pump out as many of them as you can!
The number of people who advocate for this seriously and unironically is astounding. How would anyone implement licencing or checks in a way that isn't a basic human rights violation?
There's no way to do that, I understand the desire though…
Unfortunately the good solutions are all non-authoritarian left-wing (free high quality education, accessible therapy, walkable mixed-zones cities so kids are safe on their own by design, free health- and daycare, good strong social security, high wages and strong job security, lower working hours etc. etc.), so literally the furthest thing away from the current political climate. Either because right-wingers hate it in general or because they're so stuck in their phantasms they won't identify the correct solution if it was standing right in front of them.
Like any licensing, it'd be implemented, monitored and enforced imperfectly. The doesn't necessarily mean it isn't better than nothing though.
Many religions and cultures already tried it with concepts like marriage and bastardry. Personally i think they should improve on those systems and integrate them with modern technology, not abolish the concept.
What's the process for licencing? How do you obtain one? Who sets standards and testing for who is ready to be a parent? What do you do with accidental pregnancy? Or undeclared pregnancy? What would enforcement look like? And how would it save the child from suffering for the mistakes of the parent? What do you do with people who break the rules repeatedly?
You talk of history. Have you seen what happened historically in places where they tried to put children into "a better environment and punish parents"?
Small community Lemmy, you're one of those commenters that I feel like I kinda know (even though I totally don't. But I seem to upvote you a lot, so you're recognizable in a good way.) I just want to say, I think this is a really cool fact about you. It's like you were born a badass.
The only things that could make it cooler would be if you were born with your middle fingers raised, or your first words were, "Fuck the system" (in any language.)
In most areas in the USA you need to get a Rabies tag. You pay the county (or whatever) a fee and get a certificate and a tag to put on your dog collar. Both are numbered and can be used to get your information if your dog is picked up by animal control. They don't always call it a license, but that's basically what it is.
In europe we have subdermal microchip implants for that (the animal can't lose it and doesn't need to wear a collar). Also they aren't mandatory but practically every pet that is allowed to go outside has one.
That's a little high tech for governments in most areas of the USA. We pay the tax and get a stamped piece of metal (a literal dog-tag).
You can get your pet chipped here in the USA too, for a small fee, but that's just to help you get them back if they get lost. In some regions it's not worth it for that though. We used to live in Illinois and many pets were chipped in that area (outside of Chicago). All the vets and animal controls there had scanners and would check when an unidentified pet came in. We've since moved down south. Nobody has scanners here and many people have never even heard of them.
We have those too, but for a different/backup purpose. The tag is government issued and must be regularly renewed to show you're keeping up on vaccines and shit. The subdermal microchip (if the animal has one) is used for lost animals if there isn't a visible tag.
You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, or drive a car. Hell, you need a license to catch a fish! But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father.
Adopting a rescue dog has various home checks and interviews and welfare checks. Leaving hospital with a baby: "Do you have a car seat for them?", "Yes...", "You're all good to go then!", "..."
Probably the first time I have seen someone else start a conversation about it, instead of me doing and people feeling comfortable enough to join in with their two cents.
My dad would occasionally tell us stories from his childhood. Stuff like his dad grabbing him by the shirt collar and repeatedly punching him in the face.
When I was a kid it was just another story. When I got old enough to actually understand what he was talking about it was like, "God damn. No wonder you're like this."
I couldn't help but feel sorry for him. It didn't undo anything he did but it did help me hate him less.
I think I'm really fortunate that my dad somehow realized he completely fucked up and made an effort to repair his relationship with his kids. We're on good terms now and he's a way better Grandpa than he was a father. I know a lot of people go through their whole lives only getting to see the worst side of their parents. My dad included.
You are not alone. Your parents do not define your value. Despite their best or worst efforts, they do not ultimately get to decide what kind of person you will be.
My dad would occasionally tell us stories from his childhood. Stuff like his dad grabbing him by the shirt collar and repeatedly punching him in the face.
Bruuuh. I feel like I really shouldn't complain that much. Some of y'all got even more fucked up childhood than I did. My parents never hit me that hard, it was merely slap on my hand. So like... in an "overton window" where corporal punishment is socially acceptable, its actually kinda tame in comparison. I'm never gonna be like "okay" with that idea, its still very... unacceptable regardless of how society views hitting your kids, but like, to be fair, judging by that standards, on that "overton window", I didn't get abused that badly. My parents also didn't drink or gamble, so... I guess I got lucky the abuse is mostly just emotional. (still... depression is kinda slowly making me wanna kms)
(still... depression is kinda slowly making me wanna kms)
I tried that once when I was a teenager. Obviously, I failed. Kind of a cruel irony being told that you're never going to amount to anything and then, as you're working on your own suicide, you suck so bad at tying knots that you fail at that too.
20+ years later, I'm glad I failed. Depression is a deep dark hole that can feel completely inescapable.
It's not inescapable with the right help. You don't have to do it alone. You just have to be willing to ask for help.
My life so far has been a hard one. It's been made much harder by the fact that my stupid little brain is broken and makes it extremely difficult to regulate my own emotions. But there's glimmers of joy in the middle of all the hardness. I have things now that I never could have imagined on that day in my parents garage.
Things like self love and a sense of self worth, a family of my own, people to whom I matter a great deal, and a wealth of experiences that have taught me a great many valuable lessons.
Back then I didn't think anyone would care if I stopped existing. Now, I know that's not true. Sometimes I'm still here because I'm enjoying my life. Sometimes because I know there are people who love and need me. Somwtimes it's because even though I don't feel like that's true, I know it is and I'm leaning on my meds until my feelings normalize. For me, that's enough to keep me here until my time is finally up.
Keep doing you. You got this. Posted my story above yours and it definitely feels similar so I feel your pain.
You are really strong for everytbing you habe endured brl/sis. We got this alright! No matter what!! Also read up on any articles https://goodgoodgood.co/ says about Hope (The June One, This October one, The Hope Quotes one, and more). That is what has been keeping me going. Kinda why I keep spreading word about it too. They talk about how it is fundamental for everybodies lives based on research
I posted a really hopeful post on I think it was on politics community (I know politics suck) about the Senate Dems Caving. Made The Post To Help Boost Morale For The People. Take a read of it. Especially since it mentions the hope articles I mentioned above with links. It definitely makes the meltdowns happen a lot less
Will definitely do everything you recommend too. We got this!!
Sometimes I think I'd prefer physical abuse instead of the constant emotional stuff that makes you doubt yourself decades later. Like, my therapist tells me it was bad but they're a therapist, isn't that what they'd say? Mommy Dearest told me no one beat me so it's not abuse. Abuse is complicated.
Ah, the constant, unpredictable flipping between affection and cruelty. Sure made for a lovely childhood! Definitely didn't contribute to a lifelong fear of social interaction, and the resulting isolation.
My mother has never properly apologized to me for anything in her life. She says she's not the perfect mother but if you ask her about details of what she feels she did wrong, she will get angry. I honestly don't talk to her anymore. Homophobic, racist, islamaphobic, etc. I don't need to put up with that and no one else should be forced to either.
It was my father, but it's the same story. He never understood why i never wanted to see him after my parents divorced, and i did not come to his funeral. He was much nicer to my little sister tho, she did not see what me and my brother had to endure years before, and so she is still angry years later that i skipped the funeral.
That was the case. She lost my trust since I was very young. But fortunately I have a great father, who is intelligent and caring. I often feel sorry for him to have to live with my mother. On the bright side, their relationship seems get better in the resent years. Maybe time did heal.
I love to make a positive impression on the world. I love to empower children, give comfort to those around me, to volunteer my energy and talents for a greater good.
But in the back of my mind, sometimes there's a little voice that reminds me, "Whatever good you put into the world, your mom can vicariously claim to have created. This will never not be true, because she is responsible for your existence."
And I hate it. I learned what not to be by observing her. I learned how hypocrites are able to function, how some people are able to override reality with their "feelings," and how manipulators manage to get their way. Credit goes where it's due, for sure, but she really shouldn't be proud of the things she taught me. I became who I am in spite of her, not because of her.
I fully understand and empathize this. No matter what I do, it's thanks to her in her eyes. My faults and failings are of course not hers, but all of the wins and accomplishments are.
I'm very fortunate that I have great parents and was brought up well. I've never been treated badly by them. However, they have a very strained relationship with each other and it's been like this for years. But they're still together. It's very uncomfortable for me and my siblings because they can barely be in the same room for an hour without an argument breaking out.
Sometimes I think they should have divorced years ago and they would have been much happier.
My parents were physical with me early in life until they felt they could talk it out. My family always put restrictions on things and I didn’t really have input into things while I was there, my adult relationship was largely listening to them complain about their health, dodge political conversations and really never got to input anything into a conversation. If I did mention something they treated it as an ask for guidance and not just something to talk about. My parents never knew the real me that they developed. Thankfully I diverged after I left home as their politics are ghastly
I still haven’t decided when or if I’ll ever tell my mom about the ptsd she gave us. At this point, with the ways she’s changed over the years, I’m not confident she’ll listen or believe me.
I tried for years to decide that, and with therapy learned that was I doing it for her or me, and if for me does it really help? She'll never change, so it does no good. Instead I keep her a healthy distance away. I still see her, but measured intervals.
I came to the same conclusion. I know how my mom reacts to news she doesn't like - she defaults to denial. My memory has always been stronger than hers, so there's no shortage of incidents that I remember, that she has long forgotten. (The tree remembers what the axe forgot, after all.) If I were to attempt to bring things up, she'd deny such things ever happened. Instead of me having catharsis and her having self-recognition, I'd be put in a defensive position and she'd say I'm exaggerating or making things up. Which is to say, attempting to have a serious talk with her always makes me feel worse.
Thankfully, I have siblings, and they remember what our childhood was like. We have all given up on trying to get our mom to see the light. Instead, we have a secret group chat where we can vent as needed.
I have a sibling too, even more toxic than my parents. Single-handedly caused my first Adverse Childhood Experience that I can still remember to this day, the fear, the loneliness...
I've told this story before, but basically, I was like... idk 10 maybe, and I was in NYC, waiting for the subway with my mom, then this mini-earthquake happens (like very very minor), we didn't notice because the subway masked the shaking, so my mother coincidentally tried to make a phone call, call failed, IMMEDIATELY SCOLDS ME AND BLAMES ME FOR "BREAKING" THE PHONE. What actually happened was people were all trying to call because of the shaking so phonelines got clogged 😭 (this was before 5G, so congestion was a huge issue in big city). Like bruuhhh, literally got blamed for something a (mini) earthquake caused, so at the time I was thinking like: why is the 'god of the earth/ground' messing with me?
Not my mother, but on one occasion my father got really, really drunk. He wound up falling down the stairs and injuring himself. Out of an abundance of caution, my sister called emergency services. When the EMTs arrived and started taking care of him, he told them that I was driving. 0.o
More context needed. Sometimes my kids are savages, so yelling does occur on occasion. They're usually pretty great, though.
Edit: yikes, people took my comment way too seriously. I don't literally think my kids are savages, jfc. No shit, you shouldn't yell at your kids. I typically don't. But, I am not perfect, and neither is literally every single parent. We're humans and there are days where we have shorter breaking points and our feelings get the best of us, especially when your kids are being super energetic, chaotic, and not listening to anyone. The important thing isn't NOT yelling 100% of the time, it's apologizing and explaining what happened to them afterwards when it does get the better of you.
Honestly, I feel like I have repressed memories, I mean, the fear of the voice of yelling overshadowed whatever I supposedly "did wrong" and I never really encoded those into memory, since the fear was so overwhelming.
I mean, one of the things I do remember is she always ask me to help her with something, usually like translating letters, or help fill out forms in English, and since I learned English at school, she just forces me to translate stuff, and I kinda got tired of it sometimes, try to not do it or be like "later" then she gets mad.
Hmmm.... ugh I can't remember, must've been just too repetative my brsin refused to encode it.
I remember my older brother fight with me all the time, so we both get yelled at. Like we'd fight over who gets more food or something, or something about fairness. (poverty problems lol)
Or perhaps there is some school-related problem and my mother would argue with teachers, then use insults against me.
They (especially my mother) say stuff like "細路仔要乖乖聽話" ("Kids like you need to be more obedient"?) or "點解你死都唔聽我哋教你阿？我哋喺為你好，隔離屋會唔會理你阿？" ("Why would you rather die and not even listen to what I have to teach you? I am looking out for your interest! A neighbor wouldn't even care about you!" (because she is my biological parents and the "the only person in the world that cares about me"))
Also, she tells me: 世上只有妈妈好，没妈的孩子像根草。(Only mom is the best in the whole world, a child with no mother is like a blade of grass.) Basically it's sort of like: Your wellness depends on me, if I die, your life will be miserable, you should thank me.
@[email protected] sorry to tag you, but you speak Cantonese so: have your parents ever said stuff like this? Standard Cantonese family bullshit right? Tell me this isn't just me?
Nope. Yelling isn't okay. Parents are human and may do it anyway, but it's always a mistake and should be treated as such (except in the case of danger as mentioned above). It absolutely should be avoided as much as possible. It's an incredibly harmful thing to do (for any relationship, actually).
Child walking onto the street in front of a truck? Billy please come here, please don't walk into a truck. Never is such a strong word. And I have a mother who yelled, frequently, and I still think there are a few cases. Parents aren't infallible or perfect.
Totally cant relate. I was home schooled by my mother who had also been a teacher for a few years before starting to have kids with my father. She is kind, gentle, beautiful and still a continuing inspiration in my life.
My aunt regularly interrogated me about my decision-making, schedule and personal relationships
Without realizing it, I fell into a habit of explaining myself to her. I lost a lot of autonomy. She strictly enforced the practice of getting her approval before doing anything.
I learned to hide things and sneak around her.
It made her furious.
She learned to manipulate, lie and bully me into giving her what she wanted.
She was being selfish and intrusive and neither of us realized it. She considers herself to be a protector and provider, and cannot admit that sometimes she's an abuser.
These days I don't trust her with information or control. She calls me (and the other members of her immediate family) a "privacy hoarder".
I'm very hurt, and I don't plan on ever feeling better about it
Being a parent is maddening. You think you'd do better with your own children until you experience the 24/7/365 stress that children inherently bring upon their parents. Few people escape childhood undamaged. Life has never been easy or perfect for anyone.
Hey, as long as writing that comment helped you vent then it wasn't time wasted
Thanks for writing this
Needed that (about something else but still thanks)
No problem buddy!
You having read my comment and benefited from it means that me writing it wasn't time wasted :)
This is why I love Lemmy. There's a recognition that we're all imperfect beings stuck in this crazy thing called "life" together. It only makes sense to support each other.
I really want this mindset to be everywhere, not just on Lemmy. I wish everyone had the support mechanisms that people need to survive.
An issue in some situations is a small number of people abuse the fuck out of the support mechanisms available. This leads people to agree with "we shouldn't provide it if it's going to be abused". Which they're obviously incorrect in stating.
I've never seen Star Trek, but if applied to reality it should be "The needs of the many outweigh the desires of the few"
The number of people who advocate for this seriously and unironically is astounding. How would anyone implement licencing or checks in a way that isn't a basic human rights violation?
There's no way to do that, I understand the desire though…
Unfortunately the good solutions are all non-authoritarian left-wing (free high quality education, accessible therapy, walkable mixed-zones cities so kids are safe on their own by design, free health- and daycare, good strong social security, high wages and strong job security, lower working hours etc. etc.), so literally the furthest thing away from the current political climate. Either because right-wingers hate it in general or because they're so stuck in their phantasms they won't identify the correct solution if it was standing right in front of them.
It's because kids don't vote and people don't have them as much.
What we have is a majority of old people. This is something to think about when wondering why politics are so fucked.
Like any licensing, it'd be implemented, monitored and enforced imperfectly. The doesn't necessarily mean it isn't better than nothing though.
Many religions and cultures already tried it with concepts like marriage and bastardry. Personally i think they should improve on those systems and integrate them with modern technology, not abolish the concept.
What's the process for licencing? How do you obtain one? Who sets standards and testing for who is ready to be a parent? What do you do with accidental pregnancy? Or undeclared pregnancy? What would enforcement look like? And how would it save the child from suffering for the mistakes of the parent? What do you do with people who break the rules repeatedly?
You talk of history. Have you seen what happened historically in places where they tried to put children into "a better environment and punish parents"?
same as a car.
Technically, my parents needed a permit from PRC government before they could give have children (has nothing to do with "whether you can parent or not" tho, its a birth control thing).
准生證 (baidu site via google translate)
Wikitionary: https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/%E5%87%86%E7%94%9F%E8%AD%89#Chinese
But anyways, they violated the One Child Policy (it was in effect when I was born) so... here I am... my existence is technically "illegal" lol
Small community Lemmy, you're one of those commenters that I feel like I kinda know (even though I totally don't. But I seem to upvote you a lot, so you're recognizable in a good way.) I just want to say, I think this is a really cool fact about you. It's like you were born a badass.
The only things that could make it cooler would be if you were born with your middle fingers raised, or your first words were, "Fuck the system" (in any language.)
i get your point but wow i do not want to live in a world where the government can explicitly decide who can have kids and who can’t
What ? In what country ?
In most areas in the USA you need to get a Rabies tag. You pay the county (or whatever) a fee and get a certificate and a tag to put on your dog collar. Both are numbered and can be used to get your information if your dog is picked up by animal control. They don't always call it a license, but that's basically what it is.
Oh
In europe we have subdermal microchip implants for that (the animal can't lose it and doesn't need to wear a collar). Also they aren't mandatory but practically every pet that is allowed to go outside has one.
That's a little high tech for governments in most areas of the USA. We pay the tax and get a stamped piece of metal (a literal dog-tag).
You can get your pet chipped here in the USA too, for a small fee, but that's just to help you get them back if they get lost. In some regions it's not worth it for that though. We used to live in Illinois and many pets were chipped in that area (outside of Chicago). All the vets and animal controls there had scanners and would check when an unidentified pet came in. We've since moved down south. Nobody has scanners here and many people have never even heard of them.
We have those too, but for a different/backup purpose. The tag is government issued and must be regularly renewed to show you're keeping up on vaccines and shit. The subdermal microchip (if the animal has one) is used for lost animals if there isn't a visible tag.
We "need" a rabies tag in the same way that you need a "TV" license in the UK except far less taken rate. Op is greatly exaggerating here.
Absolutely no enforcement except as secondary issues arise.
I have literally never heard of anyone volunteering that they have a dog, and they did buy the "mandatory" license.
Ah, the wisdom of Keanu :)
Adopting a rescue dog has various home checks and interviews and welfare checks. Leaving hospital with a baby: "Do you have a car seat for them?", "Yes...", "You're all good to go then!", "..."
Adopting a human has the same checks...
"Stop that, you could get hurt!"
"Ugh, just be on my side for once!"
Probably the first time I have seen someone else start a conversation about it, instead of me doing and people feeling comfortable enough to join in with their two cents.
My dad would occasionally tell us stories from his childhood. Stuff like his dad grabbing him by the shirt collar and repeatedly punching him in the face. When I was a kid it was just another story. When I got old enough to actually understand what he was talking about it was like, "God damn. No wonder you're like this."
I couldn't help but feel sorry for him. It didn't undo anything he did but it did help me hate him less.
I think I'm really fortunate that my dad somehow realized he completely fucked up and made an effort to repair his relationship with his kids. We're on good terms now and he's a way better Grandpa than he was a father. I know a lot of people go through their whole lives only getting to see the worst side of their parents. My dad included.
You are not alone. Your parents do not define your value. Despite their best or worst efforts, they do not ultimately get to decide what kind of person you will be.
Bruuuh. I feel like I really shouldn't complain that much. Some of y'all got even more fucked up childhood than I did. My parents never hit me that hard, it was merely slap on my hand. So like... in an "overton window" where corporal punishment is socially acceptable, its actually kinda tame in comparison. I'm never gonna be like "okay" with that idea, its still very... unacceptable regardless of how society views hitting your kids, but like, to be fair, judging by that standards, on that "overton window", I didn't get abused that badly. My parents also didn't drink or gamble, so... I guess I got lucky the abuse is mostly just emotional. (still... depression is kinda slowly making me wanna kms)
I tried that once when I was a teenager. Obviously, I failed. Kind of a cruel irony being told that you're never going to amount to anything and then, as you're working on your own suicide, you suck so bad at tying knots that you fail at that too.
20+ years later, I'm glad I failed. Depression is a deep dark hole that can feel completely inescapable. It's not inescapable with the right help. You don't have to do it alone. You just have to be willing to ask for help.
My life so far has been a hard one. It's been made much harder by the fact that my stupid little brain is broken and makes it extremely difficult to regulate my own emotions. But there's glimmers of joy in the middle of all the hardness. I have things now that I never could have imagined on that day in my parents garage.
Things like self love and a sense of self worth, a family of my own, people to whom I matter a great deal, and a wealth of experiences that have taught me a great many valuable lessons. Back then I didn't think anyone would care if I stopped existing. Now, I know that's not true. Sometimes I'm still here because I'm enjoying my life. Sometimes because I know there are people who love and need me. Somwtimes it's because even though I don't feel like that's true, I know it is and I'm leaning on my meds until my feelings normalize. For me, that's enough to keep me here until my time is finally up.
Keep doing you. You got this. Posted my story above yours and it definitely feels similar so I feel your pain.
You are really strong for everytbing you habe endured brl/sis. We got this alright! No matter what!! Also read up on any articles https://goodgoodgood.co/ says about Hope (The June One, This October one, The Hope Quotes one, and more). That is what has been keeping me going. Kinda why I keep spreading word about it too. They talk about how it is fundamental for everybodies lives based on research
I posted a really hopeful post on I think it was on politics community (I know politics suck) about the Senate Dems Caving. Made The Post To Help Boost Morale For The People. Take a read of it. Especially since it mentions the hope articles I mentioned above with links. It definitely makes the meltdowns happen a lot less
Will definitely do everything you recommend too. We got this!!
Here's direct link:
https://lemmy.world/post/38595050
Sometimes I think I'd prefer physical abuse instead of the constant emotional stuff that makes you doubt yourself decades later. Like, my therapist tells me it was bad but they're a therapist, isn't that what they'd say? Mommy Dearest told me no one beat me so it's not abuse. Abuse is complicated.
Ah, the constant, unpredictable flipping between affection and cruelty. Sure made for a lovely childhood! Definitely didn't contribute to a lifelong fear of social interaction, and the resulting isolation.
My mother has never properly apologized to me for anything in her life. She says she's not the perfect mother but if you ask her about details of what she feels she did wrong, she will get angry. I honestly don't talk to her anymore. Homophobic, racist, islamaphobic, etc. I don't need to put up with that and no one else should be forced to either.
Abusive parents the second you defend yourself effectively: "I didn't know you had teeth, sorry for biting you."
It was my father, but it's the same story. He never understood why i never wanted to see him after my parents divorced, and i did not come to his funeral. He was much nicer to my little sister tho, she did not see what me and my brother had to endure years before, and so she is still angry years later that i skipped the funeral.
Damn, a whole lotta folks with not the greatest childhoods.
I think I may have been luckier than I realized.
That was the case. She lost my trust since I was very young. But fortunately I have a great father, who is intelligent and caring. I often feel sorry for him to have to live with my mother. On the bright side, their relationship seems get better in the resent years. Maybe time did heal.
I imagine you would sound like my daughter
You're not alone.
"I did my best"
You never even TRIED taking responsibility for anything, maybe divert some of that effort there instead.
Oh god that hit me hard. My mother's is "but I raised good children" i.e. the ends justified the means.
Yeah but you could have done it differently too! It's not mutually exclusive!
I love to make a positive impression on the world. I love to empower children, give comfort to those around me, to volunteer my energy and talents for a greater good.
But in the back of my mind, sometimes there's a little voice that reminds me, "Whatever good you put into the world, your mom can vicariously claim to have created. This will never not be true, because she is responsible for your existence."
And I hate it. I learned what not to be by observing her. I learned how hypocrites are able to function, how some people are able to override reality with their "feelings," and how manipulators manage to get their way. Credit goes where it's due, for sure, but she really shouldn't be proud of the things she taught me. I became who I am in spite of her, not because of her.
I fully understand and empathize this. No matter what I do, it's thanks to her in her eyes. My faults and failings are of course not hers, but all of the wins and accomplishments are.
Because when you see a wooden spoon, it's just a wooden spoon. When I see a wooden spoon, I see a weapon.
The day we figured out we could grab the spoon from her and break it was very liberating.
I'm very fortunate that I have great parents and was brought up well. I've never been treated badly by them. However, they have a very strained relationship with each other and it's been like this for years. But they're still together. It's very uncomfortable for me and my siblings because they can barely be in the same room for an hour without an argument breaking out.
Sometimes I think they should have divorced years ago and they would have been much happier.
My parents were physical with me early in life until they felt they could talk it out. My family always put restrictions on things and I didn’t really have input into things while I was there, my adult relationship was largely listening to them complain about their health, dodge political conversations and really never got to input anything into a conversation. If I did mention something they treated it as an ask for guidance and not just something to talk about. My parents never knew the real me that they developed. Thankfully I diverged after I left home as their politics are ghastly
I still haven’t decided when or if I’ll ever tell my mom about the ptsd she gave us. At this point, with the ways she’s changed over the years, I’m not confident she’ll listen or believe me.
I tried for years to decide that, and with therapy learned that was I doing it for her or me, and if for me does it really help? She'll never change, so it does no good. Instead I keep her a healthy distance away. I still see her, but measured intervals.
I came to the same conclusion. I know how my mom reacts to news she doesn't like - she defaults to denial. My memory has always been stronger than hers, so there's no shortage of incidents that I remember, that she has long forgotten. (The tree remembers what the axe forgot, after all.) If I were to attempt to bring things up, she'd deny such things ever happened. Instead of me having catharsis and her having self-recognition, I'd be put in a defensive position and she'd say I'm exaggerating or making things up. Which is to say, attempting to have a serious talk with her always makes me feel worse.
Thankfully, I have siblings, and they remember what our childhood was like. We have all given up on trying to get our mom to see the light. Instead, we have a secret group chat where we can vent as needed.
I have a sibling too, even more toxic than my parents. Single-handedly caused my first Adverse Childhood Experience that I can still remember to this day, the fear, the loneliness...
Who's got a good story?
I've told this story before, but basically, I was like... idk 10 maybe, and I was in NYC, waiting for the subway with my mom, then this mini-earthquake happens (like very very minor), we didn't notice because the subway masked the shaking, so my mother coincidentally tried to make a phone call, call failed, IMMEDIATELY SCOLDS ME AND BLAMES ME FOR "BREAKING" THE PHONE. What actually happened was people were all trying to call because of the shaking so phonelines got clogged 😭 (this was before 5G, so congestion was a huge issue in big city). Like bruuhhh, literally got blamed for something a (mini) earthquake caused, so at the time I was thinking like: why is the 'god of the earth/ground' messing with me?
Not my mother, but on one occasion my father got really, really drunk. He wound up falling down the stairs and injuring himself. Out of an abundance of caution, my sister called emergency services. When the EMTs arrived and started taking care of him, he told them that I was driving. 0.o
That's harsh, sorry to hear...
Ooof. That's rough. How's your relationship with her now?
Ahhh, yes. The Hand that rocks the cradle rules the world.
Bad parents pointing at "screaming at your child regularly":
has depression
Parents: "I guess we weren't strict enough, now you are a loser that goes to doctors and dependent on pills"
More context needed. Sometimes my kids are savages, so yelling does occur on occasion. They're usually pretty great, though.
Edit: yikes, people took my comment way too seriously. I don't literally think my kids are savages, jfc. No shit, you shouldn't yell at your kids. I typically don't. But, I am not perfect, and neither is literally every single parent. We're humans and there are days where we have shorter breaking points and our feelings get the best of us, especially when your kids are being super energetic, chaotic, and not listening to anyone. The important thing isn't NOT yelling 100% of the time, it's apologizing and explaining what happened to them afterwards when it does get the better of you.
2¢ from a former school bus driver: they’re fucking savages.
You’ve never heard of a soda bomb? Because you just described one.
Honestly, I feel like I have repressed memories, I mean, the fear of the voice of yelling overshadowed whatever I supposedly "did wrong" and I never really encoded those into memory, since the fear was so overwhelming.
I mean, one of the things I do remember is she always ask me to help her with something, usually like translating letters, or help fill out forms in English, and since I learned English at school, she just forces me to translate stuff, and I kinda got tired of it sometimes, try to not do it or be like "later" then she gets mad.
Hmmm.... ugh I can't remember, must've been just too repetative my brsin refused to encode it.
I remember my older brother fight with me all the time, so we both get yelled at. Like we'd fight over who gets more food or something, or something about fairness. (poverty problems lol)
Or perhaps there is some school-related problem and my mother would argue with teachers, then use insults against me.
They (especially my mother) say stuff like "細路仔要乖乖聽話" ("Kids like you need to be more obedient"?) or "點解你死都唔聽我哋教你阿？我哋喺為你好，隔離屋會唔會理你阿？" ("Why would you rather die and not even listen to what I have to teach you? I am looking out for your interest! A neighbor wouldn't even care about you!" (because she is my biological parents and the "the only person in the world that cares about me"))
Also, she tells me: 世上只有妈妈好，没妈的孩子像根草。(Only mom is the best in the whole world, a child with no mother is like a blade of grass.) Basically it's sort of like: Your wellness depends on me, if I die, your life will be miserable, you should thank me.
@[email protected] sorry to tag you, but you speak Cantonese so: have your parents ever said stuff like this? Standard Cantonese family bullshit right? Tell me this isn't just me?
Yelling is never okay unless there's imminent danger and yelling is needed to prevent it.
Never ok? Bullshit. Verbal abuse exists and it beyond not ok, but there is a huge fucking gap between never ok and verbal abuse.
Nope. Yelling isn't okay. Parents are human and may do it anyway, but it's always a mistake and should be treated as such (except in the case of danger as mentioned above). It absolutely should be avoided as much as possible. It's an incredibly harmful thing to do (for any relationship, actually).
I agree. I yell on my children on occasion, but it's a thing I regret every time, yelling is not okay.
Child walking onto the street in front of a truck? Billy please come here, please don't walk into a truck. Never is such a strong word. And I have a mother who yelled, frequently, and I still think there are a few cases. Parents aren't infallible or perfect.
You seem to have missed the part where I said "unless there's imminent danger".
Totally cant relate. I was home schooled by my mother who had also been a teacher for a few years before starting to have kids with my father. She is kind, gentle, beautiful and still a continuing inspiration in my life.
That is to say, no.... I cant personally relate.
I only want whats best for you
My aunt regularly interrogated me about my decision-making, schedule and personal relationships
Without realizing it, I fell into a habit of explaining myself to her. I lost a lot of autonomy. She strictly enforced the practice of getting her approval before doing anything.
I learned to hide things and sneak around her. It made her furious.
She learned to manipulate, lie and bully me into giving her what she wanted.
She was being selfish and intrusive and neither of us realized it. She considers herself to be a protector and provider, and cannot admit that sometimes she's an abuser.
These days I don't trust her with information or control. She calls me (and the other members of her immediate family) a "privacy hoarder".
I'm very hurt, and I don't plan on ever feeling better about it
Being a parent is maddening. You think you'd do better with your own children until you experience the 24/7/365 stress that children inherently bring upon their parents. Few people escape childhood undamaged. Life has never been easy or perfect for anyone.