I'll start of by saying, I'm safe and not being abused at all. And I really mean that

I...lied. I didn't tell the whole truth. To be honest, one of the times I got "grabbed" was when I was planning to jump from a window. And...yeah, he saved my life. Not once, but many times actually.
What he did was in no way SA. It was a dumb joke, sure, but he confirmed himself, he would never hurt me. And I believe him. This was not SA. Real victims deserve all the support in the world, cause SA is something heinous and horrible. I'm not a victim.

I didn't do him justice. The way I put it, it sounded like he was an abusive POS. He's not. He's my loving partner and without him, I cannot live. I mean that.

I showed him the post...we had a really ugly fight. He took it as me trying to purposefully ruin his life. He thought I was just bitching about him online in order to get attention and for all the commenters to bully him too, to get him jailed and kicked out from his job. That isn't what I intended...
He wouldn't hurt me. He loves me and cares about me lots. And he shows it, believe it or not.
During our ugliest fight yet, there was lots of yelling. From both parties, which is unusual for me as I really don't get angry much. He basically told me to pack my stuff and leave, so I did. But, on the way to my dad's...that was probably the worst state I've ever been in. Nonstop crying which I literally could not stop, extreme heartbreak and fear of basically being homeless. It stung. A lot. And it's my fault.

We texted after I arrived at dad's. He told me that things have been going downhill with me, which was justified and true. He was worried that I'd ruined his life, that he'd get locked up or that someone would recognize him from my post and beat him up on the streets. What's worse, he thought that was my intention. It wasn't.

So, he gave me a choice. Try to stabilize myself by either giving up kratom or HRT. I literally cannot give up HRT, that's certain death, so I picked kratom. Dumped it and done with it. He also told me to start taking the SSRIs, which I've been putting off because of the kratom. So, basically...I'm attempting to quit kratom and start Lexapro. Which will probably stabilize me. And with that promise, he let me come back to him. A heavy weight was lifted off my heart and I immediately felt better. The thoughts of being without him, looking at old photos of both of us happy, those HURT. But now they don't have to.

And also, during our fight, I tried to jump off the balcony. The harsh words hurt so much that I was really prepared to do it. But, he stopped me. Once again. And I owe my life to him, again.

What I'm trying to say is, I'm safe. Don't worry about me at all. I'm still on HRT (I have zero plans of quitting, ever, not even for surgery) but I'm quitting kratom and taking up Lexapro. I think this will help quite a bit...
And I also promised to not spend as much time on social media. To spend more time with him and taking care of the house. I'm super guilty of that.

So, yeah...I misrepresented reality, I lied and made my bf look like an abusive asshole. I apologize to everyone here and I apologized to him too. I'm...honestly pretty mentally unstable. You could tell, but it's really true. And I'm sorry...for everything I've caused. I'm the worst partner someone could ask for...not his words, mine.

I don't really care what anyone thinks about this situation, about him. I'm safe and loved and respected by him and I plan to stay. Even if this turns out to be the wrong call, this is entirely my fault. So be it.

I'll probably delete this later. I don't know what his reaction to this post would be and I'd rather he not see it. I'm doing fine, I'm quitting at least one of the drugs and actually taking medication for my mental health. I'd really appreciate it if no one mentioned this issue any further. Like I said, if you want to blame someone here, blame me. But...I'm fine. I don't need help, I don't need support right now and I don't really deserve sympathy for what I did. But there are people here who do. So please, focus on those instead.
Thank you all for being here ❤️