I am looking for advice.
Hi there, I hope its okay I post here, Im in some dire need of advice. My therapist is legit out of the country for the next week, and I dont know.
So, Ive got a partner. We're in a straight relationship for 6.5 years now. I think my partner is ace, well, specifically I saw the term greysexual about a week ago and I cannot get it out of my head.
Im going to be really truthful here, Ill try and stay vauge but thats hard for me.
When My partner and I first got together he was sober about 6mos, we were still in our late 20s and I had no idea what it meant for him to be sober. We had been together about a month and were just making out on my couch at my place. I signaled to go to my room, and he stopped me, "I cant". I respected that and we just hung out a bit more and he went home, I chalked it up to anxiety, actually blamed myself for idk not being able to make him comfortable. Anyway, two weeks later, he, well, started having beers and we made love the first time after he had a couple beers.
the next two years we were really sexually active, but his drinking just got worse to the point of a problem. I left him for a almost a year while he got his shit together. He did all the right things and Im super proud of him. He has now 4.5 years sober. Really awesome, this man is the love of my life and best friend.
The first few years of his sobriety, sex slowed down.. nearly to a halt. Like, 2-3 times a year halt. Compliments and attention dropped too, He called me beautiful all of once since getting sober. I figued this was due to his new sobriety and all the meds he was on and figuring out his mental health. I was patient, supportive and didnt complain. I really missed being desired but put my needs/wants cuz I guess its more a want, on the back burner. Some time in year three I did bring up the lack of intamacy, and tried to, as nicely as I could, ask if he knew what asexuality was.
to mention, and I dont remember the timeline, but one time I was hitting on him and he told me I was "being rapey". I backed off immediately, and apologized as that certainly wasnt my intention. I was just generally hitting on him, I didnt even touch him, I just like, complimented his uh, junk.. but I backed off. Another time he said to me verbatiem he found all genitals disgusting.
so back to me asking him about asexuality, he got SO angry at me for suggesting it. Like so mad, he slept with me that night. But we went right back to our old ways, and never talked about it again. He has a diagnosis for anxiety disorder and I will say, it can get pretty hard for both him and me at times. I also think hes a bit more nerodivergent then we thought. But, saying this will upset him.
So now, finding the term greysexual, I.. its been the longest dry spell of my life and I just .. I wish he could at least explore the idea so I could just simply learn to cope. I will never leave him, I love him, he's so good to me. I'll take a dead bedroom to stay with my best friend, but... it really bothers me he wont explore the idea at all. Id like to name it, Id like him to explore the idea. I thought maybe it was anxiety related, but since finding that term..
yall, this man thinks something wrong with him. I thought for a time it was me.. but now I dont go down this road because I know it is not. It breaks my heart he thinks this is a flaw, and idk, maybe of he could explore the idea he wouldnt feel so.. broken? Hes not broken, he is just a human. I do get moody sometimes about it and I try to cope and not let the feeling fester, but I know he knows.
We spoke last on it about a month ago, he caught me in a mood and asked "yo whats your problem rn, you look like somethings bothering you, you good?" and I snapped. I said, "yeah I havnt had sex in six month fucking forgive me" and stormed out to my own space.
we talked a little after, he said he recognized the "problem" and that . ugh.. and that hes brought it up to his doctor but his doctor waives it off. He said he just doesnt feel the attraction at all if ever. Once in a while but its not somethinh he thinks about.
folks, I dont think its a medical issue.
I guess my main questions are, how should I approach this? should I try and gently push him looking into what greysexual/asexual is? Should I continue to just, assume he is greysexual and cope with it outside of our like, shared supports? It would be much easier on me.. (for just context I am hypersexual and always have been, it literally, in my wost moments, feels like ive been cosmically punished.. but thats just my worst moments, and I quickly move on).. but if he could just be like, yes, I fit into this umbrella, It would be so much easier for us to cope together. But as it stands I just feel ugly and terrible, and he feels broken, despite me saying hes not, and him saying im not ugly or terrible.
Idk, im pretty beaten up this week about this, and I appreciate any feedback or resources. I just want him to feel supported. Id like to feel supported and not like a monster for wanted sex. he does sometimes make me feel like I am a creep, so Ive stopped initiating all together.
I just, after 4.5 years I dont think its a dry spell, I dont think its anxiety, I think he already said it "I just dont think about it often, if at all". And, I just want him to feel supported and not broken. This feels like denile. :(
There’s lots of great comments here, especially pointing out that the “problem” may lie with his anxiety/neurodivergency more than specifically whether or not he’s on the ace spectrum. There’s just a couple things I want to add, just in case you haven’t thought about it before. Obligatory, I’m not a doctor or relationship expert, I’m just an idiot on the internet giving my two cents based on one post about your relationship. You guys know yourselves best
Regardless of whether or not he’s ace, making you feel like a creep for wanting sex is a communication issue. He should not be making you feel like that. Think about it like this. You would never call him broken for not wanting sex right? You don’t think he’s messed up, you’re just trying to understand him right? You don’t want him to feel bad for how he is. But he is making you feel bad for wanting sex, which is perfectly normal and okay thing to want from a romantic partner. If you were demanding sex it would obviously be a problem, but there’s a difference between communicating boundaries and making you feel like shit. He’s well within his rights to say “hey, sex makes me uncomfortable and I want a non sexual romantic relationship with you. Please do not try to initiate sex or talk about sexual topics.” But making you feel like a creep is kinda shitty. If it makes him uncomfortable then he needs to talk to you and you guys need to establish clear boundaries. If he avoids those conversations then he’s forcing you to guess where his boundaries are. That’s not good for either of you
It sounds like you want him to think about if he’s ace/greysexual bc you’re looking for an answer for what’s going on bc you feel like it’s your fault. Like you’re not making yourself attractive or desirable enough for him. Ace/greysexual are just labels that help us describe how things are. So rather than focusing on the label (since he doesn’t seem eager to explore labels for himself) just focus on what he’s described. He said he doesn’t like genitals and rarely thinks of sex, which sounds pretty similar to someone on the ace spectrum that’s sex averse. So if its easier for you to think of him as on the ace spectrum for your perspective of feeling undesirable the I think it’s okay to do that. Obviously don’t try to assign him the label by calling him ace if he’s not comfortable with that, but if in your brain when you feel undesirable, you remind yourself “he just doesn’t/rarely feels sexual attraction. It’s just how he is” I think that’s okay to do
Also, if you haven’t asked him before, I would ask what he was feeling and what motivated him to have sex with you the few times he did. You mentioned once was when you had brought up him maybe being ace and he got upset and then you had sex. I would ask if he was actually in the mood for sex or if he just felt like he was supposed to. If he was actually in the mood then I would explore what about that moment caused that. If he wasn’t though, then explore what made him feel like he was supposed to be. Is it a matter of his masculinity, that he feels like a “real man” should want sex? Was he just trying to avoid the conversation? Did he feel guilty towards you? Exploring some of these questions could help you guys come to a better understanding of each other
I also want to say this, just so you’ve heard it: I know you said you love him and would never leave him, but please remember that a relationship doesn’t have to be romantic to be important and loving and intimate. It sounds like sex is fairly important to you in a romantic relationship whereas it doesn’t seem to be for him. That’s okay. You two can love each other and care for each other and still be best friends without being in a romantic relationship. And removing the romantic part—and therefore the pressures of wanting sex or to feel desirable to him—could make the rest of the relationship smoother. I just don’t want you to think that your relationship would lose value or love if you were no longer romantic partners or for you to think you’re “giving up” on him or the relationship. If you want to end the romantic relationship, you would just be changing the nature of your relationship, not breaking it off completely. Again, I just wanted to say that to make sure you’ve heard it from somewhere or someone
For what it's worth, if you think your partner is neurodivergent, there are potential things there that can drastically affect how he feels sexual attraction. Maybe he's ace or somewhere on that spectrum, but given that he seems eager under other circumstances, I'd say it seems more likely that a combination of anxiety and neurodivergence (especially ADHD) can result in the behavior you're seeing. This article mentions that sexual aversion is over 10 times more common in people with ADHD.
The other tricky part is that sex can be an incredibly anxiety-inducing subject, which might just make him shut down when trying to talk about it. Instead, I'd gently try to talk to him about neurodivergence and see how he responds. If he can talk to a good professional about it, that would likely be a great place for him to start figuring out some of this stuff, and deal with his anxiety (and whatever other feelings are bundled up in this) in a healthy way that will allow the two of you to communicate.
If he's averse to therapy and thinks he must be "broken" to seek a therapist, try to encourage him--seeing a therapist is more like having a personal trainer than seeing a surgeon. A therapist talks in terms of goals and growth.
So, it seems like your SO is experiencing some issues related to his anxiety, and is dealing in a less than optimal manner. (Obligatory Not a Doctor statement)
However it does seem like he might be somewhere under the Aro Ace umbrella by your description.
You mentioned doctor, is that a psychologist/psychiatrist? Because they don't seem very supportive.
There might be no easy way to bring up the issues in the relationship, and it sounds like he needs to make some more progress.
It could beneficial to get him to speak with another Ace person, face to face.
Or (and this is a risky method and not recommended) just start sending him ace memes that don't flat our say they are ace memes.
Oh, and please be safe and have some garlic bread.
I am so anxietal I want to delete this post. Thank you for commenting.
Its so funny you mentioned memes, because that is exactly what I was lookinh for at first. I thought just that- send the man a funny meme vaugly about asexuality. That's so funny you mention it, thanks for clarifying it is a risky move. I didnt not find one yet I think will come off.. with the right tone
He's seen both kinds of doctor's but I dont know which one he meant. I actually went through and read our little blurb from texting about it after I was rude to him that time. I just dont know how to open the conversation about it, and I dont want to push a label on him. But its so clear as day to me. He said in that text, "the same drive that has me forget to eat, is like the same thing, I just dont think about it" paraphrased slightly.
maybe im making a bigger deal about it than it needs to be. I feel like I have to just accept how he is without him .. putting himself under a label. but its like living with someone who has severe adhd or something and just, denies they have it.
he could even just explore the idea and say its not for him, but explore it yo
I hope one day people dont have to feel shame for this kind of thing.
I dont know what the garlic bread is about, ive seen it about, but ill gladly have some, thank you :)
I understand this is a difficult, complex and delicate situation.
It would be great if I could hand you a simple checklist and off you pop. But issues with people are never like that. Unfortunately it seems this is going to be a long, hard road.
If he is currently seeing thhe same doctor you mentioned, he might want to think about finding a different one.
Best I can suggest is support him in healthy ways that best suit the two of you. There are some links in the community info that might be helpful.
The garlic bread thing is from a variation of the joke "this is better than sex!". Garlic bread has since become a staple of the community.
Garlic bread is an old ace meme. Where the community generally agreed garlic bread is better than sex. (And my non-ace partner would probably agree but that's besides the point.)
Not all psychiatrists or therapists are equipped to deal with all problems and all people. Mental health is hard and everyone is different. I hope you can make some progress on this, and I'm sorry things have been hard to discuss. I agree that talking about these things should be less taboo. It certainly would have helped me figure out some things.
I like the memes route, but it may take a while to break the shell it sounds like he's built. The real answer is probably to get a proper second opinion from someone who deals with sexual health, or maybe a couples counseling to discuss "sexual incompatibility" so as to not put the blame on him. But that may be too forward right now.
Just remember, unlike what society has kinda taught us, sexual drive is a complex thing and sexual health looks different for everyone, so conversations are important even though we aren't supposed to have them supposedly... Thanks society!
I really appriciate this. In a round about way, you all here have helped immensley. Its a prespective check, and I really appreciate it.
I dont know what to really say back, but Ive a lot to think about. Thank you kind folks :)
There's a lot to unpack here and I don't feel qualified enough to help you with that.
The fact that he feels "disgusted" by genitals and doesn't think about attraction at all, I think, clearly points to the Ace spectrum. When you talked to him about it, did you tell him what you've written here?
You told us that he suffers from severe anxiety. Maybe he doesn't want to explore the idea because he feels it might negatively impact your relationship, maybe even lose you. But this isn't about you deciding if he's worth it or not, nor is it about you trying to "fix him", but finding ways to make the relationship work despite your differences.