what would be a funny thing to teach my 5 y/o niece?
I'm visiting extended family for the first time in a long time, and one of my nieces has reached the impressionable age where she keeps mimicking things that she sees me do. what's a really funny but fairly harmless thing I should teach her to do?
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It'd be hilarious if you taught her how to code Fortran.
Hey this might make her millions in the future
They said Fortran, not COBOL
You sick bastard! Have her do a print loop in BASIC.
I don't think his niece is named Fortran, tho
Flicking your cheek just right to make the water drop noise
This is evil
(not exactly the same noise but can be used to the same effect)
OP, do this one
Or making the mouth pop effect with your thumb
💯
On a vacation when I was a teenager I taught my younger sibling the "SYN/ACK" game.
They still remember the TCP stack handshake protocol including resets and acks years later.
Lol, kid will sniff packets next
What kind of game is this? Never heard of it
My niece and nephew loved the “this guy” gag. What’s got two thumbs and thinks you’re the coolest? THIS GUY! and point to yourself with your thumbs.
Nah here it's Good guy/Wank
Teach her that, it's an important life lesson
Teach her to order something off a foreign-language menu, invite the family out to dinner, and see if she can place her order fluently.
Doing the "Five year old white girl shocks waitress by ordering Orange Chicken in perfect Mandarian" bit IRL would be pretty funny and adorable.
I've thought my niece that policemen go "oink oink" and that pigs go "You have the right to remain silent!"
I’ve thought that too.
A buddy of mine taught his 5 yr old daughter to tell people "One time, at band camp...I stuck a flute in my..." *long pause* "nose".
And he gets joy remembering all of the people go wide-eyed waiting for that next word out of her mouth.
Just hope he’s prepared for when she finds out the quote’s origin
Lockpicking
Using Linux
Media piracy
Feeding the homeless
Wheatpasting / graffiti
Political theory
Shoplifting from corporate chains
First Aid
Legal observation
Black bloc tactics
Guerilla gardening
Spotting plainclothes cops / informants
Dialectical Materialism
Idk about some of these given the age bracket, but Spot the Fed is fun for the whole family.
She could configure linux from scratch
Seconding lockpocking. Easy to learn, tactile feedback (very kid friendly!), can absolutely annoy parents. But be careful to teach children not to do anything that'll seriously get them into trouble
You have a weird sense of humor.
I'm a weird sort of person. 😺
The Song That Doesn't End
Then once they got it just right, let them sing it all week.
Once the week goes by .... teach them 99 bottles of pop on the wall
That is utterly evil
Teach her how she can insert "apparently" into every statement.
My 8 year old starts almost every sentence with "By the way."
In 80 years your kid could be president
And "allegedly"
"Guess what?"
"What?"
"CHICKEN BUTT!"
Guess what.
What?
Youre a snot and I'm not.
I taught my niece to say "I can't work like this!". That was fun!
Arm pit farts
Alternatively - hand farts for the times it's too hot to want to stick a hand in your armpit lol
Seconding hand farts. I've never seen anyone wash their hands after doing armpit farts.
Being too hot just makes a better bravado.
If she's the right age, Teach her The Game. It's a brain virus game.
Rule number 1 of The Game, you can not think about The Game. When you think about The Game you lose.
Rule number 2, when you think of The Game you have to say that you've lost The Game. Ideally loudly and publicly.
Rule number 3, after losing the game you get 30 minutes grace period to stop thinking about it before The Game starts again.
Rule number 4, once you have learned about the game you may either play the game or cheat.
Dangit. It's been years. You flipping flipper.
You beat me to it.
Start em young.
Also I lost the game.
It's been a while. But now I lost the game again...
How to tie her shoes the instant/quick way. She'll be the coolest kid to all her peers and even amaze other parents who witness it...
https://youtu.be/Q5qZpQe_4EA?si=6fPhLyHs5BwJoaoA
(I have no affiliation with that channel it was just the first thing that came up when I searched)
I taught my kid to say "mom drinks beer for breakfast" as soon as she could talk. Wasn't that popular with the family xD
Reminds me of the people who taught their bird to say "mom beats me! oOoOoOoOo"
End every other sentence with ~ nya ~
The drums.
Or a less chaotic-evil suggestion, that water-drop sound made by flicking your cheek.
I think the water drop sound with your mouth is more chaotic evil than drums.
I have had pretty good luck with doing
High five Up high Down low Too slow
My nephew would just let me do it forever, always trying to beat me on the too slow bit.
Give her some unconventional future career ideas. Non-edgy ones, of course. I think it would be pretty funny if after a visit from an uncle your kid was talking about sailing knots or embalming procedures or something.
Assembly
I taught my 18 month year old niece the sound a dinosaur makes. ROOOOOOOAAAR
Pull my finger.
Teach her to take a drink and then smack her lips and say, “ahhh”.
I'm not trying to grow an Instagram microcelebrity lol
We got my niece to speak a little Klingon.
Poker. And proper bluffing.
Low-key one of the worst things I think you can possibly teach a child. I've actually considered this with my nieces because it would be fun, but teaching kids how to lie convincingly is just a terrible idea on every possible front.
i decided to let her watch Smackdown with me. we'll see what she picks up as a surprise for mom & dad
Oh great, show the niece thinly-veiled gay porn, aye
That it's pronounced heliclopter and not helicopter.
Helico-pter
My son came up with “epilopter” and that’s what we call them now.
Juggling ? beginning with two balls is fairly easy and is a slippery gateway to more balls
Tell her a fun fact, in your best science teacher tone. It takes one billion microseconds to get to one second. Hopefully she can run with this and ask more questions.
I'm pretty sure that this is wrong? It should be one million. Am I too tired?
My mistake, yes one million.
Play chess.
Gang signs.
Do something that will confuse her parents a ton. Like tell her that every time she wants something, she has to touch her nose three times then say the thing. Demonstrate it a lot to drill it in.
taps nose three times... COOKIES
Using capitals
Dad jokes or anti jokes maybe? Math formulas? A foreign language?
What I like to do with kids that age is cartwheels. One hand, two hands, one foot, two feet.
Good time to introduce them to interesting foods too.
Spitting watermelon seeds really far is also fun.
The macarena.
That white cows make milk for white coffee and black cows make milk for black coffee.
No no no. White cows make milk. Brown cows make chocolate milk.
Do the burp trick by swallowing air, and then giggle uncontrollably.
How to disco.
Greasy, grimy gopher guts
Mutilated monkey meat
Dirty little birdy feet
Floatin in snake eyeballs
Too
Bad
I
Forgot
My
Spoon
But I got my straaaaaawwwwww. sluuuuurp
Wow!!! This is fascinating-- I was raised with
Great big gobs of Greasy, Grimy, Gopher Guts Propagated Porcus Puts Sterilized Monkey Eyes, And me without a spoon! scoop Too Bad!
I think my mom was crazy on second thought
A good mom is always a little crazy lol.
I've heard that version, and there was a version of the one I wrote out that started "great green gobs" too.
You wanna know what's surprising though? We were taught the song in school, by the elementary music teacher. She'd come through the district one school at a time, once a week and we'd have music class. Basic rhythm instruments (like those ridged sticks you rub together that we canned rhythm sticks, maracas, cabasas, etc) and folk songs and such.
It was awesome. Mrs Gore was her name. Really tall blonde lady with an incredible voice that had infinite patience with kids that couldn't sing worth a damn lol.
I've never been good at rote memorization, but I remember every damn song she taught us.
Michael row your boat ashore, Puff the magic dragon, she'll be comin round the mountain, Mary Mack, John Jacob Jingleheimer Smith (usually pronounced Yon Yacob Yingleheimer), and a bunch more.
Oh man, and my entire class when I was in second grade took part in a school show, where each class did a song. We did Amazing Grace, and there were tears among the parents, and not just of boredom or because we sounded like a random group of kids trying to sing lol. We wore these blue vests and pants (I think the girls could choose to wear skirts, I remember that not all did, but not any discussion about it). It was so damn fun.
If you know how, teach her how to whistle real high using the fingers on top of the tongue. One way is by making an O with the thumb and the index finger, bending/rolling your tongue backwards a bit and pressing your fingers against it.
Oh look at Mr You can just do it this way or that way.
I STILL CANT WHISTLE ALL YOU WHISLTING ELITISTS!!!
😭
Me neither. I can buzz my lips to a melody without a needing an actual horn, though.
Do you play a brass instrument?
I did for like a decade. I'd still play, but I was never as good as my peers, and that shit's expensive.
It still took a long time to nail the exact movements down, after I made the sound accidentally a couple times. There's no resonance to rely on the way you can for low brass, at least.
gentoo
Teach her to say "I was born on a pirate ship"
Once she's able to say it properly, tell her to open her mouth with a finger at each corner and say the phrase again. Get her to shout it out
Then tell her to show her new trick to mom and dad.
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/G81LihKHXD0?feature=share
https://youtu.be/F5bW8H-kNZs?si=g6cdvXnLXHRLzBXJ
Okay don't actually do this
Impressions. Cartoon characters are best
Teach her about Poseidon's Kiss.
Taught her to walk with her hands put behind like an old man https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7BOTUuz_t7A
Say “on skib a dee” to any young kid. They love it.
Make a fist stick up your pinky, put your mouth next to your thumb puff out your cheeks, and repeat the word "girl".
skibidi toilet