being a femboy wasn't enough
Hello! I just wanted to rant to the void of the internet so here is the wall of text.
For a while, I had thought myself as a femboy/feminine man. Initially, i thought while looking at other men, that my conception of being a man was just different, albeit substanitally from the norm.
Fair enough I thought, I can do what I want. Wear skirts, thigh highs, make up, dresses, all of that shit. That, for a time made me happy. I finally believed that I could be thought of as pretty, not as some blank blob. Feminity brought me a comfort in my skin and oneness with my body I didn't think possible. It was a comfort that masculinity never bothered to give me.
Since my egg cracked, as I look into a mirror for too long, or look at a picture of myself, the physical realities of being a man become overwhelming. There is no skirt, no dress, no makeup that can hide this reality anymore.
It is as if throughout my life, I have purposefully turned a blind eye to it. Every time I saw the man looking at me through the mirror I moved on before it hurt any further. The truth is I hate the idea of being a man. The social aspect, the mental and undoubtly the physical. I wish it weren't so.
I hope this HRT shit works for me. I hope when all is said and done I actually feel better about it all.
Anyway, time for me to sleep. If you've read through all this, thanks
馃惓