I'm pretty amped. I can't remember any other time I've been this excited to talk to a doctor. The more* I read about bipolar, the more I feel like a dummy for not seeing it sooner. Then I feel dumber for thinking I have it without first being diagnosed. My wife thinks the diagnosis is just a formality at this point; a foregone conclusion. I have a certain kind of luck that leads me to be more cautious, but I'm still optimistic.

I'm thinking, "What will it be like, starting new meds? Will I feel bad before I feel better? Will I feel anything at all, or will it just sort of be ...normal?" I also can't stop worrying that the doctor is going to say I'm trying too hard to be diagnosed. My wife laughs at that. Says our doc loves talking about this stuff, and she doesn't think he will disagree with our assumptions. So I'll just patiently wait and hope I feel good about whatever results from Wednesday's visit.

I won't lie. If I leave that doctor's office without a BD diagnosis, I will be very disappointed. That's supposed to be a good thing, though, right? Man... I have never WANTED a diagnosis before. My wife is already giving me hugs and saying things like, "You have the best mental illness, baby. I always knew we were the same." and, "Now I have to call my friend and tell him two 'manics' can be together in a relationship! In your FACE, Ben!"

I love her enthusiasm, but imposter syndrome makes me feel like I'm on the outside looking in, and the doctor will gate-keep me outside, saying I just want to belong, but I don't have BD. So, if that is the case, I guess I have to be alright with that. In that case, though, I wonder how to classify my symptoms.

*I have consumed lots of bipolar info since 2017, when I started dating my wife. Now it's different, though. It's me, not my SO.