Our Doula sucked with our first birth.

Was having problems getting the baby to come out. Wife is pushing, fully dilated. Her solution was to have me start sucking on my wife's nipples while she was in labor/pushing. My poor wife and that poor nurse.

But that was just awkward, the fucking medical doctor with "decades of birthing experience" was the fucking problem.

He finally comes in after hours of unproductive labor/pushing. Spent all of five minutes in the room before declaring the need for a C-Section. Off we go to an exhausted, traumatic, emergency C-Section.

Two years later. Second pregnancy, we go to a birthing center with a midwife.

Wife's in labor, same issue as last time starts. I immediately begin to panic because we are not at a hospital.

Midwife takes five seconds to evaluate, then adjusts how my wife is pushing. Situation is fixed and second daughter is born 10 minutes later.

Fuck that old ass, piece of shit, crank doctor who doesn't deserve his fucking title.

*The doula from our first birth was not our choice. She was a last minute stand in. Our original doula, who had practiced and coached with us, and helped us form a birthing plan, was unavailable when wife went in labor (two weeks early). Whomp whomp.