Sidebar Update

Our sidebar here at c/BestofInternetUpdates now includes links (they go to lemmy.world's search) to sort your posts. You can now sort by the location tags and the story tags. This isn't quite as well done as reddit, it's essentially going to the community typing the tag in the search bar and searching "title only." So you're able to do this yourself as well.

Here is what they look like in the sidebar:

Post Sorting

::: spoiler Sort by Location Tag

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We try to use tags because we're aware not everyone wants to see Reddit content. If you are one of those people, each post copied from Reddit will include a [Reddit] tag at the end. If you see these, you're welcome to keep scrolling.

Reddit is not the only place on the internet we allow sourcing from. Basically any type of story update made by a user is allowed here as long as that website allows reposting. Some websites like Ask a Manager and Captain Awesome, have some requirements for reposting (don't repost their responses, link back instead). So if you're posting from a site that has these requests, please follow their rules for reposting.

Posting Rules Update

We did some minor updates to our Posting Guidelines Please check them out before you decide to make a post. The comments on the post even includes a copy and paste template if you wish to contribute to the community. It makes it easier to just replace the titles, dates, and stories with your own and not have to worry about markdown formatting.

Please note if you're looking for a copy and paste template, it's in the comments.

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Step 1:

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Title Format:

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• Examples:
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  • [Ongoing] I think I need to break up with my gf [Fedi:Lemmy]
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In Addition:

Certain topics such as divorce, cheating or posts dealing with revenge, retaliation or hostility may have a higher bar for submission. Sensitive or grim content may be removed. You should also avoid injecting personal opinion or bias into the post. These are better saved for the comment section. Editor's notes are okay, but should be clearly labeled as such.

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Example:

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Title: [Concluded] Title Name [Reddit] (title of actual post)

Title: Title Name - Thank you u/username1 for compiling the original BoRU

I am NOT OP. OP is Reddit user: u/username

Originally Posted to: Reddit's r/subredditname Jan 01, 2020

Trigger Warning: ::: spoiler spoiler Violence, Pregnancy Loss, Divorce :::

Editor's Note: Optional Editors note if you had to condense anything, original pictures are missing, some updates are no longer recoverable etc.

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Original Post: Jan 01, 2020

Paragraph one. Post text here.

Paragraph two. Post text here.

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Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Comment Text

OOP: Comment Response

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Update #1: Mar 01, 2020

Paragraph one. Post text here.

Paragraph two. Post text here.

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Update #2: Dec 01, 2020

Paragraph one. Post text here.

Paragraph two. Post text here.

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Do not comment on any linked posts or message the OOP

This is a repost community, I am not OP!

I am not the OOP, this is a repost community.

OOP is: u/kaitkaitlynlyn Originally posted to: r/legaladvice

::: spoiler Trigger Warning stealthing, sexual assault, sex worker, loss of a child, manipulation, coercion, lies and deceit :::

Editors Note: This is a LONG one, in a news article and only parts 1 and 2 of 5 are out. You may want to save this for when all 5 parts are released.

Here is a link to part 1 if you'd prefer to read it in it's original format with all the images intact. There are several screenshots of text messages that may be interesting to most people. I would recommend ad block though. Below is the original Reddit post that got us to this news article.

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Original Post

2023

So I was dating this man for around 2 years when we decided to have a baby. We tracked my ovulation schedule and finally got pregnant. He ghosted me 2 months before my due date and I ended up having my child a month early. I have not heard from him since my child was born 10 months ago, with the exception of a text stating that he did not believe the child was his.

Fast forward and I came into contact with other women that he has done this to through a Facebook group. My child has 4 known siblings and there are 3 open child support cases against this man. One of the mothers received the dna results for her child and it said that he was not the father. She knew that he was the father so she ordered an Ancestry DNA kit and ran the kit on her child. The test results came back and connected her child with this man’s immediate family. She took that evidence to her state appointed attorney and her attorney requested that the test be retaken through their facility. The paternal father opposed and fought it in court.

He was not there because he was “in Greece for work” so he had his attorney represent him to argue why he shouldn’t have to take another DNA test. The other mother’s attorney stated that he had taken the test at a labcorp 150 miles from his home before he was even ordered to take it and consistently requested that the state accept that sample in place of him going through DDC. Her attorney finally authorized it because it was through a reputable company. However, the suspicions surrounding the case should call for a new court ordered DNA test through DDC.

His attorney argued that the paternal father shouldn’t have to take another test and that he took the test at that specific location due to being there for work. He then proceeded to defend the paternal father by saying that these are highly offensive allegations but that the paternal party was willing to take another test through ddc and he actually had went and paid for one through DDC “with his own money.” He continued to say that all the mother had to do was to bring her child to the facility to get tested. He then showed the judge a copy of where he had scheduled a test.

The other mother’s attorney objected and stated that her client has severe anxiety about that and that her client would pay for the new test to be done at one of the state designated facilities. The judge agreed and now he has to retake a new dna test through DDC but now the mother is paying for it.

His attorney panicked and ran up to the judge frantically waving the paper saying that he had already paid for the test and that his name would already be in the system and the judge did not care and said that her ruling was final.

After leaving the court room, his attorney passed the other mother and I in the hallway and the other mother stated “You should know more about your client.” And he responded by yelling “I KNOW MY CLIENT.” He then proceeded to walk aggressively down the hall, punching the air and saying “I know that’s not his baby!!!” He was making an absolute ass out of himself to the extent to where people were laughing at him. I feel like he knows the truth and that’s why his attorney reacted that way.

The test has not yet been scheduled but I worry that he’s going to bribe someone on this one as well being as he has ALOT of money. We have stacks of evidence against him and all of our children look very veryyyyyyy similar. What should I do? He has not yet been served for my child’s case but I’m concerned that he will do the same thing to me. What are the consequences of falsifying a dna test? Will I even be able to receive child support if this man is incarcerated?

It’s all tooooooo much

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Update

Oct 12, 2026

Just an update on a previous post where I was seeking legal advice regarding my son’s biological father submitting a falsified dna test to the court. The Dallas News is running a series about it that began releasing this morning. I feel anxious but validated.

Location: Dallas, Texas News Article Here

Editor's Note I believe there's a post in between that I'm missing where OP shows what happened to her.

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The News

Part 1

She was 22 and still mourning a pair of losses: her 3-month-old son, to sudden infant death syndrome, and her partner, to murder. Spiraling, she transitioned from exotic dancing to working as an escort.

When she said a man named Gary contacted her through one of her escort ads, she viewed it as an opportunity. They made arrangements to meet at his house in Mandeville, a suburb of New Orleans situated on the north shore of Lake Pontchartrain.

Nadia wasn’t intending to have sex with Gary that night. They had negotiated a price of $500, but they never agreed to anything specific. Still, she stowed a condom in her bra.

When Nadia arrived, Gary offered her a drink. She happily accepted.

Gary — who would later move to Dallas and split time between there and New Orleans — talked about his travels and work. Nadia shared what had happened with her son and partner.

As the night progressed and Nadia grew more intoxicated, she decided it would be beneficial to take Gary on as a client. He seemed cool, like he had his life together. And he wasn’t bad looking, either. Nadia said Gary told her he couldn’t use the condom because he was allergic to latex.

During sex, Nadia said Gary asked three times if he could ejaculate inside of her. Each time, she said no. The third time, she said, he did it anyway. As Nadia drove home to New Orleans, she said she received a text. It was from Gary.

“We’re about to go half on a baby.”

The saga of Gary Alton Matthews Jr.

This is much more than the story of one woman’s bad sexual encounter. What Gary had done to her, he had done before, Nadia would learn, and he would do it again. There were other women with stories similar to hers — not only in Louisiana, but also in North Texas.

Over the next six years, she would discover at least six other women who felt betrayed by him, leading to contentious legal disputes — some of which are still playing out in courtrooms from Dallas to Phoenix to Covington, La.

The saga of Gary Alton Matthews Jr., full of twists and turns, is not just a tale of salacious deceit. This is a story about a pattern of behavior that left a trail of financial hardship, abandoned children and broken homes in its wake. This is a story about a group of women who banded together, after enduring shame and shock, to advocate for themselves and their children.

It is a story about the limits of the family court system, which allowed one well-resourced man to evade accountability through the employ of private DNA tests, high-priced attorneys, the concealment of assets and what government attorneys in Texas and Louisiana contend is perjury and fraud. It’s about wasted taxpayer dollars, missed opportunities and unserved justice.

The legal cases against Gary are outliers but also emblematic of broader problems in the family court system. Relatively few cases involve years of contentious litigation or allegations of fraud, as Gary’s did, or result in hundreds of thousands of dollars being owed. Still, his cases illustrate challenges confronted by so many other Texas mothers who pursue and are owed child support in a state that collects more of it than any other, through a court system that is slow to react and favors those who can afford legal representation.

Through his attorney, Gary declined to speak with The Dallas Morning News. His version of events is largely represented through his testimony contained in nearly 4,900 pages of court records, as well as messages and emails shared with The News by nine of his former partners.

‘Lost dog’

Nadia didn’t want to have a baby with a man she had just met. A man who, she said, after that first text, had asked if she was ovulating. Her intuition told her that something about the situation was off. As a precaution, Nadia took Plan B.

What she didn’t know was that she was, in fact, already ovulating. Plan B temporarily delays ovulation but isn’t effective when an egg has already been released. Two weeks later, a faint line appeared on a home pregnancy test. When Nadia shared the news with Gary, he asked her what she wanted to do. She said she wanted to end the pregnancy.

Nadia said he agreed to send her money for an abortion, but he preferred that she keep the baby. She said he told her he really wanted to be a father. They could develop a relationship. He would be there for the baby. Nadia thought about the baby boy she had lost, who never had the chance to live. Maybe, she thought, having this baby could become a catalyst to better her life.

Around Father’s Day, Nadia agreed to go to dinner with Gary. Already, she said, he acted as if they were in a relationship. That night, they slept together again. When Nadia woke the next morning, she said Gary wasn’t in the bedroom. As she went to put her clothes back on, she said she saw something on the floor next to the bed. It was a pair of women’s underwear, size small. They weren’t hers.

Without speaking to Gary, she left.

When he texted, asking where she went, Nadia told him to check the side of his bed. She said Gary responded with a long text. He was an upstanding man, he said. The underwear, he said, belonged to a cousin who would house sit while he was out of town.

As the pregnancy progressed, Nadia struggled to reach Gary. When he finally responded, she said, he told her he was in Africa and could file for child support after the baby was born. Nadia wasn’t buying that story. She drove by his house in Mandeville. She could see he was home.

Nadia assumed he would be. She had already printed out a stack of homemade flyers. They included a picture of Gary under the title “LOST DOG.”

The flyer read, in part: “Spends a lot of time prowling the internet for escorts. Has a fetish for intentionally getting women pregnant. Acts like he wants to be involved and then goes non responsive. Lies constantly.” Nadia taped one to Gary’s door. She put others on a stop sign and in the neighbors’ mailboxes.

A private paternity test

Nadia gave birth to a baby girl in January 2021 in New Orleans. She filed for child support from her hospital bed.

Over the next year, the case proceeded slowly. Nadia moved on with her life, and so did Gary. A few months after the baby’s birth, he purchased a townhome in Dallas and began splitting his time between Texas and Louisiana. A few months after that, Nadia moved with the baby to Florida.

He did not respond to the court’s summons to establish his paternity and child support obligations. Nadia began contacting Gary’s family members, one of whom suggested a DNA test. That would prove to be anything but simple.

Nadia and Gary exchanged a series of heated messages. The paternity case couldn’t proceed, Nadia told him, until he responded to the court. By August 2022, Gary still had not responded to the court. A judge entered a default judgment legally recognizing Gary as the father.

Two months later, Gary visited a Labcorp location — but not in New Orleans or Dallas, where he spent the majority of his time. He flew to Houston, where a collector at a location on North Gessner Road swabbed the inside of his cheek. She also took Gary’s thumbprint, reviewed his driver’s license and passport and took his photo. Gary listed his home address as the Dallas townhome.

The following day, Gary’s attorney, Donald Rose, contacted the Department of Children & Family Services, which enforced child support for the state of Louisiana. Because of a procedural error, the default judgment was vacated, and Gary would now be allowed to contest his paternity. Rose requested that the department test the DNA sample Gary had just provided in Houston.

The request was received by Maria Treffinger, a longtime attorney with DCFS who litigated child support cases. Treffinger would ultimately become intricately involved in Gary’s legal battles with the mothers of his children.

Treffinger emailed Rose back to tell him the department preferred all testing be completed through DNA Diagnostics Center, commonly known as DDC, the laboratory exclusively contracted to perform testing for the state. The lab ensured neutral collection of samples and a strict chain of custody for legally admissible test results.

That would not be convenient for his client, Rose replied; Gary now lived in Texas and would be working in Toronto for several months.

After exchanging a series of calls and emails with Rose, Treffinger relented, reluctantly. The state would use the Labcorp sample collected in Houston.

Three samples from two different labs — Nadia and her daughter’s from DDC, and Gary’s from Labcorp — were merged. In March 2023, more than two years after Nadia’s daughter was born, the paternity results were in. There was a 0% chance, they showed, that Gary was the father of Nadia’s child.

Turning to Ancestry

On Instagram, Gary sent Nadia a screenshot of the paternity test. The series of accompanying messages was gleeful, and gloating.

“DNA proves you’re delusional,” he wrote, with a crying laughing emoji. “Now it’s my turn to get compensated on your defamation.”

“Maybe you should actually go find your baby daddy instead of stalking me. A restraining and protective order will be sent your way soon.”

“Move on with your life. Remove any content or stupid s--- you put out about me and go live your life. If you continue to harass or defame me, I’m going to tie you up in court and take hundreds of thousands from you.”

Nadia was stunned.

“SO HOWD YA MANAGE THAT ONE GARY?” she messaged back, adding that she planned to dispute the results. “There is absolutely NO WAY she’s not your child.”

“What’d you do? Pay someone off? Slip someone else’s dna into a tube in your mouth or sum?”

Again and again, Gary sent Nadia the paternity test results.

At one point, Nadia recalls Gary saying something that puzzled her: No matter what she thought or did, a DNA test would never identify him as the father.

The phrasing confused Nadia. What on earth, she wondered, did that mean?

Nadia called Treffinger. She knew it sounded crazy — and she didn’t know how Gary had managed it — but it was impossible for anyone else to be the father of her child. Please, Nadia asked, couldn’t the state conduct another test? Treffinger respectfully listened to Nadia’s concerns, but Nadia got the impression that taking her call was a courtesy. After all, Treffinger told her, Gary had taken the test. The results spoke for themselves.

Nadia refused to accept them. She ordered a DNA test from Ancestry, the genealogy website. Within days, it was on her doorstep. Obtaining a DNA sample from her 2-year-old was no easy task. Somehow, she managed to get her daughter’s saliva into the test tube.

A few weeks later, Nadia logged onto her account to check the results. The first thing she noticed: Gary’s half-sister shared 11% of her DNA with her daughter. There was more: Relatives with Gary’s last name and his mother’s maiden name also showed up as familial matches.

Nadia sent screenshots of the results to Gary. He responded with a crying-laughing emoji.

“I wasn’t going to sue you for defamation but I will now,” he wrote back. “I’m not kin to any of those people.”

Nadia also emailed the screenshots to Treffinger, who called her.

The testing process, Treffinger acknowledged, had been highly unusual. It had been handled outside of the court’s normal procedures due to what she called pressure from Gary’s attorney. She would request another test. Treffinger filed a motion with the court in June 2023. The paternity results were not the only thing that caused Nadia to doubt Gary’s truthfulness. There was much more that he was hiding.

‘You won’t get a penny’

The same year Nadia met Gary, a single mother in New Orleans connected with him online. After a few months of exchanging messages, they met in person and began seeing each other.

For months, the woman — who asked The News not to identify her due to fear of retaliation and to protect the identity of her child — said she believed she had developed a close friendship with Gary. The News verified her account through a review of court records and other public records, text messages and emails and other interviews. He bought the woman’s child an expensive gift and brought her on an international trip.

Early on, the woman, who was in her 30s, said Gary told her he wanted to go “half on a baby” with her, a reference to an R. Kelly lyric. She said they both were open to having children. The summer of 2021 — around the same time Nadia’s child support case was opened — the woman found out she was pregnant. She told Gary. Suddenly, she said, he disappeared. She said he stopped talking to her on all platforms.

Embarrassed, she hid the pregnancy from her family for seven months. All that time, she still hadn’t heard from Gary. Before she gave birth, she sent out baby shower invitations to his parents. They did not respond or attend. The woman gave birth in New Orleans in May 2022. It was a girl. The new mother sent out a birth announcement.

A few months later, still having not heard from Gary, she texted him, asking him to send her $700 a month to support their daughter until she was in pre-kindergarten. When Gary didn’t respond, she told him she intended to file for child support. This time, he responded. He told her he had moved to Toronto and suggested the child was not his. He was also angry she had sent the baby shower invitations and birth announcement to his parents.

“I promise you if you go to the courts you won’t get a penny from me,” he wrote to her. “Don’t threaten me I’m not the one.”

“When you make a baby you have to be at least financially responsible for them,” the mother replied. “Yea it’s your choice to pretend they don’t exist but legally it doesn’t matter how many lawyers or accountants you have it is your obligation to support. That’s how it works I don’t make the rules.”

Within a week, Gary texted he was contacting the police and would be suing her for defamation. He also threatened to seek full custody of their daughter.

“You got me pregnant knowing I was a low income single mother just to do this?” the woman wrote back to Gary. “To destroy me? But why? I don’t understand you at all.”

“Continue messaging me,” he replied, “and I’ll make sure you don’t ever work again when I expose what you did to me!”

“Why would (you) want custody over our child,” the mother asked, “when you haven’t even met her, don’t even know her name or birthday?”

In the spring of 2023, a case to establish Gary’s paternity of the woman’s daughter was opened.

A few months earlier, the woman had grown suspicious. Using information that Gary had shared with her, along with social media and public records, the woman began investigating his background. She reached out to women who she thought might have had Gary’s children, too, and posted about him in private dating groups on Facebook. Most of the mothers were from Texas and Louisiana.

Ultimately, the woman said she connected with more than 20 women who said Gary had tried to get them pregnant. At least eight had become pregnant. Seven gave birth.

One of those women was Nadia. Nadia’s first conversation with the other New Orleans mother was validating. It was a relief to talk with someone who not only believed her story, but had lived it, too.

Nadia’s daughter had at least five other half-siblings — with another on the way. Two of the children would share a birthday. Two of the mothers had the same name. Five would eventually file for child support. Nadia wondered how many more women, and children, might be out there.

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The News: 2

Part 2

On his online dating profiles, he listed his qualities: a high net worth, a tall and athletic build, an advanced education. To his partners, he presented himself as a successful professional, savvy business owner and aspiring family man. He didn’t have children, he would tell them, but he said he deeply wanted them.

Gary wore expensive clothes and frequented upscale bars and restaurants. He drove sports cars and Teslas. He owned nicely furnished homes in Dallas and the New Orleans area. He traveled regularly to domestic and foreign destinations.

The Dallas Morning News spoke to nine of Gary’s former partners, including seven who said they gave birth to his children. They said the persona he had crafted didn’t tell the whole story.

The full truth, they said, was much deeper, and darker. Through his attorney, Gary declined to comment for this story.

A distinct pattern

Gary Alton Matthews Jr. 40, was born March 22, 1986.

Growing up, he was known as “Lil Gary” by his family. He was the oldest of three boys. Later, they would be joined by two half-siblings.

When Gary was 13, his family moved from Virginia to the New Orleans area.

Less than two years later, his parents went through a divorce. Gary and his brothers initially lived with his mother and attended Warren Easton Fundamental Senior High School in New Orleans. He later moved in with his father in Greensburg and graduated from Destrehan High School.

Gary was a strong student. He played defensive back in football and second base in baseball. He attended the University of New Orleans, studying biological sciences.

In 2016, Gary bought a house in Mandeville. In 2021, he sold that house and bought a duplex in New Orleans. He moved into one half of the duplex and made preparations to rent out the other side. That same year, he purchased a townhome in Dallas south of downtown.

Gary flew between New Orleans and Dallas multiple times a month. In April 2018, Gary incorporated a private consulting company, Gary Matthews Healthcare Consulting LLC. He told the women he dated that he worked with hospitals on the management of their electronic medical record systems. Five years later, he would transfer that business to his Dallas address.

By 2020, Gary was dating online in the New Orleans area. At least five women said he began dating or sleeping with them that year.

Online, Gary crafted numerous aliases on dating apps and social media profiles. At different times, the women who dated him said he went by Mr. Grey, Philippe Laurent, and, most recently, Paris Matthews. He was active on Instagram and Facebook.

By the end of 2023, the women who said they’d given birth to Gary’s children had connected after one mother investigated Gary’s background and posted about him in private dating groups.

Most of the children — who the mothers say bear a striking resemblance to Gary — were born within a two-year period. Three were born within a few months of each other in 2022. Two were born on the same day, one year apart. Courts in Texas and Louisiana legally confirmed paternity in the four cases in which testing was completed.

Gary followed a similar pattern in his relationships, according to interviews with the nine former partners.

Gary would meet women online. Sometimes it was through mainstream dating apps such as Hinge or Bumble; other times it was through an escort ad or SeekingArrangement, a sugar baby website. Sometimes the relationship was casual. Sometimes it was transactional. Other times the women believed they were in a relationship.

He would arrange dates at his houses in New Orleans and Dallas, and at bars and restaurants in those cities. Gary’s appearance was distinctive — his boyish face was offset by black curls that were prematurely shot through with gray.

Gary seemed dedicated to his work. He talked about his frequent business travel, which he said included flying to different hospitals across the country. It was not unusual for him to be unavailable in person or by text for significant stretches of time.

Early on, the women said, Gary would share his desire to get married and become a father. He might tell a woman that he’d dreamt of her becoming pregnant. Often, he would joke about “going half on a baby,” a reference to an R. Kelly song. He would encourage family planning, asking about ovulation timing and birth control. At his New Orleans duplex, he showed several women a room he thought would work well for a nursery. He didn’t like to wear condoms. Three women said he ejaculated in them without their permission.

If a woman became pregnant, the tenor of the relationship would shift. Gary, those women said, became busy, distant, standoffish. Texts would go unanswered.

According to texts, messages and court records reviewed by The News, Gary would abruptly announce that, not only had he moved to another state, but he was working abroad — Africa, the Middle East, South America or Japan. There might also be a story about a family or health crisis that needed his attention. It was no longer a good time, he would say, to have a baby.

Sometimes, according to texts and interviews, he would suggest abortion. If that didn’t work, he would employ a different strategy.

Maybe the baby, he would say, wasn’t actually his. The women said Gary made it clear they were on their own.

A relationship falls apart

Katlyn Vlasak said Gary followed that pattern closely in his relationship with her.

Katlyn said she began dating Gary in New Orleans in early 2020, when she was 27, after meeting him on Bumble. They dated for more than a year. Katlyn believed they were in an exclusive relationship.

Early on, she said, Gary expressed the desire for children. They had conversations about the importance of bringing them into the world under the right circumstances.

Having children had never been a part of Katlyn’s plans. When she was a child, both of her parents were in the military, and her dad was frequently deployed. Katlyn had acutely felt their absence. She didn’t want to repeat their parenting mistakes in her own life.

Katlyn remained on the fence. She might consider it, for the right person. She thought Gary might be that person. She thought he was charismatic, and he clearly made good money. He took care of her.

Katlyn found out she was pregnant in mid-2021. She was surprised. She had still been taking her birth control pills every day. Maybe, she thought, it was a sign this was meant to be. Katlyn wondered if Gary might propose.

Katlyn’s hopes soon deflated as she struggled to get in touch with Gary to share the news of the pregnancy. She put together a gift bag that included a baby onesie and the positive pregnancy test. When she went to give it to him, no one answered the door, so she left it on his doorstep.

Later, she said she received a text from Gary, who told her his brother had found the gift bag. There was no excitement. There was no proposal. Instead, she said, he wrote to her that it wasn’t a good time.

Katlyn said Gary told her his aunt had been diagnosed with cancer. He was paying for her treatment. He was also paying for his sister’s tuition at Xavier University. He was now working in Dubai. He would be living there for the foreseeable future.

He shared his credit card information with Katlyn and told her to use it to pay for an abortion. She wrote it down on a slip of paper. It was the credit card he used for his business transactions.

She never heard from him again. Katlyn felt her life begin to unravel. Gary might be gone, but her pregnancy — and predicament — were not going anywhere.

Katlyn worked long hours as a bartender. She did not feel as if she could rely on her family for help. She had never intended to become a mother, much less a single mother. In her heart, she knew she could not parent this child, not without the man who had helped create him.

She considered ending the pregnancy like Gary had suggested, but she couldn’t bring herself to do that, either. Katlyn began exploring the idea of adoption. She connected with an agency called Lifelong Adoptions.

Arrangements did not work out with the first two families she spoke with, but she bonded with the third. The couple had strong family support, good jobs and owned their own home. They visited Katlyn in New Orleans and communicated with her daily as her due date approached. Katlyn felt they were the perfect choice.

The adoptive family met Katlyn at a New Orleans hospital when she began experiencing contractions in April 2022. During labor, Katlyn stopped dilating, and the baby’s heart rate dropped, so she underwent a cesarean section. Afterward, she was in agonizing pain, recovering from the dual insults of labor and major abdominal surgery.

Handing off her newborn son to another family, immediately after giving birth, was its own form of agony. Katlyn knew she was making the right decision. It didn’t make the moment any easier.

Finally, Katlyn shared news of the pregnancy with her mother. She hadn’t wanted her mom to confront Gary, try to change her mind about the adoption or become too attached to a baby she did not intend to keep. She didn’t want to tear her mother’s heart out the way she had just torn out her own.

When Katlyn returned home, she had never felt more alone. Nighttime was the worst. For days, she cried herself to sleep. She kept asking herself the same questions. How did this happen? How had this become her life? Wasn’t she smarter than this? She couldn’t help but feel as though Gary had hijacked her life and used her body against her.

Later, she learned she wasn’t the only one. In fact, she was one of at least three Louisiana women who gave birth to Gary’s children in 2022. There was one significant difference in their stories. Gary didn’t know she had gone on to have their baby. She does not know what he might do when he finds out the truth — that, out in the world, he has another child.

Like an SVU episode

Gary Matthews is far from the first man to father multiple children by different women.

In private online dating groups, men who are intent on getting women pregnant are frequent topics of discussion. Some are teenagers or college students. Others are older professionals and prominent members of the community.

Among the most visible are celebrities and public figures such as Elon Musk, who has at least 14 children with four women, and Nick Cannon, who has 12 children with six women. Both men have spoken proudly about fatherhood, the importance of having children and their unconventional families. There have also been cases of fertility doctors using their own sperm instead of that of intended donors to impregnate their patients.

Gary established a more unusual pattern with an inherent tension at its center. He expressed intent in starting a family, many women said, but only up until the moment they fell pregnant. His interest in fatherhood seemed to vanish the moment it became real.

Nadia Sutton, one of the mothers of Gary’s children, didn’t compare him to the Elon Musks or the Nick Cannons of the world. She recognized aspects of his behavior elsewhere.

There is an episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit where a man fathers as many as 47 children in multiple states and countries over the course of a decade. In the season 12 episode, attorney Ken Turner, played by John Stamos, deliberately impregnates a series of women by poking holes in condoms. The detectives on the case call him a reproductive abuser.

Turner tells one of the detectives he is “trying to follow my natural male urge to procreate” and insists he is enriching the women’s lives “with my progeny, and my money.”

“How much time do you spend with your kids?” the detective asks him. “Because it seems to me you spend all of it trying to make more. See, being a father is about support. Not spawn.”

“The only difference,” Nadia said of Stamos’ portrayal, “is he sends a check every month to every child’s mother.”

The desire to get a woman pregnant and the desire to have children with her stem from different psychological impulses, said Justin Lehmiller, a social psychologist specializing in human sexuality and senior research fellow with the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University. Lehmiller, who also hosts the podcast Sex and Psychology, has studied sexual fantasy and authored a textbook on the psychology of human sexuality.

Getting someone pregnant, Lehmiller said, touches on themes of masculinity and virility — a man wanting to spread his seed and genes, thereby perpetuating his likeness and image in the world. Evolutionarily, humans are hardwired to want to pass on their traits through the creation of offspring.

In a survey of more than 4,000 people that Lehmiller conducted for his 2018 book, Tell Me What You Want, 31% of male respondents said they had fantasized about getting someone pregnant. Women, meanwhile, are commonly attracted to men who appear to be financially stable, who can protect and provide.

Wanting to have a child, Lehmiller said, is a deeper and more meaningful desire. That impulse is about nurturing and supporting the growth of another human being. Lehmiller said he cannot diagnose Gary or surmise his motivations. He offered this general observation, based on The News’ reporting.

“It sounds like what we would refer to in this area of work as reproductive coercion,” he said, “where somebody is trying to manipulate another person’s reproductive choices for power, control, validation, or some other personal goal.”

Reproductive coercion, according to the American College of Obstetricians & Gynecologists, includes the explicit attempt to impregnate a woman through pressure, persuasion or by tampering with contraception. It’s one of the most serious betrayals, Lehmiller said, that can occur within a relationship.

In a healthy, supportive relationship, the desire to have a baby and start a family together is often a positive sign of a relationship’s strength. When that pregnancy is achieved through reproductive coercion, it undermines that idea, said Karen Trister Grace, an assistant professor at George Mason University’s School of Nursing.

Lehmiller sees a parallel between Gary’s behavior and the growing prevalence of online romance scams, which involve creating a deep connection under false pretenses. While dating apps can work incredibly well for some people, Lehmiller said, they can also provide a new avenue for those who are looking to exploit and take advantage of others. As with any scam, Lehmiller said, it’s common for victims to feel intense shame and embarrassment.

His ‘thing’

Rosalyn Lillard felt like she narrowly escaped the shame and embarrassment felt by some of the mothers of Gary’s children.

Rosalyn said she began seeing Gary in 2016 in Pittsburgh, after meeting him on SeekingArrangement, a sugar baby website. On his profile, she said, his name was listed as “Suit & Ties.” Gary was in town for work. She remembers his profile indicating he was looking for a relationship, not an escort.

At the time, she was in her mid-20s and sleeping on a mattress in her mother’s dining room. The idea of entering a sugar baby arrangement seemed attractive. The second time Gary picked her up from her mother’s house, she said he handed her $350 in cash, and they went to eat at BJ’s.

For years, Rosalyn said Gary would periodically pay for her to fly from Pennsylvania to Louisiana, where she would meet him at his home in Mandeville and, later, his one in New Orleans. He seemed like a normal guy. The first time they had sex, Rosalyn said, Gary did not use a condom, and he ejaculated inside of her without her permission. She told him to never do that again. They had just met, and she didn’t want to get pregnant.

At one point, Rosalyn stopped seeing Gary when she entered a longterm relationship. When it ended, she reconnected with Gary at the end of 2021. She agreed to visit him in Louisiana over a long weekend in early 2022.

One night, Gary took Rosalyn to a party. Gary was walking ahead of her when she said she was stopped by another woman who looked visibly pregnant. The woman asked Rosalyn if she wanted to meet Gary’s baby. She also warned Rosalyn to be careful; Gary wasn’t kidding when he said he wanted to get her pregnant. Rosalyn was shaken by the encounter. When she asked Gary who that was, he told her it was an ex-girlfriend. Her baby, he said, wasn’t his.

“I do not have any kids,” Rosalyn said Gary told her.

Rosalyn didn’t believe him. She would soon learn she was pregnant with Gary’s child. The following month, she texted Gary a photo of a faintly positive pregnancy test. Gary responded with his own news. He said he had just been diagnosed with prostate cancer. He was also about to book a three-week trip to Canada for work. He was lying, Rosalyn assumed. Again.

“I don’t know why you would very intentionally get me pregnant,” she texted him, “when you knew you had all that going on.”

Days passed. Rosalyn realized Gary had blocked her on Facebook. Gary sent another text. He was packing to move to Utah with his mom for cancer treatment.

“I was not planning for this to happen or to have to make these types decisions with life at the drop of a dime,” he wrote. “I will try to call you today but I dunno about the baby stuff ma’am I don’t even know if I’m 100 percent sure I’ll best cancer I’m hopeful but we shouldn’t chance it.”

“This feels extremely fabricated,” Rosalyn replied.

“You don’t have to call,” she added. “You have a lot goin on. It’s very clear that whatever I end up doing is on me.”

A few days later, Rosalyn had made a decision. She asked Gary to send her money for an abortion. He sent $400. Rosalyn shared a screenshot of the transaction with The News, as well as medical records from an ultrasound.

Rosalyn terminated the pregnancy in March, the month before Katlyn gave birth to Gary’s son. The following year, Rosalyn found out about the other women in Gary’s life. Oh, she realized. This was his thing.

The more Rosalyn learned about what had happened to other women whom Gary had gotten pregnant, the more she felt relieved. The mothers of Gary’s children were all in the position she had chosen to avoid — single parenthood.

“Where are the legal stops,” she said, “to prevent somebody from destroying a dozen lives like this?”

Lacking legal protections

The reality is there aren’t many legal protections for deception that occurs within intimate relationships, said Jill Hasday, a law professor with the University of Minnesota who specializes in family and anti-discrimination law and legal history.

Hasday extensively studied deception between sexual partners, spouses and family members for her 2019 book, Intimate Lies and the Law. She has examined bigamists, adulterers and those who commit reproductive coercion.

If she learned one thing from that research, it’s that anyone can potentially be vulnerable to this kind of deception. Deceit in relationships, which includes violations of sexual autonomy and bodily integrity, Hasday writes in her book, can destroy lives. It is a betrayal that is particularly egregious, she writes, because it occurs within the bounds of relationships that are supposed to be based on a foundation of trust.

Biological parenthood in particular, Hasday writes, is an area that is ripe for intimate deception by men and women alike. There are women who try to entrap men through pregnancy or identify the wrong man as the father of their children. There are men who conceal the fact that they have fathered a child, maintain secret second families or deny paternity of a child they know to be theirs.

People lie, Hasday writes, about using or tampering with birth control, getting vasectomies, the existence of pregnancies and their desire or intent to have children.

Too often, Hasday said, the law fails to have remedies for such deception, even when physical, emotional or financial harm occurs. Lawsuits that involve deception in a business transaction are common. Lawsuits that seek redress for deception that led to the birth of a child tend to be less successful.

In the absence of clear legal remedies, Hasday said, victims tend to rely on self-help. They might find others in similar circumstances to lean on. Such was the case with the mothers of Gary’s children.

Family litigation can itself, Hasday said, become a tool of abuse and replicate the power imbalances in abusive relationships. She views Gary’s behavior, based on The News’ reporting, as abusive on multiple levels — the deceit around conception, the deceit around the paternity tests and his avoidance of paying the child support he owes. In all three areas, she said, Gary is alleged to have gone to extreme lengths.

Another aspect of Gary’s cases, Hasday said, is an uncomfortable truth of family law — that it can force a parent to pay for their children, but it cannot force them to be a part of their lives.

Wendy Murphy, a former sex crimes prosecutor and professor at New England Law Boston, agrees. Murphy, who co-founded the school’s Women’s and Children’s Advocacy Project, has long studied systemic problems in the legal system that mistreat and harm women. She has seen the courts award parental rights to rapists and domestic abusers.

These ingrained biases are highly visible in family court, Murphy said, because the proceedings by design are gendered, men against women. While some men may hold the belief that family court, and in particular custody battles, favor mothers, Murphy sees the system differently.

In that system, she said, there is a disproportionate capacity for judges to mistreat women through rulings, delays, assessment of mental health issues, biased language and inherent skepticism of women’s claims. Men, meanwhile, often have better resources to represent themselves. And they are afforded baseline rights as a father, even if they have never cared for — or even met — their children.

It would be a mistake, Murphy said, to view Gary’s behavior simply through the prism of family law. She believes men should be held accountable not only for the financial consequences of having a child, but for the reproductive coercion that produced the child.

The circumstances under which the women became pregnant, his response to the pregnancies, his repeated denials of paternity, his failure to pay child support and his lack of interest in the children leave Murphy with this conclusion.

Gary, she said, doesn’t deserve to be called a father.

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Apparently they have not published part 3 yet. I will try to remember to come back and update the entire story when all 5 parts are out (assuming they're not paywalled at which case I'm sorry!)

As a reminder, the actual news article has images and screenshots of text messages and such. If you're interested I highly recommend going to the article.

Please remember I am not the OP, do not contact the OP!

I am not the OOP.

The original post was uploaded to Ask A Manager

::: spoiler Trigger Warning Bad behavior being excused by a disability :::

::: spoiler Tap for mood spoiler Starts bad, continues to terrible, ends OK :::

This repost was made by a human, not a bot.

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Original Post

July 22, 2025

I’m an office manager for a niche type of job — think boats, expensive boats. I’ve been in my job for 20+ years, and we have traditionally had a position filled by a developmentally disabled adult through a nonprofit. “James,” an adult with special needs, worked for us for 10+ years and just retired. He was a great worker with a great attitude. So, we went back to the same nonprofit to fill his space. (The owner of the company fully believes in this organization; his son was a client before he passed away a number of years ago, so this is a non-negotiable).

The job requires the following abilities: answering the phones, managing the supply closets/lists, delivering mail inside the office and to the slips, setting up conference rooms, and general office tasks like filing/copying, etc. James had worked 25-30 hours a week when he was with us and did all of these tasks well.

The nonprofit sent us “Carol.” She is in her 40s and lives with her very wealthy parents. Carol cannot do any of these things and her mother insisted on setting her schedule around her daytime sports pursuits — lessons, clinics, matches. The job is secondary in her life — unlike James who needed a paycheck, Carol does not.

After two weeks of Carol’s placement, which I shall call The Disaster of Hellmouth Proportions, I called the nonprofit and spoke with “Alice.” Alice was cagey on the phone but sympathetic and then asked me to meet her for a coffee. While we’ve worked together during James’ tenure, I had never actually met her. So, I took her up on the coffee.

Alice told me that I had to make this work for Carol. Carol’s parents are extremely wealthy, had just moved in from out of state, and were making six-figure donations to the nonprofit to ensure their daughter received a good job, and they were very choosy. It had to be an office job, daytime, flexible hours — not many offerings in the nonprofit’s realm offered what we did. Alice said that with uncertainty from the federal government, they needed all of the funding they could procure. I told her I totally understood that situation but this woman was not a good fit. I outlined the following issues we had in just the first two weeks. I could not make this up if I tried. I deal with some weird, entitled, and wealthy people all day as part of the job, but nothing like this:

• Carol cannot answer the phones. She picks it up, laughs into it (maniacally, I might add), and will yell “NO! HELLO! NO!” I’ve been having to cover the phones during the one-hour lunch break our receptionist receives since Carol could not fulfill that duty. I asked the mother to work with her so she could do the phones and the mother told me that was my responsibility!
• Carol was told to deliver mail to the slips. Her mother left me an incensed voicemail about asking her daughter to go out on the docks because she “wanders.” Again, this is a major part of the job.
• Carol has discussions with external personas (I don’t know the correct word here). She will argue with herself about random things — imagine the devil and angel on the shoulders from the cartoons. It’s like that, but real. I asked her mother about it and was told that she doesn’t medicate Carol and this is just her way of processing things. It’s upsetting the other people in the office. It has yet to stop and sometimes the external personas will yell at each other.
• Carol yelled at a delivery man. He set a box down near her workspace and she told him to pick it up “because you’re fat and you need exercise.” I told her and her mother this was unacceptable behavior. Her mother then emailed me that I was “finding reasons to pick on her daughter” and I needed to “do my job and keep her busy.”
• Carol was asked to staple packets. I showed her what was expected and watched her do a few. I came back 10 minutes later and she had thrown all of the papers on the floor because she “was done and wanted to do fun things.” I told her mother she could not do things like this. Her mother said, “Her last job managed to get her to work. It must be YOU!” (ME!?!?)
• Carol “borrowed” a bunch of items from the supply closet. When it was discovered, her father came in and brought them all back and suggested we not allow her in there anymore because she was “confused.”

Alice said she was sorry, but her hands were tied. I told her even my boss, who fully believes in their mission and makes donations regularly as well as offering this job to their clients, said this is not a good placement.

A few weeks passed. Carol became more and more of a problem, and so did her mother. The mother came into the office to berate me in front of the rest of the staff for having her daughter set up the meeting space and pick it up afterwards. Apparently, this is “beneath” her! Again, part of the job! The owner happened to be in that day and told the mother to leave and that she was not allowed in our building again. So, now the father comes to “check in” on Carol. He’s a bit more reasonable, I guess.

After that, the owner called the nonprofit himself and also received the “we need this to work out because we need the donations from this family” line. He is friendly with their director, and told me to try and find things to occupy Carol while she’s there and he’s going to tell the parents himself she can only work 10 hours a week. This doesn’t do us any good, and now I’m tasked with finding “parent-approved” tasks for her. I can’t do my own job because I’m constantly keeping eyes on her and doing the parts of her job that she can’t. I’m just waiting for something catastrophic to happen here. I also feel it is totally unethical for this nonprofit to give jobs to those who can afford to “buy” their placements.

I don’t even know what I’m asking. Maybe the readers can chime in with ideas for my survival during Carol’s 10 hours. Any ideas what I can give her to do? She can file pretty well, but we have like … 20 minutes of filing a month, if that. Am I enabling this? Should I let Carol crash and burn to prove how little she’s doing when I’m not picking up her slack? Or would that be too mean to someone with her issues?

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Alison's Response

Can be found here

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Update

Dec 12, 2025

I found some menial tasks from the lists given and put Carol on them. She really liked making paper chains, cutting out paper decorations for her desk, and coloring them. I spoke with my boss and Alice (the placement firm contact) about getting a job coach for Carol. I told my boss I needed to hire a second person to do the work Carol wasn’t able to do — which was just about everything on her job description. Alice agreed to “look into” getting a job coach. Carol made lots of paper decorations for her 10 hours a week when we were babysitting. My boss said I could hire someone else to do Carol’s job as a part-timer but to interview candidates in September, when I returned from my long-planned vacation.

Two weeks after I asked Alice for a job coach, she was no longer with the job placement firm. We were back at square one. Then, I went on my vacation for two weeks. In those two weeks, my boss covered for me and got to see just what a problem Carol was firsthand. Highlights of those weeks include:

• Carol’s dad dropped her off extra early one day. She came into the building and took the receptionist’s chair, replacing it with the one at her desk. The receptionist is an older lady with mobility issues and has a large, high backed chair. Carol’s is a simple office chair like the rest of us. Carol refused to give the chair back even saying “I deserve it!” multiple times while waving her arms threateningly at the receptionist. My boss called her dad to pick her up. The next day, he delivered a pricey office chair for her.
• Carol’s mother decided to try coming to speak to my boss without me there. She arrived during the day, after Carol had been picked up. My boss told her to leave. She yelled across the office at how much better Carol was doing without me around. My boss told her to leave before he called the cops. She left.
• One of my coworkers was tasked with giving Carol work. Carol yelled at her and told her, “You don’t tell me what to do!” She did this every day I was gone, despite being told I was going on vacation and “Lauren” would be in charge in my absence.
• One day, Carol’s external conversations with herself were so loud and out of control my boss called her dad to get her. He was honestly afraid she was going to hurt someone or herself.
• Carol was asked to wipe down the microwave and sink after she used them during lunch and left a mess. She told my boss, “I’m not a maid. You get a maid to do it!”
• Carol had another run-in with one of the delivery guys. He asked her to hold the door to the package room since she was coming out and he was going in with a large load. She yelled at him to “do his job” and called him fat. Again.

After all of this, my boss called the organization and said Carol could not come back until they sent a job coach. In the meantime, I hired a high school kid to work part-time after school. Best decision ever.

Three weeks later, Carol came back with a job coach in tow. The coach, Fred, wasn’t great and I don’t even think he was trained as a job coach. He seemed very young and inexperienced and spent a lot of time on his phone. I called the agency and asked about Fred. The director there spoke as if this guy walked on water but I wasn’t seeing it. I asked Fred what his last job was, and he said a front desk clerk at a lower tier hotel chain. He said he took this job because the hours were better. I told him I needed a lot more coaching because paying Carol to cut paper decorations all day was ridiculous. He agreed, but didn’t care enough to actually do something. I called the agency again and was told that he was all they had.

So that brings us up to mid-October. Mid-October is our company’s big fall festival for the employees and our families. Carol showed up with both parents in tow. My boss allowed the mom to be there since we weren’t in the office but in a rented space. The parents spent a lot of time socializing with people, including my boss, but the mother made a clear effort to avoid me.

While this was going on, Carol was wandering around trying to play games that were meant for kids. She was told she couldn’t be in the bounce house, since kids were in there. She wanted a pony ride but was told she was too big. Stuff like that. Then she happened upon the cornhole game. A bunch of kids, probably ages 8 – 12, were playing cornhole while “Danny,” one of our long-time employees, was watching and filming his kids. Carol walked up and grabbed the bags off the board and said it was her turn. Danny told her she could play when they were done. Carol kept yelling that it was her turn. Danny told her to go find her dad. Carol then picked up a cornhole board and threw it across the grass. It struck another employee in the legs. Carol then threw the bags at one of the boys, hitting him in the back.

And that’s when my boss fired her right on the spot and told the dad he could come get the chair and any of her belongings on Monday but they had to leave immediately. The mother threatened discrimination lawsuits and kept yelling and ranting about how she’s never been treated so poorly in her life and how awful we all are — that we needed “more compassion” for Carol.

My boss said get out or he’d call the cops because Carol had just assaulted two people.

The dad at least had the good sense to pull the mom towards the car and then went back to get Carol who was still in mid-tantrum.

They never came back for the chair, so I claimed it as my reward for dealing with this ridiculous family.

The other good news is my new part-timer is a great kid. He’s going to welding school next year and I told him if he ever wants a welding job, he’s got one with us.

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Reminder this is a repost community and I am not OOP

This is a repost made by a human

Title: the boss who fired me got hired at my new job — and she’s joking about how bad my work was

Originally posted to: Ask A Manager

I am not the OOP

::: spoiler trigger warning bullying :::

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Original Post:

Octo 13, 2021

About seven years ago, I worked for Company A. I met a lot of nice folks, and there is a lot of good to be said for the company. But the actual job function I was paid to do I hated, and it was in an industry I came to have a dim view of. As you can probably guess, I was not very good at this job. Throw in some unpleasant things going on in my personal life at the time, and the whole situation was very bad.

Eventually my boss had to fire me, and I deserved to be fired! My boss (Jane) handled the firing with all the dignity and sensitivity that I could have hoped for. No complaints there. I took some time after the firing to really think about my life, what I wanted, and what I wanted out of work. I made some changes, and one of those was to go to work for a nonprofit that advocates on an issue I care deeply about. I am MUCH better at this job, have received a couple promotions along the way, and feel like I have the respect of my colleagues. I am in a much better place compared to where I was with Company A.

Last month my nonprofit was onboarding some new hires, and I was surprised to see Jane among them. She wanted a change, and thus went from Company A to us. She had no idea I was working here. I work on the advocacy side, she works on the financial side, but our job titles are approximately equal. We spent a few pleasant minutes catching up. I was genuinely glad to see her.

Unfortunately, things have taken a turn. I have started hearing rumors that Jane has been regaling our colleagues with stories of what a screw-up I was back at Company A. While the stories are superficially true, they lack the context I described above and do not consider my good work since then, so I find these stories both embarrassing and unfair. I have asked Jane to stop doing this, but she feels I am overreacting as it is all meant in good fun.

But I am already seeing people become a lot more particular in their dealings with me. For example, I organize several public facing events with one of my colleagues. These events have always gone well, and he has been easy to work with; he tells me what he needs, I tell him what I need, then we do what needs to be done. Lately, he has been checking, and double checking, and triple checking that I understand what is required and my progress on meeting those requirements. That never happened before Jane. And when I called him out on it, he replied that my “track record” justified his attention. I replied that my track record with him was unblemished, and he sheepishly said, “Yeah, but I hear from Jane …”

I am appreciative of how Jane treated me back in the day, so I want to cut her all the slack I can. I do not believe she is being malicious. I think she just wants to integrate herself with her new colleagues and thinks telling funny stories is a way to do so. But she has badly misjudged the effect these stories have had. Do you have any thoughts on how I can get her to stop?

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Please visit AAM to see Alison's Reply

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Update:

Nov 29, 2021 (6 weeks later)

Let me begin by saying I really appreciate of the support and advice you and your readers gave me. It was nice to know I wasn’t making too much out of it.

Two things maybe I should mention that I did not before. First, I am a pretty laid back guy, and when folks have a laugh at my expense, that usually doesn’t bother me if I think it is coming from a place of affection. I can laugh at myself, and Lord knows I enjoy teasing the people I love. I think I have pretty good boundaries generally, and I enforce them if I feel it’s not coming from a place of affection. But I think in this instance my boundary setting radar got confused because this generally has not been a problem at work, and because I so wanted to give Jane the benefit of the doubt.

Secondly, Jane’s behavior in all of this tracks, if you know Jane. She is, let’s say, hyperrational. Appeals to her emotions, or telling her how things make you feel, generally don’t work. But if you can quantify your point, if you can back up your argument with data, she is very persuadable, up to and including changing her behavior or backing off on points she’s made in the past.

As you advised, I took the issue up directly with folks who seemed to be treating me differently, calling out what I saw and asking them to please judge me on my record since they’ve known me. Most denied any change at all, and that was enough to shock them back into their pre-Jane behavior. A small number admitted Jane’s stories had made some impact, and agreed that maybe was not entirely fair. For the most part, they too have returned to pre-Jane behavior.

Then I went back to Jane and made my point; the stories were unflattering and unfair, they were harming my reputation with my co-workers, and it needed to stop. She again said she was just kidding and doubted it influenced anyone at all.. I conceded she was just kidding and had no ill-will, but that wasn’t the point. We went through some emails I had with co-workers that I had printed out (including the exchange with the coworker I mentioned in my first note). The point I made was even if it was just this one guy (and it wasn’t) surely she would agree that if the stories kept coming more people might start thinking like this guy.

Having seen the evidence, she agreed. She promised she would stop, and she has. She even went so far as to email a couple folks we discussed (and cc’d me) apologizing for her behavior and saying she should not have put me in such a bad light. That was good enough for me.

And that has been it. We’re pretty much back to normal. The guy from the first e-mail is still double checking me, but less than he was before. Personally I think he’s just trying to cover his tracks.

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I am not the OOP - This is a repost community

DO NOT message anyone linked in this post

This is a repost made by a human (hello!)

Original Boru by: u/Direct-caterpillar77 post here.

I am not the OOP.

OOP is: u/scootscooty

::: spoiler trigger warning Body shaming, fat phobia, ableism, gaslighting :::

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Original Post:

Oct 29, 2014

I hurt my foot/ankle about a week ago at the gym during some stupid class. I can barely stand on it, walking is hard. I haven't gotten crutches, just one of those stupid huge foot brace things, and it isn't helping all the way. Nonetheless I have to go about my daily routine, correct? So bf and I went shopping yesterday. I was doing the hop-along with the cart while I read off the list and he grabbed stuff for us.

A store worker saw me and told me that she could grab one of the scooters for me. My boyfriend turned around and said "that's not necessary," but we still had a while to go, and I wasn't getting far, so I said sure. He started getting annoyed and when she was gone, he asked me what I was doing. I said we'd get things done faster if I was just in the scooter thing.

The whole rest of the time, he would barely look at me or acknowledge that I was there. As far as I could tell, nobody was even looking at us. Except maybe one little girl in her mom's shopping cart who pointed and was like "Mom, she has a big owie."

When we finally finished and got out, I hopped along to the car and he put the scooter away for me and slammed the car door, frowned, looked super tense. I asked him what was wrong, and he blew up. He kept saying how embarrassed he was that I was in one of those, that only obese women use them and that he's sure everyone was judging us and thinks that I'm just a lazy fat-ass slob.

I was completely taken aback. Ok, yeah, I'm a fat girl. 5', size 12/14, big fuckin' whoop. Not exactly the body type you see in the majority of the "obese women" he's talking about. I told him that nobody was paying attention, nobody was watching, and that I thought it was fine. Besides, it would be hard to miss the gigantic boot on my leg! But he was so far gone, upset beyond belief about this that when we got home, he just went into his game room, shut the door, and wouldn't help me put the groceries away.

I thought he would get over it but then this morning I found a note on my desk from him that says that he is really upset that I went against his wishes, embarrassed him in public, and made a spectacle of myself. He said that if I can't apologize to him, he's not sure our relationship has a future.

I'm lost at what to do. I don't think I did anything wrong. All I did was ride a scooter for like 45 minutes, if that, while we got our groceries, so it wouldn't take me longer. Is there a perspective that I'm not seeing here? Did I do something wrong?

tl;dr: boyfriend flipped that I used a mobility scooter, even though I have a brace on my leg.

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Comments

jackiekeracky: mobility scooters are for people who, for whatever reason, have trouble with their mobility.

you did nothing wrong, your bf is being a dick

OP: That's close to what I told him when we were in the car, actually. I mean, the part about what mobility scooters are for, not about him being a dick.

crystanow: "I found a note on my desk from him that says that he is really upset that I went against his wishes, embarrassed him in public, and made a spectacle of myself. He said that if I can't apologize to him,"

This is some weird thought process/attitude going on - is this totally out of character for him or has he been resentful/asshole like this in the past?

OP: It's pretty out of character for him, honestly. We have had a mellow, happy relationship for most of this time. I think the only other time he's gotten angry was because me and my best friend got a little too drunk at our place and were being loud.

fuckdapolice4: What kind of dick makes his injured girlfriend hobble along with him? Why couldn't he have gone by himself in the first place? And then he made you put away all of the groceries because he was too pissed off?

Uggh, from this one isolated incident, he sounds like a really selfish dude. Don't apologize, and in fact, if he can't apologize... I think you should be the one re-evaluating.

OP: I'm actually the one who wanted to go grocery shopping in the first place. We keep kind of a "chore schedule" sort of thing and I'd already messed up some of the week from being injured and all of that, so I wanted to get back on schedule and at least make sure we had food for our meals and whatever else. I was just going to go by myself, but he said he'd come so it went faster.

ThankYouEbolaChanNYC: Your weight is an issue for him.

hackberrydraw: This is the correct answer, sad to say. Was the only thing going through my mind as I read your post.

As much as he might love you and appreciate you for who you are, it embarrasses him to be with an overweight person. That's the social stigma or social norm he is so stressed about. The scooter was just a catalyst to these thoughts. /armchair psychology

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Update

Nov 21, 2014 (1 month later)

So, some of you were right. There was a weight issue, but it wasnew! We talked and he told me he wanted me to lose weight. He'd wanted me to for a while. I asked him why, despite me not gaining any weight or changing anything in my diet or exercise routine after years. He said it was a recent development, that he was starting to notice other women more and he didn't want to feel embarrassed with me or anything.

He said he's always been attracted to me, and still is, but it has shifted even though I haven't gained anything since we met. So.... he gave me an ultimatum: lose weight, or lose him.

I thought about it for a while, and in the end, decided to drop the dead weight. 180lbs of boyfriend later, I am happy, single, and on my way to a fun holiday season without worrying "Oh no, my boyfriend will dump me if I don't lose weight!" Already had three great dates from Okcupid and looking forward to more! btw, Thanks!!! For all the recommendations on where to get the crutches. I got a great pair and my foot healed after that week!

EDIT: That's about all the computer time I've got for one day. Anyhow, nice to chat with all of you! Good luck, see-ya!

tl;dr: Broke up with boyfriend after he requested I lose weight.

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Comments

Upallnight88: I'm curious. How fit was your boyfriend? Was he carrying any extra weight?

OP: Yeah, he had some extra weight. I never really paid attention to him gaining or losing or anything like that. He wasn't as active as me, though.

Upallnight88: I just had to have the answer! Was the pot calling the kettle black. Actually the #1 post by Bassoon-Commie was the best thing I've seen here for a long time. Glad you're happy

When told its sucks that her ex only cares about what people think about him

OP; Yeah, agreed. To be honest, I don't have the time or patience to deal with someone who cares that much about something as stupid as what other people think.

Bassoon_Commie: "I thought about it for a while, and in the end, decided to drop the dead weight. 180lbs of boyfriend later-"

I love this. Good choice. :)

cosmicberryfairypie: My initial reaction was "awe whaa..." Then "Aaawwwe yea girl!"

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This is a repost community, remember I am not the OOP

Do not contact OOPS or anyone linked in the above post

This is a repost made by a human

I am not the OOP

OOP is: u/Electronic-Sell6402

Originally posted on: Reddit's r/mildlyinfuriating

Best of compiled by: u/Direct-Caterpillar77 here.

::: spoiler mood spoiler anticlimactic :::

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Original Post

Sept 29, 2026

I 3d printed this tea steeper for my desk at work. I thought it was really cute and it makes me happy when I use it. Apparently because I printed it in all white, someone made a comment in front of my bosses boss, that it looks like the little guy is sitting on a toilet. Now I got an email from HR stating that I have "objects inappropriate for the work environment" on my desk, and that it must be removed before the end of the day. Like it's just a dude holding a fishing pole.

So frustrating.

OOP posted 2 pictures of the little man with a fishing rod and a teabag hanging off the rod

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Relevant Comments

okanagan_man84: Its a dude or dudette with a fishing pole. How is thay unprofessional. Seems like whoever is complaining has nothing better to do or is, at the very least, jealous of what you have. There fore, if they cant have one neither should you.

OP: I agree. The coworker in question always complains about stuff that doesn't affect them on any way

zeus64: HR probably doesnt know what item it is that was reported for being inappropriate tell them you don't know what it would be and then ask them if they can identify the item. If somehow they point that out ask them why and what rule it is breaking if they say it looks like its a guy is on a toilet act disgusted and tell them its obviously a guy fishing

OP: I actually like this suggestion. I think that's what I'll do is ask HR if they can identify the issue causing the problem

---

OOP Updated 3 Times

in the same post on the same day

UPDATE: after this post has quickly blown up, and made me laugh a few times. I talked to my immediate boss who agreed with a few of you that HR probably doesn't even know what item I'm supposed to remove. So I have emailed HR back, and cc'd my boss, for them to come identify the "inappropriate object" as neither myself or my boss are able to identify what might be the problem. So we shall see what happens.

UPDATE 2: Electric Boogaloo: Just got off the phone with someone in HR. They are going to come over around 2pm (about an hour and 15 minutes from now) and look at the item. All they told me was that they received an email from an AVP (my bosses boss) that it was said to him that I had a 3d printed item on my desk that was about potty humor and that my "whole team" (it's just the one coworker who has a problem, none of the other 7 do) finds it offensive. The person in HR said they will look at it and determine if there is any reason for the complaint.

UPDATE 3: Update with a vengeance: HR just left my office. Saw no problems, thinks the whole complaint is dumb and is going to write it up that way. Also asked if I could print them one too. So I will be doing that this evening. She (the HR person) asked me if I wanted to make a report of possible harassment by the coworker. I stated that I will write up something to put into a file with HR if needed for a future report, but not to open a case now on this issue.

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Final Comments

Double_Resort_9223: Enemy for life

OP: Oh you can bet on that. They are the coworker who always has an opinion or a "better way" and just gets on everyone's nerves as it is. Now they are on the enemies list

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Final Update in the Comments

Last update. If anyone is bored, this guy on LinkedIn is trying to steal my story for his LinkedIn cred. He already blocked me and a friend of mine for calling him out. Here is the link

Editors Note: removed the link

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THIS IS A REPOST COMMUNITY - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not OP.

Originally post by Reddit user: u/gem1n-eye in r/nanny

I am not the original poster of this compilation thread. This was originally posted by u/ABBR-5007 (now deleted) and was reposted today by u/BORUReposting.

Reminder - Do not comment on linked posts!

::: spoiler Tap for Trigger Warning stalking :::

::: spoiler Tap for mood spoiler unsatisfying :::

Editors note: MB= Mom/Mommy Boss

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Original: I think my MB may be tracking me

Fri, Jan 27, 2023

This is really weird to post, and I feel crazy for even thinking it. But so many weird things have happened over the past month I've been working for this family, I feel like I need a second opinion or someone to tell me if I'm going crazy.

Like I said, I've worked for this family since just before the new year. They have two kids, 2 and 8. I know they have trackers sewn in to the 2 year old's diaper bag and the 8 year old's backpack, she told me about them and I obviously have no issue with that. The kids are great, MB is a single mom who seemed really lovely from our first few meetings.

A few weeks ago, she sent me a text asking if I could come in now because she got called in to work. I lied and said I was in (big city in my state) visiting my sister for the weekend. It was a dumb white lie because I didn't want to be asked during the weekend if she kept being called in, as that has happened multiple times before and I really needed a full weekend to myself. She simply responded "You don't need to lie, I'll find a backup." It definitely gave me super weird vibes and was super embarassing, but I shrugged it off and figured she may have been at Trader Joes earlier in the day when I went, or she saw my car, something like that.

Then this Tuesday, I came in and she was definitely cold towards me. I had been out celebrating a friend's birthday Monday night at a bar, but I nursed one drink the entire night and was never even tipsy. I take showers in the morning and wore clean clothes, so there's no way I smelled like alcohol. But she confronted me and accused me of being hungover, said I reeked of booze, and kept asking if I had a drinking problem because why would I be drinking on a Monday night? I was really put off, and told her the truth, that it was my friend's birthday and I was just out celebrating with her and some other friends and hadn't even drank. She paused for a super long time and just nodded, and left for work like nothing happened. MB is super religious and very vehemently anti-alcohol, but I still feel like it was a weird accusation. I asked my girlfriend when I got home if I smelled like alcohol or anything somehow, and she couldn't smell anything.

Earlier today was the final incident that really cemented this stupid conspiracy theory in my head. I took the bus this morning when I normally take my car because I'm extra broke right now and need to save gas. I got to her house around 10 minutes early, but sat in a little wooded curb area for a while until it was my official time to start.5 minutes before my start time, MB texts me "Have you left yet?? I have a meeting at 10:30." I am NEVER late. I walked in early, and she looked confused. When I mentioned taking the bus, she literally said "Oh that makes sense."

What the hell do I do? I looked all over my car, in my backpack, and in my car's carseat.. I couldn't find anything. Am I overthinking this?

Edit: I just looked with the help from yall, and found an AirTag ductaped to the underside of my car. So, very very creeped out currently. Not sure what to say or do now.

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Follow-up on r/LegalAdvice: My employer put an AirTag on my car

Same day

Hi, I'm having some major issues right now. For the full story check my post history, but the gist is that I'm a nanny for a single mom of two. I've only worked with her for about a month, and I knew she was tracking her children's location. After a series of weird comments, people recommended I check my car for AirTags using an Android app, and I found one very well hidden and ductaped under my car.

I am super creeped out. I live in California, what is possible here? Can police do anything? I don't feel safe to confront my boss, and have called out sick today.

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Update: Update to employer tracking me

Sat, Feb 04, 2023

If you saw my post from last week, you know I found an AirTag under my car put there by my MB. Sorry for not updating sooner, I've been stressed and busy trying to get another job pretty much all day every day.

So I ended up calling the police. They came to my place and checked out the car, AirTag, etc, and they went and spoke with MB. AirTag was in her name, by the way, I know some people were suggesting it could be someone else (which sadly was a probability for a while because I do have a stalker, only making all of this more stressful).

MB was shocked that I had called the police over the tag and totally tried to gaslight the officers. She said that she put it there to make sure I wasn't speeding and as backup if I lost their bags with the trackers. She also flat out lied and said she had told me, but I must not have been listening. They just gave her a warning, and no further action was taken. I honestly don't think they really took my concern seriously. If anything, they seemed to side with her perspective. So that's awesome. Sarcasm.

I'm obviously not working for her anymore, and have blocked her phone number because she was belittling me over calling the police over "her keeping her children safe." On to the next job I guess. Anyone with advice on how to warn other nannies in my area is appreciated.

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Original Reddit Post: Here

I am NOT the OOP

Update Post made by: Redditor u/red_earaches

Original post by: Redditor u/billionsandbillionsa in r/Houston

::: spoiler Trigger Warnings potential discrimination, religious hypocrisy, MAGA :::

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Recommendations for a Bad Time

May 22, 2026

I have my grandmother's baby sister visiting next week. She’s in her 60s, but in very good shape and active. I kind of low-key hate her. She’s always making comments about my weight and why I’m not married and a list of other negative things. I want to take her out to places where she’ll be the most uncomfortable and potentially won’t be visiting Houston for a long time. She’s voted a certain way and her husband wears a red hat.

She’s very uncomfortable around minority groups. Where can I take her to make her visit miserable???

OOP clarifies in comments: I don’t ever contact her on my own but she is family and my mom and her are very close. She’s not a terrible person I just don’t prefer to be in her company. She’s just is very critical of younger people and always tries to give unsolicited advice and backhanded compliments.

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Relevant Comments

Commenters give a wide variety of places to take this great-aunt to, including:

speaksoftly: Breakfast Klub. You'll be in line for an hour, surrounded by black people enjoying themselves. (Breakfast Klub is known for its brunch soul food.)

cgreentx: Meow Wolf. Make sure you’re having an absolute blast and baffle them. They will be utterly confused and hate. (Meow Wolf is a radio station-theme immersive art experience that is known to be overstimulating.)

VanityJanitor: First, take her to the Houston farmers market. It’s a huge outdoor market with a bunch of spices, and it’s hella Mexican. Then stop at Gomez western wear so you can get her a true Texas outfit (also hella Mexican) before going jewelry shopping on Hillcroft Ave (Indian af).

And of course, stop at the Hong Kong food market before heading home. The penetrating fish smell and beautiful Asian culture is sure to put the nail in her maga coffin.

sashikku: Take her to Numbers (known for its alternative music venue and dance bar). Diverse environment, nowhere to sit, people dressed in anything from drag to BDSM gear.

Then take her to Boheme (known for its brunch drag shows).

Then take her to Menil Park (known for outside park and artwork). Also diverse crowd and it’s in the gayborhood.

ZaxZone: You can go visit the Donnellan Family Crypt under the Franklin Street Bridge. (It's a 19-century creepy crypt.)

ThisIsNotACryForHelp:* Aga's! The waitstaff are almost all immigrants, and if you go on Memorial Day, it will be so busy that you'll have to wait outside with all of the other customers (who are typically mostly brown people) in the Houston humidity.

As a bonus, the food is top notch. But since she's of the right-leaning persuasion, she probably won't allow herself to enjoy such "exotic" foods as tikka masala or chicken makhani.

**SoSleepySue:**I'll introduce her to my stepdad who doesn't like the parking spot I picked, the grocery cart I picked, the way I drive, the way I shop, or the way I clean out his downspouts.

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UPDATE

2 Weeks Later

I’m so grateful for everyone who contributed to the post. I never expected it to blow up so quickly.

For those who are wondering about my situation I do live with my parents, so my great-aunt visiting wasn’t something that I wanted but my mom and her are very close and I can’t control who visits my parents. I did spend a majority of the time in my room when she was there. But we did end up doing some family activities together.

I did get a lot of request to take my family to a drag show which I thought would be a hilarious suggestion, but my parents are very hardcore Christian and they would never go for such a thing. So I did suggest it very enthusiastically but was shut down immediately by them. At first they knew I was joking but I kept trying to push it and they said that “that’s the kind of event the devil lives at”.

I mentioned to my great aunt that according to the Bible, we’re all the bride of Christ so technically her husband Phil ( who’s ironically her 2nd husband) should identify as the bride of Christ. Which it wouldn’t and shouldn’t be considered sinful for men to express themselves as feminine since we are all the “bride of Christ”. This pissed them off in a way that gives me joy. It was mainly my mom who was scolding me, but my great aunt kept telling me she would pray for me. I told her as long as she was willing to pray I would like to give her some more prayer requests and she agreed. I told her to pray for the Palestinian children in Gaza and she literally rolled her eyes at me.

Saturday, we ended up visiting the zoo. We went around 10:30am and the parking was completely packed. I ended up circling the parking lot for at least 20 minutes with no success. All while my mom and aunt were back seat driving. I also did follow a person to their spot and sat in the lane and waited for them to put their three children in the car only to have another more aggressive driver overtake me and take my parking spot that I literally waited 5 minutes for. I thought it was so funny but my mom got absolutely livid. She wanted to get out of the car to confront them but told her to sit back down and shouting at these people wouldn’t be very Christ-like. I ended up driving off and parked in a paid hospital parking lot across the street from the zoo. We had to walk a far distance to the entry of the zoo in the hot sun, which I thought would piss my great aunt off but she didn’t actually complain about it and it was me who was a sweaty mess by the time we entered the zoo.

For lunch, I thought it was the most appropriate to take them to Trill burger since it’s pretty close to the zoo and the idea of greasy burgers and fries served in a casual style atmosphere with rap music blasting was exactly what I was going for. Bonus points because when we parked our car there were literally 2 cars hot boxing just a few feet away from us and the strong odor of cannabis isn’t something my family enjoys. My great aunt complained the whole time and at one point said something to the effect of “these people don’t even know how to spell THRILL burger”. It was such an interesting experience seeing some people dressed extremely well in suits and ties and others literally in their pajamas all in the same restaurant. I kept quietly singing along and nodding my head to the rhythm of the rap music that was playing in the background while my mom and great aunt kind of looked uncomfortable but continued chatting to themselves.

Unfortunately they didn’t allow me to choose dinner and my mom explained to me “we’re trying to have a good time” and we ended up eating at Taste of Texas which is a little more their scene. The waitress actually took a photo of us and printed it out as a gift since it was my great aunt's first time and they wrapped a red bandanna around her and her husband was given a cowboy hat to take a picture with. My family had a great time there.

Sunday my family ended up going to church in the morning and I skipped out. But for a late dinner I kept telling them I was taking them to my favorite authentic BBQ spot. I took them straight to Chinatown and went to Gao's Kabob, which is still bbq but definitely not what they expected. For those who never been there, it’s full of drunk Chinese people loudly singing Chinese love songs on a karaoke machine on a stage which is definitely not their scene. I ordered a bunch of pig feet and lamb skewers as well as spicy noodles. This definitely wasn’t what they were expecting and it didn’t seem like they ate much but they didn’t complain about it as much as Trill Burger. My mom kept saying we should have went to Treebeards.

Overall my great aunt actually kept an open mind about the places I took her and it was my mom who was the one who did the majority of the complaining. My great aunt told me she had a great time and is looking forward to me visiting her in Florida. I probably won’t be visiting anytime soon though.

Thanks to everyone for the suggestions!!! I love Houston!!

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Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS.

Click for Original Reddit Post

This post was put together by: Reddit u/Direct-Caterpillar77

I am not The OOP, OOP is Reddit: u/ThrowRA-TheGraduate

Post was Originally Posted to: Reddit r/relationship_advice

::: spoiler Trigger Warning Entitlement, emotional abuse :::

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Original Reddit BoRU

Redditor Editors Note: the original BoRU was posted over 4 years ago and deleted, so reposting to bring back to the sub

---

Original Post

March 17, 2021

Hello. I don’t want to be content for your YouTube channel. If that’s your purpose, go away.

My gf finished college back in January. It’s been a long road for her - medical issues, mental problems and a change of major meant that her 5-year degree took seven. I graduated college a couple of years ago, and have been working ever since.

The run-up to her graduation was rough. She was stressed about her thesis, and I essentially didn’t have a partner for three months. I took care of everything at home, I helped her write her assignment, and I’m having a hard time keeping up at work, so I’m working maybe 5-10 hours of overtime every week.

For her graduation, I pulled out as many stops as I could. Her friends came to surprise her at a covid-approved distance outside our window, I made sure champagne was ready, and I had to leave the flat for a work thing, but came back ASAP when she had her final defence and got her grade. Which was the top one, of course, since she’s brilliant and poured her heart into this. I’d made sure her work got her flowers, and a lot of her family and friends remembered as well. We lived in a greenhouse for a good few days afterwards as they kept trickling in.

Anyway, we then went to pick up sushi of her choosing from her favourite place.

Now, for some context, I’ve been going through a rough time recently. I’ve been incredibly stressed, I’m in a new therapy schedule, and I felt very alone for months leading up to that day. On the day, work was particularly brutal. I’d felt like screaming the entire day.

When I graduated college, nobody really noticed. My girlfriend did a little thing with some champagne, but that was it. We did go out to eat as well.

So, when we were sat down for dinner, the immediate excitement of her grade and her finally finishing faded.

The last four months of emotional void kept creeping up on me, the stress of that particular awful day, and as much as I hate to admit it, a twinge of jealousy that she’s being celebrated so much more than I was.

As we were eating dinner, I was fighting back tears. I don’t know what the fuck happened to me. She could tell something was up, and I couldn’t keep up the facade for too long. I apologised profusely and went to get my shit together in the bathroom for a bit. I’ll be the first to admit that I wasn’t very fun for the rest of the evening.

Here’s the problem: she’s telling me I ruined her graduation from college. That particular word was used - I’ve ruined it. She told me a few days later, in tears, that I had to make up for it somehow. I asked her what to do, and she said ”just do what they’d do in a movie.”

Now, she’ll pull this line out occasionally. It’s an awful line, but I know what she means. She wants an over-the-top gesture, and it’s pretty obvious that she wants me to stage a new, fake graduation that I don’t fuck up.

But I’ll be honest, it’s hard. I just don’t have the energy to do it. She’ll bring it up now and again, and every time, she reiterates the same thing: The longer i wait, the more special and perfect it has to be.

I don’t do well under that kind of pressure. In fact, I hate it pretty intensely. So now I’m completely demotivated to do it, and I still feel a little betrayed.

On one hand, I get that she wanted the day to be all about just her.

On the other hand, I feel like I did everything I’m supposed to. I didn’t mean to get upset. I didn’t get angry, or lash out, or forget something, or fail to plan something up to code. I felt really shitty and started crying. And finally, I felt like it was the final day that was all about her on the tail end of four months where my needs, emotional or physical, didn’t exist.

What the fuck do I do? How do I talk to her about this in a way that doesn’t result in me feeling awful?

Tl;dr: Stress, emotional problems and general badness got the best of me during girlfriend’s college graduation dinner. I’ve now ruined it and she expects and over the top new fake graduation to compensate.

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RELEVANT COMMENTS

Fragrant_Spray: Do like they do in a movie? Invite all her friends together, lock them in a room, and design a series of physical and psychological tortures?

Your gf dismissed your feelings on graduation day, and is upset that you aren’t addressing her feelings by jumping through a whole bunch of hoops for her entertainment. This attitude will continue if you don’t address it. Never trust someone who expects real life to be like the movies.

OOP: I’ll admit, that made me laugh pretty hard. Thanks, man.

Fragrant_Spray: In the romcoms she’s thinking about, there’s usually a scene where someone makes a big effort to make it work with a partner, and the partner is unappreciative (at the least). That’s when the protagonist realizes that they’re with the wrong person, which the audience knew all along. They realize that they aren’t being respected and they move on. If she wants to compare life to a movie, that’s the scene I think you’re seeing.

CherryBomb214: If I may be so bold...it kind of sounds like you've spent a LONG time attending to her needs above yours so I ask you: when does she attend to you? You should in an equal partnership. Who is taking care of you right now because you've just told us you're spent and that's okay. We all get spent some times. The key is to surround ourselves with people that help build us back up -- not make things all about them.

I know this doesn't answer your question directly but I really want you to take stock of how things are in your life and honestly examine your relationship.

OOP: Rarely. I’m not good at expressing my needs, though, so it’s not all on her. She’ll do nice things for me now and again, it’s not that, it’s just that when the chips are down, I have to be the glue every time. That’s okay, but I’m really down about this because at least she could be appreciative of it.

NotPiffany: Are you really bad at expressing your needs, or has she trained you not to express them in the first place?

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Update 1

March 20, 2021 (3 Days Later)

Hey everyone. Thanks for the absolutely overwhelming amount of advice and attention you guys gave me. It was wonderful and, admittedly, a little terrifying.

I had a talk with my girlfriend last night. It was actually about her birthday, which is today. Some may have seen my dread for that in the comments of the last post. It went down exactly as I’d feared.

She asked me how many party supplies and decorations we had - I told her that I reckon we had enough, and she was upset that I didn’t go out and buy more.

Just to reiterate, here is my current agenda for the day:

• Wake up at six AM to decorate the flat and get breakfast at a baker, including a custom-made cake from her favourite bakery that she likes. Keep in mind that her favourite rolls and favourite cake are in two different places, so I’m going two places.
• have breakfast together
• take her to see a castle she’s wanted to see nearby
• buy her dinner from a place she’s been saying she wants to try
• watch a film with her of her choosing
• let her go early to bed without any grief.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have been told that I don’t put in any effort. See, none of these things count because she’s expressed a wish for doing them, or I’ve asked if she wants them. This means that they’re no longer surprises, and therefore not romantic.

I’ll be honest, that made me pretty livid, and especially so because she brought up the graduation again.

I told her that, in fact, I had given it some thought. We can have a day where we spoil her and get dinner somewhere nice or do something special, but I’m not throwing a new fake graduation, and I’m not accepting the premise that it has to be increasingly bombastic the longer I wait.

That didn’t go down well. In fact, she got increasingly angry that I didn’t understand that I’d ruined the most important day of her life so far. I asked her if all the gestures meant nothing because I got upset, and she said yes. She had to “walk on eggshells and couldn’t be limitlessly happy”, which ruined everything.

I told her how hard it was leading up to, and her reaction was to say I could’ve waited one more day to get upset then. I told her that I don’t feel as I get as much emotional support as I give, and she told me that her emotional support consists primarily of not leaning too much on me.

I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. What the hell do I do now? This was the weirdest conversation I’ve had for a long time.

Also, if you’ll have me excused, I have to go pick up a cake.🙃.

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RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]: She's so ungrateful and nothing you do will ever be enough for her. May I ask what exactly she does for you? I expect her planning for your birthday to be nothing short of a weekend on Mars with a mariachi band. She doesn't validate your feelings at all or try to be understanding. Please, do yourself a favour and get out of that toxic relationship. You don't deserve to be emotionally beaten down every time there's a celebration.

OOP: It’s funny, really. My birthday was a few weeks ago, and she planned roughly something akin to what I’ve done - except the restaurant I asked for was closed on Mondays, something she hadn’t investigated before the fact, and I had to think of something else. And pick it up after work, because she wanted us to go together and get it.

She did get me a really nice present, though, so that’s something, I guess. I felt it was just fine, but I’m not sure she would’ve been happy with it. 🤷🏼‍♂️.

Anti_Meta: Bro. This is word for word shit my soon to be ex-wife does/has said.

Going to skip all of the 8 years it took me to figure this out but I'mma stuff it into one sentence and set you free.

These are red flags of extremely low emotional intelligence. Extremely low. Everything bad in her life will be your fault, logic be damned.

Run your fucking ass off. I mean sell yourself naked for a bus ticket and deal with nude in public later.

nickis84: Why are you with this drama queen? Can you imagine how she's going to be about her proposal? Heaven forbid you mess that up!

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Update 2 An update from undersigned...

Apr 28, 2022 (1 year later)

I just remembered that this account exists - and I'm happy to come back and report that we broke up in the summer of last year.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, it got pretty ugly pretty fast, with her attempting all sorts of fun, manipulating things like going through my digital receipts, stealing my passport and the registration for my car, and gently implying to our common friends that I beat her.

So that was cool of her. We finished dealing with the last joint assets and dumb adult shit back around Christmas, and I haven't seen or heard from her since some time in January.

As for me, I'm doing fucking great. I live in a tiny studio that costs a fortune, but my career is going phenomenally, I've met all sorts of great friends, and perhaps most importantly, I recently started dating someone. She's fucking amazing, and she makes me feel appreciated in ways I didn't think could happen.

I get it now. I get why other people like relationships.

Holy shit, that relationship was bad. I spent a long time after the breakup coming to terms with just how bad it was. I had experiences like a one-night stand that showed me more affection than she did. Shit was wild.

Afaik, she's not doing too great. Life hit her pretty hard once I stopped being there to soften the blows for her - ironically, she'd always accuse me of being a loser that couldn't take care of myself, lol.

There's one main reason I'm back here, I guess. Go back and read my posts, and if it resonates with you, you deserve better. I want to let anyone know that no matter how deep that sunk cost feels, get out. It stings at first, but out here, you can breathe.

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RELEVANT COMMENTS

Sweet-Advertising798: This is fantastic news, and you're right, it will help a lot of other people in toxic relationships with narcissists.

Also - she stole your passport???!!! Wtf?

Are you still friends with anyone in the old friend group? Do they finally see her for who she really is?

OOP: Yeah - we had a box of "important documents" that she decided to swipe when she moved out, but she didn't remove my things first. It was my passport, my college degree (how fitting, lmao), the registration for my car, and probably some other stuff. She gave it back eventually, but it was a hassle and a half.

All of our common friends except one either sided with me, or cut me out. The last guy is how I hear things now and again - but he's keeping her at arms length after hearing the truth.

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Update 3

May 2, 2021 (4 Days after 2nd update)

OOP showed up in the original BoRU comments

Hey everyone!

Wow, this blew up. I genuinely didn't expect this many people to care about how I'm doing, but it's nice to see. Everyone here is being incredibly lovely - and thanks to those who pinged me and told me about this thread.

I'm really glad to see those of you who said that they needed to read this, or the reminder to stick out the hard part. That's why I kept this up - I actually considered deleting it, but I wanted to pass my lesson on instead. If anyone wants to talk in private, my messages are open.

Just to answer a few of the questions I see repeated here and there:

Can you share more details about how she's doing?

Not really. I don't know much, as our circles very much disentangled after the breakup. I try to avoid her, and I've blocked her everywhere, so I don't get many updates except a loose mention here and there. I just know that she's been having trouble with dealing with everything on her own.

Even if I knew, I wouldn't tell, I think. I have no vindictive need to put her on blast - and my life isn't about her anymore. That's the best part. I'm not letting her live rent-free in my head any longer.

As much as I understand the spectator's desire to see a toxic person get their comeuppance, it's important to remember this: as long as I let her unhappiness make me happy, I'm still dependent on her feelings - just inversely so.

In that scenario, she still has power over me. I was truly free the day I no longer cared how she's doing.

(on that note: for those of you who said I got a happy ending, I don't think so. I got a new beginning, and that's even better. For the first time in years, it doesn't feel like my life is over.)

You were kind of shit too, weren't you?

Yeah. I wasn't a saint in that relationship, and while I maintain that I tried my hardest, I made mistakes too. I was bad at communicating my needs, bad at drawing boundaries, and bad at not keeping covert debts for nice things I did.

I'm working on being better. I've made conscious decisions to change those behaviours, and I've asked my new girlfriend to call me out on it if I ever do it. This story isn't black and white, although the shades of grey aren't exactly in the middle. I made mistakes too.

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THIS IS A REPOST COMMUNITY - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS.

I am not the OOP, the OOP is theotherwoman

This is a repost community

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Original Post:

Mar 4, 2025

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Please help me, Lemmy.

I was staying at a friend’s for a month waiting for an affordable room to be available, only to move in and after a week see a bedbug.

It’s a single room, for poor people, with a shared kitchen.

I am poor, work remotely, and my financial situation is bad. I thought this could improve things.

I moved in a week ago, but didn’t move all my stuff in because it’s in boxes in my friend’s garage right now.

I have moved in with 2 outfits, 2 jackets, a work computer, some computer accessories, and have purchased 1 matress and pillow and bed sheet set at target.

The manager of the property beforehand said there haven’t been bed bugs for years, but one of the door has like a block over the bottom with powder in the doorway past the block to kill bugs as like a sort of trap. The manager said prior to my moving in this is just fear from 3 years ago. The units are very affordable and I had to be on a waitlist to get a unit.

I am not sure what to do. The place is mostly quiet and I could work here. I don’t love the area because although it’s low income rent, it’s in a high cost area with many food places nearby charging very high tourist amounts, like any burrito or sandwich is $13 at least. Rent is very low, however.

I could leave now before moving other stuff in, put my stuff in bags except for my work computer when getting back to my friends, and look for a different slightly more expensive place. I can’t stay with my friend long-term because her apartment is next to a distribution center with trucks pulling in and out all night and I wake up easily due to PTSD and always being on alert, even when sleeping. She sleeps through anything. I also don’t like ear-plugs and can’t sleep with them in. When I was staying there I was chronically tired.

Suggestions from Lemmy? How bad are bed bugs? It was only 1 but I squished it. Pest control coincidentally came that day and identified it is a bed bug.

Also, I have not paid rent for this month and it’s due by tomorrow. I could actually leave immediately, today even, and just not pay the rent. My credit is bad already and the money would be useful if it’s a mistake to stay. It’s sleazy to leave wirhout paying for this month, but I am poor and may not have the luxury of paying for a place that could result in a chronic bed bug infestation. I would also lose my deposit.

I also don’t know where it came from. I can’t be totally sure it didn’t come from my friend’s place although I stayed there 5 weeks and saw nothing bad. I also had purchased a new outfit from a store with vintage recycled clothes, like an upscale GoodWill store, but that was 2 weeks ago and there were no bites. It may not be from the new place, but I don’t think I was bitten before the move in. Strangely, I don’t even know if the bedbug I squished bit me. The pest control person said the city has many infestations and could have come from public transportation.

My friend lives 6 hours away by bus and I don’t know as many people there. It’s also a cheaper area and I could move there. I could actually just get a ticket and leave today if everything else is irrational.

I am very tired and don’t know what to think. The time at my friends impacted my mental health and I’m not sure I am seeing it rationally.

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Comments

**ilmagico:**The problem is, if there’s bed bugs and you go somewhere else, it’s very likely they’ll attach to your belonging and hitch a hike to your new place… Best would be have the landlord take care of the issue, it is their responsibility after all.

If the landlord doesn’t cooperate, maybe you can tell them you’ll call pest control yourself and deduct the amount from the rent you owe… no idea how well that would go legally speaking, but maybe it’ll allow you some negotiating leverage. (obligatory IANAL)

OOP: If I stay, I won’t withhold rent. I am only withholding rent if I am leaving, and then I can say I left because it’s not habitable. These places are cheap and the legal costs of filing suit against me would not be worth recovery. They would keep my deposit and then I’d move on. It may be the rational thing to do, to just leave immediately.

grasshopper_mouse: Bed bugs are BAD. Where was the bug when you found it? Was it on you, the floor, your stuff? Was it alive or dead? Could you stay there a few more days without bringing the rest of your stuff from your friend’s place and see if more bugs appear?

Bed bugs spread quickly and can travel on you or your clothes and infest other locations. That being said, it may have just been one. Then again, if it came from the apartment next door, more will likely infiltrate your place. If they are coming from next door, it won’t be enough to spray just your apartment, the entire building will need it.

Sorry for the difficult situation you’re in, this is a tough call.

OOP: the bed bug was on my air mattress, on top of a target fitted sheet, below a larger target sheet used as a blanket. I saw it and squished it and blood came out. I don’t remember if it moved but seemed alive.

I could stay a few more days to see how it goes without bring more stuff in. But I would then need to pay this month’s rent or incur late fees and violate lease terms.

My stuff is all in a closet on shelves. The air mattress is on the ground. It could have come from another apartment. It may be that other residents know, but don’t want fumigation, hence the strange bug traps in front of a door and the white anti-bed-bug stuff sprinkled in front of another door. It could be the bugs come from the street, I slept with a windows open.

My room is almost empty so far.

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Update:

Mar 10, 2025

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fuck you spez

Now that that’s out of the way, here’s an exclusive Lemmy update on my horrible life with more questions.

After the last post, upon the advice of Lemmy, I put everything in trash bags, showered, and left with new clothes in shopping bags.

I changed into the new clothes in a Starbucks, at which the employees suspected I was an intravenous drug user and asked me if I was okay through the door, likely with Narcan in hand.

I told them I was fine, just washing my hands (which made no sense because I had been loudly placing things into garbage bags and opening sealed clothing packets in an echoey room without any water running). Then I continued to put more things in garbage bags, concealed slyly in large branded bags from Target.

Yes, they all thought I was a homeless junky, but it was actually much worse, and after over 10 minutes I emerged in a new sexy outfit, terrified that the police were being called, then grabbed my Frappachino and ran out.

I managed to get to the bus just in time.

All the bags were frozen for days and the contents washed. Everything was salvageable except my alarm clock radio which only plays static now and blinks strangely. It did not like being frozen and washed.

Since then, I have noticed 1 additional bite. I do not know if it was there before. I am terrified. Multiple days have passed since then, but it doesn’t prove I am safe since bed bugs can go days without feeding. If it turns out I still have them and may have spread them, I will deal with that guilt and agony when I know for sure.

I back with my friend but am now rethinking my approach, contemplating that I should have stayed at the bed bug place.

I did not end the tenancy when I left but did keep the cashier’s check that was the rent. I am still unsure of what to do.

I have a family member who is slowly dying in that area, I work remotely and expect I could lose my job any month, they’ve already gutted 90 percent of the department and I would expect other jobs will be next. I have survived many rounds of layoffs however. This family member lives in a small place and is somewhat crazy. I may not be able to see them if I am not in the area.

My credit has also taken a nosedive, so it will be very hard for me to rent something new. I’m considering going back and suffering instead of looking for something cheap here. I could probably get someone to cosign if I did look for a new place. I know no one in this area except my one friend who is not very social.

My head is completely messed up, even more than it was before. In the last post, people responded about the psychological devastation bed bugs cause. I am already there: 2 days of bed bugs and suddenly fleeing and I am on pins and needles, my normally mildly crazy brain gone extra bonkers with what ifs, fear, and suffering.

I am considering going back. The landlord won’t tell me how many treatments have been done in the past year. This seems concerning. I don’t know what to do. They did however do treatments to the room immediately after bed bugs were found, they said. I didn’t feel like they didn’t take it seriously, but am not entirely sure the building isn’t crawling with them all over in other rooms.

What would you do if you were me? Please, tell me Lemmy.

(in conclusion fuck spez)

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Comments

Was_it_something_I_said: Bed bugs will only die from heat, not cold. You can put things in an industrial dryer at a Laundromat in high heat and it will kill them. That or not feeding them for over a year.

ch00f: Yeah, I think the cutoff is 122F which isn’t insanely high.

Mark Rober on the topic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2JAOTJxYqh8

KingJalopy: There’s are a few reasonable responses in this thread but I’m a post control professional. If you want to feel free to message me and I’d be glad to tell you what you can do that will actually get rid of them. Diatomaceous Earth isn’t gonna cut it and cold will do nothing. You need heat and chemicals. They have likely laid eggs in the Tufts, or piping of the mattress. Pesticides won’t penetrate eggs so there is no one time treatment that will cure this. Even if you kill what’s alive you need to kill what hatches after before they lay more eggs. Insect growth regulators will also help. It will take time, patience, and professional grade products. If you can get your hands on crossfire or temprid those work best for bed bugs.

OOP: Would you recommend I return or is that too risky?

Keep in mind there are many, many small rooms there, over 50 likely.

KingJalopy: Oh if there’s that many rooms I would say it’s just gonna be a recurring issue unless they have hired a pest company to deal with this. I have a hotel account that I treat regularly. They have a legal obligation to do so if a customer complains but this is California. When we do find actual evidence of bed bugs we treat every room within 3 doors of that room even if it’s only the one room. They are prolific breeders and unless it’s being professionally addressed I wouldn’t risk it if you can avoid it.

I treat the entire hotel once a month and I still go there at least twice a month to address bed bugs when customers complain. Granted, at a hotel people are constantly coming and going and bringing them with them so it’s a constant battle.

Personally, I would find somewhere else unless the owner is proactively taking care of it. If not, you’ll be going through this more than once I can almost guarantee it.

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Update in the Comments

Mar 13, 2025

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I am considering going back more. The public health inspector I talked with said she last heard of a problem there in 2019, keep in mind this is an affordable housing place with 50+ units, and she said if there is pest control and they are doing treatments it doesn’t sound like a problem. Since many people there aren’t native English speakers, I unfortunately can’t easily ask many of the people who live there. Some of the other people seem a bit tough and I’m not sure how they would react to my approaching them.

I am really far away from most friends and family. I’m worried I may be making a mistake, especially if I were to suddenly get laid off. What if this is a treatable situation and I’m just overreacting?

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Comments

MUTILATIONWAVE: You were being bitten by them. That’s an active infestation. People don’t just go pouring diatomaceous earth in doorways six years after there were bedbugs. I think you will regret living there. Health inspectors don’t know anything. They have no resources to inspect apartments. They can maybe make it to every restaurant twice a year in my experience.

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OOPs last post was a year+ ago so we may never know what they decided to do. Marking this one as inconclusive

I am not the OOP

Do not message anyone mentioned in this post.

TIFU by not telling my doctor how many Tic-Tacs I eat per day + 2 year update

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/DumpsterPuff

Thank you Reddit user: Direct-Caterpullar77 for compiling this story

Originally posted to r/tifu

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Original Post 

Apr 24, 2024

So I'm absolutely fucking obsessed with the Fruit Adventure flavor of Tic-Tacs. The flavor combined with the soft smush they make between your teeth when you chew them makes my brain very happy. I've been buying them in bulk, where each container has 200 candies each, and they come in bulk packs of 12 containers. I tend to eat them by the handful while I'm working or gaming, so in a day I can easily slam through 1-2 containers.

Now keep in mind that on the nutrition label, it says the serving size is 1 candy, and is listed as having 0 calories, which I thought was awesome because I could have as many as I want!

Over the past year, I found that I gained about 40lbs, and nothing about my eating habits had changed as far as I was aware. I told my doctor about it and she was a bit worried, so she had me do a bunch of bloodwork to see if there was a reason why I gained so much weight in a short period of time. Everything came back normal. She referred me to see a weight loss doctor who would also have me see a dietician.

I had been working with the dietician for a few months now, and we have me keep a food log. I had a virtual visit with her today and during it, I was fiddling around with an empty container to keep my hands busy. She saw it and asked where I got such a large container from, so I told her about it and how I eat 1-2 of those per day. She asked why those weren't on my food tracker and I said it was because they're 0 calories so they wouldn't count.

Apparently I was very, very wrong about this. She explained to me that food companies can label something as being "0 calories" if the food's serving size contains 5 or less calories. In reality, each individual Tic-Tac actully has about 2 calories. So essentially, since each container has 200 pieces and I typically have 1-2 of those, I've been eating 400-800+ calories per day of Tic-Tacs, in addition to all the other food I've been eating - which is very likely why I've gained so much weight.

TL;DR: Didn't realize that tic-tacs weren't actually 0 calories and gained a ton of weight because I eat so many a day.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Not3kidsinasuit: I just finished a diploma in a medical field, we were warned about people like you OP. I wish I was joking.

AngstyToddler: Reminds me of when I went to a friend's house and watched him take the pump off a bottle of spray butter and just dump it into the mashed potatoes. I asked him why he didn't just use butter or margarine and he said it was because the spray butter was zero calories. I had to explain the whole concept of "per spray" and did the math to show it had almost the exact same calories as margarine. His wife had gained about 30 lbs since they'd married the year before, and it was apparently because most of his diet hacks meant she was actually eating more calories than ever.

ETA: Remembered another one. He was buying low calorie bread, but never compared the calories to regular bread. Just assumed it was much, much less. Instead of serving her 2 slices of regular bread each morning (190 calories) he was serving her 4 slices of lower calorie bread (240 calories - slathered with "zero calorie" butter spray, of course).

skoulker: Tic tacs are funny. LESS THAN ONE GRAM OF SUGAR PER SERVING!!!!!! But a serving is like one or two and they weigh so little it’s under a gram. (Less than a gram of pure sugar is still sugar)

[deleted] .49 grams per tic tac. Under .5 grams can be considered sugar free.

kafelta: Bro ate 40lbs of tictacs

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Edits

made to the original post

Edit 1: Just wanted to clarify that I'm aware that sugar will in fact make you gain weight (I'm not that stupid), but I never actually read the product ingredients. I assumed they must have been made with something like Xylitol or some other artificial sweetener to make them "0 calories" so it never crossed my mind to check!

Edit 2: Dang y'all are brutal lmao. But at least some good came out of it since apparently, like me, a lot of people didn't realize about the "less than 5 calories per serving" rule can legally be classified as 0 in the US. Personally I wish we could have the model they do in other countries where they list calories per X amount of grams.

Edit 3: MY TEETH ARE FINE 😂 I actually just had a dentist appointment two weeks ago. No cavities or decay, gums are healthy. Despite my candy habit I do take good care of my teeth!

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OOP Updated

Aug 15, 2026/Same Post (over 2 Years later)

Edit 4: It's 08/15/26 and I actually forgot about this post until the other day and I figured I'd share an update. So I did stop eating the tictacs, but did find out I have a legitimate health condition afterwards. After my gallbladder removal a few years ago, I kept having issues where I felt shaky, confused, lethargic, dizzy, irritable, and sweaty shortly after eating meals, especially in the middle of the day. All I knew was that if I grazed on tictacs throughout the day, my symptoms would go away. When I stopped eating the tictacs, my symptoms came back and my doctor had me wear a continuous blood glucose monitor, which was showing readings that kept hitting the low 60s/high 50s, indicating hypoglycemia.

It turns out I developed a condition as a result of the gallbladder removal called postprandial hypoglycemia, meaning you get rapidly dropping blood sugar shortly after eating meals. They don't exactly know why the gallbladder removal causes it, but it explains why the tictacs made me feel better because it prevented those huge drops. After we figured this out, doctor put me on Zepbound in hopes that it will stop those blood sugar crashes. Thankfully it worked and I no longer need to eat candy to feel normal again! And I've been losing some of that weight I gained too. But yeah, it was a wild ride.

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Reddit BoRU Comments of Note

Cassandracork: … did I just learn what is causing me to feel exhausted after meals from a BORU? (Had gallbladder removed last year, had issue ever since.)

TheNightTerror1987: Okay, that bit about gallbladder removal causing postprandial hypoglycemia for OOP is a bit alarming considering that he described how I feel when I eat pit foods, as I call them, (food that makes me hungry if I eat it) eating chocolate helped when I felt like that, and I've had my gallbladder out too . . .

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THIS IS A REPOST COMMUNITY - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS

I am NOT OOP

Originally posted to: Ask A Manager

::: spoiler Trigger Warning hostile workplace, possible sexism :::

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Original Post:

October 16, 2023

The backstory: I went back to university in my late 20s to do my PhD, and shared an office with a few other students for many years. One of the students, Jacob, completed his thesis and was moving back to his home country, so we all went out for congratulatory/farewell drinks. One thing led to another and Jacob and I spent the night together. A few weeks later, I realized I was pregnant and I had no way to contact Jacob. His university email and mobile number had been deactivated since he’d left the university and the country. I didn’t need anything from him and was fine to raise the child alone, but I thought he had a right to know. I googled him a few times over the years but never found him.

This last week, our department head emailed everyone to introduce and welcome our new manager, Jacob, with a photo and a blurb about his education and work history so I know for sure it’s him. The night we spent together changed my life because it made me a parent, so I have thought about Jacob from time to time when my daughter asks about her dad or I notice a genetic trait she didn’t get from me. However, I doubt Jacob has given that night a second thought. I have no idea whether he will have any concerns about being my manager given our history, or whether I’m making a bigger deal of this than I should. For what it’s worth, in my years of sharing an office with Jacob, he seemed easy-going and practical.

In our company, it is common for everyone in the department to reply-all to these introduction emails and introduce themselves, welcome the newcomer aboard and explain how their role will interact with theirs. I’m not sure if my email should note that Jacob and I studied together years ago as a way to get that out in the open? Or should I email him individually and offer to have a discussion about keeping our history out of the workplace if he thinks it’s needed? I’d appreciate any suggestions for language that indicates I’m not concerned and will be completely professional.

And then, in direct contradiction to that, I’d also appreciate a script for a separate email saying “can we please meet outside of work because I need to tell you something important about our history” so I can tell him about his daughter. If you or any commenters think I shouldn’t tell him, or I should let him settle in to his new country and new job first, I would definitely take that on board.

For Alison's response to OOP, please refer to the link here

Additional Information from OOP after Alison pinned her comment onto the post:

Thanks for your comment at the top, Alison. The extent to which I tried to find Jacob wasn’t relevant to my question so I didn’t include the efforts I went to. For the commenters who are curious (understandably), I really did try when I first found out I was pregnant. I asked the other people we shared an office with, but no one had any information. We were students who shared an office and sometimes went to the uni bar together, we never spent any time together outside of uni. I asked Jacob’s thesis supervisor, but it was Christmas/Australian summer here so he was on leave for two months. When he got back, he gave me the address on Jacob’s file, which was of course the Australian address he didn’t live at anymore. The uni had a “next of kin” Australian contact number on file for his aunt, but no one ever answered it when I rang. Jacob is Chinese with a very common surname, and “Jacob” is just the name he used in my country, I don’t know his actual given name. So attempts to find the correct “Mr Wong”, in a country where they don’t use Google or Facebook, went nowhere. I searched for recent publications about Jacob’s thesis topic and found a paper with “Jacob Wong” as one of the authors. I contacted the “corresponding author” and asked for Jacob’s email but they never responded. By this point, I had to give up because I was so sick with hyperemesis gravidarum and needed to focus on my baby’s health.

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Update #1:

June 11, 2024 (About 8 months later)

Thank you for answering my letter. You were right, it was a really big deal. I was viewing the Jacob-as-my-manager problem from his perspective — until I told him otherwise, it was just a simple one night stand over a decade ago — and it didn’t seem like a huge problem. I hated and appreciated the reality check. I regret reading the comments, but thank you also for moderating them as quickly as you did.

A lot happened in a short space of time (thankfully I already had a therapist!). First, I spoke to my union rep who said, “Say NOTHING but call us if HR tries to set up a meeting with you.” Staying silent and having Jacob independently declare the prior relationship when he arrived would have been problematic because I’d still end up in the same position and I would have lied by omission. Our HR team can be gossipy and they know the age of my half-Chinese daughter, so I needed to have as much control as possible over the disclosure. I spoke to an employment lawyer who reviewed our policies and, at his suggestion, I wrote an email to HR declaring a prior relationship with Jacob.

And then I was immediately pushed out. Even if you have all the legal support in the world, you can’t prevent someone from doing something illegal, you just have recourse afterwards. In a meeting with my lawyer, the union rep, HR, and a member of the senior management team, I was asked to resign. When I said no, they insisted on a statutory declaration about the relationship with Jacob stating what happened, when it happened, how many times it happened (??) and who initiated it (??). I also said no to that. We ended the meeting with each side agreeing to think about possible solutions.

The company’s solution was to start messing with my pay, my benefits, my swipe card access to my office, my computer log in, and my email/calendar account. They spread rumors about me and I heard coworkers whispering that I’d had an affair with a manager. They sent me for a “random” drug test at a time when I was scheduled for an important meeting with clients. They cancelled accommodation that had been booked for upcoming travel, which I only found out about because I was getting paranoid and called the hotel.

I can’t describe how awful it feels to know that someone with this kind of power over your job is devoting their time and energy to thinking of ways to screw with you. Every day I was going into work wondering what was waiting for me and it was wearing me down fast. The advice from the union rep was to go back in time and follow their first piece of advice, or just keep documenting everything as we prepared to take legal action. The lawyer estimated that it would take at least a year to get any kind of resolution, and I didn’t even want the job anymore. By this point, I wasn’t sleeping much and I had cried a few times at work. I was beginning to crack and we were only just getting started.

So, I resigned. I wish I’d held up better under the pressure but it was all just too much with the looming deadline of Jacob’s start date at our office, and whatever way HR was going to drag him into this. I’m lucky that I can take my time looking for a new job, so I’ve had some space to process everything.

Outside of the work stuff, I spoke with a family lawyer who outlined all the possible ways this situation could go, and what the most likely outcomes were. Basically, my daughter is old enough that what she wants would get heavily weighted by a court if it came to that. I have spoken to my daughter many times about her father. I told her what I knew about him and that I had tried to contact him. I’ve offered for her to see a therapist if she ever wanted to talk about it with someone who wasn’t me, and she has always said “thanks, but no thanks.”

The family lawyer helped me write a letter which I left for Jacob. I told him about his daughter, said I wasn’t trying to get anything from him, and gave him the contact details of my lawyer. After a few weeks (of me freaking out that HR had somehow intercepted the letter), he emailed my lawyer. He was the easy-going and practical Jacob I remembered. He was still processing it but said he wasn’t going to take any legal steps, he offered us his family medical history, he apologized if I resigned because of him, and he said he would like to meet our daughter if she’s interested. She also has some siblings. I told her all this, she said she’s happy that she has her father’s contact info but she doesn’t want to meet him right now. She’s of the view that having him in our lives would cause unwanted disruption. And she doesn’t even know about the work clusterfudge.

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Update #2:

June 9, 2025 (about one year later from the last update)

I’m incredibly grateful for the support you and the AAM community gave me at a stressful time, so I thought I’d share a final update.

My daughter changed her mind and has been in contact with Jacob. It’s still a bit awkward between them but they have some hobbies in common, which they’ve bonded over. My daughter also seems very excited to have some siblings who adore their cool new big sister.

I know some people were wondering why my old company reacted the way they did. For reasons I can’t go into, my work gets scrutinised by outside authorities and my manager’s role is primarily a quality control one. Any suggestion that my manager had not checked my work impartially enough due to a personal relationship could have been career-ending for both of us.

Additionally, the work I do is in a very specialist field and there are only a handful of people in the country who do it. Another company in a similar field had initially approached Jacob, who has had an amazing career by the sounds of it, to start a new department at their company doing the same thing. My old company paid a buttload of money to lure him over so that he wouldn’t be in direct competition for clients (and employees).

All of this meant that I couldn’t report to Jacob, there was no other manager I could report to, and the company couldn’t risk him going back to their competitor. Between the two of us, Jacob was the better asset to keep and the worse threat to lose. I’m not excusing the behaviour of my old company, but there was a logic to it. I’m still angry about the way they treated me and how helpless I felt, but that is slowly fading over time.

I had trouble finding a new job. Financially, we were okay so I was being picky (e.g. wanting to stay in my current city). After almost a year out of work, Jacob told me he’d been approached by the first company who still wanted him to start their new department. He was happy at my old company but he offered to take the new role if I wanted to try to get my old job back. I would never ask him to do that, and I also never want to go anywhere near that company again, so I said no.

Jacob turned the other company down but gave them my name. It’s a step up from where I was but they interviewed me and I got the job! I’ve been here about 6 months and it’s enjoyable so far, plus I’ve never procreated with anyone in my chain of command so it seems like a good place to work.

I’ve hired one of my former coworkers, plus two recent graduates from my alma mater who are bright, motivated and quickly getting up to speed. Unlike my old company, we don’t have a lengthy waitlist for our services (yet!) so a few clients have started coming to us instead of them. I am delighted that I am becoming the very threat my old company was trying to avoid when they pushed me out.

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

Marked Concluded as we're unlikely to get additional updates on this story.

I am NOT OOP

Originally posted to: Ask A Manager

::: spoiler Trigger Warning Harassment, Shitty boyfriend :::

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Original Post:

August 20, 2025

Am I in the wrong for not wanting to work on projects with my boyfriend/manager at work?

My boyfriend and I both work at the same place. He is the facilities manager and I am the facilities technician.

For the most part we work separately. But from time to time, something comes up where we have to work together, and whenever that happens my stomach starts flip flopping and turning the second I hear that we are going to be working together. I absolutely dread it.

Every time we have worked together in the past, he suddenly changes into almost a different person. He’s mean. He yells at me for everything I do and don’t do.

At first I thought it was me and that I just needed to back off and wait for his direction instead of just jumping in. I thought this because he would yell at me for being in his way and for not knowing how he was trying to do it (but he doesn’t communicate how he wants to do stuff, he just expects me to read his mind and know.) So I tried backing off and waiting for his direction. And doing that results in him yelling at me for standing there doing nothing and not knowing what he wants me to do (for not reading his mind.)

Since neither of those worked, I tried to initiate communication with him before we started and asked him to explain what he wants me to do so I can know going into it and won’t be in his way, slowing him down and am able to contribute what he expects me to. And I’ve told him I don’t want to get yelled at. Well, that doesn’t work either. He gets mad at me for asking questions and tells me I need to follow his directions and shut my mouth. But he doesn’t give me direction, yells at me when I try and get some direction, and yells at me if I try and wing it without asking for direction.

I’m frustrated. I just want to cry. He just informed me that next week we have to work together to replace the siding on one of the cabins on our site. My stomach is doing flip flops and I am stressing out. He saw in my face that I don’t want to work with him and told me that I’m going to have to figure it out.

But I’ve tried to figure it out! Nobody wants to be treated like shit by the person they are working with and if the person you are working with doesn’t communicate with you other than to yell at you, it’s very difficult to work efficiently with them.

I tried to explain that I can’t work with him if he’s going to yell at me the whole time, and he told me that I need to just shut my mouth and follow directions. I feel like he is being super disrespectful and I don’t understand why he acts like this when we work together. It literally doesn’t matter if I do exactly what he tells me to do (if he tells me what to do) or not, because either way he is going to yell at me and tell me how stupid I am. I’ve never been treated like this before by anyone I’ve worked with ever.

I feel like I’ve done and tried everything I can think of to make it work and not get yelled at, and I’m starting to think that maybe the problem isn’t just me. Maybe it’s him. Maybe he is actually being the one that is making it impossible for us to work together? But maybe I’m wrong? Maybe it is me? I don’t know? Am I wrong for not wanting to work with him? Am I wrong for starting to think that maybe he is the issue that we are having? What should I do?

Alison does not wish us to share her responses so you can find it here.

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Update:

August 4, 2026 - Almost a year later

I went into work that day, the day we were set to be working together all day, and I was surprised to find that he had listened to all the little things that I thought had gone unnoticed and unheard the couple of days prior to project day. I had kept telling him that I really want us to be able to get along and work productively and easily together and would mention the things that I needed from him in order to avoid him getting frustrated. For example, one of the things I told him I needed was for him to explain to me exactly what he wanted me to do, like what my role/job was that day so I wasn’t getting in his way or not doing my part correctly, and so he wasn’t sitting there frustrated waiting for me to help him with something while I was wrapped up in doing something else that he didn’t need help with right at that moment … because our biggest issue, in my opinion, has always been his lack of communicating and instead just expecting me to read his mind and know what he wants or needs me to do.

At the time I was telling him those things, it seemed as though he wasn’t listening to what I was saying. So I was feeling hopeless and anxiety-ridden and I was stressed out about it and thought that it was going to be like every other time that we have tried to work together.

I went into work that morning dreading what was to come. But to my surprise, he was acting differently than he usually does when we have to work together. First thing when I got there, he told me that he wanted to take me over to the cabin that we were going to be working on so he could show me what we were going to be doing. So we drove over there and he showed me how he had set everything up and what lumber pile was what, and explained the process of how he wanted us to get it done and showed me how he wanted me to do it.

Because he took the time to explain everything to me in depth, I knew what my role was and what I needed to do and we worked great together! He didn’t get frustrated, I wasn’t walking on eggshells, everything just flowed, and we had a very productive day where we got along well and were able to finish everything so that he could paint that cabin and be done with it.

And since that day, we have had fewer issues when we have had to work together. There are still times where he doesn’t communicate with me and gets frustrated, but it’s happening less and less. He obviously had been listening to the things I had been telling him I needed. Maybe my sharing with him that I was stressed and anxious about having to work with him helped him to be open to trying what I was asking of him? I’m not really sure what caused him to approach things differently that day, but I’m really glad that we did that project together. It seemed to bring about a much needed shift in the way we work together.

We recently had a big project where we had three more cabins added to the 40 we have on the property. The higher-ups thought it would be a great opportunity to re-number all the cabins and move all the cabin names around so that they would be in alphabetical order from the entrance to the exit, because apparently that is how all our other outposts are set up. Well, that moving of the names around was a total nightmare! Not only did it cause mass confusion among all of our employees when trying to locate the cabins they are assigned to or need to deliver stuff to, but it was a nightmare of a project. We didn’t just have to move the signs for the cabins around, we had to also move their wifi equipment and their door locks because our tech guy said it was too much for him to rename all the wifi equipment and locks.

So the guy in charge of the project flew out to help my boyfriend and me for the two days they gave us to do the work. Well, after the first few cabins they did together, my boyfriend was so frustrated! Go figure … they weren’t working well together … it wasn’t just me. You could tell the other guy was feeling just totally down and was worried that the project wouldn’t get done on time.

Towards the end of the day, they still hadn’t gotten all the cabins done that they needed to that day to stay on schedule and so the guy who flew out to help asked if I could go around with him and help him get some more done since I don’t leave work until two hours after my boyfriend does. We worked together just fine. The next day he decided that he was going to send my boyfriend around on his own and he and I would work together. We were able to get it all done and neither of us had to deal with my difficult-to-work-with boyfriend. I felt so bad for this other person because of what happened the first day and I knew how he felt. And I’m glad that I was able to step in and help so he didn’t have to deal with all that again the next day.

So my boyfriend has been working on the way he goes about working with me, but he obviously isn’t putting that same effort into trying to work with anyone else better. Which sucks. But it’s a start, I guess.

He does treat me differently at work vs. at home and isn’t like that towards me outside of work. It’s like this weird work persona he puts on and attitude he has at work. I don’t understand it or why he does it. He’s used to working construction type jobs where the guys all talk smack to each other … maybe that is part of it? But I’m not some dude that he works with. And when I got my position, he was aware that he was going to have to teach me stuff, .that I didn’t know how to do everything that the job required of me. So I’m not sure why he just expected me to know.

Thank you for verifying to me that it wasn’t just a me thing. Deep down, I knew it wasn’t me but I’ve gone through some abuse and stuff in my past that probably contributes to my questioning myself. I’ve had counseling and even volunteered at a domestic violence agency for a while (which was so unexpectedly healing!) but I’m still working on learning and growing from that whole experience.

I was not at all expecting him to handle us working together the way that he did that day. But I believe that by him trying it differently, he was able to see things could flow and go well. And I think that has inspired him to work on taking that approach and allowed him to see the value in taking a little time to communicate and explain it all to me first when we have to work together. We have had our ups and downs and sometimes he doesn’t communicate, but those instances are happening less and less as time goes on.

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs

THIS IS A REPOST COMMUNITY - I AM NOT OOP

Marked Concluded just because we're unlikely to get any additional updates.

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS.

** I am NOT OP.** Original post by u/Majestic_Channel_815 in r/whatdoIdo and compilation Reddit post by u/PinkPussycatPower

::: spoiler Trigger Warning Sexual predation, invasion of privacy, voyeurism, stalking, sexual harassment :::

::: spoiler Mood Warning Deeply unsettling, infuriating, ultimately vindicating :::

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Original Post:

August 12, 2026

My step dad is acting very creepy towards me (19)

I feel like I’m losing my mind so sorry if this is all over the place. My mom got married to this guy around a year ago, but they’ve been together for around two. He wasn’t weird till he moved in, or maybe I just didn’t notice it. It’s been little things but it’s just progressively gotten worse and I don’t know what do to. I’ll give some examples. One time I went shopping at Victoria Secret and I put the bags in my room. I left again immediately after because I went to hang out with a friend. When I came back, he asked me why I would buy such expensive underwear when I could just “get a pack at Walmart or something”.

I figured maybe he saw the bags when I got home? Then said “I mean blue? Really?” (The colour of the underwear i bought) I was immediately disgusted and embarrassed. Not only does that mean he went through my stuff, he also went in my room for no reason. Is that a regular occurrence and he just so happened to see the bags that time? I feel like if you see a victoria secret bag you already know what’s in it, so why would he have to go through it?? I told my mom and she said he’s just being overprotective… Another example is that I have a boyfriend and I do go see him often.

Every time I leave the house he’ll say “off to see that little boyfriend of yours again??” He never says his name even though I know he knows it. Or “don’t get pregnant or I’ll kick you out.” He always says he’s joking after but is that not an odd thing to say?? There’s a couple more examples but I don’t want to make this post too long. Anyway, what made me make this post is something that happened recently that makes me very uncomfortable and grossed out. Him and my mom went out on a date night so I asked my mom if I could invite my boyfriend over. She has never said no before, and this time is no different. He overheard and said “We both know why you want him over” in an angry tone.

My mom brushed him off and said yes, so they left. My boyfriend came over and we were in my room. We were watching tv but at the end of the day he is my boyfriend, so we started kissing. He crawled on top of me and that’s when my stepdad barged in without knocking and started yelling at us. We didn’t hear them come home. I’ll admit, it did look bad, but why does he care so much about my sex life? My mom knows and is fine with it as long as I’m safe. He said stuff like I can’t have sex in “his house” (it’s my mom’s) and just saying controlling things. My mom calmed him down but for the rest of the night he kept opening my door trying to “catch us” in the act, so my boyfriend just went home.

I feel like I’m entitled to my own space because I do partially pay for rent, but even if I didn’t, is his behaviour still not weird? The easiest solution is to move out but that’s just not possible right now. I only work part time because of school. I just feel stuck. I could try talking to my mom again but with more details, but I’m scared of her reaction. I don’t want to feel like I’m making a big deal of things again. Literally any advice would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.

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TOP COMMENTS

CrashBangXD: None of those comments are ok. Ask your mum to spend time together one on one so that you’ve got an open and safe environment. Document instances of this, as in dates, times and instances to give you a proven breakdown of evidence of his behaviour

Apart_Foundation1702: Oh he is definitely a red flag! OP, He clearly doesn't agree with your mum's parenting, he does come off creepy. Is there another family member you can stay with, under the same arrangement as your mum?? Or maybe look for a room to rent.

OOP: I do have other family but they live too far away. I’ve been looking for places but have been unsuccessful so far

Educational_Ask_1790: I highly HIGHLY recommend buying an indoor ring camera or any sort of indoor surveillance camera to stick somewhere in your room. This guy is a creep and hes a weirdo. Hes more than likely going into your room or maybe he even has a camera of his own in there.

Frozencacticat: He 100% knows what he’s doing. This isn’t normal. You’re not crazy. You’re not being dramatic. You’re not wrong to feel like something is wrong. Your mother needs to step up and pay attention! I’d try to get some time alone with your mother and just be honest. Just start out with the fact that you don’t even want to talk about this and that it makes you very uncomfortable and stressed, and then tell her exactly what’s been going on. All of it. Tell her you don’t feel safe. Tell her you’re afraid of how he will react.

In the meantime, I’d find a way to lock your bedroom door. I don’t know if you can change the knob without them knowing and freaking out but maybe you can get something online to wedge it locked or push something in front of the door to make it hard to get in? Idk he just freaks me out. The underwear thing and the comments about your boyfriend are extremely inappropriate! If he cared about you in a normal fatherly way he would have told you gently to be careful and be safe and that you can always come to him if you need anything. He did not do that. He loudly told you to not get pregnant in a joking manner. That is not a joke and it is a weird thing to say to a young girl.

He also hasn’t been with your mother near long enough to have earned the “father” role. It’s tricky and it takes time. You can’t, as an adult man, barge into a girls life and expect her to immediately respect you as a father figure. You need to earn that, and it takes years. But that is beside the point, just a small part of the issue here Anyways, sorry this was a lot. It really upsets me to read this cause I remember being a 19 year old. Trying to figure out who I was, finishing school up and not knowing what I wanted to do with my life. Being essentially broke and completely reliant on my dad. It’s not easy. I’m 28 now and my God.. I don’t think I’d ever go back and do that all again. Life is hard enough for a teenager without a creepy man living in your home saying and doing weird creepy stuff.

To recap: you are NOT crazy. You didn’t sound like you were trying to make him sound better or worse. Your post was very matter of fact + how you felt. You are not dramatic or wrong. He is wrong. He knows it. Your mother likely has already noticed and is either making an excuse in her head or possibly also thinking “no way he isn’t like that”. So I think talking to her and being honest about it all is key right now. Try not to spend time alone with him. He seems unpredictable. I know it’s an “easier said than done” situation but just do your best. Think about a plan b and c. Like, if your mom isn’t receptive, who are you going to go to next? I know it’s stressful but just have it in your back pocket just in case. Maybe a teacher or your boyfriend’s parents might be able to help as well.

Anyways, talk to your mom asap. Keep him far away as much as you can. Don’t ever feel crazy or wrong. Trust your instincts, they are there to protect you. One thing I wish I learned years ago was to always trust my gut. Being safe is better than being sorry. I’ll be thinking of you! Please, if you feel up to it, keep us updated! Good luck OP!

OOP: Thank you so much for this. It really helped.

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Update:

August 16, 2026 (4 DAYS LATER)

My step dad is acting very creepy towards me - UPDATE

Firstly I want to thank everyone for the advice. Just to address some things I saw in the comments of my last post. Yes, my actual dad is in my life and our relationship is great. I haven’t/can’t move in with him because he lives too far. I also never told him about the situation with my step dad at that time because I’ll know he’d do something he’d regret. My dad is a good man but has severe anger issues when people hurt me. He’s been to jail over it in the past. He went to therapy and is way better now, but I didn’t want any chance of messing up all his progress. As for my boyfriend, I have stayed over at his place many times but moving in permanently isn’t really possible because he has a roommate of his own, so I’m not sure why people were trying to shift some blame on him. He’s not a bum, he’s not leeching off of me, he’s simply also 19 and starting out his life. As for moving out in general , you guys must have been very lucky to have been in a better position than me at my age. I can’t simply move out on a whim. I only work part time (trying to get more hours) plus I go to school. I can’t afford a place on my own plus tuition, the cost of living is too high where I am. Being 19 doesn’t immediately make you on your feet. It’s only my first year out of highschool. Just needed to get that out of the way.

As for the actual update, I’m afraid it’s worse than what i thought. As soon as I saw the first comment about a potential hidden camera it scared me so much so that I immediately bought one of those camera detector things. When it came, I waited till he wasn’t home to try it out. I found 3. One in front of my bed, one above it, and one on my dresser. They are scarily small, but I still feel so dumb for not noticing. Couldn’t describe the feeling I had when I found them. I threw up and my mom heard and ran to comfort me. When I got myself together, I told her everything. Every action that made me uncomfortable, every comment he said that felt weird. I showed her the cameras I found.

Her face immediately dropped and she started crying. She just asked over and over why didn’t I tell her sooner and it just made me feel that much more awful. It was my fault that I didn’t tell her. She apologized over and over again and said she failed me. We had a much needed convo and afterwards. Said that she just thought it was uncomfortable between us because it’s a new adjustment for all of us. She searched the rest of the house for me because i honestly couldn’t deal with finding others. She found one in the bathroom then searched his office. He always told us we weren’t allowed in because that’s where his work stuff is and he doesn’t want us to “mess it up.” I waited at the door while she searched, and in the drawers she found random stuff of mine and an old phone that we don’t know of.

On the phone there are pictures and videos from my social media accounts, of me sleeping, changing, me being intimate with my boyfriend, all in my room. She also found a couple pairs of my underwear that I didn’t even notice went missing, a couple of my hair ties, and after that I went back to my room. I couldn’t watch anymore of that. I called my boyfriend to pick me up while my mom called the police because I just couldn’t stay in that house for any longer. He held me and I cried for what felt like hours till I fell asleep. I woke up and called my mom and told me the run down of what happened. I don’t know all the details because I couldn’t bear to hear much. Basically he came home to the cops and completely owned up to putting cameras in my room. His defense was that he needs to know everything that’s going on in “his” house. As for my stuff and the pictures, he claims he doesn’t know how it got there.

He’s arrested but that’s all I know so far. I told my dad and he’s driving down now. I haven’t been asked to make a statement yet, and I don’t know how any of that works honestly. It’s triggering to even think about. But yeah, there’s the update. To the people who sent me hateful and hurtful things and told me this was all in my head, especially u/mysterymeat45 and u/pazsion80423294, i hope you never have kids. If you hate privately you should be called out publicly. Even if you are troll accounts it’s still insanely fucked up to say the things you did. To everyone who gave me actual, genuine advice, I wish nothing but the best for you all and thanks again so much. If it weren’t for you guys I’d probably think I was still being dramatic. I most likely won’t update again, i already want to move on from this situation. Sorry if this is jumbled. Everything is still so fresh, but writing it out is somehow helping me process it, I think.

Edit: stop calling me “lucky” because he didn’t do worse. I don’t feel lucky at all.

Here are just a couple more examples since people didn’t think the ones my other post were damming enough, and to also maybe help someone else in a similar situation see signs. 1, He would ALWAYS need to know where I am and who I’m with. I find this weird because he’s not my dad, I’m an adult, and I would tell my mom. My mom telling him wasn’t enough. He’d say “no, I want to hear it from HER mouth.” 2, he would often open my packages if I didn’t get to them in time. Very annoying and weird. I ordered the camera detector when the arrival time was while he was at work, so I got lucky there. 3, always commenting on my outfits. Would tell me unwanted “advice”, and that I look like a hooker if I wore shorts/skirts/anything “revealing”. 4, would always ask me about birth control/using protection. “Are you on the pill? If not that little fucker (my boyfriend) better be wrapping it up.” He’d say stuff like this at the most random times too. 5, would always try to use my mom against me. If we got into an argument he would make himself seem like the victim, always. My mom would always say to leave her out of it. 6, he would sometimes groan or say “you again??” Very annoyed when I walked in a room. It was over exaggerated to the point where he could brush it off as a joke if he wanted, but I knew it wasn’t a joke. 7, if I bought something and came home with bags, he’d interrogate me about what I bought. The VS bag is the only time I have hard proof that he went through my stuff. 8, he was super weird about my boyfriend. He would never say his name, just “that little boyfriend of yours.” If I went to go see him he’d roll his eyes and say “again?” Or “don’t you spent too much time with him?” 9, pushing me to call him dad even though he never even come close to having that title. 10, would never ever knock before opening my door. Even though I told him to, repeatedly. Thats all I can really think of right now.

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TOP COMMENTS

lizziebee66: Sweetie, whilst your mum’s reaction upset you that she was also upset, hold on to the fact that she 100% believed you. She loves you and has your safety at the centre of her world. Stay safe and loved

Bulky-Mycologist-402: The fact that 3 separate cameras were found is absolutely sickening & frightening. I hope this guy gets punished to the fullest extent of the law. So sorry to hear you had to endure this, it's very disheartening & wretched knowing this creep thought he can be sneaky and get away doing some shit like this.

Illustrious-Tart7844: Hi, OP. I’m a former domestic violence victim advocate and I’ve worked with women who have gone through similar incidents and worse... I’m so sorry this happened to you. You didn’t deserve this at all. You handled it PERFECTLY and I’m astounded by your strength. Please wrap yourself in support. You will get through this and come out stronger on the other side. Take care of yourself, please. 💜

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOP

THIS IS A REPOST COMMUNITY - I AM NOT OOP

I am not the OOP, OOP is Reddit:u/Dunnachius

Story Compiled by: Reddit:u/JoySubtraction

Originally posted to: r/JustNoHOA (first 2 posts) and r/fuckHOA (last 2 posts)

Note: Possibly a fake story ::: spoiler click for possible fake spoiler Reddit u/randomndude01 posted:

OOP has posted their living situation a year ago and it seems like his luck has completely flipped.

https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/s/ub9mtHy6Wg

There’s a two year gap between his latest comment and this post, homeless and living in their car.

Can’t say if this entire thing was true or not but he does say he went into a debt spiral.

Reddit u/Minimum_Reference_73 posted:

There's a later post where he talks about stealth living in his van and stuff, so that makes me wonder.

And there are several posts about how the legal system does not work that way where OP is claiming to be from.

:::

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Original Post: Jan 29, 2022

Long story short, I bought a house in an HOA, in a gated community.

(free standing single family residence)

The property was purchased through a foreclosure auction, knowing it had a property tax lien on it as well (and the dollar amount). I had to buy the tax lien from a speculator that bought the lien at auction. He told me he was waiting on some arbitrary timeframe in order to able to force a sale on the lien.

regardless... the sale is final and all Liens have been cleared.

The previous owner WAS in the HOA prior to his death.

Regardless of the situation I own the property free of clear of any and all liens. I didn't purchase the house through "normal channels". For example the "dead guy" never signed anything in the HOA documents transferring ownership. I also never agreed to follow the CCRs when I purchased the house. Because I didn't buy the house from the former owner, just the gubment.

However every time (like literally every single time) I head out to the property to do any work on/in it I get hounded by one or more of 4 or so busy bodies who keep trying to get me to sign the contract, they keep telling me it's mandatory and I keep telling them "I'm going to have my attorney look at them and I'll get back to you"

They also point out that the HOA had right of first refusal in selling the home and I shouldn't have been able to buy it without first signing the contract. (well I did, so screw them) Everything I can find says that the HOA is voluntary/non-Mandatory and I've never signed shit.

Well, one of my questions is that while the house used to be in the HOA, I don't know if it is grandfathered in because it was in the HOA already? Or is it not in the HOA because I haven't signed yet? Or is the mere act of buying the house legally put in me the HOA even if I haven't signed anything?

Supposedly, the "voluntary" HOA is 100% (minus me) of the neighborhood and they have a contract giving right of first of first refusal on any resale of the property. (Good luck enforcing that on a tax/mortgage auction with a dead guy). They also required anyone who bought a house to sign the contract with the HOA before the builder would sell. And one of the things in the HOA contract is that the HOA has the right of first refusal on any sales.

So am I in a legal grey area in a very tightly controlled voluntary HOA? Or is there something sketchy going on with the way they have it set up?

I also have yet to receive a gate access key, I have had luck just tailgating other cars in thru the gate. I also don't have a street parking sticker, nor do I have any way to request guest parking passes or any of that crap that the paper work talks about.

Or do I stand to have an issue over the right of first refusal crap?

I know.. "Don't sign" is the the correct answer, but what sort of troubles am I going to be in over this bullshit?

PS

If I can really get away with not joining i'm going to park the biggest most mad Maxian truck in the front yard in the grass and paint it neon orange/purple stripes, and build a 20 foot pirate ship in the back yard complete with crows nest.

OOP added in a comment:

I contacted a lawyer for a consultation and he has yet to get back to me. Which means one meeting over the phone to collect all my information, however long to research everything than he will let me know what the situation is.

There is in fact "community assets" that they spend money on and more than likely some potion of the infrastructure isn't government maintained. The gates aren't freely provided by the government of course.

I pulled a flyer off the club house bulletin board with instructions on what to tell the uber/door dash driver so they can access the gate and bingo.. i'm in. They set up a code specifically to tell the delivery/rideshare/taxi drivers and posted it on the memo board. So this is like the least secure gate in the history of gates

The question of overnight parking tags is still a mystery I haven't solved and they tow anything parked on the street after dark.

As of today I have gate access codes (but still no sticker).

They came by again and their reaction to me indicates that this is a voluntary HOA that is doing well to pretend to be a mandatory HOA.

They have been working me over with the "Carrot" trying to get me to sign. I'm curious as to when they will switch to the stick and start threatening fantasy legal action.

They've already promised to "Give me plenty of time" to fix the yard and the house before they start fining me. Which is a verbal handshake Promise from an HOA Karen so on a scale of 1-10 I trust them as -5/10.

"isn't this a nice neighborhood?"

"Have you seen the club house?"

"Have you tried the pool?"

They are killings me with kindness, which is significantly better than then stabbing me in the back but still annoying as shit.

But yes, I'm making damned sure I don't sign anything.

Additional things I've learned

But I also learned that yard from the sidewalk to the road (and mailbox) are all HOA property, which means there is a significant amount of HOA assets. And technically under the property ownership rules they can enforce no blocking of the sidewalks/parking in the drive way even if I'm not a member of the HOA. However the zone of my driveway between the house and the sidewalk are my property.

There's also planters in the center of the Cu du sacs that are volunteer maintained with plants purchased with HOA funds, with home depot/lowes/walmart being the only approved sources that you can receive reimbursement in the CCRs.

I've been looking for "brother in law" kickback deals for contractors and it seems that the only requirements for contractors is that they use licensed bonded contractors and only approved paint colors/styles. Virtually everything in materials lists "or visually equivalent replacements"

It also doesn't require approval for repairs/maintenance just notification.

For what they are actually charging I might consider paying them, I know that it's a trap and I shouldn't but I can see why people would.

Still leaning on diagonally painting orange/purple neon stripes and replacing my yard with natural wild flowers and other native plants. And then I'm also considering displaying a vintage 1994 pickup truck in the yard on display cinder blocks.

Comments

dobber1965: They have to give you gate access. There was a case here in central Florida somewhat similar and the HOA had to give access to the new owners.

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Update 1

I beat the HOA... I won't be forced to join. GO LAWYERS! posted 2022-02-18

So earlier this month I purchased a property in real estate lien auction. the property was in a voluntary HOA that had 100% membership.

My attorney looked into the situation and drafted a proposal and sent it to the HOA via registered mail.

He drafted up a proposal agreement with the HOA with the following conditions.

1. The property owner has unrestricted access to any community owned roadways, gates, ect necessary to access his property.
2. This does not constitute joining the HOA.
3. The property owner will pay a figure monthly to the HOA to contribute to the non government owned infrastructure, at his discretion. The amount is non negotiable and not legally required, merely an acknowledgement that the assets exist and have costs for their upkeep.
4. The property owner will not be held to any HOA standards.
5. The property owner does not and will not get any voting rights in the HOA.
6. Any further attempts to get the property owner to join will be considered harassment.
7. Cashing of the attached checks constitutes agreeing to these terms.
8. the HOA will provide any necessary access codes for the property owner to use for visitors, contractors, ect.

They received it and signed for it. That day the harassment from the HOA stopped. A week later their attorney sent back a response.

Dunnachius

The HOA board has met, they do not appreciate your uneighborly attitude and are not agreeing to your terms.

However they acknowledge that your claim to unrestricted access to your property may have legal merit if the issue is taken to court. I have been instructed to give you a gate access code, attached below. You will not be given a keyfob to the gate as it would give you unrestricted access to their clubhouse.

Furthermore they are notifying you of the following, the roadway and sidewalk are both HOA property and they reserve the right to remove any illegally parked vehicles or other property.

This is however a legal acknowledgement that you will not be held to their community standards. They also are requesting some leeway regarding harassment as community notices may inadvertently be delivered.

Finally they are returning the check uncashed.

The HOA attorney

I'm not quite understanding how this doesn't constitute them agreeing to my terms thou.. They are giving me everything I want and are turning down my gift towards the upkeep of the road/gate.

--

OOP added in a comment:

I put in a call to a solar company to come out and do a quote on installing solar. Completely not allowed by the HOA bylaws. So going to have to do it for sure. (note, not going to finance it, no contract ect, that's how those turkeys make their money)

All joking aside..

Today I mowed my lawn, started at 7:00 am before it got too hot and knocked that out. Hmm... since i measured twice I'm going to cancel my long term parking for my RV and move it there since my driveway is plenty long enough. Plus I can sleep in the RV while i'm getting the house into livable shape.

I'd throw a party but the big issue with that is that it isn't livable yet... as in it's a toxic disaster and I can't live in it. I have a call for a 12 foot dumpster to come in as well and the trash company is going to drop it in the driveway.

I'm also in the market for the tallest ugliest ham radio tower I can get. No actual interest in using, just in case....

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Update 2:

FHOA Getting harassed by HOA I'm not a part of. (and have refused to join) posted 2022-03-01

So... I purchased my property in a quasi non-voluntary HOA in forced sale. I cleared the liens (Which were disclosed prior to my purchase) and have been fixing up the property.

I'm currently "living" in an RV I have parked in the front yard. I have it up on concrete blocks. Totally in violation of the HOA but I'm not a member. The interior of the house is not livable (pretty bad hoarding situation) and I have a standing order with the trash company to have a 10 yard bin that gets swapped out every Friday. I predict another 2-3 months until that service can be canceled.

The dumpster every week is on top of bags of clothing that goes to goodwill and all the crap I put up on craigslist and ebay for sale. Plus I have enough shampoo and conditioner to keep my hair silky smooth and smelling of spring time for the next 50 years.

The HOA has been harassing me to join, I thought we settled the argument but screw them. They also attempted to have my RV towed off my front yard, fortunately I had already made efforts to prevent it from being towed. Namely I called the towing company the HOA had a contract with and my lawyer explained the situation. They also started sending me fines in the mail and I'm adding them to the harassments file.

Not being dumb enough to be sued the towing company agreed that they wouldn't tow any vehicle from any space that could be defined as "123 oak street" without my direct authorization. Including but not limited to the driveway, garage, front yard, or street in front of 123 Oak street.

We also saw a way for them to profit from the situation. This is my pro revenge on them.

We have a standing deal that they can drive the tow truck to my house, then they knock on my door and ask if I called the tow. If I say no they charge the HOA for wasting their time, and If I don't answer they can still charge the HOA for wasting their time.

The towing company hit them for about $500 before they caught on to the deal they made with me.

Some good news... i've successfully gotten into the bathroom and cleaned out all the children's clothing and decades old pizza boxes and bags of onion peels. So after a great deal of elbow grease I might actually be able to shower in my house soon.

OOP added in a comment:

House is livable and I’ve moved in.

Outside is up to my personal level of acceptable.

Livable is a matter of debate. Toxic death trap? No…

Could I rent it out? No…

I have one bedroom and the master bath done. I have the carpet/drywall etc ripped out and the insulation replaced.

The kitchen is not done and won’t be until I get the money to finish. It’s a do the work as the money comes up situation. I have tile down and the cabinets will be next.

I have a fridge, microwave and coffee pot inside and a gas grill outside I do my cooking on.

The other 2 bedrooms and living room are clean. It’s basically one really huge space with insulation showing and studs. I have a cheap area rug in the living room with a tv on a stand and my fugly couch.

Like I said the kitchen is the next and most expensive project. The old cabinets had literally started to rot apart from leaking/gunk on them.

Hoarding is a medical condition!

So im living in the house but there’s a ton of work to do and it’s going to take a big pile of money. Might take me years to finish it off.

Also there’s no way that it would be safe to have children or pets living in the place.

On the plus side I don’t have the typical half million in debt that most Americans do for housing so instead of a mortgage payment I can sink a $1,000 a month into home improvements for the foreseeable future.

The HOA has complied with s court order to stop harassing me. They tried to file a lien on the property for unpaid stuff and my lawyer got it blocked.

Someone got a hold of the mailing list and tipped everyone in the HOA off about the pending lawsuits and how much it would cost each owner in a special assessment if they lost.

There was a recall election scheduled and the board stepped down within a couple days and a new board was elected.

About a week ago I got certified mail from the HOA’s new attorney stating that they acknowledge their error in assuming the hoa is mandatory.

However my lawsuit continues due to the fact that my lawyer is a very good at writing bills.

The harassment and legal fees are the only things I’m suing for now.

So I’ve basically won my battle to stay out of the HOA and the new board wants this to stay quiet and not wreck their property values.

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Update 3:

Update on my HOA. They forged my signature. posted 2022-04-11

Required background info,

It's technically a "voluntary" Hoa but i'm literally the only person who didn't opt in. Everyone else opted in as a purchase condition. I got my house through other than normal means bypassing the contractual obligation to join.

So my efforts to continue to exist as a hold out surrounded by the HOA have not been without new stories to tell. They got dirty and forged my signature on a copy of the HOA contract. They started up with the fines again.

The house color, dumpster, RV, fence, ECT.

My lawyer is taking them to court and he already got a temporary court order to block all liens levied by the HOA. They hadn't even filed a lien yet and there's already a temporary court order blocking them until the conclusion of the civil and criminal actions against the HOA board and the HOA. There's also a detective from the FDLE (state law enforcement) investigating the forgery.

The running tally for this is already over $10,000 in legal fees. Gotta say I love my lawyer. He's doing everything on a "we'll sue them for the legal costs later" basis.

My lawyer says they are digging their hole all the way to china.

OH and someone tipped off the entire HOA using the HOA holiday event email list that this legal action is ongoing due to alleged criminal activities of the board. It's almost like a lawyer wrote the letter or something...

There WAS a lawsuit against me for slander/libel (both) but my lawyer had it tossed out as they could neither prove I wrote it (which I didn't) and it simply informed the HOA members them of the legal action taking place, there wasn't a gag order, and it said "allegedly" rather than a flat out accusation.

Rumor has it there's going to be a second lawsuit against the board members following the conclusion of mine for gross negligence, breach of fiduciary duty etc.

All I wanted to do was fix my new house and live in peace.

On the plus side It should only be a few more weeks until I finish gutting the interior.

I also found more copies of "Titanic". The running total is 84 copies ranging from VHS to blue ray. One particular special edition of the VHS sold for a couple hundred bucks on Ebay new unopened.

My sister cheated on her fiancé and then left her kids all because she wanted “a break”, and I’m not supposed to say anything to her.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: Reddit:u/Spunky_Munkey97

Story Compiled By: Reddit:u/BigONerd

Published on: r/TrueOffMyChest & r/TwoHotTakes

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: January 13, 2025
• Update 1: January 20, 2025
• Update 2: January 30, 2025
• Final Update: August 12, 2026 --> NEW UPDATE

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Main Post

January 13, 2025

Buckle up because this is a LOT but I’m really bothered by this and need to just vent because I can NOT believe this has happened.

My (27f) sister (22f) has two beautiful kids. One is 3 and the other is 14 months. When my sister had her oldest daughter, she suffered from PPD, but with support she was able to come out of it. She didn’t really bond with the kid much after though, occasionally she would do fun things with her but it was very rare. Shortly after, I had my son, and I was OVER THE MOON, I’ve never loved something as much as I love my kids ( I now have 2 as well).

When she found out she was pregnant with her 2nd, she didn’t get as excited as she did with the first but as the pregnancy progressed, she was getting more excited.

Fast forward to the second kid being born. She didn’t show any signs of PPD, but she bonded with the second kid way more than she did with the first. I’m not sure if it was because she was exclusively breastfeeding or what but definitely had a better bond with this one. She would get more irritated with the first born ( who was only 2 at the time) and just more distant with her.

Her youngest starting showing some health issues ( nothing super serious, some food allergies and skin issues) and that seemed to just utterly defeat my sister. All of the family, and her fiancé were very encouraging and tried to help her see the bright side, find recipes for the daughter etc. but she didn’t seem like she was interested in any of it. She started to distance herself from both kids now, only doing the bare minimum.

Now, we just found out that my sister had been emotionally cheating on her fiancé, who is the definition of a literal golden retriever partner lol he loves his kids and my sister and took very good care of all 3 of them. He would only ever push my sister to do better and never in a mean way. Anything they needed, he provided for them while my sister got to be a SAHM.

Two days ago, she broke things off with the fiance and had this complete stranger come get her from another state ( she has never met him, and only been FT or playing on Xbox for about a month). All because she said she “had no emotion and needed a break”.

She left with the guy, and I’m not supposed to know any of this. I’m distraught for my nieces and my brother in law ( or I guess not my brother in law anymore?). I don’t understand how a mother could leave her kids, go out of town with someone she didn’t know, without a care in the world. I love my kids and I couldn’t do that to them…

Part of me wonders if it’s PPD, or maybe a manic episode? I genuinely don’t know. I’ve also learned some other things about how she’s been recently that just make me think I never really knew who my sister was, and that’s heartbreaking because she was my best friend. I can not condone that behavior.. my brother in law is filing for emergency custody, but I hope she doesn’t try to take those kids from him because she doesn’t deserve them. They deserve stability and she’s clearly not stable. Ugh.

COMMENTS

shesavillain: Why do you keep saying you’re not supposed to know any of this?

OOP: My brother in law told me and doesn’t want my sister to know I know until he files court paperwork just in case she tries anything since they’re not married

GilgameDistance: If this is the reason, BIL is wise - please listen to him and let his lawyers work out custody. It sounds like the best thing for those kids is for him to have sole, full custody. Please help him get that.

OOP: I plan on it

NatNatTh3CatMom: We really need to know how old is BIL

OOP: He’s 22

Maatable: What kind of "support" did your sister receive when she was going through PPD? Her behavior for thr last two years has been troubling, this escalation especially so. Your sister needs professional help desperately.

OOP: She saw a therapist for a few weeks but quit going. We would come over, help with chores, cook, babysit so she could take a shower or a nap or even so she could go out with her fiance.

honorthecrones (downvoted): He never was your brother in law. Why did they never marry?

OOP: They were going to have an October wedding this year. My sister didn’t want to just go to the court house, she wanted a ceremony and everything so they were saving for that.

peppermintvalet

“He would only ever push my sister to do better and not in a mean way” Can you elaborate on this?

OOP: If she wasn’t pulling her weight with house stuff, he would just have an adult conversation with her and then help her do whatever was needed to do. For example, he works from 8-7pm, and would come home and the dishes from the previous night were not done or any laundry etc. So he would talk to her about it and then they would do it together. Or if she was depressed and wanted to just lay in bed all day, he would do something like make her favorite breakfast and encourage her to get up even if it wasn’t easy.

oboejoe92: Possibly Borderline Personality Disorder?

She could be “monkey branching” as I have heard it called before- essentially always having her arm stretched out to the next branch (metaphorically speaking) looking for that next bit of validation, excitement, dopamine hit, whatever. “Swinging” from one thing/person to the next.

First it was her partner, then child one, then child two, now random dude.

OOP: She was diagnosed with that when she was younger, was medicated for a long time and when she turned 18, she took herself off of her medicine. She said she was feeling better off the meds so we all just assumed she was okay. That was our error, but her choice to be off of her medication.

oneofthesenights23: Why did nobody get her real help? Encouraging her to see the bright side isn’t help. She is so young to have 2 babies and ppd sounds like she needs real help if running away is easier than dealing with her life. Did she see a therapist after her first pregnancy?

OOP: Yes she did for a few weeks, and then she quit going and I guess she just masked that everything was fine

YakElectronic6713: Why does your sister have two kids at the age of 22, when it is so obvious she doesn't enjoy being a mother? Has the Golden Retriever pressured her into having children?

OOP: Not at all, they planned the first one and then the second was a surprise. They weren’t really being careful, my sister was on BC but didn’t take it like she was supposed to ( would miss days etc)

Wh33lh68s3: That's some fucking Bullshit that you can't say anything to her about abandoning her children!!!

Make sure that the abandonment is well documented so that when the father of the children sues for full custody of the children it will be easier for him to do so...

Updateme:

OOP: Yeah he wants all of the court bs situated first and then I fully plan on losing my shit. I’ll probably also just send the link to the post so when she tries to say I’m judging her or whatever then she can see that I’m not alone in thinking she sucks. Mental health issues, I could sympathize with as I am type 1 bipolar. But even still, she should be able to be an adult and communicate that she needs help, and not cheat on a really good man and then abandon her kids….

Also a few people have said to update them when I can, and I plan to! But I’m newer to Reddit so I’m not sure how to do like a mass update lol

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Update - 1 in the Main post - after 7 days

January 20, 2025

Since some of you have asked, I’ll update on the little bit of info we have. So my BIL changed phone plans, and did not include her on his new bill. She called him and asked him why he didn’t put her on it…. Like she genuinely didn’t understand that he is not going to be paying for her things anymore.

She told him that she isn’t going to fight him and that he can have full custody of the kids. And that she still wants to be able to call and visit when she feels like it. The guy she ran off with, just lost his car BECAUSE HE SIGNED DIVORCE PAPERS RIGHT BEFORE HE LEFT TO GET MY SISTER. And his ex took the car because it was in her name lol karma is beautiful. She also told my BIL that she plans on moving back with the new guy so they can be close to her kids…

I don’t get her logic in any of this really. Also, people have asked so some answers here!

• BIL is 22
• my sister asked my BIL not to tell us ( my mom and I) because she did not want us to get in the way of her being able to see her kids or to “judge her”. ( too late). My BIL doesn’t want her to know we know until after all of the court stuff is finalized.
• he’s doing okay, him and his mom are actually going to be moving a little closer to our family, so we can all help out with the kids. It takes a village and he’s definitely got one.
• since my sister being out of the picture for a week now, the youngest kid has taken her first steps and the oldest seems genuinely happier.

I’m coming from a much less angry place. I still can not stand that she did this, and I am cutting contact with her. My partner and I are supporting my BIL as much as we can with two kids of our own. This whole situation has been insane. I’ll update more if anything else happens. Thank you to everyone who gave advice and didn’t judge me venting. Once this all isn’t so fresh I’m going to show BIL the thread and let him see that it was not his fault.

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Update 2 - after 17 days (after 10 days from last post)

January 30, 2025

Update! My sister cheated on her Fiance and then left her kids all because she wanted a break and I’m not supposed to say anything to her.

Okay so I have a few updates to this absolute insanity of a situation.

First, I posted the first update as an edit to the original post. Since then, my sister called my mom, and asked her for any legal contacts so she “looks like she has her shit together”. My mom told her no, and that she isn’t going to help her because she abandoned her children. My sister is still convinced that she did not abandon them.

She yelled at my mom stating that she hasn’t left them and that she’s only 3 hours away and calls to talk to them every night….. she doesn’t. She has called a few times but not every day. She’s still planning on moving back home with this new guy so she can be closer to the kids but I’m pretty sure my BIL is only going to allow her to have supervised visits since she has made comments about just taking the kids and how she should have done that from the start, her best friend suggested it.

When my mom tried to reason with her and ask her why she didn’t just come her, her response was “I just want to be on my own”. Which I find ironic because she hasn’t been on her own ever and she’s still not on her own. She is still mooching off of another guy with a job and she still doesn’t have a job, a license, or her GED. ( we have all offered to help her get those things but she has no drive to actually do it). BIL and his mom are moving closer to me and my parents so we can all help each other and hopefully make things easier on BIL as he tries to be a single dad with two toddlers.

BIL is in much better spirits. He was upset until my sister called him, while she was naked, and asked him for money and then she proceeded to put on the other guys hoodie and walk around the house until he could see the other guy in the background. My BIL said at that point, he knew he was never getting her back and didn’t want her back and he’s doing much better. He has good days and bad days but the good are outweighing the bad. The kids are actually thriving without my sister there too. My sister would “parent” by just turning on tv and letting them do whatever, but BIL is much more involved with them as is his mom.

If anything else crazy happens, I’ll post another update but for now I think we are just waiting for all of the long term court paperwork to be submitted. He got emergency custody and it was filed that she abandoned them and fled the state.

Thank you to everyone who has let me vent and given some good advice. This has definitely been a rollercoaster.

---

Final Update - After 1 year, 7 months

August 12, 2026

Final Update in the BORU comments

Hi guys! So I’m OP! Thought I would post another update as I was reminded of this post through a comment! So I hope you have your popcorn 😅

So my sister and the Xbox guy are still together and to put it simply, he sucks. He’s a raging narcissist and has a pretty explosive temper for someone who is almost 30.

They moved back to the same state as us, and lived with my mom and step dad for a little bit with the understanding that she was to get her life together. They never paid rent, they didn’t clean, and their room constantly smelled like B.O and sex. It was disgusting. When my parents addressed the issues, the Xbox guy said that he “doesn’t do dishes, instead he just throws them away” and that “if he doesn’t cook then he shouldn’t have to do dishes”. My sister and him would get into some pretty nasty arguments where he would name call and get in her face. For reference, my sister is 5’3 and he’s 6’5.

They ended up getting kicked out of my mom’s house when they refused to help financially or physically around the house. They wouldn’t even buy groceries except like maybe $50 every other month and my sister would need rides to work and not compensate for gas. My parents are not well off, they pay their bills and have very little extra financially to do anything else, so when paying for two extra adults, they were drowning.

They now live in a camper, that they bought with the Xbox guys divorce money but he put it in my sisters name only because he didn’t want to get a license and register it in his name just in case the courts came after him for not paying child support to his child who hasn’t even turned a year at this point ( I think he’s about to or just turned one, but they don’t see him so I’m not entirely sure, I’m pretty disconnected from that.)

Their relationship is sad but honestly she did it to herself. He’s put his hands on her, locked her in the bathroom and told her to figure out how to get out, spit in her face, etc. He doesn’t want her to work because “he’s very religious and believes in the traditional ways of life and that’s the woman stays home and he provides” meanwhile they barely pay their bills and he makes like $15 an hour which is not really anything in this economy especially him paying child support.

A few months ago she was going to leave him, because he got abusive and we honestly still don’t know the extent of it. But she ended up staying, and when I asked her why stay with this POS, her words verbatim to me were “ well you know how it is, when you’re with a narcissist, you know you’re the victim but you just can’t leave because they do have good qualities and it’s not bad ALL the time”. I was in a mentally abusive relationship but got myself out of it and I’m THRIVING so I don’t actually “know how it is”.

So she stays at home all day, getting high and just waits for him to come home. She doesn’t come to family gatherings because we all can’t stand him due to our own personal experiences with him and he hates to see independent women who won’t bow down to his stupid ass.

As for the kiddos and ex fiancé. He moved to another state with the girls where he has family support. They are very well taken care of, he works two jobs to support them and his mom and grandma helps watch them for him. Apparently she talks to them on FaceTime but not every day and the ex now knows about the abuse from the Xbox guy because she decided to call him crying for help and had him listen to how Xbox guy was talking to her during an argument. So I highly doubt that their dad will allow this POS to be around the girls. He even offered to drive the 12 hours to come get her and bring her back to their state so she could get away from him and be with the girls. He has said he will probably always have love for my sister but he knows they’re not a good match.

I talk to her maybe twice a month, because even though I don’t like her choices, I do care for my sister and my conversations are basically life checks at this point. Apparently she’s starting a job this week, because Xbox guy asked for help with bills. We will see how long this lasts.

---

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the community rules.

I am not OOP. OOP is u/Agent641 posting in r/perth. Thank you to Reddit user u/VN93SS9 for making their first BoRu post so entertaining

Concluded as per OOP.

Some useful terminology:

jarrah - Eucalyptus marginata, which the countertop is made of.

DFES - Department of Fire and Emergency Services in Australia.

---

Who do you call when youre stuck? - 2019-02-22

---

Like lets say you are stuck somewhere, and its not a life threatening emergency situation, but its fairly serious and its gonna require a bit of know-how and gumption to get you unstuck, who do you call? Fire department?

OOP elaborates in a comment thread:

Canigetamoment: Are you ok?

Im a bit stuck but otherwise yeah im fine.

Canigetamoment: Where are you stuck? Call the fire department I think, or a friend

The front door is locked and i cant open it from where i am, any of my friends that im ok with seeing me naked and vulnerable dont have a car. Also Im naked i didnt mention that before.

Canigetamoment: So definitely call the fire department I think, do you have a spare key outside they could access? Are you able to make yourself less nude if you could get someone to come help you?

I have a cushion. No key outside but with a ladder they could go over the roof and come in thru the garage. Ill google to see if theres a non emergency number for them.

Canigetamoment: Yeah I think that’s definitely your best bet. Legit though, how the fuck did you get this stuck?

Well I wanted a nice shiny coffee bar counter top, so I cut and sanded and stained it all nice, and i applied a coat of epoxy resin last night. Its supposed to set hard in 24 hrs. So tonight after having a shower i came to check on it, and I rapped my fingers on it and it sounded like hard plastic, so I thought it was set. I was curing it in the livingroom because its the least dusty place. Anyway I just happened to sit down on it while I was reading the destructions (sic) that came with the epoxy, wondering if i should give it another coat. When i was done reading the instructions, i went to stand up, and couldnt. So im kinda sitting here with a slab of live edge jarrah attached to my butt cheeks, watching battlestar galactica and waiting for the non emergency dfes number to return my call. If i could make it to the garage i know ive got some acetone there, but im not sure if it would help. My beer is empty which is a drag, but otherwise everythings great.

In response to OOP's explanation of how they got themselves in this mess:

Muslim_Wookie: Mate call the police communications centre. Getting stuck with epoxy on your skin is no joke, don't try to pull yourself off.

I managed to free my nutsack but the butt is gonna take some strategy.

littleblackcat: umm you should call the firies dude

I dnt know, they might laugh at my gross white naked body. I dont even have an ab.

postingstuff: Ok this makes my window comment obsolete. What a pickle.

OMG YES! One ofthe release agents google mentioned was vinegar. I cant get to the acetone or the thinners in the garage (wont fit thru the doorway) but I know i do have a jar of pickles in the cupboard i could get to, eat the pickles and use the vinegar to weaken the surly bonds of resin! This is now plan A. Dfes ops center still hasnt called back.

metao: I don't even care if it's real or not, this is the best thread to happen to r/perth in a long time.

Homie, I might be borderline r****ded, but Im no liar. (Image transcript: OOP posts a picture showing themselves sitting on top of the countertop by showing the top of their leg, next to a jar of pickles. Their butt is out of frame. Battlestar Galactica is shown on the TV.)

produrp: My attention is glued to this thread.

I’m fucking sorry man

No you're not...

produrp: Mate I really feel for you.

Are you free tomorrow? I’m playing basketball with some mates and we need someone to come off the bench.

When I can reach my computer Im gonna gild that. (Editor's note: OOP did not remember to gild that post.)

produrp:

A mates just finished a PC build and he’s wondering if you can help him Benchmark it?

Muslim_Wookie: You need a hypeman cause you are LIT

produrp: I’ve got more jokes, just working out how to mix them into the conversation. The next one’s a big longer and is in two parts. Part A and Part B.

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OOP posts an update in the thread about 1.5 hours after posting the thread:

Update: The gods are good and kind, I made it to the fridge wherer the pickles were, and made it back. The gherkin juice is actually working, very slowly. Did you know that the apparent stickiness of a surface is called 'stiction'? I thi k its mostly hair that is experiencing stiction. If my skin were chemically bonding with the epoxy resin, according to the google it would burn like fucckery, which its not. If it does, ill give in and call literally every emergency service there is.

Cmdr Adama is still in dire staits after being shot by a cylon, but Tigh is doing his best despite a boarding party fucking up the battlestar.

Im down to three gherkins and half a jar of juice. Ive been dabbing it furiously with pages torn from a book called "Man, The Builder". I also got myself a couple of beers while i was at the fridge. Priorities. DFES has stillnot returned my voicemail.

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OOP posts another update half an hour later:

Update 2: I am so fucking stupid. Im sitting here thinking, how am i gonna get to the meanest solvent in the house if I cant fit 1340x420mm of Jarrah sideways thru the garage door, but never thought until a couple minutes ago, why it have to stay 1340x420mm?

I know my jigsaw is battery operated and located just inside the door to the garage, so i take my ass that way and fetch it thru the door with a long stick.

Then i sat back on the coffee table snd sawed the countertop in three pieces, only one if which is glued to my person. Now that i can fit through almost all doorways, i was able to get the acetone and the turps and use these to acellerate the fantastic work my pickle juice has been championing. Still watiching BSG while i dissolve my assload of resin, and its going great!

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Another half-hour later, OOP posts another update:

Update 3: I managed to pull myself off, my ass hurts like hell and I'm more exhausted than I've ever been in my life. I'm going to bed.

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OOP posts their last update in the thread:

Update 4: It is the morning after. There is a little tenderness, but not much pain. If anything, my butt feels thoroughly exfoliated.

The scene of the battle (Image transcript: A piece of the countertop, with exoxy residue on it.)

The "Lay of the Land" (Image transcript: Multiple pieces of the countertop, laid out on a table.)

A close-up of our hero and messiah, this jar of spring valley gherkins (Image transcript: An empty pickle jar.)

I think at some point I said jarrah, and I know that's not what this is, but in the heat of the moment I couldnt remember what kind of timber this colour/style is so I just used the best descriptor I could think of.

I'd like to thank everyone for their support and morbid fascination through this ordeal. Special thanks to u/postingstuff for the pickle idea, and to u/produrp for the thorough ridicule and complete lack of empathy, it really kept my spirits up.

I won't be posting a picture of my butt, that would be a crime against humanity.

Some comments on the update:

produrp: If it’s not Jarrah what wood is it?

Blackbutt?

Anyway I’m glad you’re okay man. I was concerned for your safety and wellbeing initially, butt as we learned more of the situation and I was more confident you weren’t in mortal danger I knew what I had to do.

So in the future when I accidentally Vaculok my penis to a nightstand or dynabolt my testicles to the tiled floor I know you’ll be there to hand my ass to me.

🤗🤗

postingstuff: Any time mate, glad I could provide some inspiration in return for the entertainment 🤣

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Final Update:

So I finished my new counter top - 2019-02-23

OOP posts a picture of the countertop. (Image transcript: Three pieces of wooden counter top, each with a white coating.)

I posted this just a moment ago, but I think I pasted the link wrong as the image wasn't coming up in the thumbnail.

The time I spent looking at my epoxy job made me realize that not only is it not really worth the trouble, I actually started to dislike the ultra gloss finish of the epoxy. It looked kind of tacky and way too shiny.

I went and bought a new bit of timber from bunnings, added a strip to make it the required width, cut a gouge out to acommodate the geometry of the wall its going against, and coated it this time in matte clear polyurethane (Cabots), which dries in only 2 hrs and is way easier to apply. Three coats and a bit of light sanding and I was finally done with the job. I think it looks way better than the shiny epoxy. I even had time to make some nice cabinet doors, but I've still got to paint these white later this evening.

Two TV channels asked to interview me, one newspaper wanted to do a story and photo op with me and the jar of gherkins, which I've declined, and a couple of online news outlets have run my epoxy butt pickle story with pictures from the thread. I kinda hope that's the end of this wild ride...

I'll be in the workshop.

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I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

My new neighbors ‘parties’ are creeping me out

This is a repost. The original was posted in r/TwoHotTakes by user Emotional-Letter8226. I'm not the original poster. Thank you Reddit used u/schattenspringer for compiling this post

Status: Concluded

::: spoiler Tap for mood spoiler Not dramatic, not a sex cult :::

Original:

August 7, 2026

I (25M) just moved into a duplex. Rent is affordable, it’s nice to finally escape the apartment life and I’m so excited to be able to have a garden. Everything has been great so far except my neighbors/housemates are giving me weird vibes. I live in one half of the house and a couple, probably mid thirties lives on the other side. Let’s call them Arden and Andrea. I haven’t met them yet but in the week I’ve been here something kind of strange has been happening. Two times they’ve had a bunch of people over, like 15 people. For reference, the house isn’t super big to begin with so 15 people on their side is likely a bit of a squeeze but the weird thing is that there is ZERO NOISE from their side. Like complete silence. Our walls are not thick. I hear when they vacuum do you’d think 15 people hanging out would bleed through the walls but NOTHING. The people they’ve had over look to also be in their 30s and all walk up to their door, go in, and then nothing. Idk why it’s creeping me out but that’s 17 people on the other side of the wall and zero noise!! They’re in there for about an hour or so and then they all leave. Has anyone had anything like this before or have any ideas what they might be doing? I don’t wanna say anything cause that’d be weird but I also wanna know what goes on over there.

edit: okay there have been some developments, posted an update but don’t know how to link it here

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Comments by OOP:

I heard them having a heated discussion the other day and that came through the wall so surely a bunch of people having book club would too?

Wow a lot of people commented on this. For the record I’m not trying to snoop just politely curious what goes on with all those people and zero noise like not even conversation. I made some chocolate chip cookies and am going over to introduce myself and give them to them tomorrow and maybe ask if it naturally comes up, praying they don’t have allergies to my gift of sustenance 🤞 A bunch of people asked if there’s a basement, not on my side so I would assume not on theirs but maybe idk thank you all for your ideas! I’ll report back if there’s any more info on what it is they do

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Update:

August 8, 2026, 1 day later

Wow did not expect this post to get this much attention, y’all had a bunch of ideas I hadn’t thought of as to what my neighbors were doing last week. Unfortunately, I’m still if not more confused than I was before. I made cookies yesterday and took them over this morning to introduce myself and maybe ask what they’re up to if it came up naturally. And I can say 100% there is something weird going on with the neighbors. The woman opened the door and I said hey and my name and that I moved in next door and offered her the cookies. She looked at me for like fifteen seconds without saying anything like a head to toe kind of look and then smiled really big and was like hi I’m Andrea welcome to the neighborhood. And then she asked if I wanted to come over on Sunday night cause they’re having a gathering. I asked what kind of gathering and she just said to bring a notebook and a pen. I asked why and she said it’s going to be fun and I’ll meet new people and just kind of smiled at me. I WAS CREEPED OUT YALL. I said I’d have to check my schedule and she looked like she knew I was stalling but said she hoped I could make it and then I went back to my side of the house. Anyway I don’t know if I should go cause if it’s something religious I’m not interested and if it’s something else I don’t wanna just go in blind ahhhh what should I do?? And what do you think it is??

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Update 2:

August 9, 2026, 2 days later

Okay guys thank you for all your ideas and thoughts on whether I should go or not. If you missed my first two posts, the TLDR is that I moved into a duplex and my neighbors had a bunch of people over but I would never hear any noise through the very thin walls which was weird. I went and introduced myself and got invited to one of these gatherings with no info except to bring a notebook and pen. Even though some people said I shouldn’t go I went and I just got back and I have a lot to update you on and am also not entirely sure what just happened so please hang with me.

So Andrea said 8 and at about 7:45 people started showing up like they did last week. I waited a few more minutes and then went over and knocked on their door with the notebook and pen she asked me to bring. A woman I didn’t recognize opened the door and I said Andrea invited me over. She introduced herself and led me inside. We walked through the living room and kitchen which were normal (I was expecting bondage gear after all y’all who were like it’s a sex thing) and she opened a door in the hall. Those of you wondering if they had a basement on their side were right.

We walked down the stairs and in the unfinished basement were all the people I’ve seen going into their house. They were milling around chatting, and there were chairs in a few rows. But the weirdest thing was what was on the walls: dozens of posters of people, cats, dogs, and items. Like missing posters. And sticky notes all around them too.

Andrea came up to me and was like you came yay! And she introduced me to her husband and I was like what is this and they told me that they run a group that tries to find missing people, pets, and and items and collect the reward money. I was like … what. And they kept explaining but I honestly tuned them out I was panicking more than a little bit cause of all the things yall said might be going on this wasn’t something I’d considered/prepared my mind for. I asked if they’d ever actually solved anything and Andrea said they’ve found a few pets and stolen items and feel like they have some leads on people. They introduced me to a few other attendees and then the meeting for lack of a better word began.

Andrea and her husband stood at the front while everyone else sat on the chairs and called people up who I guess had been like assigned different cases who gave updates on their progress. Like this couple came up and talked about how they’d gone to the police station to ask about a missing woman in the county and the police hadn’t told them anything like duh why would they. And a guy got up and gave his theory on a briefcase that was stolen out of someone’s car. It was so weird but if I had gotten up and left everyone would have seen me and I didn’t wanna stand out. At the end of the meeting Andrea called ME UP and pulled a missing cat poster off the wall and told me it was my first case. I was too stunned to say anything so I just took it and sat back down and when the thing ended i got the hell out of there and now I’m writing this.

So Reddit, my new neighbors run a civilian bounty hunter ring out of their basement which is why I didn’t hear any noise through the walls and I’m supposed to be looking for an orange cat named Peaches who has a $200 reward. What. The. Fuck. Do. I. Do. Anticipating a question, I have no idea what they do with the money they get I did not wanna hang around and dig any deeper. I guess this isn’t the weirdest thing te more I think about it but I don’t wanna be a member of whatever this is.

Edit: Now that some of the shock has worn off this is kinda rad and I feel it may be my moral duty to #findpeaches

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Reminder this is a repost community and I am not OOP

AITA for "not even giving my girlfriend the bare minimum", as people I know have put it?

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I am not OOP. OOP is [email protected] Do NOT message them, comment on the original post or harass them!

Post was originally made to ![email protected]

AITAH does not have a way to determine Assholishness but the post has more down votes than upvotes.

Please note the OOP is still quite young without a fully developed brain.

::: spoiler Tap for Mood Warning OOP is young. OOP acts like an ass to their partner. :::

Thank you fediverse user, [email protected] for pointing out additional updates

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Original:

March 2026

So, a while ago, I (19NB/19F) have posted about this girl Nichole (18F). At the time, I was 18, and she 17. However, what happened is that there were personal stuff going on in my life and while I was so happy that Nichole liked me back and was DTF and all this stuff, I was too hung up on an old crush I was head over heels for, Karl (19M).

Karl has proven himself time and time again to be a bully who couldn’t treat me right even if I don’t know if he liked me that way, he probably just was using me when he flirted with me. So I moved on from him.

After one other girlfriend and I broke up, I fell for Nichole again, and she still liked me and was looking for a partner.

Well, I happen to be best friends with Max (20M). He is a year older than me. Way back in like sophomore year, we used to date when he was a girl and I was a boy. Now, I think I like him again, but I respect Nichole and Nichole is monogamous. I am not. I can be in polyamorous and monogamous relationships.

Nichole has recently been very depressed around me and I just want her to be happy and can’t take deep conversations or the drama. It just stresses me out and bothers me a whole lot.

Max and I have a very special friendship. He even has recently confessed feelings for me and been wanting to take me on dates. We still hang out without the official “boyfriend and girlfriend” title though because Nichole would be upset. Anyway, I have feelings for Max too and don’t quite know what to do with them.

We call every day for 4 hours, we just have that kind of friendship. I’ve even been having dreams of calling him and doing our usual stuff, but also cuddling, sleeping with him, giving him hickeys, etc. Stuff that I used to dream about with Nichole but not much with her anymore.

Truth be told, Nichole is HOT, but I love Max and his personality, and since he’s a more recent “crush” as a neurodivergent girl, I’m kind of “hyperfixated” on him. I get hyperfixations on people and Nichole used to be mine and while I still like her, now it’s Max who I fixate on.

Max and I always call for like 3-4 hours, maybe more, whereas I don’t even call Nichole because I’m too busy with Max. Recently, I’ve even slept over at his house, hung out with him, drank with him, and usually I fall asleep on the phone with him. We call them “long distance sleepovers”.

Nichole goes to bed really early though, like 8-9 while I go to bed at like midnight or later, so we never sleep on call. Nichole has talked to me about the whole thing, which I posted about before, and I answered her and then told her to stop talking about it, admittedly, because I didn’t want to deal with extra drama. But someone recently told her apparently, which she repeated to me, that someone who cares wouldn’t silence or dismiss her, but I do care and I don’t think that’s what I did.

If you know the anime trope “tsundere”, that’s kind of how Nichole is like now. Or rather, a “deretsun”. Normally, and at first, she acted “deredere” or sweet and lovestruck personalitywise, but then she became upset and super pissy and serious. I want the old Nichole back, not gonna lie. My Nikki.

But, again, I love my Maxmax too <3 He’s my best friend after all.

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Comments

Canaconda:

tsundere

Anime has absolute fucked gen z up. Holy shit. Listen, anime is for kids in japan. It’s fiction written for a culture you can barely relate to. Applying it to your personal relationships is a bad life choice.

Nichole is monogamous. I am not. I can be in polyamorous and monogamous relationships.

Than you need to commit to Nichole or break it off cuz you’re definitely emotionally abusing her if she’s romantically interested in you.

Ignis:

You should end things with Nicole if you’re planning to continue your relationship to Max. It’s not fair to her or her feelings for you to be acting this way behind her back.

This sort of half in / half out thing is emotional cheating. She’s not poly. You can’t be looking for that type of emotional connection with another person while maintaining a relationship with Nicole.

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Update:

Same post a few days later in the comments

OP: Sent a text to their significant other.

Transcription:

Ey bro listen. I don't care much about you anymore. I don't think we can hang out because of that sorry. I just don't want to. Max is new to me and I like him, not you. So let's break up, ok?

OP made a comment:

I told her I didn’t care about her anymore and broke up with her.

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Comments

Canaconda:

Wow you went full autism on that one. Like I can be a dick but holy shit that was brutal.

Defs get a therapist / life coach that specializes in NDV clients because you really need some guidance… that doesn’t come from anime or reddit.

And if you ignore that advice… at least put your next breakup text through chat gpt first.

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Update 2

No date, same month

So after everything that happened, she said she’s suicidal and may or may not do it and that if she doesn’t respond, she did it or is in the hospital. If she does, she will let me know that she’s alive or decided not to kill herself. She says I didn’t make her kill herself but I’m in shock

OOP updated Update: She said she decided she wouldn’t do it and she talked to her best friend about it

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Update 3:

OP Sent texts:

::: spoiler click for text transcription Text between OP and Nikki OP: I want you back babe. My wife (ring emoji) I'm sorry Nikki: honestily i['ll think about it but i'm down. i still love you, you know. even if our breakup was recent, i'll give you another chance. Nikki: just promise me you'll spend more time with me so it's fairer. i'd be fine with you spending more time with max if i preffered alone time but i prefer you to my alone time. Nikki: so more time w me would be fairer :') can you do that? if so we're good Nikki: <3 OP: I can do that. By the way, can we be polyamorous? I was wanting to date Max too Nikki: as long as i get to have you, my answer will always be yes <33 End first text

Single Image text OP to Nikki OP: You're the best babe (2 double heart emoji and a single heart emoji) Additional text screenshot

Text between OP and Max OP: Max, I really love you. I know you like me back. I was gonna get back with you anyway but I wanted Nikki so I asked her out again and asked if it was okay to date you if we dated again. She said yes. Again, I know you like me too and I've been wanting to do this for awhile. Will you go out with me? (heart emoji ring emoji) Max: Heart reacted that message Max: Of course (heart emoji) I would love to. I really like you too and was planning on asking YOU but didn't know if that was ok with her :::

So we are polyamorous now and we are back together, Nikki and I. Max and I are now dating too.

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Comments

[email protected]:

How does that work? Max and Nikki have a relationship between them too? Or they have other relationships with other people too?

No, they are monogamous but okay with me dating multiple people

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Update 4:

No date, same month.

OP made a new post titled: Just now, AITA for being depressed and saying “ok” as a response to the girl who is my girlfriend again?

I’ve been feeling a bit depressed and I don’t know exactly why. My (19F) girlfriend Nikki (18F) just told me she loves me. I said “Ok”. Then she said she couldn’t wait to spend time with me and I said “Cool” because I didn’t know how to respond.

She then asked if I was alright and I told her I was depressed. She asked if she could help and I said “No but I have Max”. She said she was here for me too and I said “Ok well I know that”.

Then she apologized and I told her not to, and that it wasn’t her fault I was depressed.

---

Comments

[email protected]:

Yeah man, you’re the AH. You obviously aren’t into her, you’re just stringing her along.

Edit to add: I’m not just judging from this post, but from all the posts I’ve read from the OP about this situation

How am I not into her? I’m depressed

[email protected]:

Clearly you dont feel about her the same way you feel about Max. So be honest about that if you want to be done with the drama.

I’m just depresses so I’m dry Depressed. Max is able to take care of me since i see him every day

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OOP has not posted on this account in 5 months so I'm calling this concluded.

Reminder I am not the OOP. This is a repost community! Do NOT contact the OOP or comment on the original thread!