Spyke

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privacy

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Less-worst android brands?

I would personally go with the pixel line, as they just have the google spyware, and not 3 other companies spyware installed on top of Google spyware. Also they generally have decent security updates, and get them faster than most other brands, and then you have the option to switch to grapheneOS should you want too. They are also fairly affordable especially if you are getting them second hand.

memes

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Android vs IOS

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Ehhh, technically but its hard for them to tell if your able to switch back before turning it in. And if it doesn't boot then well... It's not going to be much of an issue then. Also it is a bit legally grey if companies can void you warrenty solely for installing a custom ROM.

linux

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I'd like to interject for a moment...

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Ehh... Not really incredibly outdated? I mean most Linux systems with a few exceptions (looking at you Alpine) use gnu software in them, and it is a somewhat fair argument to say that a kernel isn't an entire operating system and other factors should be considered. Also why the quotation marks? It is a Linux joke, and if you don't like our humor than you can just kinda... Ignore it? I mean it's not like someone has you chained to a chair, forced to only look at linuxmemes.

privacy

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Noob Question: If you aren't willing to deal with custom OSes like Linux (for computers) and Android Custom Roms (for phones), do you just not have any privacy at all?

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I would say there's an argument to be made against duckduckgo with how they're not open source, and the whole allowing Microsoft trackers deal, but it is definitely a better option than google or bing. I don't understand why you're mentioning their browser however, as there are definitely much better alternatives.