cross-posted from: https://lemmy.zip/post/71481162

once again, stupid got off to an jackrabbit-quick start this week — because, as I always like to ask around here, what’s stupider than MAGA?

you people keep falling for this trick question! the answer is still nothing.

Jason Selvig of the Good Liars: “how would you rate the job that Donald Trump’s done thus far in his 2nd term?” 

MAGA: “I think he’s done fabulous and I think it’s a 3rd term. he’s awakening the country that has not been aware of the corrupt swamp and what they been doing. I think he had full control while Biden was in office. he had to let Biden cheat, he knew it was gonna happen so he let him in and Obama ran this place from the basement. President Trump still had control of the military so there wasn’t much Biden or Obama was gonna be able to do militarily except open them gates.”

what in the actual small-batch artisanal fuck did we all just listen to?

I’m not even sure I can parse this doublefuckload of batshittery. let me give it a whirl. let’s see, according to this woman, Dear Leader was actually running the country all during the Biden years — ‘he had full control,’ to use her exact words. but at the same time, Barack HUSSEIN Obama was in the basement, doing whatever the fuck he was doing?

how would that even work?

as Curly so sagely counseled us, ‘I’m trying to think, but nothing happens.’

I’ll bet that if we could somehow hook MAGA up to a generator, stupid could be our nation’s greatest source of renewable energy.

tuesday: Neckflix and chill the fuck out, you performative dipshits

now get ready for Monday’s stupid-meter to burst into flames from a dumbfuck overload — because this week, the worst people in the world got hella mad at a TV show.

Will Sommer@willsommer

Conservatives are getting insanely mad at Netflix because they think a foreign Netflix account did a Charlie Kirk joke for The Gentlemen.

3:03 PM · Sep 10, 2026 · 38.6K Views

36 Replies · 47 Reposts · 728 Likes

the show that’s got the MAGAsphere all hot and bothered is ‘The Gentlemen,’ a British comedy whose premise is — and I quote — ‘a young aristocrat inherits his family’s massive country estate, only to discover it serves as the front for a massive underground cannabis empire.’

yes, I know — they used ‘massive’ twice in the same sentence. look, not everyone is as brilliant a writer as I am. but I digress.

the apparent issue here is that somehow, a neck joke posted to social media by Netflixinsults the hallowed memory of misshapen garden gnome Charlie Kirk, who got necksecuted by a gunshot one year ago this week.

yes, I know — it’s too stupid for words. in fact, I think I got dumber just from trying to explain it to you.

and every single one of these useless fucksticks missed a golden opportunity to refer to Netflix and Neckflix. but again, not everyone is as brilliant a writer as I am. 

now, here’s the beauty part: apparently, there’s a whole cottage industry of dunderheads who go running to Elon’s Nazi Bar and Child Porn Emporium to performatively pretend to cancel Netflix over and over, every time there’s a new manfactroversy to milk for attention.

you know what? let’s allow the misshapen garden gnome to have the last word on this subject.

Free speech is not just the freedom to say what you want to say, sometimes you might have to hear things you don’t want to hear.

come on, Chuckles — you’re breaking our hearts.

wednesday: whatcha got down there? part one

can anyone tell me what MAGA pastor-slash-grifer Hank Kunneman is so worked up about? listen to this hyperventilating shitgibbon, he’s practically screaming at the top of his lungs.

“I am not going to let uncircumcised, uncovenanted people try to steal this nation that was dedicated to Jesus Christ.”

bro — I’ve got Jesus H. Christ himself on the phone here. he told me to tell you to dial it the fuck down, hotshot.

now, I have a question. who is Pastor Hank all worked up about, when he rails against ‘uncircumcised people?’ it’s not Muslims. those homies are circumcised. so, who then? women? that would track, for a misogynist like Hank.

but I also have followup questions: what is it with the MAGAverse’s infantile obsession with needing to know what’s going on inside everyone’s pants? what the fuck is their problem? and who is going to police this ‘turtlenecks not allowed’ worldiew of Hank Kunneman and his cohort? are we going to need an official underwear inspector?

because I know someone who would absolutely volunteer for the job.

thursday: whatcha got down there? part two 

oh shit, it’s a ‘what’s down your pants’ two-fer. lucky us.

Fox News found object Jesse Watters: “there was some concern even among Republicans that they weren’t going to be able to pull the convention off, but it does seem they did a pretty good job.”

Jessica Tarlov: “they got all the best photos of Hasan Piker in a speedo.” 

Watters: “I missed that.”

Jessica: “you missed the banana hammock? you missed a bunch of betas standing around looking at a half-naked socialist?”

in case you’re as in the dark about this as the Found Object is, let me clue you in.

that’s right, the crotch-obsessed weirdos at the RNC thought it would be super-fun to put a pixelated photo of Hasan Piker, naked except for a speedo, up on the jumbotron during Dear Leader’s Emotional Support Conference.

why? of what possibly relevance was that?

the Donnyverse sure seems fixated on left-wing weenuses, don’t they?

I wonder what that’s all about.

my dudes, I just go off the phone with America’s Self-Appointed Panty Inspector™. she says to tone it the fuck down — you’re embarrassing yourselves. you’re embarrassing her.

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friday: the further adventures of Some Fucking Idiot™

on Friday, some fucking idiot had one job to do: not make a fool of himself at the 25th memorial of the 9/11 attack on the Pentagon — and he whiffed it, bigly.

evidently, the fucking idiot’s Slovenian rent-a-wife was contractually obligated to make an appearance — and it couldn’t be more obvious that she can’t even stand to be on the same planet as the fucking idiot, much less in the same room. she wouldn’t even acknowledge his presence. 

naturally, the fucking immediately idiot fell into a deep sleep. he was out like a light.

holy shit, was the fucking idiot stroking out?

and what’s going on with the fucking idiot’s bloated cankles? it looks like his socks are stuffed with putrefying eggplants. 

it’s really weird how the 83-year-old, stage four cancer sufferer Joe Biden managed to stand for the entire ceremony in New York, while the fucking idiot was narcoleptically crop-dusting the Pentagon with the piquant aroma of ass-music. it’s like the Pentagon got bombed all over again.

later in the day, back in the White House, the fucking idiot posted a heartfelt tribute to those who lost their lives in the terror attack twenty-five years ago. oh no, wait — he didn’t do any of that shit. what the fucking idiot did post, was his video from January 6, 2021, when he pretended to tell the insurrectionists that he’s sent to try to overturn the 2020 election that it was time to go home.

what was the possibly context for posting a random video from over five years ago? spoiler alert: there isn’t any. the fucking idiot’s brain is tapioca pudding. 

oh, and the fucking idiot also took a moment to whine about how everyone is making fun of his promise to give MAGA a $5,000 bribe if they vote for Republicans. so unfair! so unfair!

way to honor the memory of those who perished at the Pentagon, you fucking idiot.

. . . He’s frantically screaming that if James Talarico wins in Texas, “I will be the last Republican president and our country will live in hell!” So that is dramatic.

Meanwhile, he has also been frantically screaming that the Republican midterm convention he’s throwing in Dallas next week [this week] is going to be “Historic Event” and “RALLY like none other!” and you know how his babbling goes. “GREAT AMERICAN COMEBACK!” “NO TAX ON TIPS!”

Sounds cool.

Except for how hardly any Republicans appear to be planning to attend, especially those with tough re-election fights, because Donald Trump adds zero (0) value to their re-election prospects, because he is approximately as popular these days as accidentally slamming your finger shut in a car door on your way to unanesthetized hemorrhoid surgery. 

Reporters are running around Capitol Hill asking Republicans if they’re excited to go to Dallas this weekend for this veritable MAGA fuckfest — White House aides are calling it Trump-a-palooza, sad — and shit if they don’t all seem to have other plans that day. 

For one thing, Republican lawmakers are supposed to pay $25,000 for the privilege of being in the same room as the human equivalent of a loose stool. Which is, what, a bribe? (And that’s the entry-level bribe, says Puck News.)

And then there’s, like, some football games next week and weekend?

And it’s almost 9/11? 

And, like, nobody fucking cares about watching President Epstein McPuddingCup’s latest desperate ploy for a mandatory Dear Leader celebration? 

Anyway, John Thune and Mike Johnson are going, because they probably have to, as congressional Republican leadership. Ted Cruz is going, because we guess all the flights to Cancun are overbooked, and besides, he’s not done saying “Please sir, may I have another?” to express his continued subservience to Trump, after Trump called his wife an Ugly from Fugly Town all those years ago. 

Gross fraud-crimer Texas Republican Senate nominee Ken Paxton is going, because Dallas, and anything to try to save himself from losing to James Talarico. We’re sure Donald Trump will waddle his voluminous ass out of the way long enough to make it about Ken Paxton.

But a POLITICO survey of more than 70 GOP candidates and members revealed that most either do not plan to attend or are still weighing whether to go. Dozens more declined to share their plans.

Hahahahahahaha.

So that’s 70 “Nos” and one million “Let me touch base with you that days” and probably a bunch of day-of “OMW!” texts from Republican politicians/candidates who are definitely still at home on the couch masturbating to Death of the Pastor’s Wife on Netflix with no plans to get up.

Some of them have “fundraiser.” Some of them have “wedding.” Some have “9/11.” Some, like Susan Collins, are basically just like oh fuck off.

Donald Trump is frantically screaming about how Meet The Press host Kristen Welker needs to be punished or maybe disappeared for lightly suggesting that not all his endorsements have been made of gold this midterm season. He is trying to sic the FCC on “FAKE POLLS” that, we guess, don’t say he and the Republicans are winning 49 out of 50 states in a landslide, and the one he isn’t winning is because it’s rigged by mail-in-voting or Hunter Biden’s laptop.

He’s frantically screaming that if James Talarico wins in Texas, “I will be the last Republican president and our country will live in hell!” So that is dramatic.

Meanwhile, he has also been frantically screaming that the Republican midterm convention he’s throwing in Dallas next week is going to be “Historic Event” and “RALLY like none other!” and you know how his babbling goes. “GREAT AMERICAN COMEBACK!” “NO TAX ON TIPS!”

Sounds cool.

Except for how hardly any Republicans appear to be planning to attend, especially those with tough re-election fights, because Donald Trump adds zero (0) value to their re-election prospects, because he is approximately as popular these days as accidentally slamming your finger shut in a car door on your way to unanesthetized hemorrhoid surgery. 

Reporters are running around Capitol Hill asking Republicans if they’re excited to go to Dallas this weekend for this veritable MAGA fuckfest — White House aides are calling it Trump-a-palooza, sad — and shit if they don’t all seem to have other plans that day. 

For one thing, Republican lawmakers are supposed to pay $25,000 for the privilege of being in the same room as the human equivalent of a loose stool. Which is, what, a bribe? (And that’s the entry-level bribe, says Puck News.)

And then there’s, like, some football games next week and weekend?

And it’s almost 9/11? 

And, like, nobody fucking cares about watching President Epstein McPuddingCup’s latest desperate ploy for a mandatory Dear Leader celebration? 

Anyway, John Thune and Mike Johnson are going, because they probably have to, as congressional Republican leadership. Ted Cruz is going, because we guess all the flights to Cancun are overbooked, and besides, he’s not done saying “Please sir, may I have another?” to express his continued subservience to Trump, after Trump called his wife an Ugly from Fugly Town all those years ago. 

Gross fraud-crimer Texas Republican Senate nominee Ken Paxton is going, because Dallas, and anything to try to save himself from losing to James Talarico. We’re sure Donald Trump will waddle his voluminous ass out of the way long enough to make it about Ken Paxton.

But a POLITICO survey of more than 70 GOP candidates and members revealed that most either do not plan to attend or are still weighing whether to go. Dozens more declined to share their plans.

Hahahahahahaha.

So that’s 70 “Nos” and one million “Let me touch base with you that days” and probably a bunch of day-of “OMW!” texts from Republican politicians/candidates who are definitely still at home on the couch masturbating to Death of the Pastor’s Wife on Netflix with no plans to get up.

Some of them have “fundraiser.” Some of them have “wedding.” Some have “9/11.” Some, like Susan Collins, are basically just like oh fuck off. 

Some of them have $25,000 dollars to get in? What the hell? Literally. One House Republican Politico spoke to said, “I didn’t want to go anyways. That made it easier.” Meanwhile Tim Burchett is like heeeeeeenghhhh? “It’s $25,000, apparently — I just got a bill,” said Burchett.

Most of them have oh my fucking God, absolutely not, especially if they are hanging on to their seats by a thread:

“I just felt I’d be more useful in my district,” said Rep. Tom Barrett, who is facing a tough campaign to keep his central Michigan seat. “I travel a lot for this job and if I can be back home and see my family and do the job back home as well, then that’s sort of what I lean toward doing.”

Asked if the president’s remarks might cause him problems back home, Barrett said: “I can’t control what the president’s going to say at the convention, but I can control where I’m at, what I’m doing.” 

Wait, is he saying he doesn’t think Donald Trump is going to stay on message? Huh. 

“I’m going to be in my district,” Rep. Zach Nunn (R-Iowa) said when asked about his plans, while Rep. Rob Bresnahan (R-Pa.) said, “I’m not sure yet.” Rep. Jeff Hurd (R-Colo.) isn’t planning to go, according to people granted anonymity to describe his decision. And Rep. Nick LaLota (R-N.Y.) said he instead plans to visit colleges with his daughter.

One notable exception? Mike Rogers, the uncharismatic pile of shit trying to beat Abdul El-Sayed in Michigan, will attend. Probably beats having to talk to Michigan voters and run the risk of them finding out how much he sucks.

Here’s some more quotes and summarizing from Politico about how no Republican with a shred of dignity wants to show up for this clownfucking failure-fest:

With Trump front and center at the convention, some Republicans are privately fretting about slipping presidential approval ratings in their districts amid the ongoing conflict in Iran, a trade war with Canada and rising prices from both. Other moves by the administration, such as a deal tackling beef imports to address affordability, have angered other key GOP constituencies.

One House Republican not attending the convention who was granted anonymity to speak candidly called the event “a waste of time” and said the planning has been “a mess.”

“You shouldn’t be having to rally your base at this point,” the member said. “You should be trying to convince independents. Independents are not attending nor watching the midterm convention.”

Are they not? Huh.

It’s fine, we’re sure after Loser Fest is over, Natalie can print out some AI slop pictures of his big special convention where 10 million people showed up and everybody worshiped him and said “Sir, sir!” and the baby will sleep soundly and peacefully forever and ever, at least until he wakes up with gas and a need to tweet at 4 a.m or whatever

monday: wut 

stupid got off to an astonishingly quick start this week, because what’s stupider than MAGA? 

trick question! the answer is nothing.

Jason Selvig of the Good Liars: “what’s Donald Trump’s greatest accomplishment in his first year and a half?”

cultist: ‘Trump’s done a lot of things. number one, a lot of people don’t realize, he got our country back — because we’ve been under the reign of Great Britain the last 125 years. they destroyed the evidence.’

Selvig: “what? wait, we’ve been under the reign of Great Britain?” 

cultist: “that’s why King Charles came here, he thought he was going to manipulate Donald Trump. and Trump went along with him, cause that’s who he is. but that’s what the 250 years was really about, was we got our country back.”

Selvig: “where did you see this?”

cultist: “you just gonna have to research, just like I did. it’s true.”

what the fuck did we all just listen to?

this woman had every opportunity in the world to give a perfectly normal MAGA-pilled answer. ‘he got rid of the illegals.’ ‘he stopped the transgender.’ ‘he made America great again.’

**but no, she couldn’t do that. she had to shit out her own one-person fever-swamp hallucination about *****125 years of secret British oppression. ***she’s that fucking out there where the buses don’t run.

where do they find these people?

I have a question: if Donny’s so amazing, how come he couldn’t end this British treachery during his first term?

let’s do this: let’s have some kind of commendation for this level of sheer crazypants. 

for her tale of how Donny outsmarted King Chuck, let’s award her the Presidential Medal of Dumbfuck — the same one Rush Limbaugh got from Dear Leader’s Slovenian rent-a-wife.

tuesday: food for thought 

okay, this one’s not a trick question: what do you get when the FDA fires most of its food inspectors?

answer: the Summer of the Human Shit-Geysers.

sure, cyclospora’s grabbed all the headlines, because who doesn’t love them some ass-spraying mayhem? but check out what else has been going on in These United States of Gastric Distress, just this week.

The USDA has issued a recall of frozen buffalo chicken products at the highest risk level, indicating a reasonable chance of “serious adverse health consequences or death” after the products were sold without federal inspection.

chicken. how do you fuck up chicken?

for that matter, how do you fuck up butter?

The FDA has upgraded a recall of pistachio butter to the highest risk level, indicating a reasonable chance of “serious adverse health consequences or death” from salmonella contamination.

oh, come on. what’s next, guacamole?

The FDA has upgraded a recall of guacamole to the highest risk level, indicating a reasonable chance of “serious adverse health consequences or death” from salmonella contamination.

please don’t tell me that even rice is being recalled. please, I don’t want to hear about— oh, fuck.

More Than 54,000 Pounds Of Jasmine Rice Have Been Recalled—What To Know

mind you — all these recalls are from one 48-hour period.

how about we all just stop eating between now and when the next president gets inaugurated on January 20, 2029? do you think we can manage to do that? because that seems to be the only way right now to avoid being poisoned by our own food supply.

all this shit is being processed, packaged, and foisted on an unsuspecting public, because there aren’t enough inspectors to go around. what the fuck? what’s going on?

Project 2025 is going on, that’s what. all this fuckery was planned out in advance and was put into place on purpose.

This is an unnecessary regulatory barrier that makes it difficult to get meat and poultry into interstate commerce to create more options for consumers and farmers.

fuck me. can we go back to being secretly run by Great Britain? 

at this point. I’d gladly trade sovereignty for a little intestinal peace and quiet.

. . .

friday: the further adventures of Some Fucking Idiot™

on Friday, some fucking idiot began his day by making infantile threats.

that’s a shitload of tough talk, coming from the same fucking idiot who just last week wedged himself and his diaper nurse into Catering Cart One, in order to hide in terror from the very same people he’s now threatening to single-handedly pew-pew-pew-pewto smithereens.

cool story, bro.

after that, the fucking idiot’s minders cleaned him up, freshened his diaper, and bundled him off to Houston, Texas, where he was scheduled to speechify at the Johnson Space Center.

did the diaper nurse travel with the fucking idiot, and grin at him like a lovesick stalker? do you even have to ask?

the fucking idiot must have thought he was at a campaign rally, because he immediately started bragging about his imaginary accomplishments. his boasts were met with complete silence from the emotional support astronauts that his handlers had posed behind him.

as the fucking idiot rambled incoherently, the astronauts just stood there, quiet as churchmice.

the fucking idiot took credit for inventing space. the astronauts were not impressed.

the fucking idiot whined about not have a crater named after him. still more silence from the astronauts.

the fucking idiot’s speech was so boring, that he even put himself to sleep — while standing up.

next, the fucking idiot called the astronauts on the International Space Station. tell me, has this demented old coot forgotten how to use a phone? it’s a legit question to ask, because the fucking idiot awkwardly held the thing about a foot away from his fat, waterlogged head as he blithered like a lunatic.

folks, the ‘fuck your feelings’ crowd is having a lot of feelings right now.

Milo Yiannopoulos, the fascist-adjacent grifter-slash-provocateur-slash-pedophilia-apologist, was detained by ICE on Thursday, and then swiftly deported back to his native Great Britain.

let me say, right up top: fuck ICE — and fuck Milo, too. there are no good guys in this story. Milo totally fucking sucks, and at the same time, masked federal goons should not be roaming our airports, looking for people to persecute. both things are true.

that said, let me give you my dispassionate take on Milo’s plight:

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

seriously, fuck that guy.

in case you need a little catching up, here’s the long-story-short of it. Milo Yiannopoulos, a British citizen, a MAGA grifter, and a complete piece of fascist shit, entered the US in May of 2019, to work as a sort of resident shit-kazoo for the far-right Breitbart News. he got summarily shitcanned for being a total embarrassment, after he opined that wanting to have sex with little boys was totes understandable. he overstayed his visa, blew off an immigration hearing last month, was detained by ICE on Thursday at Louis Armstrong New Orleans International Airport, and deported the very next day.

all caught up? good, because the other thing you need to know about Milo is that he clearly never though the leopards were going to eat his face.

California needs ICE checkpoints at supermarket entrances, gas stations, strip malls, intersections and government buildings, with on the spot deportation for anyone who can’t prove they are in the US legally.

**wait a minute, wait a minute — are you telling me that the fascist little shit who called for ICE checkpoints everywhere, with swift deportations for anyone found to be in the country illegally, **got nabbed at an ICE checkpoint and was swiftly deported after being found in the country illegally?

. . . oh, you know who else never thought the leopards would eat Milo’s face? the entire MAGAsphere, that’s who. pour one out for the cultists, they’re going through some things right now.

Milo Yiannopoulos is as spiritually American as it can get. I hope this misunderstanding is corrected!

we all know what Pizzagate Mike Cernovich really means when he calls Milo ‘spiritually American’ — he means Milo’s white, and what the fuck is ICE doing, deporting a white guy? that’s not the way it’s supposed to work! 

oh, and I hate to be the one to break it to Pizzagate Mike, but the deportation of Milo was no ‘misunderstanding.’ 

au contraire, mon frère — he was targeted. DHS was super fucking proud of their work. they made an example out of Milo, posting a mugshot of him looking very very very sadup onto Elon’s Nazi Bar and Child Porn Emporium.

look how sad Saddy McSadsad is — so sad.

so, all of this raises the question: why target Milo? he seems right up fascism’s alley, doesn’t he? well, the best answer I can give you is because reasons.

Milo had broken with the Donnyverse, and aligned himself with roasted-ball-sack aficionado Tucker Swanson McNear Carlson, who now totally fucking hates Dear Leader and is trying get him out of office. Milo also worked for a while as an unpaid intern for the now-unpersonned Marjorie Three-Toes Greene, who has also aligned herself with Roasted McBallsack. Three-Toes is not very happy with the treatment Milo’s gotten.

All laws must be enforced. So when is the admin going to obey the law and release all of the Epstein files? Or prosecute the pedos and rapists in the files? I guess you all are too busy with Milo after he criticized Israel killing kids in Gaza.

for fuck’s sake Marge, stop breaking our hearts.

look, I warned you that there were no good guys in this story.

and then there’s Laura Loomer.

Milo and Loopy Laura fucking hate each other. why? um, because reasons. it doesn’t matter why. what matters is that Loopy is taking credit for getting Milo deported.

LOOMERED 

Milo Yiannopoulos is in ICE custody after I exposed his illegal alien lifestyle.

holy shit! this is like, ‘what if the worst people in the world all turned on each other, and started started one big fucking clownfight?’

of course, this is exactly what’s going on. fascists always turn on each other, in an insatiable quest for power. 

the Nazis had their ‘Night of the Long Knives.’

In Germany, Nazi leader Adolf Hitler orders a bloody purge of his own political party, assassinating hundreds of Nazis whom he believed had the potential to become political enemies in the future. The event became known as the Night of the Long Knives.

it’s pretty weird how everything the Donnyverse does, the Nazis did first. what a crazy bunch of coincidences. 

anyway, Loopy Laura’s boast about getting Milo deported is actually kind of credible. she does have Dear Leader’s ear. 

remember, for a while back there in December 2024, Laura was a sort of Diaper Nurse 1.0, constantly by Donny’s side — except in Loomer’s case, his minders were successful in having her banished. 

so it’s totally conceivable that Laura Loomer pulled a few strings, and it was all buh-bye, Milo.

or, it’s entirely possible that Laura is just talking shit, for the millionth time in her attention-addicted life. I did warn you that everyone in this story totally fucking sucks.

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.blahaj.zone/post/47277661

ozone layer

In 2018, the tiny island nation of Samoa briefly paused MMR vaccines after two infants died after receiving the injections. However, it was soon discovered that the deaths were the result of two nurses accidentally mixing the vaccine with an expired muscle relaxant instead of water. The nurses were charged with manslaughter, the vaccines resumed, and the government got down to the business of encouraging people to get vaccines again. However, the next year there was a major measles outbreak, resulting in 5,697 illnesses and 83 deaths, mostly of children under the age of five. 

Something happened in between that time, and that thing was Robert F. Kennedy Jr. visiting the island. Now, during his confirmation hearing, Kennedy got pretty aggro when questioned about this, insisting angrily that his visit to the island had nothing at all to do with vaccines. Even when Sen. Ed Markey told him that he knew he’d met with an anti-vaccine influencer; that the Samoan director general of health had said he believed that Kennedy had fueled the outbreak, emboldened other anti-vaccine activists and scared parents out of getting their kids vaccinated; that the prime minister had confirmed that Kennedy had spoken with him about vaccines and told him that he believed that the deaths were caused by the vaccines themselves and not by the muscle relaxants; he still denied it. You know, because vaccines are so obviously more dangerous for babies than (checks notes) muscle relaxants. 

However, this week, letters obtained through a Freedom of Information Act request from The Guardian and the Associated Press reveal that he damn well was going down there for vaccine-related reasons. 

On Children’s Health Defense letterhead, he wrote:

I am writing this letter to you in the hope that we might be helpful to the people of your great nation.For most of the world, investigation of adverse health events associated with vaccines — or any pharmaceutical for that matter — is both difficult and time consuming. 

Health information systems are rarely designed to support rapid study of associations between diagnoses and specific vaccination events. It is, however, known that vaccines vary both lot-to-lot from specific manufacturers, and between manufacturers for a single vaccine type. This makes the likelihood of adverse lot and manufacturer specific effects higher for smaller nations where all vaccines can be from few or a single lot and manufacturer.

I believe the deaths associated recently with MMR vaccine in the Independent State of Samoa may have been manifestations these effects.

To be clear, again, they definitely were not. They were definitely caused by the muscle relaxants. 

To evaluate whether or not this has been experienced in Samoa, I would propose my team conduct detailed health informatics assessment in Samoa of what happened with your MMR vaccines. My team includes a physician who has performed informatics work for ministries of health in 48 countries over the past 10 years. He believes this work can be completed quickly.

Going forward, Samoa would be well served to expand capacity for quickly performing this class of analysis for all pharmaceuticals prescribed and dispensed. This is invaluable not only for investigation of severe adverse events, but also for the systematic improvement in management of chronic illnesses like essential hypertension and diabetes. It will also be fully consistent with the Samoa Health System Strengthening Program.

Again, they already know what happened. It is not a mystery. People went to prison for what happened. 

But Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is not interested in the 83 people who died in Samoa, just like he’s not interested in the two people who died in Pennsylvania. He doesn’t care how many people die from measles, period. He also, clearly, doesn’t care about lying to people or lying to Congress or lying, period. Unfortunately for him, other people do care that he lies and so does the law. 

“RFK’s platform is built on lies and grifts that leave a trail of dead children in their wake. There are consequences for lying to Congress,” Sen. Wyden wrote in a statement to The Guardian, adding, “When Democrats retake the majority in the Senate, RFK will be at the top of the list of Trump officials the finance committee will hold accountable for endangering American families.”

Good. 

While Kennedy was not under oath during his confirmation hearing, lying to Congress even while not under oath — though rarely prosecuted — is still a federal crime and can be punished by up to five years in prison.

Darline Graham Nordone is Lindsey Graham’s sister who is not dead. And look, we are about to be mean to her, but there is a reason that if your brain surgeon keels over before your operation, nobody says, “Well why don’t we see if the dead doc’s sister wants to give the scalpel a whirl?” Not that Lindsey Graham was a man of such great skill, but you get the point.

In a debate this week in the Republican special primary runoff, Darline Graham, who has been appointed to fill out her dead brother’s term and decided to keep on truckin’, really fucked the goat. It was awkward when she said there were “50 million people” in South Carolina, for one thing.

And then there was the extremely horrifying moment when moderator Greta Van Susteren (yeah, sure, why not) asked if Taiwan is an important national security interest of the United States and if so, why. Nordone (she calls herself “Graham” for pandering purposes) responded with some embarrassing meandering bullshit about how she don’t know nothin’ about no national security, but she sure does support the military.

It was horrific.

“Does the United States care about Taiwan” is a question for Senate hopefuls that comes somewhere between “state your name” and “please provide the customary stool sample on the way out.” We assume someone has been briefing her on what she’s supposed to care about (more on that in a second) so the idea that she hasn’t gotten at least a 30-second primer on “What is Taiwan?” is appalling.

And not that Lindsey Graham was any great foreign policy mind, or that his thoughts on the matter went deeper than his eternal Cialis boner to inflict pain and destruction and bombs on anybody that he perceived as looking at America funny, but foreign policy was nonetheless kind of his thing. Or at least he thought it was.

“I’m not a polished politician up here,” explained Nordone, about why she couldn’t even attempt to answer the question.

And the audience was appalled. You can hear them in the video above, gasping when she said, “I’m just gonna be honest here. I’m not on national security — I’m not — I’m not that informed on national security. So … but I do support the military.” And that audience should have been appalled. Charlotte Clymer explains why this was such a gimme question here.

Washington DC just hosted its first racing event. City officials didn’t lobby for it. DC residents didn’t ask for it. The Freedom 250 Grand Prix was organized in conjunction with Donald Trump’s White House, and there was nothing DC could do to stop it.

It wasn’t an America 250- or Freedom 250-sponsored event, according to the White House and Freedom 250. It just happened to share a name with Donald Trump’s shadowy LLC that’s siphoned a lot of money from America 250, the bipartisan group created by Congress to celebrate the US’s 250th anniversary. The White House won’t say how much the race costs, or if taxpayers have cover any part of the bill.

Officially, the race was the idea of IndyCar series owner Roger Penske, a fabulously wealthy GOP donor and Trump supporter the president gave the Presidential Medal of Freedom in 2019. The Penske Corporation says it paid for ”the vast majority” of the race, while DC will cover some repaving operations, the AP reports.

Apparently, Penske (the man, not the company) wanted a race in DC for years. Originally, the racetrack was to loop around Congress and the Supreme Court, something organizers thought would be a great scene. Unfortunately, Congress has a no advertising rule, and there weren’t enough congressmen willing to sign off. So organizers bitched to reality TV star and Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy to help find an alternate route. Trump quickly approved the new route by fiat, and money began flowing.

The only thing we know that taxpayers definitely have to cover is the massive security apparatus that had to be set up. Most of that comes from federal funds set aside for large events — like a UFC fight on the South Lawn of the White House, or a month-long fair, for example — but federal and city officials aren’t saying how much is left. Usually, it’s around $50 million, but it was increased to $90 million this year as part of the US’s semiquincentennial.

. . .

Freedom 250 Grand Prix race course and surrounding event area map provided by the city of Washington DC.

The race had military flyovers from the Air Force, Coast Guard and Marines, including various jets, helicopters, and B-2, B-1 and B-52 bombers. Trump’s prized possession, his personal Air Force One 747-800 Qatari bribe plane (which runs the call letters “FRDMM01” when he’s not aboard), flew over the track just as he finished his own victory lap in The Beast, the US president’s armored limo.

As the jets roared past, I wasn’t thinking about the sound of “freedom,” loving or hating jet noise, I wondered who was paying for the jet fuel after Trump dragged the US into yet another war in the Middle East.

Flyovers seen from outside the ticketed security bubble in Washington DC during the Freedom 250 Grand Prix. Aug. 23, 2026.

In March, there were reports of how F1’s new new hybrid engines, aerodynamics and rules left drivers righteously pissed. Drivers complained that operational regulations make an already complicated and difficult race more dangerous, increasing the chances of a crash.

Preservationists criticized the potential damage to historical artifacts, with some noting that the National Park Service didn’t ask anyone about the chance of damage to surrounding buildings. The National Gallery of Art had to conduct a study and take precautions in order to protect works of art, but Michelle Arcari Rose, a former associate general counsel at the National Trust for Historic Preservation, told the Washington Post earlier this month, “So whereas people think these grand prix races aren’t a problem, we certainly don’t know, right? It’s a huge risk to then unleash cars at 185 miles per hour in a place where we’ve never had cars really going more than 25 miles an hour.”

On social media, some complained about a lack of screens and enough concessions. WaPo reported that there was a spot on the Mall to buy food, and people inside the security zone had to navigate around the race course to find overpriced crabcakes and something resembling a hot dog. While some complained lack of water, Duffy went on Fox News to fluff the race, and claimed people could buy beer on the Mall for the first time, but that was a lie. People could buy beer and liquor at the UFC event at the White House. They could buy beer during Trump’s “Great American State Fair.” And 30 years ago, before Americans just accepted the tacti-cool security theater of a “post 9/11-world,” families would roll coolers full of beer onto the Mall.

On Reddit, several people posted photos of the saddest damn hot dogs. Eventually, some shops reportedly ran out of buns, and just gave people naked franks paper plates.

But I didn’t see any of that. F1 denied my press credentials. So it goes.

Reports claimed the event had about 150,000 people in attendance. Coincidentally that’s the same number of free tickets that were made available. Outside the gates, there were several thousand people hoping to catch even the faintest glimpse of something, but the layer upon layer of of security and fencing were so thick that there wasn’t much to see.\

When the race started, there was a small alley by Indiana Plaza, near the National Archives, that wasn’t completely blocked off. People had packed themselves in to the little space. They stood on their toes, craned their necks and balanced anxious children on their shoulders. Some stuck phones through the eight-foot security fence desperately hoping to snap a terrible, blurry photo or video of something wholly indecipherable.

Over at the corner of 7th and E Streets, there was a slope that overlooked turn five. With my telephoto lens I could barely capture the brake lights of the cars seven blocks away. There were a few hundred people attempting to do something similar with cellphone cameras.

Some clung to security fences, or stared at a livestream on their phones. Depending on where you stood, you could feel the airspeed wobbles in the pavement. The roar of the cars was deafening, even from a few blocks away.

It seemed like everywhere you turned there were miles of security fencing, federal agents, police and National Guard. Over off Constitution Avenue, I saw a father holding his son on his shoulders. The only thing I could see was a partially obscured sign that read “Freedom.”

the Daily Beast got a hold of a couple of letters that Natty wrote to Donny, and they’re every bit as cringe as you might imagine.

. . . the Natty Harp story has broken containment. it’s taken on a life of its own — that’s why Operation Distract From Natalie was launched. and because MAGA has the attention span of a flea and the object permanence of a newborn babe, it worked — on them.

I’m sorry, does MAGA actually believe that these two professional grifters have genuine feelings for each other? fact check— 

MAGA may fall for that load of horse shit, but it ain’t working on the rest of us. and because, as Jesus so wisely counseled us in his Sermon on the Mount, ‘blessed are the meme creators, for they shall win the internet,’ I give you today’s winners.

credit: Baxter Bean on not-twitter

credit: Mr. Fixx on not-twitter

on Friday, some fucking idiot’s day began at 6:45 in the morning, when he announced that he had ‘solved’ the problem of high beef prices by allowing the import of ground beef from … where?

‘where?’ is exactly what reporters wanted to know, when they caught up with the fucking idiot later that day — and the fucking idiot was all ‘that’s for me to know and for you to find out.’

oh, goody. enjoy your un-inspected ground-up mystery meat from god knows where, folks. what could possibly go wrong? 

the fucking idiot was on that tarmac because he was on his way to his one public event of the day: a campaign rally in South Carolina for Lindsey Graham’s woefully-unqualified sister Darline.

now, I know what you’re going to ask: ‘did the fucking idiot’s diaper nurse come along, in case he made an unscheduled boom-boom?’ yes, she did.

oh look — the fucking idiot managed to be on the wrong side of an issue that literally everybody hates: data centers.

enjoy your noisy, polluting eyesore in the middle of what used to be your quiet community, peons. the fucking idiot doesn’t care. he’s a gazillionaire. he can afford to live far away from it.

the fucking idiot was ostensibly campaigning for Darline Graham, but he barely mentioned her. instead, he rambled incoherently about— what in the actual fuck?

the fucking idiot was inventing his own words again. he’s like a modern-say Shakespeare!

now, of all the things in this world that have never happened, here’s the one thing that’s never happened the most.

“in fact, hospitals now are doing reverse surgery at my order. they’re doing reverse surgery. nobody ever heard about it.”

**what on earth? nobody ever heard of it, because the fucking idiot just made it up, on the spot. nobody is doing this. **no hospital is doing ‘reverse transgender surgery,’ because the fucking idiot ordered it. 

the fucking idiot is fucking insane. he’s completely broken with reality. he’s cuckoo for you know what.

the fucking idiot’s day ended the same way it started, with him typing like a maniac onto his crappy app. 

while normal people were winding down their day, the fucking idiot was working himself into a Ginormous Mad, all because tanned-ball-sack aficionado Tucker Swanson McNear Carlson, Thomas Massie and Lady Space Laser were being insufficiently loyal to him.

on Sunday, Georgia Democratic Senator Jon Ossoff delivered a barn-burner of a speech, in which he ripped Preznit Fuckwit several new ones, for being the incompetent imbecile who lied our country into an unwinnable war against Iran, and for being the callous toad who is ignoring the plight of the five thousand sailors trapped aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln.

but all that was lost on the MAGAverse, because there were three words toward the end of Ossoff’s speech that caused every Republican to immediately shit a massive, white-hot brick and explode into paroxysms of performative outrage.

“he wants to build his ballroom and travel with Natalie on their apparently defenseless flying palace gifted by the Emir of Qatar.”

that’s right, Jon Ossoff went there. he brought up the weird stalker-slash-diaper-nurse who is now Dear Leader’s constant companion.

once those three words — ‘travel with Natalie’ — escaped Ossoff’s lips, the entire Donnyverse clutched their pearls and collapsed onto their fainting couches.

oh my good, how dare Jon Ossoff say such a mean thing!

I’m looking straight at you, Tim Murtaugh.

oh dear, can someone get in here and see if they can revive Tim?

what on earth is Tim Murtaugh talking about? what ‘vulgar innuendo’? all Ossoff did was to accurately describe the situation. Diaper Nurse Natalie travels with Dear Leader. not a day goes by that the two of them aren’t photographed together. to point that out is not ‘innuendo.’

who even knew that Ari Fleischer was still a thing?

whoa, whoa, slow the fuck down there, Ari. show us on the doll where Ossoff accused Natalie of ‘behaving like that’.

like what?

it’s pretty weird how every Republican immediately interpreted ‘travel together’ to mean that Donny and Nattie are getting it on, isn’t it? this sounds like another one of those ‘every accusation is a confession’ things again, doesn’t it?

that’s because it is. Republicans have eyes. they can see what’s going on.

they know how bad this looks, President Pussygrabber swanning around with some blonde half his age, while his Slovenian green-card rent-a-wife is nowhere to be seen.

look, it’s not Jon Ossoff’s fault that Donny immediately falls for any woman who reminds him of the daughter he want to quote-unquote ‘date,’ if that’s what we’re charitably going to call it. this shit happens over and over. remember the Presidential Pants Steamer, Hope Hicks, who was right by his side throughout his first term?

Via:

THAT’S WAY TOO MUCH INFORMATION

“When you start eating healthy, you don’t need toilet paper,” he claimed. “Animals in the wild have no residual stool on their anus.” He described a proper bowel movement to me this way: odorless, wipe-free, over in three to seven seconds and “nearly orgasmic.”

what. the fuck. did we all just read.

that quote is indeed from Dr. Sean O’Mara, the bro who has been advising Donny’s sewer clowns on what foods they should be eating. apparently, according to O’Mara, if you have to wipe your ass, you’re pooping wrong.

I have the same question I always have: where do they find these people? every goddamned person in the Donnyverse is a crackpot lunatic. you can start at the top, with the ignorant moron who thinks magnets stop working when they get wet.

then there’s the gin-pickled embarrassment over in the Pentagon, who should be spending less time obsessing over the testosterone levels of his warfighting warfighters, and more time, y’know, counting missiles — because it’s very fucking hard to win a war when you don’t have any.

don’t even get me started on the bear-carcass-kidnapping measles enthusiast who keeps a chainsaw in the trunk of his car, just in case he runs across any whales who need their heads liberated from their bodies.

and now you can add to the mix some quack who literally thinks his shit don’t stink.

the performative screech-monkeys of the entire wingnut outrage-industrial complex are shitting themselves raw over the mere existence of Michigan Democratic Senate candidate Abdul El-Sayed, and I am so fucking here for how he’s kicking their tiresome asses in response.

El-Sayed is so good at this. listen to him tee off on that doughy pantload, Couchfuck McGee.

“is that Peter Thiel's boy, with that Ohio charisma he’s got? I think we’ve had enough of him. the last thing that he said that made any sense was Hillbilly Elegy — after he said that Donald Trump had no business being president of anything. that was the last time he made sense, and then he decided to suck up to power. but that’s exactly what this is about. you got Republicans who will do anything for power and money, including corrupt their office.”

as I’ve said before, Abdul El-Sayed sounds like one of us. he’s snarky as fuck. he does everything we’d want him to in that clip but refer to JD Vance as ‘that doughy pantload Couchfuck McGee.’

we’ve all seen the video of Abdul commenting on Dear Leader’s diaper-filling habits, but let’s play it again, because it’s oh-so-satisfyingly good.

Sky News reporter: “[Trump] says you’re full of shit.”

Abdul El-Sayed: “at least I don’t let mine go in the middle of the Oval Office.”

Abdul also wins at social media.

“I know it’s complicated for you, habibi. I’m happy to teach you how this works at our next debate…if you’re not too much a coward to debate me.”

‘habibi,’ by the way, is the Arabic word for ‘my beloved’ — and El-Sayed is employing it sarcastically, in the same way southerners say ‘bless your heart.’

but he’s not just a snark factory. he’s thoughtful. listen to him explain how the dumbfuck exercise videos farted out by Piss-Drunk Pete and Bobby Brainworms are just a hollow version of masculinity.

“you asked me about like Pete Hegseth and RFK, that, like, they’re trying to speak to this particular group of people, and it ends up trying to like, again, just create one more performance that is like, the way to be a masculine person. and you know, as we’ve thought about it on the campaign, [lifting weights] is something that I’ve always done — but a lot of what I’m trying to do is be like hey, look, being a man is not about how you show up at the gym. it’s like how you show up for your family. it’s about how you show up in your community.”

El-Sayed gets it. you show up — for your family, for your community, and for your country. do you think Piss-Drunk Pete or Brainworms have ever shown up for anyone but themselves? of fucking course they haven’t.

as always, the moral rot starts at the top. Dear Leader loves only three things in this world: money, power, and his own porcine self — and not necessarily in that order. he’s the fucking president, and not once has he ever put his country ahead of his own greedy self-interest.

Cue Donald Trump screaming about prosecuting leakers again, we reckon, because the Washington Post dropped a whoa bombshell story about a recent time when Donald Trump lied to the world, for a reason that almost approaches normal.

Remember when Trump pulled that switcheroo in Turkey and suddenly “decided” not to come home on his gabillion dollar bribe plane from the Qataris, since it isn’t outfitted with the security required to carry an American president, even though it is very beautiful and bejeweled and was a bribe? Remember how he lied about that at the time, some dumb shit excuse for why there was going to be a switcheroo, because they suddenly needed to send the bribe plane to the UK so everybody could “ooh” and “aah” at it? Remember how he lied and said he was taking the old stinky Air Force One that he hates, “for old time’s sake”?

Also keep this in context of how the Trump regime has already been on a witch hunt for leakers regarding the security failures of his bribe plane.

Well, get ready to stack lies upon lies upon lies, because every single bit of that was a lie, and Donald Trump rode home in a secret Air Force plane after they snuck him off the big old Air Force One plane in a catering truck, because of fears Iran was going to try to assassinate him.

He’s always scared Iran is going to assassinate him, it makes him poop his pants.

Mommy, why is the catering truck shaking to-and-fro and making squelchy anus sounds? Oh that’s just the president, darling.

Here’s how it went:

In Ankara, Trump boarded the old Air Force One jumbo jet in view of television cameras. He was secretly shuttled minutes later to a smaller plane — an Air Force C-32A — via an airport catering truck typically used to load meals and other supplies preflight, according to the U.S. official and corroborating material reviewed by The Post. That made Air Force One a “decoy” with media and some White House staff aboard, the official said.

The old Air Force One with the journalists aboard? Bait. They didn’t know Trump had been wheeled out of there, and they didn’t know how much danger they were in, according to the assessments of Trump’s security team. He was willing to let Iran murder them.

Invite him to the White House Correspondents’ Dinner again, you bootlicking hacks.

Obviously we are imagining a scene out of a cartoon, because we cannot imagine for one second that Donald Trump was able to behave or play it cool during this experience. We imagine he was scared of being inside the secret truck that took him to the secret plane. We imagine he left puddles inside it.

(They elevated the bed of the catering truck, so he could just waddle directly onto it from the other side of the plane, lest you get some kind of James Bond ideas about how this went down.)

And now, because everybody respects him so much, it’s in the Washington Post a month later.

Anyway, there was much more to the subterfuge, the Washington Post has the tick-tock and even some video that caught parts of the switcheroo. They even managed to get him back on the “correct” plane after landing in Britain, so that he could deplane from it and everybody would still be fooled.

Videos show the legacy Air Force One, after landing, coming to a stop in a place where the C-32A had briefly been parked. The hobbyist videos on YouTube do not show Trump exiting the C-32A or entering the legacy Air Force One, as the stairway entries faced away from the plane spotters’ cameras.

It’s not clear how Trump moved from the C-32A to the legacy Air Force One after landing, but he appeared before television cameras and descended external stairs from the legacy Air Force One about 10:56 p.m., according to a media pool report.

After that, he flew back to DC on the Qatari bribe plane.

On one hand this is exactly what we would expect in the face of true and serious threats upon the life of a sitting United States president. WaPo even describes a couple times when things similar to this have happened, albeit without fully lying to the public forever about the president’s whereabouts the way the Trump White House did:

To transport the president out of Turkey, U.S. officials relied in part on a technique that has occasionally become public knowledge. One such mission occurred in March 2000, when President Bill Clinton visited Pakistan. With television cameras recording in Islamabad, Clinton disembarked from a plain white jet that followed the blue-and-white Air Force One, clarifying where he had been.

There have been other times in the last 30 years when Air Force One served as a decoy for the president because of a serious threat or because he was flying to a dangerous location, another U.S. official said, declining to elaborate. The legacy jet is highly secure, but also highly visible, so putting the president on an alternate plane instead can be considered safer, that former official said.

Again, in a way this feels normal, like well, if the life of the US president is under threat, they’re gonna do some trickery to keep him safe.

On the other hand, Trump doesn’t deserve the respect of the office he holds, so it is fine to make jokes about him pooping in the beverage cart in the bed of the catering truck.

Also, he is a coward who’s scared of everything, who’s building a bunker so he can hide from the fruits of his own late-stage emperor syphilis brain destruction of the world, so that is some context.

Also, Trump is currently declaring that we’ve got Iran right where we want ‘em! That we are “low-keying” it with them, letting them run out of money while we don’t attack them, you betcha! Meanwhile Iran is explaining that it’s gonna just wait to negotiate with the US until there’s somebody in office who isn’t totally braindead, let’s pencil it in for 2029 or so.

Iran’s conditions remain unchanged, including $300 billion in compensation, the release of frozen assets and the withdrawal of US forces. Tehran has also linked the reopening of the Strait of Hormuz to the acceptance of its demands.

Trump keeps lying and saying the strait is open, but, you know, it’s not. (Persian Gulf neighbors are increasingly worried Iran’s control of the strait is now permanent, thanks to the inconceivable stupidity of Donald Trump and Pete Hegseth.)

Quick, roll the president’s giant meat body into a catering cart and dump him in a secret plane so nobody can find him!

Dear Leader has made America into a much coarser place — but at least we can still mock the shit out of him for that ludicrous tangle of cotton-candy bullshit that sits atop his fat, waterlogged head.

or can we?

it’s become a legit question to ask — because yesterday, at an Emotional Support Rally in Las Vegas, Donny showed up rocking a thick head of hair that’s definitely not his own.

just one day earlier, on Fox News, Dear Leader’s hair was a nebulous mass of what the fuck even is that? now, it’s almost normal.

what’s going on up there?

Donny must have seen that video from the other day, where his six remaining strands of hair were trying desperately to escape.

he must have shat out a massive brick, and directed the diaper nurse to go fetch him the business end of a piss-mop, with which to cover that shit up.

. . . anyway, it’s the most questionable thing a member of the Donnyverse has done with their head since Nosferatu McGoebbels spray painted his bald spot.

Donny may have been sporting a new head of hair, but what seeped out of his rancid anus-mouth was the same old fucktangle of gibberish.

“let’s put everything into one— that’s how we call it. it’s actually called the one big, but I call it— THE GREAT BIG, ’cause I like that term better. I named it the one big and then I said why didn’t I call it the great big. I use it all the time.”

whatever you say, Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants.

. . . Donny once again trotted out his brilliant plan to abolish health insurance and replace it with … health insurance.

“we will pass the Great Health Care Plan. it’s called the Great Health Care Plan.. to stop all payments to big insurance companies and give the money directly to the people. they give billions and billions of dollars, because the big health insurance companies and insurance companies, they’re totally controlled by the Democrats. we want to give the money not to the insurance companies, but to the people, and you go out and you buy your own healthcare, and you have money left over. better healthcare and money left over.”

what on earth? how is that even—

what a great idea it was, to put the guy who bankrupted five casinos in charge of ‘fixing’ America’s system of healthcare.

Donny has no idea how health insurance works, or even what healthcare costs, does he? how does one ‘buy their own healthcare,’ if not via an insurance company? what, are we supposed to deal directly with hospitals, and that’s going to somehow magically cost less than insurance? that’s fucking insane.

after the rally, Donny showed up on Fox News, wearing the same old stupid wig, and spouting the same old bullshit lies.

yesterday, Preznit Fuckwit, surrounded by some emotional support humans, sat down behind his Big Boy Resolute Desk so he could sign his latest nonsensical and probably unconstitutional executive order about something something military spouses something — it doesn’t really matter all that much what it was, because the press didn’t want to talk about any of that shit. what they really wanted was Donny’s thoughts on America’s tipsiest US Attorney having dropped the indictment of David Hearn for Grand Theft Paint Chips.

Donny’s reaction wasn’t very pretty.

Donny: “frankly, I think she choked. because the judge was really vicious. instead of going after the people that did it, the judge went after her, and went after her department. and I guess she choked. I don’t know what the hell happened.”

reporter: “are you reconsidering her role?”

Donny: “you don’t— you’re fake news. don’t ever talk again. you’re fake news, one of the worst in the business. fortunately, nobody watches you.”

oh, do kindly shut the fuck up, you obstreperous child.

once again, Donny shows us that he has a toddler’s understanding of how the world works. in what remains of his rotting little brain, he’s concluded that the judge is being so unfair, going after the DOJ instead of the miscreants.

that not how it works. that’s not how any of this works.

no, Jeanine Pirro didn’t ‘choke.’ what she did, for once in her wine-soaked life, was to actually respect the legal process, instead of trying to make headlines.

it was a flawed case. there was no evidence. the Department of the Interior lied to Pirro, and withheld documents that showed it was Donny’s own crony contractor who fucked that shit up, not some imaginary vandal.

but don’t try to explain any of that to Donny. the stupid shit has actually convinced himself that evidence abounds.

“now, we have photographs— or tapes— like moving cameras, right? we have ’em— where people are on the side, cutting it with a box knife.”

what the fuck is Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants blithering about? there are no tapes. the Park Department has released one 46-second video of someone sticking their hand into the water.

that’s it. that’s their ‘proof.’

. . . as Donny’s cognitive collapse increases, he’s losing his words. in that clip, he can’t come up with the word ‘video’ — what seeps out of his anus-mouth instead is ‘moving cameras.’ Donny even makes a circular motion with his freakishly undersized index finger, miming — what, film in a projector?

Donny’s brain is liquifying right before our very eyes — but tell me again how Sleepy Joe Brandon was too old and icky to be president. that’s such a cool story.

my god, what a colicky little piss-baby. imagine being the diaper nurse, or the undead advisor, or the lying press secretary, and having to endure an entire weekend of Donny shitting himself raw while whining about how unfair and mean everyone always is to him.

they all look so happy, don’t they? what a life-affirming experience it must be, to have a job in the Donnyverse.

but the one thing that we always need to keep in mind is that none of this is normal.

a spite-fueled chief executive with a vendetta, directing his entire government to go after someone he imagines must be guilty of something isn’t how functioning democracies work. it’s how tin-horn fascist dictatorships work. it’s how megalomaniacal dumbfucks who believes themselves to be some kind of king works.

it’s some off with his head level bullshit.

traditionally in this country, there has been a separation between a president and their Department of Justice, so there’s no appearance of impropriety.

I know that we all wished that Joe Biden would have called up Merrick Garland and screamed at him to hurry the fuck up with the prosecution of Donny — but Joe was right not to do it, because presidents aren’t supposed get up in that shit.

it’s an abuse of power.

they’re also not supposed to go on live TV and whine about how their hand-picked attorney folded like an umbrella.

. . . and presidents sure as fuck aren’t supposed to summon a US Attorney to the Oval Bordello so he can personally whip a ketchup bottle at their head — which is exactly what Donny did yesterday afternoon.

President Trump met with Jeanine Pirro, the U.S. attorney in Washington, and Doug Burgum, the interior secretary whose department oversees the Reflecting Pool, in the Oval Office this afternoon, according to two people familiar with the meeting.

seriously, what the fuck?

as for Attorney Boxwine, shed not a tear for her, should she end up on the Great Shitpile of Discarded Flunkies. she did it to herself.

she’s merely the most recent member of the Donnyverse to show up all full of piss and vinegar, somehow imagining that working for an erratic narcissist with no impulse control is going be an amazing experience, only to be flushed down the shitter the second she displeases Dear Leader.

at the end of the day, Attorney Boxwine has poured gasoline all over her career and set it on fire. where does she go next? who’s going to hire her? Fox News? I doubt it.

anyway, who gives a shit, really? she fucking sucks.

enjoy your one-way ticket to nowheresville, Jeanine. you earned it.

folks, I just got off the phone with Mitch McConnell. we had a nice twenty-minute chat about Preznit Fuckwit’s behavior at Lindsey Graham’s funeral.

‘who the fuck acts like that,’ he wanted to know.

“virtually everyone, Republican or Democrat, liked— LINDSEY. well, not everybody. but it sounds good. not everybody. HEH HEH. I have to be honest. I have to veer from this for a second.”

I had to agree with Mitch — who acts like that?

are you telling me that after a lifetime of lying about every fucking thing, this is the moment that Donny chooses to be honest, and point out that not everyone liked Lindsey — at his funeral?

and what’s with the inappropriate laugh?

Lindsey Graham pretty much sold his soul to become Dear Leader’s bestie. he humiliated himself, and burrowed straight up Donny’s ass — and in return, Donny can’t even be bothered to put any effort at all into delivering a heartfelt and respectful eulogy. 

dude, this is not the time for veering into brutal honesty. just read the words that someone wrote for you.

on second thought, maybe not every word.

“…with a gleam in his eye after being lectured on the excruciating details of PATENT LAW by a fellow— SENATOR during— a FLIGHT, Lindsey declared that he had discovered a new form of— enhanced interrogation and torture for the— Guantanamo Bay area, he said, ‘this is really bad stuff and BORING’”

who wrote this shit for Donny? who thought it was appropriate to tell a Gitmo torture joke at a funeral? comedy gold! 

here’s the real torture: listening to Donny — with his weird halting cadences and his second-grade-level reading comprehension — struggle to make his way through the words he was too lazy to review ahead of time.

and then, when he was finished delivering his eulogy, Donny knocked on Lindsey’s coffin. hello, hello — is anyone home?

is that a thing? who does that?

what do you think Donny was saying, as he was rappy-tappy-tapping? ‘hey, Lindsey, did you know that Stephen Miller sleeps in one of these?’

but wait — it gets dumbfuckier.

after Donny sat back down, he pulled a packet of Tic Tacs out of his pocket and showed them to Couchfuck McGee.

Donny then tried, failed, and finally succeeded in putting a Tic Tac into his mouth.

now, we all know why Donny always has breath mints at the ready. remember what Sexual Assault Jesus so wisely counseled us in his Sermon on the Access Hollywood Tape:

I better use some Tic Tacs just in case I start kissing her. You know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful—I just start kissing them. It's like a magnet. Just kiss. I don't even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab ’em by the pussy. You can do anything.

so, who inside the church was Donny so super-horny to kiss that he needed pull out the Tic Tacs, pronto? was it his stalker-slash-diaper-nurse? eww.

speaking of which, isn’t it great that the presidential diaper bag and the nuclear football travel side by side? you know, just in case Donny has his own little thermonuclear event in his pants.

I’ve never been more proud to be an American. we’re number one!

but I know there’s one thing you’ve been dying to ask me this whole time: ‘Uncle Jeff! Uncle Jeff! did everyone’s favorite narcoleptic old fart factory close his weary eyes and fill the church with the pungent aroma of ass music?’

you fucking well better believe he did! the Nodfather was out like a light.

and the poor homey sitting right behind Don Snoreleone can’t believe he just got presidentially crop dusted.

can we get this guy a Purple Heart or something? 

so, for those of you keeping score at home, Donny is now two-for-two in Falling The Fuck Asleep At Funerals. he’s batting a thousand, after having sawn logs at Pope Francis’ funeral a little over a year ago.

at least yesterday, Donny managed to keep his mouth closed and not drool all over himself.