Here is the actual answer you were looking for: The Dynalink TV Box (4K) for $30.

• Unbeatable price
• One of 3 TV boxes supported by LineageOS for best privacy. Only other ones are the Nvidia Shield devices ($100+) and the Google ADT developer devices (can't be easily purchased)
• Possible to use without GAPPS or with GAPPS and a root firewall
• Can use VPN or custom DNS despite regular Android TV limitations
• Full DRM/Widevine support for UHD content even with LineageOS flashes

I've personally used one for months now for GApps-free, Widevine compatible streaming on Netflix, Prime, Newpipe, etc. I used LOS + Mullvad VPN + AFWall + several Xposed modules to hide root and it all works just fine.

I swear the shit posts here are 10x as funny as on reddit 😂😂😂

Dot files?

Heave a look at this guide

I actually just bought mine a few months back. Unfortunate that it is no longer available.

Only Opensuse ships with this, right?

A no longer developed, but much more promising and private alternative to IPFS: Theseus