"Do better, instead of saying that you already are."
This is a post I made on my personal Fedi profile a while back and I thought it would be appreciated here. Because it occurs very frequently here too and it's something that any women expressing her experience with men on the internet has to deal with.
Here is the full text of the post, should you not want to visit the link:
CONTENT NOTICE: talking about cisgender men on fedi (and the internet as a whole)
This is gonna sound like a call out post, and... No, it really isn't. I'm not calling out anyone in particular. I've just seen it one too many times. The straw, the camel's back, yadiyada.
My cis dudes. I love you. I really do. But I'm tired of you going under women's post expressing their grievances about men, to explain how ashamed you are of other men. It's... It's tiring. Like, it's really fucking tiring. Because you don't realize that every time we make such a post there is at least one or two of you. Every time.
We don't care about you being not like the other guys. Yes, sure, are one of the good ones, whatever. Good boy and all that. But when you do this, not only do you not contribute anything to the discussion, you're actually adding to the problem. It's adding emotional labour to the women trying to explain themselves when really you should just stay quiet and listen.
Give a like. Boost the post, even. But you don't need to say anything, not to us. Call out other men in the responses that are probably trying to argue and ending up exactly proving her point. Do better, instead of saying that you already are.
18 replies
The first thing I do when I log in to piefed is check the reports. Most days we get hostile, whiny or outright aggressive comments from men and they're pretty much ALWAYS on feminist posts. Fashion? Tumbleweed. Random question? Tumbleweed. Feminist? FROTH FROTH RAGE MOAN. It's boring.
I don't mind supportive comments. Generally it's a man who commented cos they didn't realise and leave when they're told. They don't deserve hostility for that. Sadly some don't willingly leave or they turn when they're asked to.
I often get lovely DMs from supportive men saying how much they support us. It's really kind of them. They must be MORTIFIED seeing what happens here
It’s always telling that those comments don’t pop up on posts in here like Monday Motivations or sex toy or fashion conversations.
Pretty much as soon as a man makes those comments to me about being a “good one”, I know they’re not any better. Because it’s clear they haven’t worked through their own shit and have to lean on women to be reassured they’re not as bad as the others.
Anyway, hope you have a great start to your week, purplerabbit! And may the comments you see be supportive and informational :)
Hey friend this is a really interesting post! I need you to remove the bit saying it's a women only community. In the past we've been attacked more when we've highlighted that
Done. I get it. But I hate it. I hate that what made me add it in the first place is also the same thing that is making me remove it. But misogyny isn't a thing, folx! Don't you worry! Everyone get shit on the internet, gender has nothing to do with it!
Yep! And we had to move from lazysocial cos we were getting attacked so much. Imagine a black community having to move cos of racist comments... everyone would be outraged. But when it's our gender it's dismissed
That happens all the time though. Pretty sure that Blacksky, as an alternative to Bluesky happened for that very reason. :/
I don't want to make a scene but I've been thinking about this and it bothers me quite a lot, so I want to go into more details.
I find the comparison "distasteful". Because if this happened to a black community, the truth is, there would probably be a lot of silence. The internet and especially the Fediverse has been a very difficult place for people who aren't white to peacefully exist in, I've often seen people of colors on my timeline saying: "Fuck it, I'm out". These communities get bullied out before they even have time to group up like we're trying here.
In general, I think that comparing the oppression of groups to one another in such a way is something that should be avoided.
I wanted to say this but you already did so thanks.
I'd like to let you know that, personally, I would never tell you that I'm one of the good ones. Can I have my good boy sticker now so everyone knows?
Seriously tho, it's not that hard to just recognize there's space for other people to be mad at their life experience and that, unless you are the literal person in the story, it's not about you and you can just move on. I know, I've done it (so can I have my good girl sticker now?).
Good girl!~🩷
Thanks, I can tell from your post that you are also a good girl. Us good girls gotta stick together!
I aspire to be. :bunhdheart:
That was well said, especially the part about emotional labour.
Makes me think of a time that me and a few other women were talking to each other at a tech conference, and kept getting interrupted by men who came over to tell us how lovely it was to see women in tech.
I wish we had "good boy" stickers to pass out and send them on their way.
IDK man I feel like there's more deserving shit to be upset about.
You probably don't know this about me, so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. But please don't call a trans woman "man". Even if it's a generic way of speaking. Please. :)
Anyway. There is a lot of more deserving shit to be upset about. But I picked this because it happens all the time and it annoys the hell out of me. I'm upset about plenty of things, some very important, some downright petty, and a whole lot in between. I chose to share this old post of mine because, I find it worth expressing.
But rest assured that, as I said, I am upset about plenty. I exist outside of these posts. I multitask and all that. :)
I'm so sorry I didn't realize you were trans, you're a woman just like me
Everyone’s got their own journey in discovering feminism. It can be absolutely enraging to take notice of some of the small and big ways that sexism seeps into every facet of our lives.
It’s a vent post, that’s all.
Excellent point