so. ill try to keep this as brief as possible because i will want to go on. im upset. to begin, i was sexually abused by a host when i was homeless. the host is a trans man and well-known in the trans communities of Seattle and the larger PNW. i got out and the org that placed me there pretty well dropped the ball as far as trauma-informed responses. basically, i cut all contact with the leftists and the org that put me in his home. i put my victim's statement in the biggest trans discord that I can imagine. it's nationwide and run locally. i was kicked and thus ostracized and ejected from the community of activists here. the ones actually getting money from mayor Wilson. if you want to read my handful of posts about my struggles this last year, they are all here on my feed.

Now, the recent part. I was invited to a birthday party by the person who vetted this host. I decided to go. I had hoped to repair the budding friendship and because we live in the same neighborhood. I said to her at least 5 months ago that I was going to get excoriated by the trans intelligentsia of seattle and she said they were loosing their clout and not to worry. Guess who was at that party? go on, guess. every fucking one of them. people you know on other social media sites. people you see in the fuckin local news. all leftists. all know me. all know the intimate details of my abuse. all watched me crash out while homeless.

did anyone say anything? a few people said hello. and one person i didnt recognize asked if they could hug me and i was very put off because strangers asking to hug me scares me. maybe they knew me. i couldnt tell because of the medical mask and the unfolding conversation to my left. the actual namesake of the org im talking about starts on about how we need to talk about trans refugees being targeted for exploitation and sexual abuse. like she looks at me in the fuckin face and says that shit after pretty much the whole org fuckin let me down. i gotta have a fuckin flashback in a party because this ignoramus looks at me and directly addresses my issue while the folks next to her look at me. People you see on the tee vee in Seattle politics. I am not even exaggerating or anything. At all.

i got up and walked out right there because i started crying

im trying to stay out of the hospital. this has got me on the ropes. it feels like i got thru all this just to have my worst fear actualize and then what? now im 100% sure that these people hate me. i came to Seattle and now the most influential trans femmes in Seattle put a goddamn scarlet letter on me

how can i feel safe to join the trans communities of various types here when its now virtually guaranteed that im going to be known and hated? like how to keep going on when the main things i have been doing, mutual-aid and integration, are going to bring me elbow-to-elbow with these folks? how to i stop feeling like the wrong kind of trans because i named my abusers? how do i find people who think i did a good thing and not a bad thing?

how do i keep going on when where i needed to be, and fled to, actively doesn't want me in particular?

like im now wondering how many of you actually know me and know already what happened? how many of you were at the party? do i know the person i refused a hug? like my mind just keeps spinning and i just keep spiraling.

all ive ever wanted is to feel safe and loved ffs