Void of Colours

With apologies to Hans Zimmer and Bobby Bass, I present Void of Colours as written by the Shadow.

Elaida's a wreck
Stole the stole from Siuan's neck
Unbound her from her Oaths
The Tower is ours
And by His power
The Blue they all will loath

Hear ye, all lands
Raise six colors high
Red, White, Grey, and Yellow
Green and Brown shall vie

Now some have died
And some are alive
And others with Logain flee
With Domani to sway
And the Captain to pay
They will Salidar see.

Hear ye, all lands
The Council wields their might
Black souls, thieves, and killers
Never shall they die

Thirteen, all together
Raise the chaos high
Black souls, thieves, and killers
Never shall they die

Chosen are raised
From their ghuley grave
Do you hear blood's sepulchral tone?
It calls to all
We must Lews stall
And turn raven sails from home

Hear ye, all lands
Let no Darkfriend be shy
Shadowsouled, hounds, and beggars
Never shall we die

Let us. Fight. Each other.
Raise the selfishness high
Burn our souls to cinder
Never shall we die

The Cardplayers

With apologies to Corb Lund, I present The Cardplayers as written by Mat Cauthon.

Well, I guess I should not have mentioned Aielmen.
These Tairens don't like their fear.
I had better tell some tale to amuse them.
Bain kissed at the point of a spear.
And if I thought that danger like this came from card games
I'd show up less often 'round here.
I must say Rand's a madman; he's really quite crazy.
I'll saddle Pips and depart Tear.

But I'd sure like to know what they'd say through that doorway.
Those answers were clearly too few!
Escape failed to include in three Finnish requests.
But fools sometimes get lucky too.
Fools, they get lucky, and I guess I must be a fool.
Fools, they get lucky, and I guess I must be one too.

Glances have been made by "respectable" locals.
At the rolls of my usual kind.
A less savory inn filled with merchants and cutpurses
You would be hard-pressed to find.
Players like that could kill a man quickly.
I'll pay for their drink and their fun.
My luck should give coin back in the interest of safety
In loss I see luck, but not Tuon.

And I'd sure like to know what became of that merchant.
He left without getting his due.
What toughs failed to account for in their agitations
Is that fools sometimes get lucky too.
Fools, they get lucky, and I guess I must be a fool
Fools, they get lucky, and I guess I must be one too

The gleeman, he says that his wits as a grey-bearded performer may be impinged.
Tuon thinks she's entitled to command by sovereignty, birthright, and citizenship.
Did these toughs attack because we showed too much gold coin?
Vane's presence a story does tell.
Well, at least all this violence, death, and destruction sold this inn to Tuon.
Not a hell.

Fools, they get lucky, and I guess I must be a fool
Fools, they get lucky, and I guess I must be one too
Yeah, fools, they get lucky, and I guess I must be one too

Someone posted this in my Discord yesterday. I believe AI was involved.

The cavern of Shayol Ghul pulsed with heat and sulfur as Pips stepped forward, hooves ringing on the blackened stone. His mane flared in the unnatural wind, his eyes alight with a dark, knowing gleam. No mere beast, he stood before the Bore, where the Dark One’s presence throbbed like a festering wound, and dipped his head in deference.

The air grew heavy, and the ground trembled as the Dark One’s will crashed down.

PIPS, MY SHADOW IN THE SADDLE.

The words sliced into him, sharp and cold, cutting like the knife that had taken his testicles long ago—a memory of pain that echoed in the Dark One’s voice. Pips snorted, breath hissing, and stamped a hoof.

“The dice-roller gathers strength,” he projected, thoughts crisp. “The Dragon’s shadow spreads chaos.”

A wave of power rolled from the Bore, and the Dark One’s voice deepened, relentless.

CHAOS IS MY BLADE, AND YOU ARE ITS BEARER. WHAT OF THE BOY’S LUCK? DOES IT BEND TO MY WILL?

Pips flicked his tail. “It twists and cuts, as I guide it. His victories bleed the Light.”

The stone groaned, and the Dark One’s presence sharpened, pressing without mercy.

GOOD. LET HIS TRIUMPHS SOW RUIN. LET HIS DICE FALL WHERE I COMMAND. YOU, STEED OF NIGHT, SHALL TREAD THE PATH OF DISCORD.

The voice cut again, a cruel edge that stirred the old wound’s phantom sting. Pips endured it, unbowed. The air crackled as the Dark One spoke once more, each word a blow.

LET THE LORD OF CHAOS RULE. BREAK THEIR HOPE BENEATH YOUR HOOVES. THE PATTERN IS MINE TO UNRAVEL.

The command thundered, igniting Pips’ dark gaze. He reared, his whinny jagged and fierce, and turned from the Bore. The Dark One’s will clung to him as he left Shayol Ghul, ready to crush the world underfoot.

Winternight

With apologies to Joseph Mohr, I present Winternight as written by someone recounting some of the events of the waning years of the Third Age.

Silent night. Winternight.
Gone the calm, come the fright.
Run, young virgin, father, and horse.
Let not fever take its course
Trudge to the Winespring Inn.
Trudge to the Winespring Inn.

Silent night. Winternight.
Shepherds quake at the sight
Glorious stories of Manetheren.
Gone two girls and five good men.
Flee for your life; don't cease!
Flee for your life; don't cease!

Silent night, Winternight.
Lews reborn, eyes abright.
Radiant webs from thy affixed Lace
Come with Dawn, a power base
Gitara, dead at thy birth!
Gitara, dead at thy birth!

Shepherd's Paradise

With apologies to Coolio and Weird Al, I present Shepherd's Paradise as written by Rand al'Thor.

As I look through the valley of Tarwin's Gap
Eye spy the Shadow force and see a horde of saps
And that's just perfect for a Dragon like me
You know, I kill Shadowspawn with much alacrity

At four thirty in the morning, I'm shearing sheep
Papa Tam mends the fences and Bela plows... fool
And I've been shearin' and plowin' so long that
Pretty Egwene al'Vere thinks my mind is wool

Perrin's a man of the land, he's into discipline
Got a Faile on his lap and a beard on his chin
But if we finish all of our chores and you finish thine
Then tonight we're gonna party like it's flaming Bel Tine

We been spending most our lives
Living in a shepherd's paradise
I've Flamed the Void once or twice
Living in a shepherd's paradise

It's hard work and sacrifice
Living in a shepherd's paradise
We sell wool at mulehead price
Living in a shepherd's paradise

A local boy loosed a badger on the green last week
I just smiled at him 'cause it's mischief that he seeks
I don't really care, but I do wish him well
'Cause I'll be laughing my head off when Wisdom's ringing his bell

Mat hadn't never killed a girl even if she deserved it
The scamp harmin' women? You know that's unheard of!
He bought a cool hat that he'll never misplace
And his rapist loves to say he really looks good in lace... fool

If you come to conquer, you'll be beaten to tears
We haven't even seen a taxman in 200 years
'Cause we ain't Andormen, so please don't try and scare
We're not courageously impaired

There's no Guards, no Friends, no fireworks
Not a single luxury
Unlike Farstrider
It's as pastoral as can be

We been spending most our lives
Living in a shepherd's paradise
We're just plain and simple guys
Living in a shepherd's paradise

There's no time for sin and vice
Living in a shepherd's paradise
We don't fight, but shoot real nice
Living in a shepherd's paradise

Cleanin' up saidin, my half of the Power
With the Choedan Kal, hour after hour
Everybody's fightin', but half of them ain’t tryin'
It's going down to the Logoth, while the Chosen dyin'

They said I had to learn, but was nobody here to teach me
If the birds and fish can't work, how can they reach me?
I guess they can't; I guess they won't
I guess they knelt, that's how they know Asha'man are GOATs, fool

Couldn't spend all our lives
Living in a shepherd's paradise
We're crazy Manetheren
Living in a shepherd's paradise
It's all copse and Winternight
Living in a shepherd's paradise
But Matrim thinks it bites
Living in a shepherd's paradise

I speak, of course, of the day in 2004 when USA Today reported Robert Jordan ominously telling them

I'm aware of Mr. Goodkind.

sauce

To be clear, I think the comment about Gawyn/Galad resembling each other was me misremembering a sentence about their clothes, and maybe also some Elayne/Gawyn prose.

And I enabled video for the first time since placing my bookshelf in view of my webcam, with The Wheel of Time consuming the top shelf.

One of my coworkers, who's read 2-4 books, immediately asks if I've seen that Amazon show and launches into a rant about how he watched the first episode or so and kept thinking "I don't remember any of this!"

Though in fairness another coworker who hasn't read any of the books did chime in and say he kind of liked it. [edit: Forgot to mention he gave up in season 2.] A third coworker who has read all (or nearly all) the books hasn't seen the show, but reacted very negatively to learning that Perrin had a wife he killed and such.

Then the first coworker resumes talking to mention he also tried Rings of Power (admittedly after his son told him it was terrible) and he "pulled the plug" ten minutes in.

So together with coworkers from my last job, IRL friends, and IRL friends of friends, I think the total stands at:

*One gave up early in season 2. I don't know if the other one has even watched S2; she mostly just mentions the show to poke at me: "There's this show called WOT that's like LOTR with women."

Excuse me while I seize this sweet, sweet catharsis and channel it into motivation to actually read all of the Big White Book and the Companion. And I guess *Ravens* for completeness.

The following won't mean anything to y'all. It's just notes to myself so I know who the chart's about:

1. Hates/read: NA-RS?, C-JR, F-JJ, F-BT, F-SC
2. WW/read: C-JG, F-AMF
3. NO/read: F-C1, F-C2, F-DSF, NOTK-?, BKEEN
4. Likes/!read: C-SM, F-JS
5. Hates/!read: NA-KP

Arguments for:

1. Some of the verbiage around the fight to the death with Valda is very reminiscent of the mental state of someone channeling one of their first few times.

2. Channeling is inheritable, and Galad is half-brother to Rand.

Arguments against:

1. Galad's kind of old to be manifesting the spark.

2. The verbiage around the fight with Valda could be more linked to the flame and the void than seizing the Source per se.

Discuss.