People need to pay me more for what I can do with my balls
Gah! Don't people know good art when they see it? Juggling on the side of the road for fifteen minutes should net me AT LEAST four hundred dollars. I was wearing my CIA-enchanted space helmet even, shaped like a rad owl hat and nothing like an actual space helmet, and still all anyone gave was a water bottle; frozen! Which was nice, I guess. It melted and it was very cool and refreshing as I sweat my ass off in the blazing Tempe heat in that fuzzy fucking hat. Yet not one dollar to pay for everything I waste my life partner's money on. Fukken bullshit!
…now, see, that's in character. I originally learned to juggle to get famous and get infinite poon. That's a joke, too. I learned to give myself exposure therapy first and foremost, as that is what good I saw in juggling on an acid trip fourteen or so years ago. But, I've come a long way, learning much, and I now have my educational (f)art project where I play an exaggerated caricature of my past self to help market and facilitate education on philosophy, spirituality, and mental health skills to help people heal n self-actualize, now mostly in writing.
I used to do this in person, sorta. I thought I was a cop. I mean, I'm schizoaffective and have done a drug, so past me was a little ways way tf out there. But, there are people like that even today, and I want to reach them to jump start their recovery. Therein, I've gotten cold feet again because I've been through homelessness and have had my world warped and I don't know what I'm going to do with positive reception now that I am an improved, socialized, only-kinda-insane version of that throbbing histrionic narcissist I started this post regaling you in the vestige of.
Gotta go out and be authentic. That's hard. I've always put a mask on, so to speak. Now I have to be vulnerable. I didn't have a love life or social life outside my drinking team with a running problem for much of my youth because I was terrified of my abandonment issues. My mom died from an AIDS-related ear infection early on in my life. It wasn't pretty. I got hurt pretty bad and never healed right. Until this past stretch, at least to this point. And now I got to let my final barrier down and let myself be seen in my entirety.
It's gunna be hard, being so awkward. But I'm gunna do it. I've done it before, getting out there when there was no certainty to anything. I learned. Well, if I am to be the best teacher, I must become the best learner. Not student, well, maybe of the universe, but I gotta become more independent and get through the hard moments so I can reap my own reward. That much I know, and now with both knowledge and faith, I'm going to go be who I was meant to be. Which is some idiot spaz juggling in the city.
