He's lying to me and I'm lying to him. I can't handle this. God just said I'm going to get arrested at midnight. I took Benadryl because I'm being lied to and I don't know how to do what I have to do. He says things I a way that I believe him. I let him go tonight because I felt he was fine. He is. He's lying. Or is he? I know he is. He's too skilled, and I lie just so I won't be bothered trying to cope with what he does. And I still failed him. I was supposed to go with him. Keep him safe. I think he's lying. He did all he did tonight to give me chances to intervene. I didn't know what to do so I defaulted to giving in to my addiction. I know he's setting me up. It's just a matter of how. I know he's safe. He does things too well. Like, he pretended to forget the light, and that sets my mind at unease because I KNOW it's manipulation first and foremost. I detect it. And then I'm on alert. I'm not thinking smart. I have only so much RAM and he gums it up so I revert to passive acceptance. He's in control AND HAS ENFORCED THE NOTION THAT IF I DON'T ACCEPT HIS JUDGMENT I AM TO BE PUNISHED. He's done that too me and now I might have let him die. But I know he's fine. He's lying. He did all that to set me up for failure. They do that. They all do, and I can't stand it. I just have to let them do this to me. The doctors are all manipulating me too! I can't do anything. I'm retarded. I deserve to die. But he doesn't. I know he's going to be fine. But i'm scared. I'm more scared of him manipulating me so I'm arrested tonight. They're setting me up. This is more of a priority that my life partner maybe being lost. That's another thing! I think he's lying about being on the shot. He wasn't and then he was when I confessed to him. He's using that lie to manipulate me now, I realize. He still has to take meds. I tried to get him his meds. It was Juneteenth and they were closed in the afternoon. The pharmacy said it would take 1-2 days anyways. I'm not good enough to help him, but I don't have impetus to try because I know I'm being manipulated. I think they're killing me. I'm not good enough. Always not good enough. They're lying. He's lying. I'm lying. But I love him. I need to be better. I don't know what to do. I'm DREAMING OF Benadryl in this period I've stopped. Wake up with a craving. I don't want to do this. I cave when I feel I have no support. I have people manipulating me. They can't just have a conversation with me. Am I that unlovable? I couldn't even go with him. God tells me to go. I don't think that's wise, either. I need to be better. I have no idea how. No one will talk to me. Joe is lying to me when there's no reason to. How am I supposed to relax with all of that? I'm drinking to numb myself so I don't think as hard as I do. I unravel the smallest thread of what he's doing and it spirals into me confronting him and that's what led to the assaults, me confronting him and I lose my shit when he plays games with me. He plays games with me. Fucks with my head. Am i gunna be arrested again? Kumquat says no. Must be just to scare me, all these perfectly timed things people do. She lies to, his mom. I don't know what to think, because are they lying for me or against me? I don't know. I'm very put on edge by what happens with these people. I'm sorry I'm not good enough. Why is Byoomth like this? He has intentionally set these circumstances up for me to fail. This is training, I understand, cuz obviously I'm CIA. He did it this way so I'd have an epiphany about reality. I need to help him more, as he does so much for me. I can't even help myself. And I realize this is how he is getting me to get myself help. It's all a lie. And what do I do with this? There's acceptance and there's resistance, but then there's both and neither, and I feel like a doormat either way. I don't know if he intends that. I deserve whatever comes, that's for certain. I'm not good enough for anything but torture.