"For Gaslighting & Grievances!"

Jokes in that same vein continued for at least 45 minutes. Let this be a cautionary tale for all prospective GMs: remember to consider the acronym when improvising a name for the ventilation ducts.

Said immediately after the player was given bardic inspiration to help with an Intimidation check

Player 2: I don't even know what that means

Me: Exactly!

Defenestration (n): the action of throwing someone out of a window

Player 2: “I really didn’t… The women and children were already dead by the time I got to them. All I had to do was behead them.”

NPC: "Last time we tried burning down the forest, we lost a few good people."

Wizard: "Good thing we're not good people."

DM: “Don’t you mean Mel-“
Player: “I know what I said.”

I love that this sub exists now. I have started keeping track of notable sayings from our games for no reason, and now I have a reason.

DM: "Alright, roll to kick the child with advantage."

This was promptly followed by the character being knocked unconscious, because they accidentally drank a sleeping potion.

:::spoiler Context and explanation

I was playing a utility bard who has become the sole healer in the party. The DM was kind enough to give me a few homebrewed tweaks to help me play this role better, including but not limited to some tweaks and spells (Healing Word tweaks, Beacon of Hope, and such, but most importantly for this story: Revivify) and I'm extremely thankful for that.

Now, there was this session where we got our hands into quite a hoard. I no longer remember the details, but there was a sizeable quantity of diamonds. Me, ever being the dutiful healer, asked the DM if I can have the diamonds ground into what I described as "white crystalline powder" and then have them individually packed into small sachets, ready for when I need to cast a revivify spell.

Cue the rest of the group looking at me as if I were a weirdo. Not realizing what I've just said, I went "What? It's for revivify, is there anything wrong with that?" to which someone helpfully explained the unfortunate drug-related implications. How I intended to package the diamonds: small sachets containing roughly 300GP worth of diamond powder pretty much resembled how some illegal drugs are sold off in the streets. I tried explaining my reasoning: the diamonds in the haul are too large, and cutting them into 300GP portions is too much work. It's better to have them ground into powder and then weigh individual 300GP portions. However, I might have dug an even deeper hole for myself because of that.

What made this story even funnier in hindsight is that my bard had this backstory of running away from a small-time crime group (bards in the morning, burglars in the evening--my bard playing the role of the lookout and field medic) which turned out to be a part of an even bigger crime syndicate, which our DM kindly reminded me about.

:::

Said by a merchant who gave my character a better deal than another party member because they were both halflings

Said by one of my two DM friends to me while we were in a pizza joint together.

"Dude! Context! We are in public."

I have a bountiful life of riches. I run two games and play in three. Just a problem finding time for them all.