Hi again, I'm kind of doing a lot in one post so feel free to skip parts.

I'm just a little stressed at the moment and don't really have a place to vent, plus I need to ask some questions about DIY. You don't have to read the vent or anything I just feel like I have to put it somewhere.

::: spoiler <long vent/diary> -- Written on 29/07/26

(I'm writing this in parts, so I don't forget the stuff that has already happened)

So after my last post I stopped shaving (my body hair) so I could end up pulling the hairs from the root instead (shaving sucks and ruins my skin, plus it lasts all of 12 hours). Around the same time I went to Wales to see my grandparents, despite the hair growth being pretty dysphoric I actually had a pretty decent time, it was relaxing not being able to do anything (if you get what I mean) and probably the lack of people also helped. On the last day after I took a shower I felt a random wave of euphoria that lasted until I fell asleep (the mirror must've been very kind to me), too bad I didn't take a picture, but judging how that usually goes that would've ruined my mood. Some of that good mood is probably due to Constant Companions (Deluxe Edition) by Jamie Paige, which I downloaded right before I left, I listened to it on the train and honestly over the break it very quickly became my favourite album (my top 5 used to just be all soundtracks), sorry if that's off topic but I really have to share that, she makes such good music, can't believe that I found her music by pure chance.

Anyway, shortly after I got back my birthday happened, it was pretty cool and cause of a couple reasons (delayed deliveries, my dad working on the day), it was kind of spread out across the following few days (just got the last presents yesterday as of writing this), although I felt pretty dysphoric on my actual birthday which sucks, I think that was because I tried to use an epilator on my body the day before and couldn't go through with it, that and I wasn't really mentally ready for it. I asked my mum if I could get some waxing stuff and also some tools to shape my eyebrows, she helped me get some stuff from boots (the UK store) a few days ago, and I started using the waxing stuff today, it sucks and was similarly demoralising to when I was using an epilator, since it doesn't actually get all the hairs and ends up ripping a few, but I think I just gotta see this through and chip away at it over the next few days like I did when I first shaved my body, also since the hairs that were taken from the root aren't gonna grow back anytime soon. My body hair really gives me a feeling of hopelessness sometimes, I really want this to work.

Also I know I didn't comment or anything but I really liked everyone's selfies, you all look so good! Almost made me want to post something but I don't really have a good photo yet, the best one I have is a photo I deleted immediately but immich managed to save somehow.

(late addition: BeamNG v0.39 released today, and I think there's some suspiciously trans coloured graffiti on the updated cinderblock wall, if that was intentional then that's given me another reason to love the devs!)

-- Written on 30/07/26

Gonna be honest, I'll start this off with saying I can't tell if it's normal for other trans people to have to internally transition as well? I still don't have an internal sense of anything, but quite often use my birthname or use masc terms in my head (without much thought) before catching myself, and I'm not sure if this is a normal thing? I personally tend to match what I surround myself by, and for most of my life I have been in masc spaces, so a lot of my language both internally and how I act around others is also very masc, not to worry though I tend to adapt really quickly whith in-person social environments due to my social anxiety, but since all of the social transition so far has been online and in my head, I feel it a bit jarring to use my chosen name and more fem language, it feels as though I'm forcing it or lying to everyone. It'll probably help when I tell my family my new chosen name and ask them to use a wider range of pronouns, and I can pretty much be 100% sure that expanding my social circle would very quickly solve the other problem, given I did go to a all boys school after all.

I contacted my GP today and hopefully they refer me to a GIC, anyway I did read up on HRT from transfemscience.org (yet to read the anti-androgen stuff) and also all of the transfem stuff on diyhrt.wiki.

-- Written on 04/08/26

Lots of nothing, mood swings and not so great feelings! Hopefully this is about as bad as it's going to get though.

Researching this stuff is making me worry about literally everything, hopefully it'll subside when I take my first dose and can confirm the troughs and peaks are good.

My GP has arranged a call later this month, hopefully they refer me after I talk to them. :::

Questions:

So I can tell diyhrt.wiki is outdated for the sources, but the hrt.coffee listings seem up to date. I'll probably do diy due to the higher costs of private healthcare, I'll also ask my aunt to see what they recommend, but I'm leaning toward injections since they're cheaper and seem to be the most effective.

1. Are homebrew injections a good idea? OtokonokoPharma seems to be reliable (Vanna Pharma is gone unfortunately, and Symphony Labs isn't established enough), but I'm still not sure on the general sentiment, since I want to go through with injections as they're the best method. If so would starting on monotherapy (and measuring my T-levels) be a good idea?

2. The "Mascara and Hope" guide, aside from being overly binary in their advice, recommend starting on a low dose and increasing (as per the NHS) as starting on a high dose leads to "conular (cone-shaped) breasts among various other health risks", but I'm not sure if this is the current advice or even really true?

3. Storing HRT is supposed to be at room temperature, unfortunately it is summer and I'm in the UK, so like it's 30C in my room (35C on a bad day, 25C on a good day) with about 30-40% humidity, am I basically out of options or is this within reason? (OtokonokoPharma vials have enough for a year of use)

4. Should I spend the extra effort to find my minimum required dosage to suppress testosterone (in monotherapy)? I get you should be aiming for it but since injections could be every 1 to 2 weeks and I need to wait for it to build up in my body first, if I can't get blood tests done for free I might just have to settle on what works

Sorry about the quality, I took this on a sony phone and I have no idea how to manage exposure, let alone post process it (I tried my best).

If you like halo you should watch Anna's newest video (in the picture), it's really cool! That program on the small screen is a custom thing I'm making for my archive.

Bonus points to whoever can guess what train is in the top right.

Also this is the server lol

(sorry if this is too much.)

Hi,

To start this off I'll say I very recently came out to both my parents as trans, they are supportive and I am very lucky to have them :)

I've been on/off questioning for 3 years, which I guess is indication enough, I remember it starting off as me joking that I weirdly fit lots of egg stereotypes, as well as just consuming an ungodly amount of trans content and information (mostly on YT), but I certainly couldn't be trans because I didn't fit an exaggerated binary, "I didn't hate myself enough to have dysphoria", "I never wished to be a girl" etc.

I came out to a friend as questioning around October of 2025, and somehow managed to not do anything about it until last week, where it felt like I only just cracked my egg despite "knowing" for much longer. For what it's worth I seem to be very good at putting barriers up in my mind, when I was talking to my parents I couldn't quite articulate my feelings or really even feel what I felt during the night before, and that made me feel like I was lying. I don't know what that means but I've learnt to keep track of what I would feel if there weren't any external pressure, as such I'm writing this at 2 AM.

I think I might be genderfluid/demi-girl? Based on the fact I can't really get a feel of an innate sense of gender and my feelings change too often, I only really have the dysphoria to guide me, I still hate mirrors/photos but less so since I have awesome hair now. I'm pretty confident I want to look/pass as a girl, and I like the idea of HRT and voice training, while pronouns and my name I can't feel much either way yet (all stuff I've told my parents).

Regardless, my original plan of just going with it and figuring out if I'm binary or not later is probably the best one. Also I just had one of the weirdest brain worms right now, that I can't be trans because "I've been looking up to trans women for too long", as if that means I can't be one??? like what lmao.

I think the next best steps would be getting to know queer people local to me as well as contacting the NHS. Although everything I've heard makes me very scared to talk to the NHS, given I might need to change my name, and the fact they aren't very supportive, plus the waiting list, oh and that the records will be shared with Palantir, it's just a lot and I don't know what I'm doing.

Thank you if you read through all of this, I'm not sure what the purpose of this post is, but any feedback is cool!