The issue is that I'm bad at "the mental load". Keeping things in mind, being aware of stuff that needs to be taken care of and taking care of it before it's too late.

For example, I do the dishes, I vacuum, take out the trash, no problem. But when there's mold starting to grow between the tiles in the bathroom I probably won't notice it for a long time and, once I do notice it, ignore it :P

Or, it took me over a year to finally get rid of our broken washing machine. My wife has asked me to take care of it and I said I would but then months passed and nothing happened.

Yes, we've talked about this many times. She knows I've been trying but she needs be to become more responsible, reliable and "more of an adult" than I seem able to. And she blames me, rightfully so, for wasting a whole year doing nothing.

Wow, what you wrote hit really close to home as well.

My wife had a very difficult childhood and unfortunately me having ADHD not being attentive enough triggers her personal trauma. We are a perfect match in many ways but in this aspect we are a terrible combination, our personal histories make everything so much harder.

Thank you so much for your words and I'm sorry you're going through such a hard thing yourself <3

Our problems actually did start during Covid but I don't think the pandemic / the lockdown had anything to do with it. But that was when we moved to a new apartment for the second time and my wife started to realize that she was the one taking care of everything.

We definitely also grew apart. I have been really bad at keeping the relationship alive. Like, in the 10 years we've been together, I've been able to maybe arrange a handful of date nights. I never initiate doing anything fun, like a surprise weekend trip or a special date night, because I'm so bad at planning and arranging things.

I think that at the beginning my wife ignored some of the ADHD red flags that were definitely already there because we were so in love. When we moved to a different city two years into our relationship she took care of everything but it wasn't an issue then. Eventually she realized that she was taking care of everything all the time.

Thank you, it was indeed the vpn! Kinda weird because it didn't use to cause any issues in the past. Thank you!

Thank you so much <3

Yes, in the end I'm thinking: It's better to be apart than to keep making each other miserable. I want my wife to be happy and if she can't be happy with me then I truly want her to be happy with someone else.

All the best and much love to you <3

Yeah I agree. There are things I need to personally work on but our relationship has been damaged so much, if (and that's a big if) there's still hope for a future together I think we will definitely need couples therapy to get us back to a place of mutual trust and joy.

Nothing! I already use it on my desktop but just wanted to know if there are other good browsers out there :)

Thank you <3 No I don't live in northern Colorado but virtual hugs are very much appreciated <3

I'll try that as well, apparently it was indeed the vpn causing the issue

Thank you so much, I appreciate it!

Yeah, I.... I try to remind myself that I can't change the past. I should have done something sooner but also I have ADHD and I don't mean it as an excuse but that's the whole problem with ADHD.

We definitely need space from each other right now and... I don't know, I'm both incredibly sad but also if we really can't make each other happy anymore than that's a fact I need to accept.

Android and/or Linux Mint

I'm sorry to hear that. Having ADHD is a struggle but being the partner of someone with ADHD is extremely exhausting as well. I think there should be support groups for partners of ADHD-people.

Thank you, I really appreciate your input.

I've been getting better at handling things, I think. I also realize that sometimes I'm so scared of fucking up that I don't know what / how I should do something. But when I just do it without worrying so much it often works out. Maybe not in the most efficient way, maybe sometimes in a kinda complicated way, but often I do find a way.

I will keep trying my best and I know I will keep getting better at things. And if my marriage really is over then maybe we can both be happier than we are now.

Thank you <3 I don't think my wife necessarily wants me to function like I don't have adhd but I still often have a shitty way of handling it when I fuck up.

I have a job, and fortunately one that I'm actually really good at. I participate in chores but the problem is more like.... being aware of "the bigger picture", so to speak. Like, when we're looking for / moving into a new apartment: All the things that will need to be done in the process and doing them in time. Thinking and planning ahead.

Thank you for your replying <3

After reading the comments I went back and read my post and realized I didn't get my point across. The thing that bothers me isn't that I don't get enough sympathy for my own struggle. What bothers me is that when I tell people "my ADHD has been eroding our marriage" everyone seems to be low-key (or not so low-key) assuming that my partner must be overreacting because it can't be THAT bad. They think I'm just a bit more chaotic than most people and my partner must be overly sensitive.

Thank you! I already use it, was just curious what else is out there :)

Yeah, being kind to myself has been hard. I feel like such a failure most of the time.