Wait, are you leaving the entire bag of donuts in the breakroom? Because I gotta say, if you leave a whole bag of donuts in the breakroom, that means you brought donuts for everyone.
If you're bringing them in one at a time, why are you leaving it in a publicly accessible space? Why not leave the donut at your desk? Also, donuts for lunch, not breakfast?
I am similarly confused. Unless it's like one or two donuts, a large bag left in a common area implies they're for everyone. If it's a small bag, why not on your own desk? UNLESS it's a small bag of donuts left on OOP's own desk, that someone often grabs a donut from.
We had a lunch thief who would hit a few times a week. We anounced it several times. Kept happening. Finally somebody got pissed enough to act. They got a really nice deli sandwich, got the hottest spices they could get their hands on and put them on just enough to make it intolerable, but not enough to smell hot.
The millionaire owner's son was stealing them. Asshole drove around in a $130k car. He cried like a little bitch, wined that he didn't have time to go out for lunch. Got daddy to send upper management in to scold our manager. Our manager read the prepared statement with as much sarcasm as they could muster and no more sandwhiches were stolen.
The millionaire owner’s son was stealing them. Asshole drove around in a $130k car. He cried like a little bitch, wined that he didn’t have time to go out for lunch.
Hey look, he's quite literally the target audience for food delivery services. Has money, wants food, has no time to go out for food or prepare food at home. Perfect. Go order yourself a fucking sandwich instead of stealing everyone else's.
I mean, you can still hurt someone severely with this. Aspirating mustard is, to put it lightly, not good for the lungs. Really though, fuck'em. Ask for donuts and we can have an arrangement. Steal them and prepare for death by mustard.
People generally continue breathing while eating. If you introduce something unexpected, runny, and acidic, that can be harmful. I'm not certain whether you were joking or not, but there's your lesson on eating, if you sincerely did not understand.
How would you cough with no breath though? You need to inhale….
So if you have no breath, you need to breath in first to be able to cough out. Does this seriously need to be explained in detail? Or is the concept of thinking just not a thing with some of you?
Yes people can breath and eat perfectly fine, that doesn’t mean it’s not a serious concern in certain situations. I’m sorry you can’t seem to be able to comprehend this extremely basic thing called “eating”.
People choke all the time, if eating is so easy, how does it happen…? Do you seriously need to have choking explained to you, or do you just refuse to believe it’s possible? It seems like reality is just not a thing in your bubble.
Very important: you have to continually steal from the same people.
Otherwise, you're just some nomadic donut nabber, and you'll have to rely on the astronomically-unlikely coincidence that you pick up a mustard donut meant for a different, local and more-sedentary donut stealer.
Reminds me of the time a friend of mine borrowed our electric chocolate tempering bowl to "do some chocolate coating with {his} daughter" a few years ago. My partner at the time worked with him and came home with the bowl and told me he wasnt allowed to borrow it again.
Apparently he chocolate coated chewy mints, jalapeño slices, spearmint gum, and fucking green olives... then brought them to work with a little "take one" card. No one but my partner knew who did it and there was apparently a witch hunt to figure out who did it. The never found out, but my partner got close to being blamed.
I regularly make sandwiches with this mustard on them:
In small amounts, it gives you a runny nose. In medium amounts it makes you cry. It comes in a small tube rather than a big jar for a reason, you literally couldn't eat it if you smeared a ton of it on any food. I absolutely would use copious amounts of it if I had a food thief problem, and I don't think I'd ever have a food thief problem again.
I would have filled it with the hottest peppers I could find, which since I'm a pepper head they would have a very hard time proving I didn't intend on eating myself lolol
I would be careful doing this as you never know the persons allergic reactions. I’m not a donut thief so obviously I don’t need to worry, but I am deathly allergic to many peppers.
And some people with asthma can’t eat super hot foods either.
i have trouble believing someone with a food allergy would. if i don't know everything that's in what i'm eating, i don't care who made it. i'm not eating it.
It’s actually a nightshade allergy, so tomatoes, eggplants, peppers, and such. From my understanding it’s an allergy to whatever makes them those dark purples, and browns.
I get a rash in my throat, my eyes, and the worst is when it’s on the palms of my feet. It’s the worst.
I wonder if there's a delayed effect pepper. You eat it first and everything is immediately okay, but then 2 hours later bam! Where's the goddamn milk!??
Joke's on you fat ass, that's actually one of my favorite of the "easily available" mustards. I'm eating the whole bag then hacking into the office Flock cameras to find out who brought them in so I can figure out where they bought them or how they made them. That way, I buy more or figure out a stealthy way of getting you to give me the recipe without admitting that I'm the one who took the first batch.
Depends on the jurisdiction, but intentionally adding potentially harmful substances to food in a situation like this can absolutely be illegal and get people put in jail.
That's simple fact, whether you agree or not.
I tend to think something like this should be okay if, like, management was involved but says they can't do anything, but my opinion doesn't matter - the law does.
Yeah the smarter move is to just start having peanut butter sandwiches for lunch. Then you can earnestly say "I knew who was stealing my lunch, I just thought they were smart enough to not steal a meal they're allergic to"
Huh... If they perished after eating another person's lunch, that is really their fault, but if the allergen was planted there that could be murder. Could you prove definitively that it was intentional?
89 replies
BS. Liar.
Red food dye for food thieves, that way everybody knows their crime.
Wait, are you leaving the entire bag of donuts in the breakroom? Because I gotta say, if you leave a whole bag of donuts in the breakroom, that means you brought donuts for everyone.
If you're bringing them in one at a time, why are you leaving it in a publicly accessible space? Why not leave the donut at your desk? Also, donuts for lunch, not breakfast?
None of this makes any sense.
I am similarly confused. Unless it's like one or two donuts, a large bag left in a common area implies they're for everyone. If it's a small bag, why not on your own desk? UNLESS it's a small bag of donuts left on OOP's own desk, that someone often grabs a donut from.
Post history looks like a bot or other karma farmer. Probably stolen content.
Even if it is stolen, someone made it.
That comment is addressed to OOP
brick wall talking
We had a lunch thief who would hit a few times a week. We anounced it several times. Kept happening. Finally somebody got pissed enough to act. They got a really nice deli sandwich, got the hottest spices they could get their hands on and put them on just enough to make it intolerable, but not enough to smell hot.
The millionaire owner's son was stealing them. Asshole drove around in a $130k car. He cried like a little bitch, wined that he didn't have time to go out for lunch. Got daddy to send upper management in to scold our manager. Our manager read the prepared statement with as much sarcasm as they could muster and no more sandwhiches were stolen.
Hey look, he's quite literally the target audience for food delivery services. Has money, wants food, has no time to go out for food or prepare food at home. Perfect. Go order yourself a fucking sandwich instead of stealing everyone else's.
It was a number of years before they existed, but it's not like places didn't offer delivery.
My boss earnestly enjoys her plain donuts like this.
Prank him by giving his doughnuts a yummy cream filling instead
Literally people should just be allowed to work from home again
Plot twist: OP is about to get a divorce.
Instructions unclear, I now work from your house.
I applaud this because it sends a message without being harmful (aka it wasn’t filled with ghost peppers or angry bees).
But what if they learn to love mustard donuts?
Then they won't steal the regular ones in the future.
They will, they'll just be a little sad about it
Add massive amounts of beet root, let them wonder why they poop dark red.
The hottest is now pepper X
I mean, you can still hurt someone severely with this. Aspirating mustard is, to put it lightly, not good for the lungs. Really though, fuck'em. Ask for donuts and we can have an arrangement. Steal them and prepare for death by mustard.
What? Do you normally inhale donuts??
Mustardonut (coming to theaters this Christmas)
Homer's Odyssey just got spicy!
People generally continue breathing while eating. If you introduce something unexpected, runny, and acidic, that can be harmful. I'm not certain whether you were joking or not, but there's your lesson on eating, if you sincerely did not understand.
I'm sure people have eaten mustard before AND breathed while doing so.
If it’s not something you’re expecting, what do you think happens when someone is shocked or surprised? They typically inhale.
This gaspacho burned my lips!
You probably left it sitting out on the counter smh
Uh, generally if I'm shocked by something I'm eating the reaction is cough, not inhale.
How would you cough with no breath though? You need to inhale….
So if you have no breath, you need to breath in first to be able to cough out. Does this seriously need to be explained in detail? Or is the concept of thinking just not a thing with some of you?
Yes people can breath and eat perfectly fine, that doesn’t mean it’s not a serious concern in certain situations. I’m sorry you can’t seem to be able to comprehend this extremely basic thing called “eating”.
People choke all the time, if eating is so easy, how does it happen…? Do you seriously need to have choking explained to you, or do you just refuse to believe it’s possible? It seems like reality is just not a thing in your bubble.
Evolution missed you
Dang, man. With a response like this, I don't think you've ever been surprised before, and that's really cool! I'd put that in my "2 truth and a lie."
Fingers crossed. This is a workplace lunch thief we're talking about here.
I kinda want to try mustard doughnuts now.
OOP's prank backfired! This doesn't sound half bad. Hack, a sweet stone-ground mustard might be amazing.
Keep stealing donuts until you get lucky.
Very important: you have to continually steal from the same people.
Otherwise, you're just some nomadic donut nabber, and you'll have to rely on the astronomically-unlikely coincidence that you pick up a mustard donut meant for a different, local and more-sedentary donut stealer.
If you can mustard the courage
Reminds me of the time a friend of mine borrowed our electric chocolate tempering bowl to "do some chocolate coating with {his} daughter" a few years ago. My partner at the time worked with him and came home with the bowl and told me he wasnt allowed to borrow it again.
Apparently he chocolate coated chewy mints, jalapeño slices, spearmint gum, and fucking green olives... then brought them to work with a little "take one" card. No one but my partner knew who did it and there was apparently a witch hunt to figure out who did it. The never found out, but my partner got close to being blamed.
Good times.
I would at least add tobasco sauce to the mustard or use a much spicier mustard. Or fill it with Vegimite instead.
I regularly make sandwiches with this mustard on them:
In small amounts, it gives you a runny nose. In medium amounts it makes you cry. It comes in a small tube rather than a big jar for a reason, you literally couldn't eat it if you smeared a ton of it on any food. I absolutely would use copious amounts of it if I had a food thief problem, and I don't think I'd ever have a food thief problem again.
I would have filled it with the hottest peppers I could find, which since I'm a pepper head they would have a very hard time proving I didn't intend on eating myself lolol
I would be careful doing this as you never know the persons allergic reactions. I’m not a donut thief so obviously I don’t need to worry, but I am deathly allergic to many peppers.
And some people with asthma can’t eat super hot foods either.
People with allergies probably shouldn't go around stealing other's food items.
Well obviously, but a good thief shouldn’t be given the death penalty either.
i have trouble believing someone with a food allergy would. if i don't know everything that's in what i'm eating, i don't care who made it. i'm not eating it.
Is your allergy specifically to the capsacin? I think that's what make them spicy, bit I don't know if hotter=more capsacin or what.
It’s actually a nightshade allergy, so tomatoes, eggplants, peppers, and such. From my understanding it’s an allergy to whatever makes them those dark purples, and browns.
I get a rash in my throat, my eyes, and the worst is when it’s on the palms of my feet. It’s the worst.
Today I learned.
This is amazing. No harm, but about as foul as you can get.
Jokes on you, I m into that shit
Pepper X 3.1Mscovilles the hottest pepper on the planet... so far..
It looks spicky.
If nobody eats it, it won't make a noise.
In Spice, no one can hear you screim.
I wonder if there's a delayed effect pepper. You eat it first and everything is immediately okay, but then 2 hours later bam! Where's the goddamn milk!??
neat
but my dormmate 27 years ago was using extract past 10mil
not sure the pepper itself matters much
i just ate a gummi bear that was 5 million scovilles a few months ago. no idea what peppers it was from. tasted good tho
Did elon name this?
Probably. That's a great question!!
If the mustard doesn't stop them, you could try horseradish next for a nice kick
Or, fill it with horse flavoured veggie-meat and leave a note in their underwear drawer telling them you fucked their spouse!
Ehmm, what the fuck 🤦🏻♂️
Instructions unclear, fucked their horse.
Mission successfully failed, they were married to the horse.
You devious little creature
Well. It's not poisoned so it should be fine.
I approve this message
Be sure to add some super spicy pepper
Joke's on you fat ass, that's actually one of my favorite of the "easily available" mustards. I'm eating the whole bag then hacking into the office Flock cameras to find out who brought them in so I can figure out where they bought them or how they made them. That way, I buy more or figure out a stealthy way of getting you to give me the recipe without admitting that I'm the one who took the first batch.
Gottem?
That's not that harmless. Had a colleague who was hospitalized because he ate a Kiev cutlet filled with peanut butter.
She knew who was stealing her lunch and probably knew about the allergy
Well it's a good thing they used mustard instead of a common allergen then
Why is this relevant?
Have you heard of mustard gas?
Do you think mustard gas is made of mustard?
Can a man shitpost when he's run out of argument?
Fair enough. Carry on.
The food wasn't for him, so it's not like he could complain, really
Depends on the jurisdiction, but intentionally adding potentially harmful substances to food in a situation like this can absolutely be illegal and get people put in jail.
That's simple fact, whether you agree or not.
I tend to think something like this should be okay if, like, management was involved but says they can't do anything, but my opinion doesn't matter - the law does.
Yeah the smarter move is to just start having peanut butter sandwiches for lunch. Then you can earnestly say "I knew who was stealing my lunch, I just thought they were smart enough to not steal a meal they're allergic to"
Adding condiments to your food, that you intend to eat, is illegal?
Cute. If it is illegal in your jurisdiction, I propose you try that nonsense in court and see how well it works out for you.
That is, you're being obviously willfully stupid to try and make a point that fails. I'd say it's cute, but it's not.
It's about as cute as five hours of your kids in the back seat "I'M NOT TOUCHING!!!!"
edit: I put "cute" in all three paragraphs with contradictory indications. Oh well. I'm just over people trying to be like this.
Booby trapping is illegal
Huh... If they perished after eating another person's lunch, that is really their fault, but if the allergen was planted there that could be murder. Could you prove definitively that it was intentional?
No, nobody died. But yeah, rumors were that she knew
of course the person who stole the food would start those rumors.
Wow, office rumors. Lock her up.