Wasn't until the harsh realization after a series of L's that my partner of 10 years (spouse for 8) suffers from varying forms of narcissism and possibly other associated disorders. Literally at a do-or-don't moment in our marriage after quitting alcohol nearly two years ago (we were blissfully happy alcoholics). When the party stopped (at her request), I obliged and continued moving our joint life experience forward as she insisted I needed to do. She stopped (quit?) realizing I physically and emotionally exist nor have even the most basic of needs. Simply being alive in her presence has reached a point of loneliness (neglect?) that has resulted in me exhibiting uncharacteristic actions detrimental to my physical health, which I can only believe are coming from a desire for attention in order to provide the illusion that me and my well-being are being considered or actually exist. Not cared for necessarily, just some consideration or awareness that I exist and whatever instinctual actions that may include, I guess. Out of ideas and lacking the confidence to even know where to begin if I had any.

In lieu of typing the same thing for the 300th time through fresh word vomit using a menagerie of analytical lenses, here's some paste from my journal entry from this morning. (Never journaled until recently when the reality of my situation became obvious).

The reason my brain over-operates is because it’s trying to survive an onslaught of tension from outside and inside the castle. But that’s because my heart lies to my brain as to what I believe I need/want, which I guess is just love and attention, but my brain is too busy defending the kingdom to realize the true threat isn’t outside the castle, and it’s not necessarily the chaos from within the castle; it’s the king’s right-fucking-hand. His most-trusted confidant/advisor. And when he’s away, I suppose it’s the queen. The queen is also the right hand in my situation. fuck

I allow these people to displace their narcissism onto me which allows me to better tolerate their narcissism by thinking I’m the narcissist because I need things. Human needs. I actually care about others more than me?? Is that how I fall into the traps? NAME/NAME? Three years oblivious living in my parents basement while I was having a meaningful relationship with another narcissist and neither of them ever noticing despite subconsciously intentionally left clues?

Why am I attracted to narcissists? Is it because my father was a narcissist?? Grandparents? All because I’m born with this DNA? How can you escape if you’re just born with it? Mom slowly killed herself drinking and smoking after realizing there was no hope with dad, who died first.

LOOK AT THEIR FACES EYES (is it the shape?, think about the socially categorically ugly ones - is it because they’re easy??? —— NAME, NAME, NAME, NAME despite weakness for ethnic chicks, ol shotty, oh my god all of them maybe??? AM I ATTRACTED TO A LOOK OR IS IT THE DESIRE TO BE LOVED - WITH NARCISSISTIC WOMEN BEING THE NECESSARY OUTLET TO ACHIEVE SUCCESS IN THE LEAST AMOUNT OF TIME POSSIBLE - BECAUSE THAT’S HOW I GENERALLY APPROACH TASKS IN LIFE —— WHICH LINES UP WITH MY FEAR OF HAVING NOT ACCOMPLISHED ENOUGH BEFORE I DIE/STRUGGLE WITH MORTALITY/DESIRE TO LIVE WITHOUT REGRETS?

which feels like I’m not necessarily doing it for myself, despite being the one doing it — like it’s never going to be enough. But for who? Has to be the idea of greater good in pursuit of a spoken, handed down memory of “that was a good person who gave a shit” — don’t judge a book by its cover, hes been surrounded by evil his entire life.

Hate this, but I need this chronicled somewhere so at at least it seems my screams are heard, even if from an impossible distance. Thanks.