almost there

to retrace through all of the feelings

is a matter of

subtracting out most,

but not all,

of the words in the record thus far

this is very complicated

and I cannot rush it

but I have felt shame, of course

Feels like opportunity

it's almost enough, and

if I put the pain into something interesting, something novel, then at least I can sleep well

and I do sleep well

nevertheless, I'm grinding my gears, still tired, still with nothing, it feels, to offer, but another empty promise of a fuller future that may never arrive

I offer it anyway

maybe tomorrow is another normal day of continuing to redecorate

got tired again

about to head out

tomorrow is a different world

oatmeal is amazing

to give all I have to give

the station inventory scan has concluded, most boxes have been packed and the floor is no longer obstructed

I became used to grabbing the google AI's tech support

I can now run a local open model for querying on sysadmin tasks

perhaps you might not approve, and I'm not certain how I feel about it

but local is better

to make myself clear to you

yesterday was a fizzling

in theory I'm directing myself to rest today but the place is still such a mess and I don't have time I have to be ready Monday

it seems to me you called?

nothing much doing here slowly moving

that I'm happy to hear from you

being the bottleneck

waiting until I have the appropriate focus

feeling like I should have done better sooner

but the reality is I am running, have been running, always running, nonstop for these two fucked up years

and if I am running alone, it's my fault, but also

it's a testosterone surge and I am buffed

now if I could finish redecorating

that has been a heavy pain for a long time

I would explain, but it's only 'mental illness' to you

perhaps later

is much more roomy

trimmed down layout

widened so I feel comfortable, physically

and all of the problems I can do something about can be solved if I busy busy busy through today

but if I sit on the couch and write, maybe that will help the emotional pain, and I'm tired

but the cluttered atmosphere enrages me, so I want to get up and busy busy busy through today

it's still early morning

the overhead lights are on (new schedule)

I never thought it would take this long

I had a cheap burger for lunch

(time-saving move meal purchases approved)

and the bun was disgusting

sickly sweet

and I am dealing with the durum wheat and hungry for the substance of it, I need a

today I did a lot of video processing on old projects which have accumulated

and moved the bed

Terry Pratchett's Maskerade

Terry Pratchett's discursions on the fantasy realm enacted a capacity for versatile satire in the truest, deepest sense. Of particular note are any with the character Moist von Lipwig , but Maskerade is, I think, a beautiful work in a way not quite like any of the others.