inc.com Why Research Shows Kids Should Watch Their Parents Argue Jeff Haden 3–4 minutes

My parents never argued in front of me. Looking back, the closest they came to disagreeing with each other in front of my sister and I were the pursed lips that signaled “we’re definitely going to talk about this later.”

I’m sure they thought the “united front” approach to parenting was best. And it was.

And yet, in some ways, wasn’t.

According to a study published in Developmental Psychology, children who are exposed to parental conflict tend to develop better interpersonal skills and emotional regulation.

As long as you disagree, or argue, the right way. If you yell, gesture aggressively, name-call…. model destructive conflict behaviors and your kids will likely deal with with conflict the same way, both now and as adults. (Or they’ll take the opposite approach and avoid conflict, even when disagreement is necessary and healthy.)

On the flip side, modeling constructive conflict behaviors — calm, reasonable, respectful conversations with the clear goal of resolving whatever the disagreement might be — helps your kids see that differences of opinion are something to work through, not avoid.

Makes sense. Kids pick up behaviors through observational, vicarious learning, especially the actions of people they see as important or influential. (Read: you.) Show them a difference of opinion is just a difference in opinion and not a character flaw, or a fight that needs to be “won,” and they’ll learn to manage disagreements in a similar way. Show them that a difference in opinion is just a problem to solve, and they’ll handle arguments more calmly and reasonably.

And be less stressed, both during and after.

The study shows if you model constructive behaviors during arguments, your kids will be more likely to also display prosocial behaviors, actions intended to benefit others, both now and as adults.

Research also shows when leaders model constructive disagreement, employees are more likely to disagree constructively as well. That also makes sense, and creates an interesting win-win. If I don’t feel defensive when you and I disagree (which means I’m also less likely to act in a way that makes you feel defensive) then we’re both more likely to empathize with each other’s point of view, de-escalate rather than escalate, and find a positive way to resolve the issue.

The next time you disagree in front of your kids, don’t shelve the argument for later. See it as an opportunity to show your children how to disagree in a positive way. See it as an opportunity to show your kids that people who argue can stay calm, stay respectful, can actually listen to what the other person has to say, and can find a positive outcome for both.

Do that, and not only will you model behaviors you want them to someday exhibit, you’ll also model behaviors you want to exhibit, today.

Which means you’ll be much more likely to resolve whatever you’re currently disagreeing about in a positive way.

Can’t beat that.