I wrote this for another community on Reddit but it did not get any attention. I wrote this pressed on time and basically just made a list of things that are destroying me inside.

I admit im pretty much looking for validation and compassion. But if you cannot in good conscience go without providing advice, I will not turn it away by any means.

Here’s what I wrote:

I’m sorry if my writing here is hasty and clumsy. It sort of has to be right now.

1

I’m 34. I live with my parents. I may have been able to do more financially but I didn’t apply myself like I should have. Lots of regret there. Everyone I know has moved on, gotten their own place, and have built their own lives.

Me being here is not all bad though. My parents and I get along exceptionally well, and my presence here helps with my brother.

A bit about my brother: He is severely mentally handicapped. As crude of a description as this might be, he is essentially an adult toddler. He can walk around by himself. He is nonverbal. He cannot bathe or toilet himself. He can pick up a fork and feed himself but he does not understand preparing food for himself - even if it’s as simple as opening a pack of crackers. He does not do well in most public spaces that are not restaurants. He has a day center he goes to but aside from that most everything must be done around someone being at the house with him. That’s usually me.

My parents have expressed a lot of gratitude for it. I love my brother and I believe he is as legitimate of a member of the family as any other. And I am still able to have time to myself, But surely you can see what sort of difficulties this creates.

I am terrified about the future for him. My parents are getting up in age. When one of them goes it will become incredibly difficult. I may have to quit my job.

2

Im trans. In a very red part of a very red state. I cannot come out to family or friends without my already fragile and meager life coming undone completely. But with money like it is I’d never be able to transition either.

I have no one to go to about this. No community.

3

I’m socially awkward and seemingly incapable of forming bonds with people. Im not sure if I’m autistic but it may explain a lot. Even people I’ve worked with for almost 10 years I still have difficulty opening my mouth to. Words come out stiff and choppy, weirdly emphasized, and often don’t make sense to the listener.

I’m not taken seriously because of it. I have to really stress myself at work if I need to get a point through and am often seen as irritable because of it. Maybe I am. Maybe I’m just a jerk.

4

Every future I imagine is a scary one. One I don’t want to live in.

I’ve gotten into philosophy the past few years and it’s been more frustrating than enlightening.

Some views say we should be thinking about the future, and should take this all extremely seriously. Well maybe some people don’t have a future?

Some views say not to take it seriously. Live in the moment and make the most of it. Well what if you have no moment to live in? What if there are sufferings simply too great as to make that an impossible task?

Some views say to exist is enough. You don’t need to be anything in particular or do anything great. Well I exist, and I hate it. I find no pleasure in simply being.

I don’t buy into any notion that life is what we make it. Maybe it is life that makes us, and we’re just dragged along with it. Maybe some people have more to work with. But this would be like having more lanes in a one way road. Maybe it’s like that.

Or maybe I’m an idiot. Maybe all of this really is in my control, in which case: what a terrible amount of power to be responsible for. Who could ever handle that?

5

I have to wrap it up. I have to get up for work now.

Maybe all of that doesn’t sound like much. My point here is to say that there is no aspect of my life - big or small - in which I feel free. Some of it is my own doing. Some of it is circumstance. Some of it may blur the line. But all I have to work with is what I have right now. Some of it I feel duty bound to do.

I couldn’t sleep at all last night. I’ve been miserable, worried about the future of myself and my brother.

I feel incapable of not having desires, yet also incapable of satisfying those desires. I don’t want to want. Of that makes sense. But I feel the only way of getting rid of want is turning the lights off for good.

Thanks.

Sorry this was messy.