I've found the time to work through these two books this month ... I wanted a refresher in case I got rusty or wasn't considering something important.

I realised about halfway through Slut that I'd read a previous version a long time ago. At that time I was fresh into the idea of good poly, and some of it I recognised as things I do, so I must have absorbed some info at the time.

Reading it now, though, both books are intensely focussed on an outlook of poly and kink that feels old fashioned and intensely American to me. There were some good tips, but to be honest it felt like half the content was self congratulation.

Of course, it's possible that to a newbie poly person in the US Slut might be just the thing they need, but I personally wouldn't recommend it to others.

Any thoughts?

A couple of weeks ago a woman I love moved a long way away ... we only met 6 weeks before that, yet it wasn't a whirlwind romance. She's terrible at communicating remotely, so we won't ever have a long term relationship.

My spouse has lifted my spirits a lot, and reminded me that I'll always carry her in my heart. I'm happy to have had this experience, even if I'm still feeling a sense of loss over it every day as well.

So ... who else out there has had that sort of short but sweet romance? What was it like?

I realized I was poly around 2 years ago. For most of the time since then, I was with a partner that wanted to be poly, but just wasn't. Since breaking up, I've had a few hookups with a coworker, but didn't feel like continuing with them.

I currently have crushes on at least 4 different people, but I don't know how to do anything about them. I doubt most of them are open to polyamory, and I'm scared of seeming like a creep. What situations is it even ok to ask someone out?

So I'm completely new to this and this is a recent self discovery, but I've been in a monogamous relationship for 18 years. I was married to him for 11 of those years, but a couple years ago, I started feeling trapped and was starting to fall for other people and we just stopped getting along for a while so I decided I wanted to call it off both for his sake and mine. I learned a lot about myself in the time we were separated and I'm still learning. We got divorced and then, after some time, I started falling for him again because we had both been working on ourselves and we were still on good terms, but now I have a problem. I'm falling for another guy while also loving my current partner. My current partner knows because I opened up to him about it, but he doesn't want me to pursue anyone else. He wants to stay monogamous and I understand that he's scared, but I feel like I've got a hole in my life. I love my partner, I love this life I have, but I have so much more to give and I wanna share this life with another. I don't really know what to do or how to stop feeling this way

(Update) I won't be responding to this anymore. I got a few helpful responses, but I'm tired of the people who think the worst of me for loving 2 people. Thank you to those who did help

I have a friend who is HIV positive and was distressed when turned down sex with someone they have a sexual history with because they joined a polycule that as a rule don't allow members to have sex with anyone with HIV.

Wondering what the thoughts are here about that.

cross-posted from: https://slrpnk.net/post/24043159

In the video essay I previously posted - what even IS hierarchy? - by AnRel, AnRel(they/she) claims that there are (among others) prescriptive and descriptive hierarchies in non-monogamous relationship networks. From what I understood:

• Prescriptive means things like primary/secondary, marriage etc where one relationship might have power over the other relationship via agreements, enforcing rules, vetos etc. This seemingly results in a hierarchy that works through power (one of the 3 main components of hierarchy they propose)

• Descriptive means putting current structures of relating into words, kinda describing what the current state is (like "I have 2 anchor partners, I spend X amount of time with them, one is also my nesting partner, I also have a comet)" so people are able to choose if they want to enter a relationship with these existing dynamics. They argue, that there is still a hierarchy in play, this time on the axis of priority (another on of the 3 main components of hierarchy they propose). So some relationships have prioritized access to ressources / time / attention etc.

• The part of the video I am talking about starts at 14:30

AnRel seemed to be opposed to both kinds of hierarchy. While I can easily understand and actively try to dismantle the first one, the second one - "descriptive hierarchy" - is something I can see in my, its hard for me to see how its a negative / authoritarian thing. I struggle to see ways to dismantle it, how it would look without this kind of "ranking of priorities" and how I & my relationship would benefit from it.

Anyone here has some experience to share / opinions on this?

my gf is okay with us being in an open relationship and I have a crush on a guy!! so I can live the ultimate bi fantasy if he likes me back hehe :3

Made it onto hackernews, what do people think?

I recently read Fledgling, by Octavia E. Butler. It's a book kind of about vampires, but not really about vampires.

The minute I started reading it it engrossed me in a way that hasn't happened in a while. It's very compelling writing. It begins with the main character, a young woman, waking up with amnesia, which is amnesia for us, the reader, as well. We find things out slowly and at the same pace as she does. Something bad has happened and she has to figure out what it is and what to do about it.

This isn't a book about polyamory, but there is a strong polyamory storyline in it. The woman takes on partners and the group of them have to learn to become a family. It's very beautiful and sensitive. The woman is the matriarch of the family, and is responsible for her partners' well-being.

Because she is not human -- and her partners are -- it's natural, I think, for the reader to identify more closely with her partners. I did. And that led to some interesting feelings. I am a cis man and in real life I am always the... well... dominant one in the relationship? I guess that'd be the way to put it, though my partners might have something to say about that wording. = ) I dunno.

But reading this book I got the chance to identify with a more dependent person, her human partners. I got to feel in some way what it's like to have someone else set the agenda, someone else find a home, someone else be the protector, etc, etc... it's a feeling I don't get very often.

Butler does a really good job in this book exploring the relationship between those with power and those who are more vulnerable, the strong and the less strong. Along with that, she necessarily shows what consent looks like in that dynamic. When someone has power over another, it's often not as simple as checking the "yes" box.

Like I said, this isn't a book about polyamory. If you pick this up and the back cover doesn't interest you then I wouldn't bother reading it. But if you like sci-fi and think you might enjoy this story, definitely read it. It's a fresh take on the genre and the writing is outstanding. And, for me, being able to put myself in someone else's shoes for a while is what makes for great reading.

Anybody else catch Tyler The Creator is polyamorous based off his new album? Or am I just an old white cracker and just found this out? Album is fire I'm probably gonna listen to it a bunch tomorrow.

I saw the movie Bros last night. Hilarious! I've been in meetings just like the ones the museum board has.

And apropos this community, the poly moments were so spot on. (In a laughing-with-you-not-at-you kind of way.)

For privacy sake, I'm changing names into cheeses.

So I've been with my nesting partner (Cheddar) for about 2ish years, living together for most of it. She's wonderful, she's thoughtful, and she means the world to me.

About 6 months ago I met someone really cool (Swiss). We hit it off immediately and things have been great, except for one thing. Unfortunately I happened to meet her during a time when my relationship with Cheddar had a fair bit of turmoil, so unsurprisingly Cheddar reacted with a lot of insecurity and jealousy. The first night I hung out with Swiss we ended up getting in a huge fight. From there on, anytime I even mentioned Swiss all the energy was sucked out of the room.

I did my best to make sure I was moving forward with Swiss slowly, and did my best to try and bear Cheddar's feelings in mind. She still felt like I was putting more effort into this new relationship than I to my relationship with her. To her credit, I was absolutely far from perfect. I definitely didn't communicate how things were going between me and Swiss very well, to the point that Cheddar felt like I had stepped over a big boundary.

Fast forward to about 3 weeks ago: I've been head over heels in love with Swiss since July, but had been putting off prompting the partner conversation for the sake of Cheddar's feelings. It was my last chance to see Swiss for over a month, because she was about to do a bunch of traveling, and I decided I had put things off for long enough.

I tell Cheddar I'm going to ask Swiss to be my partner that night, and Cheddar reacts super negatively. She says something to the effect of "We're moving soon, your work schedule just changed dramatically and now I have to get used to having a metamore on top of that? It feels like too much is changing all at once."

To her credit, Cheddar later texted me to encourage me to have the conversation anyway, but by then I had already decided not to. "After all, even if Cheddar gives her blessing it's still going to hurt" I thought "Better just wait till Swiss is done traveling. Cheddar is right, and in her position I probably wouldn't like all of those changes all at once either."

Fast forward once again, but to last week. We're in the new apartment and slowly unpacking. Swiss has been out of town for awhile, and still has a week or two before I'll get to see her in person. Cheddar has been seeing someone (Gouda) for a couple of months. One night Gouda tells Cheddar "we need to talk". They hang out next chance they get, and Cheddar comes home to tell me "So, you have a new metamore."

It fucking sucks, and the timing could not be worse. I feel like I've just been consumed with jealousy. Watching her do all the things I've been holding myself back from for months: Coming home with hoodies, or hickeys. Spending entire days with the new partner. Nothing unreasonable in and of itself, but all stuff I've denied myself with Swiss for the sake of Cheddar's feelings. In the meantime I won't even get to see Swiss in person for another week. It certainly doesn't help, that because of my new work schedule I've had a lot less time to spend with Cheddar, and a lot of what I do have has coincided with her only opportunities to hang out with Gouda.

Last night we talked about it and Cheddar asked me "Do you want me to put things on hold, atleast till Swiss gets back?"

It feels like I'm being so unfair, but I said yes. Like, why should Cheddar have to put her relationship on hold, just because my other romantic interest is out of town? A lot of the things I've been holding myself back from weren't even explicitly requested by Cheddar, just the sort of thing that usually sets off her jealousy.

This morning Cheddar told Gouda "I need to take a step back for a little while for my partner's sake" and apparently Gouda didn't take it very well. She isn't talking to Cheddar at all at the moment. I feel like a fucking monster.

I don't know. Am I being unreasonable? Am I being unfair?

In this dream, I quickly poly-saturated myself, then added everyone to the same group chat, and chaos ensued.

The problem was not that I hadn't cleared the whole poly thing with everyone beforehand. Dream me is apparently at least that much of a stand-up dude...

And no, the big problem wasn't that I had done this before I had introduced everyone in person (apparently, this isn't a part of dream me's dynamic, who knew)...

No, the biggest problem was that I did so via some sort of WORK SYSTEM, AND NOW IT'S AN HR PROBLEM OHMYGOD

So, my fiance and I have for quite awhile come to terms with us being poly, primarily myself but she is cool with it.

Thing is, we've been together for 13 years now, are getting married soon, and while we have agreed that if we ever met someone we clicked with, we also have come to terms with the fact it feels like that won't actually ever happen.

We're both very introverted and keep to ourselves. We aren't actually party goers, and the wildest nights we have are the extremely rare night where we host a board game night with like, maybe 4 friends. And that's a "rager" for us, comparatively.

We've looked into some dating apps but the results are... abysmal. Non starter really.

And since we are both so far along in our life together, it feels more and more like it would be impossible to "Fairly" include another person anyways. They'd forever be "second" in that me and my fiance have thirteen (and counting) years of history, whereas the new person would be starting completely fresh. That doesn't seem like it could ever work anyways, no matter how hard we tried right?

We've talked at length about this and agreed that it just doesn't seem like it could even work, despite us wanting it to, and that we're sorta just gonna have to be cool with being monogamous poly, which is weird but I dunno how else to describe it.

The only situation I've considered that would work is if it was another couple that both of us click with both of them, and everyone vibes with each other in every direction, which then means at least everyone has someone else they have history with, and someone else that is new, which feels more like now everyone is on "equal" footing if you will, removing that feeling of imbalance.

But then of course we have to confront the fact that the odds of two people finding two other people and everyone vibing with everyone else is... well incredibly low. And when I say vibing I'm talking "we want to have a close committed intimate and romantic relationship" level.

So, I guess I wanted to send out some feelers on if any other folks are in this sort of state, how are you navigating it, how do you feel about it, lets talk about this sort of state.

Something to noodle on:

Is it morally wrong to try and initiate a poly relationship with a third person, when the other 2 people have a "fallback" of each other, such that the third person forever will be subjected to the 2v1 power imbalance, that if things broke down the 2 would quick the third out, forever putting them at a disadvantage?

Cuz, personally, I feel like I can't morally subject someone to that myself, I'd forever feel "off" about putting another person (no matter how willing) into that position, it feels... wrong.

My partner's partner,

Drives me crazy,

Whirlwind of need,

Driving in and driving out,

Driving me in, driving me out.

I don't know what to do about,

About this partner,

Breath in, breathe out,

Stick it out.

My extended polycule is vast(as they tend to be), but the core "family unit" of us consists of around 5-7 people. In that group, we're fairly kitchen table, and are planning to move in together this year. (Yippee!!)

Recently we started sharing services here and there. Google play games family accounts, and AI Chat subscriptions.

What other services are out there that you've shared with family and/or polycule members to save on money?