Darline Graham Nordone is Lindsey Graham’s sister who is not dead. And look, we are about to be mean to her, but there is a reason that if your brain surgeon keels over before your operation, nobody says, “Well why don’t we see if the dead doc’s sister wants to give the scalpel a whirl?” Not that Lindsey Graham was a man of such great skill, but you get the point.

In a debate this week in the Republican special primary runoff, Darline Graham, who has been appointed to fill out her dead brother’s term and decided to keep on truckin’, really fucked the goat. It was awkward when she said there were “50 million people” in South Carolina, for one thing.

And then there was the extremely horrifying moment when moderator Greta Van Susteren (yeah, sure, why not) asked if Taiwan is an important national security interest of the United States and if so, why. Nordone (she calls herself “Graham” for pandering purposes) responded with some embarrassing meandering bullshit about how she don’t know nothin’ about no national security, but she sure does support the military.

It was horrific.

“Does the United States care about Taiwan” is a question for Senate hopefuls that comes somewhere between “state your name” and “please provide the customary stool sample on the way out.” We assume someone has been briefing her on what she’s supposed to care about (more on that in a second) so the idea that she hasn’t gotten at least a 30-second primer on “What is Taiwan?” is appalling.

And not that Lindsey Graham was any great foreign policy mind, or that his thoughts on the matter went deeper than his eternal Cialis boner to inflict pain and destruction and bombs on anybody that he perceived as looking at America funny, but foreign policy was nonetheless kind of his thing. Or at least he thought it was.

“I’m not a polished politician up here,” explained Nordone, about why she couldn’t even attempt to answer the question.

And the audience was appalled. You can hear them in the video above, gasping when she said, “I’m just gonna be honest here. I’m not on national security — I’m not — I’m not that informed on national security. So … but I do support the military.” And that audience should have been appalled. Charlotte Clymer explains why this was such a gimme question here.

Washington DC just hosted its first racing event. City officials didn’t lobby for it. DC residents didn’t ask for it. The Freedom 250 Grand Prix was organized in conjunction with Donald Trump’s White House, and there was nothing DC could do to stop it.

It wasn’t an America 250- or Freedom 250-sponsored event, according to the White House and Freedom 250. It just happened to share a name with Donald Trump’s shadowy LLC that’s siphoned a lot of money from America 250, the bipartisan group created by Congress to celebrate the US’s 250th anniversary. The White House won’t say how much the race costs, or if taxpayers have cover any part of the bill.

Officially, the race was the idea of IndyCar series owner Roger Penske, a fabulously wealthy GOP donor and Trump supporter the president gave the Presidential Medal of Freedom in 2019. The Penske Corporation says it paid for ”the vast majority” of the race, while DC will cover some repaving operations, the AP reports.

Apparently, Penske (the man, not the company) wanted a race in DC for years. Originally, the racetrack was to loop around Congress and the Supreme Court, something organizers thought would be a great scene. Unfortunately, Congress has a no advertising rule, and there weren’t enough congressmen willing to sign off. So organizers bitched to reality TV star and Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy to help find an alternate route. Trump quickly approved the new route by fiat, and money began flowing.

The only thing we know that taxpayers definitely have to cover is the massive security apparatus that had to be set up. Most of that comes from federal funds set aside for large events — like a UFC fight on the South Lawn of the White House, or a month-long fair, for example — but federal and city officials aren’t saying how much is left. Usually, it’s around $50 million, but it was increased to $90 million this year as part of the US’s semiquincentennial.

. . .

Freedom 250 Grand Prix race course and surrounding event area map provided by the city of Washington DC.

The race had military flyovers from the Air Force, Coast Guard and Marines, including various jets, helicopters, and B-2, B-1 and B-52 bombers. Trump’s prized possession, his personal Air Force One 747-800 Qatari bribe plane (which runs the call letters “FRDMM01” when he’s not aboard), flew over the track just as he finished his own victory lap in The Beast, the US president’s armored limo.

As the jets roared past, I wasn’t thinking about the sound of “freedom,” loving or hating jet noise, I wondered who was paying for the jet fuel after Trump dragged the US into yet another war in the Middle East.

Flyovers seen from outside the ticketed security bubble in Washington DC during the Freedom 250 Grand Prix. Aug. 23, 2026.

In March, there were reports of how F1’s new new hybrid engines, aerodynamics and rules left drivers righteously pissed. Drivers complained that operational regulations make an already complicated and difficult race more dangerous, increasing the chances of a crash.

Preservationists criticized the potential damage to historical artifacts, with some noting that the National Park Service didn’t ask anyone about the chance of damage to surrounding buildings. The National Gallery of Art had to conduct a study and take precautions in order to protect works of art, but Michelle Arcari Rose, a former associate general counsel at the National Trust for Historic Preservation, told the Washington Post earlier this month, “So whereas people think these grand prix races aren’t a problem, we certainly don’t know, right? It’s a huge risk to then unleash cars at 185 miles per hour in a place where we’ve never had cars really going more than 25 miles an hour.”

On social media, some complained about a lack of screens and enough concessions. WaPo reported that there was a spot on the Mall to buy food, and people inside the security zone had to navigate around the race course to find overpriced crabcakes and something resembling a hot dog. While some complained lack of water, Duffy went on Fox News to fluff the race, and claimed people could buy beer on the Mall for the first time, but that was a lie. People could buy beer and liquor at the UFC event at the White House. They could buy beer during Trump’s “Great American State Fair.” And 30 years ago, before Americans just accepted the tacti-cool security theater of a “post 9/11-world,” families would roll coolers full of beer onto the Mall.

On Reddit, several people posted photos of the saddest damn hot dogs. Eventually, some shops reportedly ran out of buns, and just gave people naked franks paper plates.

But I didn’t see any of that. F1 denied my press credentials. So it goes.

Reports claimed the event had about 150,000 people in attendance. Coincidentally that’s the same number of free tickets that were made available. Outside the gates, there were several thousand people hoping to catch even the faintest glimpse of something, but the layer upon layer of of security and fencing were so thick that there wasn’t much to see.\

When the race started, there was a small alley by Indiana Plaza, near the National Archives, that wasn’t completely blocked off. People had packed themselves in to the little space. They stood on their toes, craned their necks and balanced anxious children on their shoulders. Some stuck phones through the eight-foot security fence desperately hoping to snap a terrible, blurry photo or video of something wholly indecipherable.

Over at the corner of 7th and E Streets, there was a slope that overlooked turn five. With my telephoto lens I could barely capture the brake lights of the cars seven blocks away. There were a few hundred people attempting to do something similar with cellphone cameras.

Some clung to security fences, or stared at a livestream on their phones. Depending on where you stood, you could feel the airspeed wobbles in the pavement. The roar of the cars was deafening, even from a few blocks away.

It seemed like everywhere you turned there were miles of security fencing, federal agents, police and National Guard. Over off Constitution Avenue, I saw a father holding his son on his shoulders. The only thing I could see was a partially obscured sign that read “Freedom.”

the Daily Beast got a hold of a couple of letters that Natty wrote to Donny, and they’re every bit as cringe as you might imagine.

. . . the Natty Harp story has broken containment. it’s taken on a life of its own — that’s why Operation Distract From Natalie was launched. and because MAGA has the attention span of a flea and the object permanence of a newborn babe, it worked — on them.

I’m sorry, does MAGA actually believe that these two professional grifters have genuine feelings for each other? fact check— 

MAGA may fall for that load of horse shit, but it ain’t working on the rest of us. and because, as Jesus so wisely counseled us in his Sermon on the Mount, ‘blessed are the meme creators, for they shall win the internet,’ I give you today’s winners.

credit: Baxter Bean on not-twitter

credit: Mr. Fixx on not-twitter

on Friday, some fucking idiot’s day began at 6:45 in the morning, when he announced that he had ‘solved’ the problem of high beef prices by allowing the import of ground beef from … where?

‘where?’ is exactly what reporters wanted to know, when they caught up with the fucking idiot later that day — and the fucking idiot was all ‘that’s for me to know and for you to find out.’

oh, goody. enjoy your un-inspected ground-up mystery meat from god knows where, folks. what could possibly go wrong? 

the fucking idiot was on that tarmac because he was on his way to his one public event of the day: a campaign rally in South Carolina for Lindsey Graham’s woefully-unqualified sister Darline.

now, I know what you’re going to ask: ‘did the fucking idiot’s diaper nurse come along, in case he made an unscheduled boom-boom?’ yes, she did.

oh look — the fucking idiot managed to be on the wrong side of an issue that literally everybody hates: data centers.

enjoy your noisy, polluting eyesore in the middle of what used to be your quiet community, peons. the fucking idiot doesn’t care. he’s a gazillionaire. he can afford to live far away from it.

the fucking idiot was ostensibly campaigning for Darline Graham, but he barely mentioned her. instead, he rambled incoherently about— what in the actual fuck?

the fucking idiot was inventing his own words again. he’s like a modern-say Shakespeare!

now, of all the things in this world that have never happened, here’s the one thing that’s never happened the most.

“in fact, hospitals now are doing reverse surgery at my order. they’re doing reverse surgery. nobody ever heard about it.”

**what on earth? nobody ever heard of it, because the fucking idiot just made it up, on the spot. nobody is doing this. **no hospital is doing ‘reverse transgender surgery,’ because the fucking idiot ordered it. 

the fucking idiot is fucking insane. he’s completely broken with reality. he’s cuckoo for you know what.

the fucking idiot’s day ended the same way it started, with him typing like a maniac onto his crappy app. 

while normal people were winding down their day, the fucking idiot was working himself into a Ginormous Mad, all because tanned-ball-sack aficionado Tucker Swanson McNear Carlson, Thomas Massie and Lady Space Laser were being insufficiently loyal to him.

on Sunday, Georgia Democratic Senator Jon Ossoff delivered a barn-burner of a speech, in which he ripped Preznit Fuckwit several new ones, for being the incompetent imbecile who lied our country into an unwinnable war against Iran, and for being the callous toad who is ignoring the plight of the five thousand sailors trapped aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln.

but all that was lost on the MAGAverse, because there were three words toward the end of Ossoff’s speech that caused every Republican to immediately shit a massive, white-hot brick and explode into paroxysms of performative outrage.

“he wants to build his ballroom and travel with Natalie on their apparently defenseless flying palace gifted by the Emir of Qatar.”

that’s right, Jon Ossoff went there. he brought up the weird stalker-slash-diaper-nurse who is now Dear Leader’s constant companion.

once those three words — ‘travel with Natalie’ — escaped Ossoff’s lips, the entire Donnyverse clutched their pearls and collapsed onto their fainting couches.

oh my good, how dare Jon Ossoff say such a mean thing!

I’m looking straight at you, Tim Murtaugh.

oh dear, can someone get in here and see if they can revive Tim?

what on earth is Tim Murtaugh talking about? what ‘vulgar innuendo’? all Ossoff did was to accurately describe the situation. Diaper Nurse Natalie travels with Dear Leader. not a day goes by that the two of them aren’t photographed together. to point that out is not ‘innuendo.’

who even knew that Ari Fleischer was still a thing?

whoa, whoa, slow the fuck down there, Ari. show us on the doll where Ossoff accused Natalie of ‘behaving like that’.

like what?

it’s pretty weird how every Republican immediately interpreted ‘travel together’ to mean that Donny and Nattie are getting it on, isn’t it? this sounds like another one of those ‘every accusation is a confession’ things again, doesn’t it?

that’s because it is. Republicans have eyes. they can see what’s going on.

they know how bad this looks, President Pussygrabber swanning around with some blonde half his age, while his Slovenian green-card rent-a-wife is nowhere to be seen.

look, it’s not Jon Ossoff’s fault that Donny immediately falls for any woman who reminds him of the daughter he want to quote-unquote ‘date,’ if that’s what we’re charitably going to call it. this shit happens over and over. remember the Presidential Pants Steamer, Hope Hicks, who was right by his side throughout his first term?

Via:

THAT’S WAY TOO MUCH INFORMATION

“When you start eating healthy, you don’t need toilet paper,” he claimed. “Animals in the wild have no residual stool on their anus.” He described a proper bowel movement to me this way: odorless, wipe-free, over in three to seven seconds and “nearly orgasmic.”

what. the fuck. did we all just read.

that quote is indeed from Dr. Sean O’Mara, the bro who has been advising Donny’s sewer clowns on what foods they should be eating. apparently, according to O’Mara, if you have to wipe your ass, you’re pooping wrong.

I have the same question I always have: where do they find these people? every goddamned person in the Donnyverse is a crackpot lunatic. you can start at the top, with the ignorant moron who thinks magnets stop working when they get wet.

then there’s the gin-pickled embarrassment over in the Pentagon, who should be spending less time obsessing over the testosterone levels of his warfighting warfighters, and more time, y’know, counting missiles — because it’s very fucking hard to win a war when you don’t have any.

don’t even get me started on the bear-carcass-kidnapping measles enthusiast who keeps a chainsaw in the trunk of his car, just in case he runs across any whales who need their heads liberated from their bodies.

and now you can add to the mix some quack who literally thinks his shit don’t stink.

the performative screech-monkeys of the entire wingnut outrage-industrial complex are shitting themselves raw over the mere existence of Michigan Democratic Senate candidate Abdul El-Sayed, and I am so fucking here for how he’s kicking their tiresome asses in response.

El-Sayed is so good at this. listen to him tee off on that doughy pantload, Couchfuck McGee.

“is that Peter Thiel's boy, with that Ohio charisma he’s got? I think we’ve had enough of him. the last thing that he said that made any sense was Hillbilly Elegy — after he said that Donald Trump had no business being president of anything. that was the last time he made sense, and then he decided to suck up to power. but that’s exactly what this is about. you got Republicans who will do anything for power and money, including corrupt their office.”

as I’ve said before, Abdul El-Sayed sounds like one of us. he’s snarky as fuck. he does everything we’d want him to in that clip but refer to JD Vance as ‘that doughy pantload Couchfuck McGee.’

we’ve all seen the video of Abdul commenting on Dear Leader’s diaper-filling habits, but let’s play it again, because it’s oh-so-satisfyingly good.

Sky News reporter: “[Trump] says you’re full of shit.”

Abdul El-Sayed: “at least I don’t let mine go in the middle of the Oval Office.”

Abdul also wins at social media.

“I know it’s complicated for you, habibi. I’m happy to teach you how this works at our next debate…if you’re not too much a coward to debate me.”

‘habibi,’ by the way, is the Arabic word for ‘my beloved’ — and El-Sayed is employing it sarcastically, in the same way southerners say ‘bless your heart.’

but he’s not just a snark factory. he’s thoughtful. listen to him explain how the dumbfuck exercise videos farted out by Piss-Drunk Pete and Bobby Brainworms are just a hollow version of masculinity.

“you asked me about like Pete Hegseth and RFK, that, like, they’re trying to speak to this particular group of people, and it ends up trying to like, again, just create one more performance that is like, the way to be a masculine person. and you know, as we’ve thought about it on the campaign, [lifting weights] is something that I’ve always done — but a lot of what I’m trying to do is be like hey, look, being a man is not about how you show up at the gym. it’s like how you show up for your family. it’s about how you show up in your community.”

El-Sayed gets it. you show up — for your family, for your community, and for your country. do you think Piss-Drunk Pete or Brainworms have ever shown up for anyone but themselves? of fucking course they haven’t.

as always, the moral rot starts at the top. Dear Leader loves only three things in this world: money, power, and his own porcine self — and not necessarily in that order. he’s the fucking president, and not once has he ever put his country ahead of his own greedy self-interest.

Cue Donald Trump screaming about prosecuting leakers again, we reckon, because the Washington Post dropped a whoa bombshell story about a recent time when Donald Trump lied to the world, for a reason that almost approaches normal.

Remember when Trump pulled that switcheroo in Turkey and suddenly “decided” not to come home on his gabillion dollar bribe plane from the Qataris, since it isn’t outfitted with the security required to carry an American president, even though it is very beautiful and bejeweled and was a bribe? Remember how he lied about that at the time, some dumb shit excuse for why there was going to be a switcheroo, because they suddenly needed to send the bribe plane to the UK so everybody could “ooh” and “aah” at it? Remember how he lied and said he was taking the old stinky Air Force One that he hates, “for old time’s sake”?

Also keep this in context of how the Trump regime has already been on a witch hunt for leakers regarding the security failures of his bribe plane.

Well, get ready to stack lies upon lies upon lies, because every single bit of that was a lie, and Donald Trump rode home in a secret Air Force plane after they snuck him off the big old Air Force One plane in a catering truck, because of fears Iran was going to try to assassinate him.

He’s always scared Iran is going to assassinate him, it makes him poop his pants.

Mommy, why is the catering truck shaking to-and-fro and making squelchy anus sounds? Oh that’s just the president, darling.

Here’s how it went:

In Ankara, Trump boarded the old Air Force One jumbo jet in view of television cameras. He was secretly shuttled minutes later to a smaller plane — an Air Force C-32A — via an airport catering truck typically used to load meals and other supplies preflight, according to the U.S. official and corroborating material reviewed by The Post. That made Air Force One a “decoy” with media and some White House staff aboard, the official said.

The old Air Force One with the journalists aboard? Bait. They didn’t know Trump had been wheeled out of there, and they didn’t know how much danger they were in, according to the assessments of Trump’s security team. He was willing to let Iran murder them.

Invite him to the White House Correspondents’ Dinner again, you bootlicking hacks.

Obviously we are imagining a scene out of a cartoon, because we cannot imagine for one second that Donald Trump was able to behave or play it cool during this experience. We imagine he was scared of being inside the secret truck that took him to the secret plane. We imagine he left puddles inside it.

(They elevated the bed of the catering truck, so he could just waddle directly onto it from the other side of the plane, lest you get some kind of James Bond ideas about how this went down.)

And now, because everybody respects him so much, it’s in the Washington Post a month later.

Anyway, there was much more to the subterfuge, the Washington Post has the tick-tock and even some video that caught parts of the switcheroo. They even managed to get him back on the “correct” plane after landing in Britain, so that he could deplane from it and everybody would still be fooled.

Videos show the legacy Air Force One, after landing, coming to a stop in a place where the C-32A had briefly been parked. The hobbyist videos on YouTube do not show Trump exiting the C-32A or entering the legacy Air Force One, as the stairway entries faced away from the plane spotters’ cameras.

It’s not clear how Trump moved from the C-32A to the legacy Air Force One after landing, but he appeared before television cameras and descended external stairs from the legacy Air Force One about 10:56 p.m., according to a media pool report.

After that, he flew back to DC on the Qatari bribe plane.

On one hand this is exactly what we would expect in the face of true and serious threats upon the life of a sitting United States president. WaPo even describes a couple times when things similar to this have happened, albeit without fully lying to the public forever about the president’s whereabouts the way the Trump White House did:

To transport the president out of Turkey, U.S. officials relied in part on a technique that has occasionally become public knowledge. One such mission occurred in March 2000, when President Bill Clinton visited Pakistan. With television cameras recording in Islamabad, Clinton disembarked from a plain white jet that followed the blue-and-white Air Force One, clarifying where he had been.

There have been other times in the last 30 years when Air Force One served as a decoy for the president because of a serious threat or because he was flying to a dangerous location, another U.S. official said, declining to elaborate. The legacy jet is highly secure, but also highly visible, so putting the president on an alternate plane instead can be considered safer, that former official said.

Again, in a way this feels normal, like well, if the life of the US president is under threat, they’re gonna do some trickery to keep him safe.

On the other hand, Trump doesn’t deserve the respect of the office he holds, so it is fine to make jokes about him pooping in the beverage cart in the bed of the catering truck.

Also, he is a coward who’s scared of everything, who’s building a bunker so he can hide from the fruits of his own late-stage emperor syphilis brain destruction of the world, so that is some context.

Also, Trump is currently declaring that we’ve got Iran right where we want ‘em! That we are “low-keying” it with them, letting them run out of money while we don’t attack them, you betcha! Meanwhile Iran is explaining that it’s gonna just wait to negotiate with the US until there’s somebody in office who isn’t totally braindead, let’s pencil it in for 2029 or so.

Iran’s conditions remain unchanged, including $300 billion in compensation, the release of frozen assets and the withdrawal of US forces. Tehran has also linked the reopening of the Strait of Hormuz to the acceptance of its demands.

Trump keeps lying and saying the strait is open, but, you know, it’s not. (Persian Gulf neighbors are increasingly worried Iran’s control of the strait is now permanent, thanks to the inconceivable stupidity of Donald Trump and Pete Hegseth.)

Quick, roll the president’s giant meat body into a catering cart and dump him in a secret plane so nobody can find him!

Dear Leader has made America into a much coarser place — but at least we can still mock the shit out of him for that ludicrous tangle of cotton-candy bullshit that sits atop his fat, waterlogged head.

or can we?

it’s become a legit question to ask — because yesterday, at an Emotional Support Rally in Las Vegas, Donny showed up rocking a thick head of hair that’s definitely not his own.

just one day earlier, on Fox News, Dear Leader’s hair was a nebulous mass of what the fuck even is that? now, it’s almost normal.

what’s going on up there?

Donny must have seen that video from the other day, where his six remaining strands of hair were trying desperately to escape.

he must have shat out a massive brick, and directed the diaper nurse to go fetch him the business end of a piss-mop, with which to cover that shit up.

. . . anyway, it’s the most questionable thing a member of the Donnyverse has done with their head since Nosferatu McGoebbels spray painted his bald spot.

Donny may have been sporting a new head of hair, but what seeped out of his rancid anus-mouth was the same old fucktangle of gibberish.

“let’s put everything into one— that’s how we call it. it’s actually called the one big, but I call it— THE GREAT BIG, ’cause I like that term better. I named it the one big and then I said why didn’t I call it the great big. I use it all the time.”

whatever you say, Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants.

. . . Donny once again trotted out his brilliant plan to abolish health insurance and replace it with … health insurance.

“we will pass the Great Health Care Plan. it’s called the Great Health Care Plan.. to stop all payments to big insurance companies and give the money directly to the people. they give billions and billions of dollars, because the big health insurance companies and insurance companies, they’re totally controlled by the Democrats. we want to give the money not to the insurance companies, but to the people, and you go out and you buy your own healthcare, and you have money left over. better healthcare and money left over.”

what on earth? how is that even—

what a great idea it was, to put the guy who bankrupted five casinos in charge of ‘fixing’ America’s system of healthcare.

Donny has no idea how health insurance works, or even what healthcare costs, does he? how does one ‘buy their own healthcare,’ if not via an insurance company? what, are we supposed to deal directly with hospitals, and that’s going to somehow magically cost less than insurance? that’s fucking insane.

after the rally, Donny showed up on Fox News, wearing the same old stupid wig, and spouting the same old bullshit lies.

yesterday, Preznit Fuckwit, surrounded by some emotional support humans, sat down behind his Big Boy Resolute Desk so he could sign his latest nonsensical and probably unconstitutional executive order about something something military spouses something — it doesn’t really matter all that much what it was, because the press didn’t want to talk about any of that shit. what they really wanted was Donny’s thoughts on America’s tipsiest US Attorney having dropped the indictment of David Hearn for Grand Theft Paint Chips.

Donny’s reaction wasn’t very pretty.

Donny: “frankly, I think she choked. because the judge was really vicious. instead of going after the people that did it, the judge went after her, and went after her department. and I guess she choked. I don’t know what the hell happened.”

reporter: “are you reconsidering her role?”

Donny: “you don’t— you’re fake news. don’t ever talk again. you’re fake news, one of the worst in the business. fortunately, nobody watches you.”

oh, do kindly shut the fuck up, you obstreperous child.

once again, Donny shows us that he has a toddler’s understanding of how the world works. in what remains of his rotting little brain, he’s concluded that the judge is being so unfair, going after the DOJ instead of the miscreants.

that not how it works. that’s not how any of this works.

no, Jeanine Pirro didn’t ‘choke.’ what she did, for once in her wine-soaked life, was to actually respect the legal process, instead of trying to make headlines.

it was a flawed case. there was no evidence. the Department of the Interior lied to Pirro, and withheld documents that showed it was Donny’s own crony contractor who fucked that shit up, not some imaginary vandal.

but don’t try to explain any of that to Donny. the stupid shit has actually convinced himself that evidence abounds.

“now, we have photographs— or tapes— like moving cameras, right? we have ’em— where people are on the side, cutting it with a box knife.”

what the fuck is Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants blithering about? there are no tapes. the Park Department has released one 46-second video of someone sticking their hand into the water.

that’s it. that’s their ‘proof.’

. . . as Donny’s cognitive collapse increases, he’s losing his words. in that clip, he can’t come up with the word ‘video’ — what seeps out of his anus-mouth instead is ‘moving cameras.’ Donny even makes a circular motion with his freakishly undersized index finger, miming — what, film in a projector?

Donny’s brain is liquifying right before our very eyes — but tell me again how Sleepy Joe Brandon was too old and icky to be president. that’s such a cool story.

my god, what a colicky little piss-baby. imagine being the diaper nurse, or the undead advisor, or the lying press secretary, and having to endure an entire weekend of Donny shitting himself raw while whining about how unfair and mean everyone always is to him.

they all look so happy, don’t they? what a life-affirming experience it must be, to have a job in the Donnyverse.

but the one thing that we always need to keep in mind is that none of this is normal.

a spite-fueled chief executive with a vendetta, directing his entire government to go after someone he imagines must be guilty of something isn’t how functioning democracies work. it’s how tin-horn fascist dictatorships work. it’s how megalomaniacal dumbfucks who believes themselves to be some kind of king works.

it’s some off with his head level bullshit.

traditionally in this country, there has been a separation between a president and their Department of Justice, so there’s no appearance of impropriety.

I know that we all wished that Joe Biden would have called up Merrick Garland and screamed at him to hurry the fuck up with the prosecution of Donny — but Joe was right not to do it, because presidents aren’t supposed get up in that shit.

it’s an abuse of power.

they’re also not supposed to go on live TV and whine about how their hand-picked attorney folded like an umbrella.

. . . and presidents sure as fuck aren’t supposed to summon a US Attorney to the Oval Bordello so he can personally whip a ketchup bottle at their head — which is exactly what Donny did yesterday afternoon.

President Trump met with Jeanine Pirro, the U.S. attorney in Washington, and Doug Burgum, the interior secretary whose department oversees the Reflecting Pool, in the Oval Office this afternoon, according to two people familiar with the meeting.

seriously, what the fuck?

as for Attorney Boxwine, shed not a tear for her, should she end up on the Great Shitpile of Discarded Flunkies. she did it to herself.

she’s merely the most recent member of the Donnyverse to show up all full of piss and vinegar, somehow imagining that working for an erratic narcissist with no impulse control is going be an amazing experience, only to be flushed down the shitter the second she displeases Dear Leader.

at the end of the day, Attorney Boxwine has poured gasoline all over her career and set it on fire. where does she go next? who’s going to hire her? Fox News? I doubt it.

anyway, who gives a shit, really? she fucking sucks.

enjoy your one-way ticket to nowheresville, Jeanine. you earned it.

folks, I just got off the phone with Mitch McConnell. we had a nice twenty-minute chat about Preznit Fuckwit’s behavior at Lindsey Graham’s funeral.

‘who the fuck acts like that,’ he wanted to know.

“virtually everyone, Republican or Democrat, liked— LINDSEY. well, not everybody. but it sounds good. not everybody. HEH HEH. I have to be honest. I have to veer from this for a second.”

I had to agree with Mitch — who acts like that?

are you telling me that after a lifetime of lying about every fucking thing, this is the moment that Donny chooses to be honest, and point out that not everyone liked Lindsey — at his funeral?

and what’s with the inappropriate laugh?

Lindsey Graham pretty much sold his soul to become Dear Leader’s bestie. he humiliated himself, and burrowed straight up Donny’s ass — and in return, Donny can’t even be bothered to put any effort at all into delivering a heartfelt and respectful eulogy. 

dude, this is not the time for veering into brutal honesty. just read the words that someone wrote for you.

on second thought, maybe not every word.

“…with a gleam in his eye after being lectured on the excruciating details of PATENT LAW by a fellow— SENATOR during— a FLIGHT, Lindsey declared that he had discovered a new form of— enhanced interrogation and torture for the— Guantanamo Bay area, he said, ‘this is really bad stuff and BORING’”

who wrote this shit for Donny? who thought it was appropriate to tell a Gitmo torture joke at a funeral? comedy gold! 

here’s the real torture: listening to Donny — with his weird halting cadences and his second-grade-level reading comprehension — struggle to make his way through the words he was too lazy to review ahead of time.

and then, when he was finished delivering his eulogy, Donny knocked on Lindsey’s coffin. hello, hello — is anyone home?

is that a thing? who does that?

what do you think Donny was saying, as he was rappy-tappy-tapping? ‘hey, Lindsey, did you know that Stephen Miller sleeps in one of these?’

but wait — it gets dumbfuckier.

after Donny sat back down, he pulled a packet of Tic Tacs out of his pocket and showed them to Couchfuck McGee.

Donny then tried, failed, and finally succeeded in putting a Tic Tac into his mouth.

now, we all know why Donny always has breath mints at the ready. remember what Sexual Assault Jesus so wisely counseled us in his Sermon on the Access Hollywood Tape:

I better use some Tic Tacs just in case I start kissing her. You know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful—I just start kissing them. It's like a magnet. Just kiss. I don't even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab ’em by the pussy. You can do anything.

so, who inside the church was Donny so super-horny to kiss that he needed pull out the Tic Tacs, pronto? was it his stalker-slash-diaper-nurse? eww.

speaking of which, isn’t it great that the presidential diaper bag and the nuclear football travel side by side? you know, just in case Donny has his own little thermonuclear event in his pants.

I’ve never been more proud to be an American. we’re number one!

but I know there’s one thing you’ve been dying to ask me this whole time: ‘Uncle Jeff! Uncle Jeff! did everyone’s favorite narcoleptic old fart factory close his weary eyes and fill the church with the pungent aroma of ass music?’

you fucking well better believe he did! the Nodfather was out like a light.

and the poor homey sitting right behind Don Snoreleone can’t believe he just got presidentially crop dusted.

can we get this guy a Purple Heart or something? 

so, for those of you keeping score at home, Donny is now two-for-two in Falling The Fuck Asleep At Funerals. he’s batting a thousand, after having sawn logs at Pope Francis’ funeral a little over a year ago.

at least yesterday, Donny managed to keep his mouth closed and not drool all over himself.

After the Freedom Truck, we spotted, visited, and avoided a Budweiser Truck ($12 Michelob, no thank you), and then moved on to a tent with a religious theme. A “Great Awakening” booth had books and DVDs on the essential fakeness of the COVID pandemic, the country’s Christian founding, and more. My friend and I stopped to speak with an attendant at the stall; she immediately began to try to convert us. She asked if we really knew what would happen once we died; I replied that I didn’t think anyone knew the answer to that question. Her eyes now burning, she told us that she knew, asked our names, and started to pray for us. Once she asked if we could repeat after her that Jesus Christ was our lord and savior, we walked away.

The whole thing veered from strangely funny to unsettling to deadening. Another booth was for AMAC, the Association of Mature American Citizens. It’s the conservative AARP; among other things, they support raising the minimum eligibility age for Social Security. At the fair, they were giving out red grip pads with “THE LEFT NEEDS TO GET A GRIP” emblazoned on the front. 

Outside of the big tents are rows of smaller ones that line the edges of the fair. One activity involves taking a mini-passport and going to the booth for each of the states and territories represented at the fair. Connecticut Public Media reportedthat Freedom 250 was demanding that the states fund and staff the exhibits.

Because several states declined to participate, the result was bizarre. The booths for Vermont and Hawaii were decorated with two chairs, a stamp, and a backdrop that has the name of the state. New Jersey declined to send a delegation. Instead, an organizer told me, Freedom250 reached out to conservative Cape May county. That is how Cape May came to represent the entire state of New Jersey at the fair.

. . . We went into another booth that exhibited the work of an artist who made stylized images of American cities and monuments. It wasn’t immediately obvious, but he also seemed to be a Christian nationalist. In the style of a pre-printing press illuminated manuscript, he included a fabricated quote from George Washington: “Do not let anyone claim tribute of american patriotism if they even attempt to remove religion from politics,” it read.

Federal departments had booths, as well. The Justice Department’s was entirely devoted to the Bureau of Prisons, with at least three recruitment tables to become prison guards. The Department of State had giant mockups of the new, limited-edition Trump passport. 

One guest gravely asked whether this would apply to everyone seeking a new passport; another, younger man, eagerly asked how to get one.

By that point, we had had enough. A few days later, the friend I went with texted me, describing a “psychic shock” he got from the fair.

“Things are worse than I thought,” he wrote.

cross-posted from: https://crazypeople.online/post/20907767

Let’s dissect this obviously true and verifiable statement from the FBI director about the terrorist attack he definitely thwarted this week with his bare hands, which were tied behind his back at the time:

On June 10, FBI and our law enforcement partners became aware of a potential threat to the UFC America 250 event in Washington, D.C. involving individuals outside of the National Capital Region – and thanks to the rapid action of this FBI, our partners, and the Department of Justice in a multi-state operation, multiple individuals are now in custody and allegedly planned attacks were stopped cold.

STOPPED. COLD.

And they all got arrested, praise Kash!

Who are they? You wouldn’t know them, they go to a different school, in Canada.

While the result represented the best of investigative work, it was also nothing out of the ordinary for this law enforcement team –

Pfffffft, Kash is not bragging, Kash does this every week, in his girl-sized jacket.

More:

we are built to detect, respond to, and bring to justice those who threaten the lives of American citizens - particularly during large gatherings like the historic UFC 250 fight.

“Historic.” Literally the most human trash event to happen at the Trump White House since at least the week before, but sure, friendless MAGA loser with loser MAGA girlfriend who’s currently the butt of jokes in Belgium because the embassy brought her there to “perform,” we’ll call it “historic.”

That’s exactly what we did here. I want to thank our great agents and partners, this work remains ongoing and we will continue to update the public as permitted.

Wait, what did they do? Ka$h forgot to explain why we should all be bone-hard about his heroic efforts. What did he stand athwart of and yell “NOT ON MY WATCH”?

Before we go on, we explicitly told you not to laugh at Kash Patel, yet we feel like you are all laughing at Kash Patel right now. Why are you doing that?

Kash links to Fox News, which is dutifully going through the motions of licking up and down the Trump regime’s musky asshole, breathlessly reporting this obviously bullshit true story about Kash stopping the second 9/11 like two days ago at Trump’s birthday, because that’s totally how a real professional FBI conducts itself, by immediately rushing to a microphone to brag about terrorist attacks it just definitely for real stopped.

Of course, even Fox News’s headline and subheadline use the word “allegedly,” which suggests to us that even they may not really believe it.

Five people were in custody as of Monday, and investigators identified 23 people as part of a potential network of plotters. The alleged plan involved using explosive-laden drones to hit buildings near the event, force a mass evacuation and steer crowds toward a pre-staged sniper team, officials said.

A “second wave” was then allegedly planned to storm the White House gate, according to officials.

“Officials.” OK.

Were the alleged attackers transgender, Kash? Did they find a whole buncha bullets that say “DID IT BECUZ TRANSGENDURRR?”

The FBI first learned of the threat on June 10 and worked with partners to secure probable cause for an arrest in Cincinnati, where one suspect was taken into custody.

Cincinnati, yep, OK.

“In the days leading up to this weekend, our special agents, mission support personnel, and technical security teams worked around the clock to identify those responsible and hold them accountable,” Secret Service Director Sean Curran said in a statement. “Equally important to our protective mission is ensuring accountability through the justice system. To that end, our formal comments regarding the specifics of this case will be made through court filings.”

Investigators later uncovered Signal chats in which multiple people allegedly discussed attacking the UFC event. An initial review of one suspect’s iPhone identified at least 23 Signal users discussing pre-operational activity, officials said.

Signal? Was Pete Hegseth on the chat?

One suspect allegedly told investigators the goal was to target “capitalist elites,” “billionaires” or politicians who received donations from the American Israel Public Affairs Committee.

Oh gosh, that sounds exactly like a thing that happened.

The investigation stretched across at least 12 FBI field offices.

Whew, how can Kash coordinate that many offices AT ONCE? He must be extra sober these days!

The alleged plot targeted UFC Freedom 250, a high-profile White House event held on the South Lawn as part of President Donald Trump’s 80th birthday weekend.

Because if you’re going to attack the capitalist elites and the billionaires and the AIPAC recipients, you do it at the dementia-fied president’s 80th birthday party super smackdown punchy fighty bouncy house party! It probably says that somewhere in Rules For Radicals.

Reacting to the news on “FOX & Friends” Tuesday, Vice President JD Vance called it “very, very dark stuff.”

OK, Couchfuck The Clown.

“This is what happens when people turn the rhetoric up so loud that disagreeing with somebody is a cause for violence,” Vance said. “We got to tell everybody to tone it down.”

“Everybody has a role to cut this stuff out,” Vance continued. “But I think a lot of my Democratic colleagues in Washington have got to look themselves in the mirror and say, why is so much of this political violence coming from our side of the spectrum?”

The political violence that didn’t happen that we have no evidence besides Kash Patel’s word was even being planned? Fuck off.

In summary and in conclusion, everybody is safe now and nobody drone-attacked the president’s birthday party or stormed the whole White House, and this is only the case because Kash Patel is so good at his job and also is just in general a cool guy with human friends who’s good at sex, everybody says so.

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/47761324

Can we just start calling them "weird" again? It seemed to work.

Source: https://www.lgbtqnation.com/2026/06/gop-candidate-struggles-to-burn-rainbow-flag-while-screaming-from-top-of-u-haul-at-2-people/

The losses on any given day come so fast and across such a wide spectrum of civic life that it overwhelms our capacity to mourn. One death is a tragedy, a million is a statistic.

. . . Living through the Trump II presidency is an exercise in repeated loss and extended mourning for what is gone — while being daily confronted with the farcical and the absurd.

cross-posted from: https://discuss.online/post/40723448