cross-posted from: https://crazypeople.online/post/20907767

Let’s dissect this obviously true and verifiable statement from the FBI director about the terrorist attack he definitely thwarted this week with his bare hands, which were tied behind his back at the time:

On June 10, FBI and our law enforcement partners became aware of a potential threat to the UFC America 250 event in Washington, D.C. involving individuals outside of the National Capital Region – and thanks to the rapid action of this FBI, our partners, and the Department of Justice in a multi-state operation, multiple individuals are now in custody and allegedly planned attacks were stopped cold.

STOPPED. COLD.

And they all got arrested, praise Kash!

Who are they? You wouldn’t know them, they go to a different school, in Canada.

While the result represented the best of investigative work, it was also nothing out of the ordinary for this law enforcement team –

Pfffffft, Kash is not bragging, Kash does this every week, in his girl-sized jacket.

More:

we are built to detect, respond to, and bring to justice those who threaten the lives of American citizens - particularly during large gatherings like the historic UFC 250 fight.

“Historic.” Literally the most human trash event to happen at the Trump White House since at least the week before, but sure, friendless MAGA loser with loser MAGA girlfriend who’s currently the butt of jokes in Belgium because the embassy brought her there to “perform,” we’ll call it “historic.”

That’s exactly what we did here. I want to thank our great agents and partners, this work remains ongoing and we will continue to update the public as permitted.

Wait, what did they do? Ka$h forgot to explain why we should all be bone-hard about his heroic efforts. What did he stand athwart of and yell “NOT ON MY WATCH”?

Before we go on, we explicitly told you not to laugh at Kash Patel, yet we feel like you are all laughing at Kash Patel right now. Why are you doing that?

Kash links to Fox News, which is dutifully going through the motions of licking up and down the Trump regime’s musky asshole, breathlessly reporting this obviously bullshit true story about Kash stopping the second 9/11 like two days ago at Trump’s birthday, because that’s totally how a real professional FBI conducts itself, by immediately rushing to a microphone to brag about terrorist attacks it just definitely for real stopped.

Of course, even Fox News’s headline and subheadline use the word “allegedly,” which suggests to us that even they may not really believe it.

Five people were in custody as of Monday, and investigators identified 23 people as part of a potential network of plotters. The alleged plan involved using explosive-laden drones to hit buildings near the event, force a mass evacuation and steer crowds toward a pre-staged sniper team, officials said.

A “second wave” was then allegedly planned to storm the White House gate, according to officials.

“Officials.” OK.

Were the alleged attackers transgender, Kash? Did they find a whole buncha bullets that say “DID IT BECUZ TRANSGENDURRR?”

The FBI first learned of the threat on June 10 and worked with partners to secure probable cause for an arrest in Cincinnati, where one suspect was taken into custody.

Cincinnati, yep, OK.

“In the days leading up to this weekend, our special agents, mission support personnel, and technical security teams worked around the clock to identify those responsible and hold them accountable,” Secret Service Director Sean Curran said in a statement. “Equally important to our protective mission is ensuring accountability through the justice system. To that end, our formal comments regarding the specifics of this case will be made through court filings.”

Investigators later uncovered Signal chats in which multiple people allegedly discussed attacking the UFC event. An initial review of one suspect’s iPhone identified at least 23 Signal users discussing pre-operational activity, officials said.

Signal? Was Pete Hegseth on the chat?

One suspect allegedly told investigators the goal was to target “capitalist elites,” “billionaires” or politicians who received donations from the American Israel Public Affairs Committee.

Oh gosh, that sounds exactly like a thing that happened.

The investigation stretched across at least 12 FBI field offices.

Whew, how can Kash coordinate that many offices AT ONCE? He must be extra sober these days!

The alleged plot targeted UFC Freedom 250, a high-profile White House event held on the South Lawn as part of President Donald Trump’s 80th birthday weekend.

Because if you’re going to attack the capitalist elites and the billionaires and the AIPAC recipients, you do it at the dementia-fied president’s 80th birthday party super smackdown punchy fighty bouncy house party! It probably says that somewhere in Rules For Radicals.

Reacting to the news on “FOX & Friends” Tuesday, Vice President JD Vance called it “very, very dark stuff.”

OK, Couchfuck The Clown.

“This is what happens when people turn the rhetoric up so loud that disagreeing with somebody is a cause for violence,” Vance said. “We got to tell everybody to tone it down.”

“Everybody has a role to cut this stuff out,” Vance continued. “But I think a lot of my Democratic colleagues in Washington have got to look themselves in the mirror and say, why is so much of this political violence coming from our side of the spectrum?”

The political violence that didn’t happen that we have no evidence besides Kash Patel’s word was even being planned? Fuck off.

In summary and in conclusion, everybody is safe now and nobody drone-attacked the president’s birthday party or stormed the whole White House, and this is only the case because Kash Patel is so good at his job and also is just in general a cool guy with human friends who’s good at sex, everybody says so.

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/47761324

Can we just start calling them "weird" again? It seemed to work.

Source: https://www.lgbtqnation.com/2026/06/gop-candidate-struggles-to-burn-rainbow-flag-while-screaming-from-top-of-u-haul-at-2-people/

The losses on any given day come so fast and across such a wide spectrum of civic life that it overwhelms our capacity to mourn. One death is a tragedy, a million is a statistic.

. . . Living through the Trump II presidency is an exercise in repeated loss and extended mourning for what is gone — while being daily confronted with the farcical and the absurd.

cross-posted from: https://discuss.online/post/40723448

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/47587208

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/47568273

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.ml/post/47247059

"Who cares if they don't operate in the US due to regulatory restrictions, as long I'm getting paid, I'm fine with it!"

King Charles III, can we talk?

Charles, why are you doing this? why are you conferring legitimacy onto a piss-baby fascist by gracing him with your royal presence? there’s no good reason for it. what’s in it for you? you’re a literal king. it’s right there in your title. you could be doing anything else with your time right now.

**no world leader needs to be giving Donny the time of day. he’s turned the United States into a pariah state, so treat him like the pariah he is. **just say no.

plus, Donny’s an unpredictable ticking time bomb. meet with him, and you’re basically spinning the Big Wheel of Bugfuck. anything could happen. worst case, you’ll end up dogpiled in the Oval Bordello like Zelenskyy.

best case, you’ll simply stand around helplessly while Donny makes a fool of himself.

Donny, what the fuck are you doing? did you catch what just happened in that clip? dude cut in front of King Charles and prevented him from shaking hands. how rude. who does that?

but of course, blocking British royalty is kind of Donny’s signature move.

for fuck’s sake, Donny — how about having a little situational awareness?

in fact, do not ever stand between Donny and a camera, or you’ll be in for a rude awakening, as the Prime Minister of Montenegro found out during a 2017 NATO photo op.

what a dick.

but that’s what happens when you spin the Big Wheel of Bugfuck — and that’s why, when Donny invited King Charles to America, the king should have replied that he would have loved to, but he literally had to be doing anything else on the planet.

and of course Donny made the royal visit all about himself.

“in a few hours, His Majesty will stand in the heart— of the United States Capitol as the very first British king ever to adrist— a— joint session— of— the— United States Congress, so he’s gonna be addressing— Congress, and I’m gonna be watching. I was thinking of going but they said I don’t know. that might be a step too far. I would love to go— it’s not supposed to be protocol but I would love to be with you.”

yeah, he actually said ‘adrist.’

Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants’ rapidly-increasing deterioration is impossible to ignore. he can no longer read. he’s completely flummoxed by the one-syllable words his handlers have written for him. dragging Donny out in public and forcing him to speechify is really at this point a form of elder abuse.

do you think Donny has any idea what the words he’s struggling to pronounce mean? he seems completely mystified by what he’s saying. he also seems completely mystified by punctuation, as he mechanically gasps out each word.

“majestic inheritance their veins ran with Anglo-Saxon courage their hearts beat with an English faith in standing firm for what is right good and true.”

majestic inheritance whaaaaat?

I’m surprised that Republicans haven’t turned Donny’s cognitive decline into yet another reason for why he needs a vulgar Epstein Dance Hall™.

by the way, Donny missed a perfect opportunity to ask King Charles about the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow. I certainly would have.

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/46181775

Ick.

Monday, after the news was announced, Jones responded by walking, shirtless, onto the set of an InfoWars livestream and insisting the buyout wasn’t real, that InfoWars isn’t just a name or URL, it’s YOU, and also that he would reverse the not-real, illegal theft deal in court. He also talked up his new website, which of course we won’t link to.

Jones offered a unique, and completely wrong, interpretation of what parody means, and probably defamed his own attorneys by suggesting they’d explained that “You can’t take something over and then act like you’re somebody, even if you say it’s a parody. You could do a parody of somebody, but not if you took something from them. I’ve already checked with lawyers, so they’re in deep shit.”

This is nonsensical bullshit, particularly since The Onion’s version of InfoWars replaces the “o” with the Onion logo to avoid any confusion. I ordered the tote bag myself; the logo is in gay-frog rainbow colors on one side and muted grayscale camo on the other.

“This tote bag has two sides, one for each of your moods. Yes, two moods is all you have.”

. . . . Heidecker told Rolling Stone that the revamped InfoWars site will initially go live as a parody of its own conspiracy-obsessed origins, but that he expects it to evolve beyond that over time. It’ll start out mocking Jones and the conspiracysphere, but Heidecker says he has long thought “the satire of what the Infowars Alex Jones universe is has a fairly short runway. It’s going to get old after a little while, and then what do you have?”

He said he hopes to transform the site into a new comedy streaming site that can be profitable, to get money to the Sandy Hook families, that would grow beyond the formal limits of news parody that The Onion is known for, “but still play to the same Onion audience.”

For the short term, while mocking conspiracy wierdos remains the rebuilt site’s focus, Collins told the Wall Street Journal (gift link) that Heidecker and his crew already have some blockbuster conspiracy stories on the way, like an exposé of how “the American people don’t know this, but JFK didn’t kill himself.” Intriguing!

some fucking idiot’s Friday started just about as early as possible — at 12:18 in the morning, when he unleashed a barrage of not-tweets that went on for two and a half hours.

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/46047174

do you live in a shithole country?

here’s one dead giveaway: are you ruled by a Mad King who craps out blatant dumbfuckery on a daily basis, after which his courtiers have to work overtime to polish whatever smelly turd just fell out of his stupid mouth?

the first item on today’s agenda needs to come with its own trigger warning, because it’s so fucking idiotic that you might end up dumber just from having encountered it.

“only President Trump could saves the lives of these eight beautiful Iranian women.”

what the fuck is Karoline Lie-vitt blithering about?

never before in the entire history of the multiverse has the question ‘are these eight beautiful Iranian women in the room with us right now’ been a more appropriate thing to ask — because in fact, **these eight women have never been in the room with anyone, ever. **they don’t exist.

they’re the figment of the imagination of some janky plagiarism bot, and Donny swallowed it — hook, line and sinker — like the swamp-brained nincompoop he is.

“To the Iranian leaders, who will soon be in negotiations with my representatives: I would greatly appreciate the release of these women. I am sure that they will respect the fact that you did so. Please do them no harm! Would be a great start to our negotiations!!! Thank you for your attention to this matter. President DONALD J. TRUMP”

this is so shittacularly stupid, it hurts my head to even type this out.

some complete rando on the internet had an AI gin up a bunch of fake images of nonexistent women he claimed were about to be executed by Iran’s regime. he then posted them to Elon’s Nazi Bar and Child Porn Emporium, where they came to the attention of our Moron-in-Chief, who decided on the spot to use them as a start to the next round of peace negotiations.

but wait — it gets stupider. the next day, out of the clear blue, Donny proudly proclaimed that he had saved the lives of these eight imaginary women.

“Very good news! I have just been informed that the eight women protestors who were going to be executed tonight in Iran will no longer be killed. Four will be released immediately, and four will be sentenced to one month in prison. I very much appreciate that Iran, and its leaders, respected my request, as President of the United States, and terminated the planned execution. Thank you for your attention to this matter! President DONALD J. TRUMP”

where is Donny getting his information from? because — and I cannot stress this enough — THESE WOMEN DON’T EXIST.

it’s so monumentally stupid that even Iran ended up mocking Donny, right to his big, dumb pumpkin face.

think about how clownfuckingly insane this is. Dear Leader was fooled by fake images he saw online, and then farted out an entire narrative wherein he successfully appealed for these bogus women’s lives to be spared.

it’s as if Donny were a child playing with Barbie dolls, inventing stories for them.

‘you get released immediately — but you’ve been a bad girl, and you have to spend a month in jail.’

imagine that Joe Biden’s autopen had done anything like this when he was in office. the press would have had a fucking field day. the New York Times would have run seven hundred overheated editorials about Joe needed to resign immediately, for the good of the country.

but because we live in the shittiest possible timeline, the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled press took Donny’s fever-swamp hallucination as fact, and printed it verbatim.

oh, come on. why do we even have a media, if not one of them are going to their jobs?

pro tip for the worthless scribs: every time you start a story with ‘Donny says,’ you’re just enabling and normalizing his dementia-fueled delusions.

finally, to cap it all off, Karoline Leavitt showed up on Fox News to praise Dear Leader for being the Glorious Liberator Of Eight Computer-Generated Women Who Probably Each Have Six Fingers.

welcome to the fucked-up version of America we find ourselves living in, in the Year of Our Lord 2026. we have a cognitively-impaired imbecile president who says stupid shit twenty-four-seven, while grown adults pretend it’s the most perfectly normal thing in the world. nothing to see here, move along.

that’s because shithole countries don’t become shithole countries all by themselves. they need people like Karoline Leavitt — aided and abetted by the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled press — to help them come to fruition.

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.ml/post/45495391