Modelling emotion handling: Can a kid tell "well-handled emotion" apart from "no emotion"?
I am M41 and have a 5-year-old son.
Recently I asked in another parenting forum: "At what age can I teach a child to speak nicely even when in a bad mood?"
A couple of people told me that it is important to model emotion handling so that the child can see how the parent handles difficult emotions. This makes me ponder: How do I do this in a visible manner? How can my son tell the difference between "Dad acts calm while experiencing a difficult emotion" and "Dad acts calm while experiencing no emotions"?
I strongly suspect that the distiction is not easily visible. I have done Buddhist-inspired self-improvement practices these last 3 years, and in my own opinion my emotion regulation has improved vastly. But my wife does not seem to notice or appreciate this; it appears that she mostly only sees those rare occasions where I lose my temper and not the many occasions where I remain calm in spite of emotions. If my emotion handling is invisible to her, how can I expect the little guy to pick up on it and learn to emulate it?
We just say what we feel out loud tbh. And since ours is a bit younger than yours, we also frequently ask what they are feeling and why they have these feelings.
"I had a bad day at work, that's why I don't want to play right now. This has nothing to do with you and will go away soon."
"I am getting a little annoyed when you scream at me constantly, even when I asked you to stop. I told you I am making dinner for all of us. What feelings do you have right now - are you angry or sad? Why?"
These sound a bit stilted in English. If I ever lose my temper - mostly boils down to the rare loud "Ey!" when they're doing something bad and are not at all reacting to me - I immediately apologize for being loud and explain why I got angry.
Talk it out. "I am frustrated at ___ right now, I need a minute" worked great for my kid. There were a few times when they would give themselves a time out to recenter.
Also "aw, I'm disappointed by [rain, milk gone bad, store is closed, etc] but that's okay, we'll figure something out"