So, I need to see a psychiatrist and I'm quite young. Therefore, I can't say for sure that I 100% have BPD. However, I suspect it. Other people say I "act like" I have it. The closest people to me who understand me and aren't driven away are also suspecting themselves to have BPD or have it.

I've always been super intense, though. And I'm very calm and stable around people I'm not attached to, by the way. If I wasn't attached to you, you'd never suspect me of having that disorder.

However, it's a whole different story when I AM attached. You'll see a completely different side of me. I'm working on it, but I feel the need to talk all the time and be around you like a drug. If it gets too intense, I'll feel upset that I'm NOT you or not fused with you in the same body. Yes, I know I need help, but I'm just sharing my experiences and seeing if anyone can relate or provide insight.

My friend with medically recognized BPD says it sounded a lot like him, especially when he first started noticing the symptoms.

He told me to look at the DSM, but I won't self-diagnose obviously and say I 100% have BPD because "Dr. Reddit" told me.

"Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment (Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behaviour covered in Criterion 5)" - Yes. I have abandonment issues and am obsession-prone.

A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterised by alternating between extremes of idealisation and devaluation - I'd say so. I can switch between, of course, wanting to be part of you, but it stresses me out so much that I also find reasons to think you're a mean person who hates me or others.

Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self - Yes. I always had a "fragmented"/"fluid" sense of self.

Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g. spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating) (Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behaviour covered in Criterion 5) - I don't think so.

Recurrent suicidal behaviour, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behaviour - Suicidal ideation. I used to guilt trip others or post how I was gonna do something bad to myself.

Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g. intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days) - Probably.

Chronic feelings of emptiness - Not sure because sometimes I'm not good at finding myself.

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g. frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights) - Used to have anger out bursts but the medication seems to make it better.

Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms" - Dissociation, yes. (Depersonalization or whatever)

Anyway, I get into "parasocial" relationships sometimes or have intense feelings (non-romantic or sexual) for people online. I know it sounds creepy, I'm not trying to be. I'll see anyone who shows a bit of kindness to me as my best friend and want to share everything with them. If they tell me to not text them so much, like yesterday, I see it as a rejection and try to avoid feeling guilty about it by being like "Oh, it's just her loss".

This is because the extreme guilt will damage my self-worth and I won't be able to live with myself.

I'm a bad person, I know. FML.

Do NOT come here to criticize me or call me a bad person, I'm just sharing my experiences and seeing who can relate.