vent post tw: sexual harassment, hopelessness, dysphoria
NSFW
Last Sunday I was at a party in Berlin (it is pretty far from my place), The party itself was very cool, but nevertheless I felt really shitty. My body ached from the journey and I had just a few hours the person I was crashing at used a shocker on me although I explicitly told him that I did not that to do that with him anymore.
My thought were a mess, they still are. I am trying to write them down maybe y'all can make some sense from it
So I arrived at like 4p.m. and the shocking was around 2p.m. at that time I did not even fully realize how bad it was. I was looking forward to the party, the people, and my mind was distracted. I was dissapointed in him but I tried to not let it ruin my evening.
When the party began there was no place to chill cause the lockers where closed till 6pm so I danced a bit smoked some weed and noticed that my body was really tired, the night before I slept on the train, so I went to the resting area when 6pm was there. By that time I was feeling physically very bad and I was happy for a bit of rest and after some problems with the locker I found someone who shared theirs with me.
By that time I started to sit down and fell into a deep sadness. I felt very hopeless, uncomplete, my E levels have been shit since at least 6month, now I am on patches, but I fear they will also just not work. HRT has done some nice changes to my body but I know its not enough I have the papers for Laser hair removal but I just cant get my ass up to write them, I know I should do voice training but I dont do. My dysphoria is just getting worse. I used to just go to the womens bathroom no problems 2 months ago. Now I stand with dread in front of that door again. I lost faith in my queer org. after they kicked out every Transfem except for me (I think I will just leave myself atp).
I felt lonely. Seeing all these queers here, all these transfemmes who made it farther than me they gave me hope that I can make it. Everyone was nice. We shared the music, the joy of dance. But at the same time I think back to my little city. Were there are barely any visible Trans people. Were there is not this joy of life This is were I will go back to.
Suddendly everyone felt distant to me I was a foreigner in a strange City. My soul lusted to also feel that joy and ease but I just could not. I can be quite socially akward especially in new environments. I know raves I've been to plenty but I felt like my etiquette was off. I felt out off place, that feeling just got worse when thinking about all those things mentioned before. and my body was aching at the same time. I could not have fun. If you do not have fun at a party, you are out of place.
Then I thought about going away from the party, when I realized the only place were I could go was that guy who just hours prior crossed my boundraries. So I was stuck at the party
Luckily the person who shared their locker with me talked with me and I could tell them what happend and how I was feeling she helped me and we hugged I cried a little after that I sat outside a bit and was feeling a lot better.
I think the biggest issue with me I found that evening is that I just feel to disconnected from my emotion in uni I just function I do my stuff I keep my life together, at the same time there is my job. The only thing that truly brings joy is organizing and playing parties but I still do that to little. And transition stuff at that point is too much.
I want to go back to that party I want to face these feelings, learn how to feel. I know I can do that there. In December there is the next party but I am afraid I cant make it especially cause I have nowhere to sleep.
4 replies
It is really demoralizing to feel lonely in a room full of people. There is that growing issue with queer communities where, for a number of reasons, the culture is less about solidarity and support than it is belonging. I've always felt a bit of a disconnect from queer communities just because of my indifference to what is imagined to be queer culture, and preference against clubbing.
One thing that I notice a lot of trans women struggle with is the fact that being "presentable" as a woman takes a lot of work; for everyone. Cis women are raised to develop the habits and skills that are necessary to take care of your hair, do makeup, skincare, etc., and so a lot of trans women get that wave of dread when the initial joy of realizing themselves settles in. Yeah, like, you don't need to voice train or go through the bureaucracy to get the laser hair removal, and so it starts to feel like work just to be yourself.
I don't know about you, but decades of being closeted and oppressed has kind of eroded my daily energy levels, and has inspired a trauma response in me when I feel like this happiness could be taken away from me, even if by my own inaction. Being a student while you're learning all those skills, trying to find a version of you that you can socialize with, and recovering from a lifetime of pain is understandably an unfair and exhausting position to be in.
Like at the party I funnily did not feel alone because of the people around it more so was because I realized that I felt alone at home most of the time that made me sad. Most of the queers I know here are either board game obsessed or computer science freaks. It feels to me that solidarity and support especially around DIY are the bigger pillar of my local trans scene. People also try to build safe spaces, I did this too with the organization I mentioned earlier but then you often have infighting and there will be certain people others will not feel comfortable with. I think that is also mostly due to most trans people being kinda in puberty, very traumatized and socially inept due to never before fitting in.
Funnily enough my connection to queer culture came from the club, my trans realization came from dance. But I feel like this club culture is mostly dead were I live. Everything you get here for queer parties is either pop music or really fast paced, electronic, trance music with some remixes of iconic "queer" songs. I strive for the days of old house when house music had intention, feeling the boy, together. I really look up towards what the queers and blacks did in Chicago and Detroit back then. At this party I feel like I felt this soul although it was very diverse music.
That's some story.
Yeah, people are different, even among queers, that queerness alone is far from enough to make as even a little similar. They all have own worries too. Hard to blame them for all that.
By my pov, looks like the only bad part, it was not being independent. Have You tried to look for a safe spot on Your own, some manageable hotel, airbnb or booking service. Arrive much earlier, even a day or even two, get time to tour the city, rest enough after big travel and before party.
Did such a mistake myself in Berlin not so long ago too... went for a one day trip, had some nice tour around the city with lots of walking. At evening, went concert party spot... to sleep for most of the party, I've paid lot of monies to get ticket into. Stupidly expensive nap. F me...
Even such nice moments like enjoying happy parties require some stamina, we gonna recover it with rest before.
Wish Ya next trip be super healthy in every way.
It was too late for hotels and shit and I did not really have any money left :////
At least the party had a Trans list so I got in for free :D
Thanks already planning that out!