These are a few thins you must know about me first:

1. I care a lot about the perception other people have of me. And as such I do my best to maintain it. I will even lie to protect that image of myself.

2. I am prone to theatrics. I exaggerate, I make grand gestures, I treat people in a special way just so that they keep a good disposition towards me.

3. I am not a loyal person I will throw people who supported me under the bus, those who gave me multiple chances, those who believed in me. I'll speak ill of them behind their backs, just to protect my self image in front of anyone.

4. I crave attention. I will feel anxious if there's no one around to talk to me, admire me or think I'm cool.

5. I am a disappointment. No real academic achievements. Dead end job. No career. Lots of debt I can't account for.

I hate this. I absolutely hate this. I can't believe I did this to my ex. I broke up with her, fucked around, kept those fucks around to get attention from them. And when my ex found someone else, I tried to keep her, I lied to her, I couldn't stand the thought of losing her.  

After everything she did for me...

To explain a bit further, I'll call her Jen.

I met Jen in a neighboring city and we dated for about a couple of months, then I cheated on her with my roommate, after which we broke up. Jen perceived my roommate as "hotter" and since she suffered from self image insecurities, this was really painful for her. While separated, I "dated" and fucked random people including the person I cheated on her with. Then she had an anxiety attack about her insecurities and called me over the phone, so I went to her house, talked things over and got back together. One of the people I dated (for like a couple of weeks) was my French teacher while I was a student at a language school. Then I became an ESL teacher at the same school (English as a Second Language), and offered to pay for Jen to learn German and Japanese. Things got bad between her and the French teacher. The thing is... she believed in me and forgave me for all of that. Then she moved in with me, and we were genuinely happy for about a year, after which a friend of mine (we used to date before I met Jen) got leukemia again. So I emotionally neglected Jen to look after my friend, who died a couple of months later. I was really devastated. I made some comments that made Jen believe that this friend was "the love of my life", and that I loved her more. These comments came completely out of left field. I told her during a concert that I had dedicated a very important song to my dead friend once while we were a thing.

Jen's always suffered from depression, and she got worse. Then I became emotionally distant, being dismissive, cold, even lashing out whenever she had emotional breakdowns. and I didn't see her in my life long-term anymore. We broke up. I immediately got back into dating. She moved out and was left alone, with horrible new roommates. I did help her move, twice. The second time she found a nice place.

We used to be in a friend group, until I fucked one of her friends, so me and Jen's friend were kicked out of the group and we dated for about a month. I then lost interest and we broke up. Then I flirted and fucked a coworker... who worked at the same job as me and Jen. Both her friend and the coworker were perceived by Jen as "hotter".

Then things got bad between Jen and the coworker (not because of me, but I certainly added a lot of fuel to the fire). So Jen exploded once and lashed out against the coworker, after which I said ugly things about Jen behind her back to keep my image with the coworker (she said that Jen was crazy, immature and had rage issues, I nodded along, then she insinuated Jen was manipulating me, and of course, I nodded again)

And then Jen fell in love with a new person, who didn't even like her back. And I lost my shit. Started being more attentive towards her, opening up about my feelings... and doing everything to win her back... I didn't really want her back... I just couldn't stand the thought of her loving someone else, and being compared to this person.

I went into another redemption arc, showing devotion towards Jen, even though by this point she was completely uninterested in me. Then she fucked her friend Jason, and I fucked Amanda, a person that Jason had had a date with (by coincidence, I swear, this is a small town). And Jason told Jen that he had feelings for her and that she should consider him in the future for something more serious. Again. I couldn't stand this, told her to consider me instead, but Jen told me that Jason had priority because he had earned it. Jen saw me with Amanda, I asked Amanda to lie to Jen to pretend nothing had happened between her and me, Amanda did not go with it and told Jen the whole thing.

After all this time... Jen was still willing to consider me. Until she saw the messages I had sent my coworker about her and got really really pissed. She said a lot of ugly things about me. All of which were true.

She said I am a manipulator, a liar, a selfish prick, a failure, a disappointment to everyone around me. That she can no longer trust anything I say anymore. She said some really mean comments, she even ridiculed my performance in bed. She fired with intent to kill. She said she hated me. And I completely understand why she would.

I don't know why I'm like this. I don't like being like this. I hate myself for the pain and damage I inflicted on Jen. I was thoughtless, inconsiderate, selfish, cruel, ungrateful, among many other things. I am a traitor. I thought about ending it all, I really feel like a shit person, especially after the last conversation I had with Jen. Yet I know that death's not the solution, and ending it here would just mean that my only contribution to this world is pain and suffering. I no longer have these self-harming thoughts. I want to change. I know I should talk to a professional. I will definitely show them this text.

I hate this person I've become. I hate what I've done for 6 years. I'm an adult now, in my mid twenties, I don't want to be like this anymore. I'm sure that after reading this it's hard to feel empathetic towards me, and I understand if you hate me too.