[Vent] I feel awful...
The kratom withdrawal isn't even that bad, it's just that my mood isn't constantly as high as it could be, which will take some getting used to. I also have a lot less energy and motivation in general, which really sucks.
I'm also afraid a bit...that was the first time I got "kicked out" and it was a real reality check, cause I'm so dependent on other people that I'd die out there, easily and quickly. And I know he won't do it, I know he says he loves me and doesn't want me gone, ever...but I'm still afraid he'll throw me out if I mess up again and do something extremely stupid, so I'm trying to be on my best behavior. My only hope is that he won't. That's it...and it's stressing me out a bit. Idk. I'm really scared, even if it's irrational, that I'll do something stupid and end up on the streets because of it...in the dark and cold. Idk...
And on top of that it's winter, cold and dark all the time, which always makes me absolutely hopeless on the inside, all the time. Idk, every winter I wonder if I'm gonna make it through. And with my dysphoria and not so great living situation right now...idk.
Idk. I guess I have a place to live. I still have HRT. I have food and shelter. I'm not taking kratom anymore and I'm on an SSRI. But still, the hopelessness persists...idk what to do. And I can't shake the feeling that I should have just jumped. Everything would have been so much easier...
19 replies
Just wrote that in other comment under Your previous post... You hellish assy celeb. I dare You to do some ultra cute painting, of any style, digital or classic, and post it to 196 here. And do 20 squats daily for sake of Your ass. Ass must grow.
You don't know what to do? none know, but hey, here's some random idea from random fuck me from teh internetz, take it or not, at least it's something?
For real tho, I'd love to see Miisha's art.
Fuck, I'd LOVE to see what magic she can do with Godot 🩷
Eeeeeeh...maybe 😭
Oh … did I say something wrong sweetheart ? 😟
Did you? No you didn't. I just can't paint for shit and I doubt I'll ever finish the Godot project, knowing myself. That's what I meant to say.
Dw sis, you're great ❤️
Could it be a motivation if you were to share your progress bit by bit ?
As a proper dev I have a shitload of unfinished projects and even more not yet started !
I mean, I'm just happy seeing your posts and you can actually do whatever you want as long as you enjoy it, right ?
nah u 🩷
Maybe...I'll have to try and see. Sounds like a good idea either way 💜
Celeb? Me? What? 😭
I read your other comment. Thank you. Those aren't bad suggestions, especially the squats. I think that exercise, vitamin D and antidepressants will help. I hope...
Thank you. You're right, those aren't bad ideas at all. Thanks 💜
i second vitamin d. i used to get really bad seasonal depression too and it helped a lot.
I can notice by the end of the day if I forgot to take one during the winter, and then I take one and 30 minutes later I feel better. Vitamin D is totally an anti-depressant given you have a deficit of sun intake.
Aye, vitamin D... i got my 40k pills prescribed with my first hrt... guess related? :3
Everyone I know receiving HRT from my endo is also prescribed massive doses of vitamin D from said endo. So...probably 😂
Distractions can work well... sometimes, and exercise can work great for lifting your mood. In any case I really hope you pull through this, and it's great that you're off the kratom.
I wish I could swap whatever the hell my brain is on with yours, I get my seasonal depression in the summer, I practically feed off of the gloomy winter weather.
I really am happy to see you keep going despite all the shit you've been through <3
Thank you 💜
Honestly? I'm already feeling better. No idea if it's the vitamin D and mangesium I took, the fact that I'm off kratom or the SSRI...but I'm feeling good. For the first time in a long time, I don't feel like a massive piece of shit all the time. I even complimented myself in the mirror after drying my hair, which I never do. I look fine, honestly...I don't hate it.
I feel loved. I'm doing stuff right now. I'm smiling and laughing. And (ofc) I'm taking the meds I should be taking. It's all good ♥️
I'd still swap brains with you, wtf 😭
Winter is so depressing, at least for me. Cold (even worse on HRT) which makes my tits hurt, the need to wear so much clothing, dark all the time, and everything is icy and slippery.
But...I'm genuinely glad you don't see it that way. I am ❤️
Thank you, Azalea 🩷
If I ever actually went outside for something other than work I would abuse the shit out of the cold weather and wear fem outer layers. I did get a turtleneck sweater recently and I need to get a new hoodie, preferably one that goes past my butt.
It's really nice to hear all of that from you :)
Yeah, I meant it more for you, since I really do enjoy winter and I think that'd help you out quite a bit. Although I'd be worried for you in summer as it just feels awful given it's inescapably hot, bright and dry. I bet it's preference, but also the fact I basically isolate myself the entire time, so mix that with being in a void repeating the same things over and over and it isn't easy on the mind.
You're welcome, always!
It's going to be fine sis. Whenever you need to talk, you can do it here or in DM to people you trust. This life is way better just knowing you're here.
Meds usually take some time to kick in and be fully effective, I'm no md tho so … idk
Keep taking care of yourself, eat, sleep, this sort of things. Do your best and it's gonna be okay.
Thanks sis 💜
I'm trying, it's just really hard right now. Everything sucks and living feels like a chore. I'll get through it tho. I think.
Thank you ❤️
It's hard and most of the time life sucks, yet I believe in you, you got it sis 🩷
Told you already but I'm proud of you 🫂