monday: wut 

stupid got off to an astonishingly quick start this week, because what’s stupider than MAGA? 

trick question! the answer is nothing.

Jason Selvig of the Good Liars: “what’s Donald Trump’s greatest accomplishment in his first year and a half?”

cultist: ‘Trump’s done a lot of things. number one, a lot of people don’t realize, he got our country back — because we’ve been under the reign of Great Britain the last 125 years. they destroyed the evidence.’

Selvig: “what? wait, we’ve been under the reign of Great Britain?” 

cultist: “that’s why King Charles came here, he thought he was going to manipulate Donald Trump. and Trump went along with him, cause that’s who he is. but that’s what the 250 years was really about, was we got our country back.”

Selvig: “where did you see this?”

cultist: “you just gonna have to research, just like I did. it’s true.”

what the fuck did we all just listen to?

this woman had every opportunity in the world to give a perfectly normal MAGA-pilled answer. ‘he got rid of the illegals.’ ‘he stopped the transgender.’ ‘he made America great again.’

**but no, she couldn’t do that. she had to shit out her own one-person fever-swamp hallucination about *****125 years of secret British oppression. ***she’s that fucking out there where the buses don’t run.

where do they find these people?

I have a question: if Donny’s so amazing, how come he couldn’t end this British treachery during his first term?

let’s do this: let’s have some kind of commendation for this level of sheer crazypants. 

for her tale of how Donny outsmarted King Chuck, let’s award her the Presidential Medal of Dumbfuck — the same one Rush Limbaugh got from Dear Leader’s Slovenian rent-a-wife.

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tuesday: food for thought 

okay, this one’s not a trick question: what do you get when the FDA fires most of its food inspectors?

answer: the Summer of the Human Shit-Geysers.

sure, cyclospora’s grabbed all the headlines, because who doesn’t love them some ass-spraying mayhem? but check out what else has been going on in These United States of Gastric Distress, just this week.

The USDA has issued a recall of frozen buffalo chicken products at the highest risk level, indicating a reasonable chance of “serious adverse health consequences or death” after the products were sold without federal inspection.

chicken. how do you fuck up chicken?

for that matter, how do you fuck up butter?

The FDA has upgraded a recall of pistachio butter to the highest risk level, indicating a reasonable chance of “serious adverse health consequences or death” from salmonella contamination.

oh, come on. what’s next, guacamole?

The FDA has upgraded a recall of guacamole to the highest risk level, indicating a reasonable chance of “serious adverse health consequences or death” from salmonella contamination.

please don’t tell me that even rice is being recalled. please, I don’t want to hear about— oh, fuck.

More Than 54,000 Pounds Of Jasmine Rice Have Been Recalled—What To Know

mind you — all these recalls are from one 48-hour period.

how about we all just stop eating between now and when the next president gets inaugurated on January 20, 2029? do you think we can manage to do that? because that seems to be the only way right now to avoid being poisoned by our own food supply.

all this shit is being processed, packaged, and foisted on an unsuspecting public, because there aren’t enough inspectors to go around. what the fuck? what’s going on?

Project 2025 is going on, that’s what. all this fuckery was planned out in advance and was put into place on purpose.

This is an unnecessary regulatory barrier that makes it difficult to get meat and poultry into interstate commerce to create more options for consumers and farmers.

fuck me. can we go back to being secretly run by Great Britain? 

at this point. I’d gladly trade sovereignty for a little intestinal peace and quiet.

. . .

friday: the further adventures of Some Fucking Idiot™

on Friday, some fucking idiot began his day by making infantile threats.

that’s a shitload of tough talk, coming from the same fucking idiot who just last week wedged himself and his diaper nurse into Catering Cart One, in order to hide in terror from the very same people he’s now threatening to single-handedly pew-pew-pew-pewto smithereens.

cool story, bro.

after that, the fucking idiot’s minders cleaned him up, freshened his diaper, and bundled him off to Houston, Texas, where he was scheduled to speechify at the Johnson Space Center.

did the diaper nurse travel with the fucking idiot, and grin at him like a lovesick stalker? do you even have to ask?

the fucking idiot must have thought he was at a campaign rally, because he immediately started bragging about his imaginary accomplishments. his boasts were met with complete silence from the emotional support astronauts that his handlers had posed behind him.

as the fucking idiot rambled incoherently, the astronauts just stood there, quiet as churchmice.

the fucking idiot took credit for inventing space. the astronauts were not impressed.

the fucking idiot whined about not have a crater named after him. still more silence from the astronauts.

the fucking idiot’s speech was so boring, that he even put himself to sleep — while standing up.

next, the fucking idiot called the astronauts on the International Space Station. tell me, has this demented old coot forgotten how to use a phone? it’s a legit question to ask, because the fucking idiot awkwardly held the thing about a foot away from his fat, waterlogged head as he blithered like a lunatic.