What does it mean when your gf says she doesn't want to be intimate, but then becomes intimate, and then afterwards reverts back to saying that it was a bad idea.
So I [M30] recently got out of a relationship [with F27]. You can check my post about it on my profile.
Here though, I want to focus on my mistakes with intimacy in particular. I want to understand how one should've acted in these moments.
When we were together, we engaged intimately. To me it felt genuine and healthy as well. Although at first I wasn't good at communicating, we talked and tried finding a balance.
To give a little context, I haven't had a lot of relationships, and I don't do hook-ups or stuff. So I think of myself as not very experienced when it comes to sexual intimacy. Growing up, I didn't have sex ed. And our cultures might've been different enough to have different unspoken rules that we needed to communicate more often. It was only in this relationship that I found out that I have this habit of waking in the middle of the night and waking her up (disturbing her sleep) and engaging in intimate activities. You can see the cracks in the relationship by this point.
Furthermore, she said her needs were not met. She said she felt as if she couldn't communicate anything during our sessions due to her bad past experiences with harassment.
Later on, we got a second bed to be able to sleep separately. I thought that'd be a good solution. And it worked for the time being. However, I noticed that she started to initiate more often, and asked to be intimate, to which I reciprocated positively whenever it felt comfortable. During these sessions, I tried to be as engaging as possible, asking if she's ok with every step, she responded as well. It felt genuine (but I guess it was only me). But even after this, she told me a couple days later that she regretted it. And I didn't know how to proceed from there.
To me it felt like every step I took was wrong. Regardless of whether she initiated or I initiated (something that I did less of after knowing about her experiences and her not wanting intimacy, etc), it always ended up in her feeling guilty.
English is my second language, and as I am learning another new language, I am noticing that my English is getting even worse. So please just don't mind too much on my lack of vocabulary when it comes to describing sexual activities in a not so explicit manner, like "sessions".
5 replies
I don't think you did anything wrong, seeing as she initiated it. Sounds like she had some trauma that's causing her to regret it. Sometimes it just doesn't work out.
It's unclear what the roadblocks for communication were from your description.
She sounds like she felt unsafe to communicate her needs. So take her at her words. If she says it's because of her experiences then accept that.
When i had a relationship with some similarities i worked on myself after. Looking back, I found that i had been contributing the problem.
You could use this as an opportunity to work on developing your own communication skills. Specifically building trust, creating safe space, and being vulnerable/emotionally available. I'm not suggesting that you're bad at that, but it's a common weakness for men in western cultures.
I would suggest talking with friends who are women about it. A good option is to discuss it with a therapist. Therapy is good for learning skills too, not just overcoming emotional difficulty, but it isn't always easy to afford, nor is it easy to find the right therapist.
Maybe she couldn't be helped in that situation, but maybe after working on yourself you'll find some different things you can do next time to build a stronger connection.
Or... his partner is on her way to figuring out she is Ace, complicated by some vestigial traces of her libido.
It sounds like your partner had some unhealed sexual trauma, and it interfered with her capacity to enjoy and communicate about sex in the moment. Maybe there was some religious shame baggage as well. I didn't see if you mentioned her age; if she was also not very experiencd and this was her first cohabitation with a sex partner, then she was still figuring things out as you went along together.
She's 27, I mentioned it in the other post that I referenced. But Yes, I should've clarified it for those who won't see the other post.