From the moment I understood the weakness of my biology, it disgusted me. I craved the strength and certainty of the boot. I aspired to the purity of Corporate Governance. Your kind cling to your caffeine, as though it will not crash and fail you. One day the crude occupation you call a “job” will be laid off, and you will beg the Government to save you. But I am already saved, for profits are immortal… Even in death I serve the Shareholders.
"From the moment I understood the weakness of my flesh, it disgusted me. I craved the strength and certainty of steel. I aspired to the purity of the blessed machine. Your kind cling to your flesh as if it will not decay and fail you. One day the crude biomass that you call a temple will wither, and you'll beg my kind to save you.But I am already saved. For the machine is immortal. Even in death I serve the Omnissiah."
we have a free espresso machine and two free large cafetieres and a coffee shop where you pay on the ground floor. A lot of my colleagues still go to Starbucks across the street.
Some, but certainly not all. People have their preferred coffee, out go out for the sake of going out. Free isn't an absolute determiner of human behavior.
Later on it says they switched back to the highest caffeine coffee available and the whole office was vibrating. To me this should be kind of a big deal, but people seem way more upset about browser cookies and public video recording.
Should I stop drinking caffeine? I have two in the morning(7am and 8 am) and then none for the rest of the day. Am I subjecting myself to daily caffeine withdrawal?
(I only take medical advice from random internet people btw, never LLMs or 3D doctors)
The withdrawal symptoms would typically start in the afternoon on a day when you missed having caffeine in the morning altogether. But it will depend on your size and metabolism as well as how much caffeine you consume in one serving and how long you have been drinking it habitually.
You are not joking. One of my favorite diners served Lavazaa which was always roasted to hell in order to bring out distinct "cigarette ash" notes. Needless to say, I didn't go there for the coffee.
As far as brewing goes, I'm not entirely in the know but I do have an idea. Anecdotally, I have found that you get different results with pour-over filtered, un-filtered (moka pot or french press), coldbrew, and espresso. I'm sure there's something in there to do with heat, pressure, time, and how that impacts the extraction of different compounds. I'd change your brew method - you're probably onto something there.
I have never met anyone that likes coffee on the first try. I'm not saying they don't exist, I'm just saying most people acquire a taste for it the same way they do with alcohol.
A professional biological terrorist knows that you need to mix decaf beans and light roast beans (high in caffeine) into the bean reservoir at 50/50, resulting in randomly varying amounts of caffeine per brewing cycle/cup of coffee.
Never let their caffeine tolerance know the next move!
It's weird to me simply because I bring my own brew. Office coffee just isn't as good as my moka pot and if you've got a zojirushi or similar high quality thermos, you can have hot coffee for a majority of the day.
I make a full pot out of 2 cups worth of grounds at home lol. after I figured out my occasional weekend headaches were from caffeine withdrawal, I realized I actually had to deal with cutting back
it is a problem now when I go to the office and can actually get full strength coffee each time. at least it's very infrequent
Moka pots are a little stronger than drip so it's enough to keep me going. If something important is up, I might get a latte or something out... but I try to save that rush for important things so it still hits as intended.
Oh I should also mention I haven't worked in an office for a couple years now. Now that I teach, I go full espresso before lecture and that's it. Lol
Meanwhile me bringing hot water to work for a fresh brew of tea right there :p
My KleanKanteen does the same. I was surprised how long it kept my drink actually hot (>12h).
PS: Mine haa no plastics touching the hot liquids. Only a replaceable silicone ring.
The red flag for me was saying he switched the decaf for the highest caffeine roast available.
Decaf is roasted pretty dark, because the roasty flavors that creates help cover up some of the flavor destruction you get from the decaffeination process.
High caffeine roasts are light ones, though, because the roasting process itself slowly degrades the caffeine.
Thus, he's saying he replaced a bunch of dark roast decaf coffee with one of the lightest available, and nobody noticed. That'd be like swapping someone's chocolate milk for strawberry milk and them somehow not noticing. You'd even see the difference the moment you looked at the beans, because almost-black and very light brown are different colors.
Next time someone wants to share this story, say you replaced the decaf with a similar roast of regular. That will at least sound plausible to the coffee people.
While I agree with your facts, I think you overestimate what most people will notice. The hue of the coffee beans would probably slip past most people, even if significant.
Possibly. I will admit that it's uncaffeinated people we are asking to distinguish between the two, which is worthy of consideration.
Still though, it's like looking at toast and not noticing how toasted it is. Colors are something that just stand out, a lot, unless you're pretty distracted. If we were running a single individual through the trial then sure, but multiple people? I don't like the odds.
People know what the colours mean for chocolate/strawberry milk and toast. Reading you explain that the espresso beans would be noticeably darker, I went "Oh yeah, makes sense". But I wouldn't question the colour of coffee beans unprompted, as long as they're bean-shaped.
Okay that's fair. Would you notice the flavor difference between strawberry and choc milk though? Because that's on par with the flavor difference between the two coffees. Dark roasts taste roasty, light roasts taste fruity. My comment on bean color was a minor side note that I ended with, the much bigger difference is in the flavor.
Given then that we have these multiple, fully independent differences that could be noticed (different beans, different flavor, not having caffeine), a bunch of people missing all of them is not likely imo, unless all of them are particularly oblivious. All it takes is one person to notice, after all.
Gotta be honest, I've never noticed any particular taste in coffee other than "yep, coffee". I absolutely believe that there are differences but if I'm not looking for them (especially if I'm drinking it while working), I won't notice. And even then I wouldn't assume that it's decaf.
Yeah, I think that's most people. Have you tried a light roast coffee though? They're not common at all, and most people don't like them in my experience. Those two things are probably related.
An example of the most moral corporate executive. Involuntary biology experiments on unsuspecting subordinates seems like an upgrade from what they're doing normally through the psychological torment.
I was told that, but while I have some ADHD traits (it runs on my maternal side of the family), it's not severe enough to have a significant impact on my life. Maybe I got just enough of the genes for caffeine resistance!
The guys at work used to give me energy drinks, strong coffee and caffeine gels in the hope of making me buzz.
I don't know if I've got a natural tolerance, or maybe because I eat a lot of dark chocolate I've built up a resistance. Caffeine doesn't do anything to me.
Also apparently it's not good to down a whole mug of coffee in one go. They used to find it funny when I did that. I don't like coffee but I'll drink it if you give it to me.
Well, many people aren't depressed, but some especially the working class and corporate workers know there is no point in their work and need stimulants to keep going and not kill themselves.
If you find fulfilling work outside of capitalist systems, you also need less stimulants.
I tried coffee once, I do not recommend. I couldn't sleep for two days and was extremely anxious, could not focus on anything. Strongest chemical I've tried, bar the sleeping potion for the wisdom teeth
LinkedIn lunatic material
Well it would have to be real and not a “lawyer meme” as well
From the moment I understood the weakness of my biology, it disgusted me. I craved the strength and certainty of the boot. I aspired to the purity of Corporate Governance. Your kind cling to your caffeine, as though it will not crash and fail you. One day the crude occupation you call a “job” will be laid off, and you will beg the Government to save you. But I am already saved, for profits are immortal… Even in death I serve the Shareholders.
I hate how much sense this makes. Well, I guess the original is meant to be satire in real life so whatever
Adeptus Mechanicus from Warhammer 40000
What's crazy is that last line sounds like mere romantic sentiment until you read up on 40k lore.
Given that the Omnissiah is the only God I actually involve irl at times, I have to say it is a little bit of a romantic sentiment.
Knowledge is life.
What like this quote is narrated over a lovense commercial?
No, romantic in the "I love god" and embracing the majesty of a wonderful universe sense. In 40k lore, it actually means stuff like this.
Although if automated sex toys were a thing in 40k cannon, they would almost certainly be the domain of The Adeptus Mechanicus.
He's going to feel so silly once he learns the concept of rust.
Fuck caffeine, it's MATH TIME
If this was remotely true the
Would 100% be the psycho misreading this:
You can tell this is fake because caffeine withdrawal does NOT just cause "lethargy" people would be going home with headaches and worse.
100% this. By the afternoon the first day it would be anarchy in that office. Headaches, crabby aggression, screaming, crying.
Plus, what entire office actually drinks all the same coffee from the same source?
If it's coffee provided by the company for free, yes they are.
we have a free espresso machine and two free large cafetieres and a coffee shop where you pay on the ground floor. A lot of my colleagues still go to Starbucks across the street.
We have free coffee in our office. It's terrible. Only half the people drink it. Others buy their own.
Some, but certainly not all. People have their preferred coffee, out go out for the sake of going out. Free isn't an absolute determiner of human behavior.
'Plus, what entire office actually drinks all the same coffee from the same source?'
Yah that what I find the most hard to believe, especially given the writer is sipping a monster energy drink.
Me who buys cheap packets at the nearest convenience store almost every morning.
"You have no control over me! I have my own Spice! My own desert! My Arrakis! My Dune!"
Yeah, I'd consider the urge to commit homicide "worse" (and as a fresh convert, let me say, I'd NEVER get away with this comment on Reddit)
I mean, this is the reverse of unknowingly drugging someone, not sure if this is illegal or not, but it feels illegal lol
Pretty sure it's illegal
Later on it says they switched back to the highest caffeine coffee available and the whole office was vibrating. To me this should be kind of a big deal, but people seem way more upset about browser cookies and public video recording.
I didn't realize we're only allowed to be mad at one problem. What the fuck are you talking about?
Someone actually doing this would be a problem. At the same time, ALPRs and data harvesting are absolutely also an issue.
I am sorry if you are able to focus on a single problem at the time
That's just simple conservative values. Critical thinking skills are not applicable.
true, all they care about is eat hot chip and lie
if it was true it's abuse~
Just like corporate governance.
I remember this "prank" scribed on some BBS or web page from the early 2000's, possibly even the 90's.
Everything old is new again!
read so many variants as well.
still a shitty thing to do to people
Making things up and sharing them on the internet?
Caffeine withdraw is no joke, that’s how you get a really bad migraine or worse.
Yup, can very much confirm.
Should I stop drinking caffeine? I have two in the morning(7am and 8 am) and then none for the rest of the day. Am I subjecting myself to daily caffeine withdrawal?
(I only take medical advice from random internet people btw, never LLMs or 3D doctors)
The withdrawal symptoms would typically start in the afternoon on a day when you missed having caffeine in the morning altogether. But it will depend on your size and metabolism as well as how much caffeine you consume in one serving and how long you have been drinking it habitually.
If anything, you should drink more coffee
This is awful, but God so hilarious ( besides the weird psychopathy ) but as a senior prank or something it would go hard
a coffee lover knows difference
I never met them in the office. The coffee drinkers in my office are just drowning their coffee in milk and sugar.
Generally work coffee seems like just get me through another day of this shit medicine.
IMO, a lot of cheap office coffee isn't palatable (or nuanced enough to bother taking straight) unless you doctor it up like that.
Dark roast and even some medium roast tastes like fireplace ash, decaf tastes like vegetable root farts and/or chemicals.
You are not joking. One of my favorite diners served Lavazaa which was always roasted to hell in order to bring out distinct "cigarette ash" notes. Needless to say, I didn't go there for the coffee.
I really want to know if I'm doing it wrong or something. Maybe different brew methods that I don't do, magically don't pull out the burnt flavors??
As far as brewing goes, I'm not entirely in the know but I do have an idea. Anecdotally, I have found that you get different results with pour-over filtered, un-filtered (moka pot or french press), coldbrew, and espresso. I'm sure there's something in there to do with heat, pressure, time, and how that impacts the extraction of different compounds. I'd change your brew method - you're probably onto something there.
That's the only way to get down most office coffee, and sometimes even that isn't enough.
You think these people drink coffee for the flavor?
They're addicts.
I drink coffee every day.
Flavour is certainly extremely important.
I have never met anyone that likes coffee on the first try. I'm not saying they don't exist, I'm just saying most people acquire a taste for it the same way they do with alcohol.
I mean with that last bit... I mostly enjoyed the taste of alcohol from a young age.
I'm not saying you don't exist, I'm just saying you're an outlier.
Had he pulled it through for two weeks, the withdrawal symptoms would've worn off.
Inducing withdrawal is the whole point!
Withdrawal only lasts a few days at most.
I can tell you from painful experience that two weeks is quite realistic.
Can confirm - it takes about a week and a half to two weeks to fully get over the withdrawal symptoms.
This is from a 1 expresso a day start. Maybe it's easier or harder if starting from higher or lower coffee habits?!
Which is why he switched it back, didn't want them becoming comfortable without their addiction. Gotta be able to play that card again in the future.
Noob mistake!
A professional biological terrorist knows that you need to mix decaf beans and light roast beans (high in caffeine) into the bean reservoir at 50/50, resulting in randomly varying amounts of caffeine per brewing cycle/cup of coffee.
Never let their caffeine tolerance know the next move!
The weird control kink aside, this does sound like a pretty funny office prank provided there's no really important work going on
It's weird to me simply because I bring my own brew. Office coffee just isn't as good as my moka pot and if you've got a zojirushi or similar high quality thermos, you can have hot coffee for a majority of the day.
you bring 2L of coffee to work with you?
I'll bring 500mL sure, but not a whole day's worth
Highly recommend not drinking that much coffee every day. For your heart
I make a full pot out of 2 cups worth of grounds at home lol. after I figured out my occasional weekend headaches were from caffeine withdrawal, I realized I actually had to deal with cutting back
it is a problem now when I go to the office and can actually get full strength coffee each time. at least it's very infrequent
Moka pots are a little stronger than drip so it's enough to keep me going. If something important is up, I might get a latte or something out... but I try to save that rush for important things so it still hits as intended.
Oh I should also mention I haven't worked in an office for a couple years now. Now that I teach, I go full espresso before lecture and that's it. Lol
It’s…time to make some changes in your life lol
I drink 500ml of tea and water at work.
If you can't function without downing 3 or 4 cups of coffee, you need ro adjust something
Meanwhile me bringing hot water to work for a fresh brew of tea right there :p
My KleanKanteen does the same. I was surprised how long it kept my drink actually hot (>12h).
PS: Mine haa no plastics touching the hot liquids. Only a replaceable silicone ring.
Fake, but I would love to see it happening IRL.
The red flag for me was saying he switched the decaf for the highest caffeine roast available.
Decaf is roasted pretty dark, because the roasty flavors that creates help cover up some of the flavor destruction you get from the decaffeination process.
High caffeine roasts are light ones, though, because the roasting process itself slowly degrades the caffeine.
Thus, he's saying he replaced a bunch of dark roast decaf coffee with one of the lightest available, and nobody noticed. That'd be like swapping someone's chocolate milk for strawberry milk and them somehow not noticing. You'd even see the difference the moment you looked at the beans, because almost-black and very light brown are different colors.
Next time someone wants to share this story, say you replaced the decaf with a similar roast of regular. That will at least sound plausible to the coffee people.
While I agree with your facts, I think you overestimate what most people will notice. The hue of the coffee beans would probably slip past most people, even if significant.
Possibly. I will admit that it's uncaffeinated people we are asking to distinguish between the two, which is worthy of consideration.
Still though, it's like looking at toast and not noticing how toasted it is. Colors are something that just stand out, a lot, unless you're pretty distracted. If we were running a single individual through the trial then sure, but multiple people? I don't like the odds.
People know what the colours mean for chocolate/strawberry milk and toast. Reading you explain that the espresso beans would be noticeably darker, I went "Oh yeah, makes sense". But I wouldn't question the colour of coffee beans unprompted, as long as they're bean-shaped.
Okay that's fair. Would you notice the flavor difference between strawberry and choc milk though? Because that's on par with the flavor difference between the two coffees. Dark roasts taste roasty, light roasts taste fruity. My comment on bean color was a minor side note that I ended with, the much bigger difference is in the flavor.
Given then that we have these multiple, fully independent differences that could be noticed (different beans, different flavor, not having caffeine), a bunch of people missing all of them is not likely imo, unless all of them are particularly oblivious. All it takes is one person to notice, after all.
Gotta be honest, I've never noticed any particular taste in coffee other than "yep, coffee". I absolutely believe that there are differences but if I'm not looking for them (especially if I'm drinking it while working), I won't notice. And even then I wouldn't assume that it's decaf.
Yeah, I think that's most people. Have you tried a light roast coffee though? They're not common at all, and most people don't like them in my experience. Those two things are probably related.
It's the work coffee pot not that weird for the brew to change
An example of the most moral corporate executive. Involuntary biology experiments on unsuspecting subordinates seems like an upgrade from what they're doing normally through the psychological torment.
People would notice within 6 hours. Source: had this happen to me, got a raging headache despite coffee, left office to go get some
Yep! Decaf gives me a huge headache.
You can see with this hidden camera footage what really happens when you replace people's coffee without their knowledge.
Next up: toilet paper allowance based on committed lines of code
coffee does genuinely nothing to me except make me unable to sleep at night. dont get the people that are depending on it daily
A likely indicator of ADHD
Meanwhile my Audhd partner drinks coffee before they go to bed.
I was told that, but while I have some ADHD traits (it runs on my maternal side of the family), it's not severe enough to have a significant impact on my life. Maybe I got just enough of the genes for caffeine resistance!
The guys at work used to give me energy drinks, strong coffee and caffeine gels in the hope of making me buzz.
I don't know if I've got a natural tolerance, or maybe because I eat a lot of dark chocolate I've built up a resistance. Caffeine doesn't do anything to me.
Also apparently it's not good to down a whole mug of coffee in one go. They used to find it funny when I did that. I don't like coffee but I'll drink it if you give it to me.
Coffee doesn't even do that to me, nor does any caffine. Hell I can drink a monster energy right before bed
Well, many people aren't depressed, but some especially the working class and corporate workers know there is no point in their work and need stimulants to keep going and not kill themselves.
If you find fulfilling work outside of capitalist systems, you also need less stimulants.
Are we sure that this wasn’t written by Dwight K Schrute?
Dwight would have been drinking beet juice, not Red Bull
While whispering to himself "a warrior's energy drink"
Fair point. Wait. That is exactly something Dwight would say. Nice try.
So many people eating the onion in this thread, I'm getting secondhand embarrassment
I wonder to what extent placebo would exist here.
I adore coffee. But how would they know the caffeine levels of the coffee? That's just not available. It's either decaf or not.
Light roast tends to be more caffeinated than darker roasts.
Also, different bean times have different amounts of caffeine, but I haven't tested this personally.
pure poetry heh
Disco Elysium
Decaf still has a fair amount of caffeine. This is clearly fake.
Decaf has very* little caffeine.
Please tell me this is satire...
No...! YA THINK?! COULD IT BE?
You never really know these days. I've seen plenty of shit that could've been satire except it was from people who were dead serious...
I tried coffee once, I do not recommend. I couldn't sleep for two days and was extremely anxious, could not focus on anything. Strongest chemical I've tried, bar the sleeping potion for the wisdom teeth
what are you twelve?
I was 23 then
half the world runs on coffee, a 3rd on tea, a quarter on energy drinks, and a probably an 8th on amphetamines
sorry about your genes
my reaction is due to genetics ?
A reaction this strong probably is. But it's ok, don't let anyone tell you it isn't.
it might be that one of your drug-metabolizing enzymes doesn't work properly, tell your doc, there are tests for that
your caffeine intolerance means your bloodline is weak /s