But honestly, I am grateful. I just wish I didn't have to be chosen to be hurt so I have a reason to be grateful.
Sweet Jesus. I needed that drink. I had to spend the afternoon with my mother-in-law. I had to. I couldn't say no. I would be a complete asshole if I forbid her from barging into my house when she said she was going to, to then clean my apartment in a way that is going to cause her son to have fits because he is as damaged by her as I am by my father. Narcissists, amirite? Well y'know, it's a generational curse and we tend to attract each other. But y'know, I had several ways I would prefer to do this set of tasks. Nope. HAD to do the way she said. Didn't have a choice. I brought up how I made several choices today. No. That's wrong. I made no choices today.
She is the opposite of me; all confidence, no depth of understanding choices. She does not know what is contained in the New Testament. I told her what the Illuminati was. I said it in the same set of sentences I told her I was a woman for a few years. I asked her if she knew, as in, did she have knowledge of how the New Testament describes a decentralized autonomous organization of secret police at an eighth grade reading level. Yup. Got the confirmation I needed.
She's not a liar. She doesn't know what she does. In her eyes, her son failed. He's wrong. He fucked up, doing drugs. Because there is no chance in hell she did anything wrong. She gaslit me in the most bold faced way. I don't think she was even conscious of it. She heard she was wrong. She did everything in her power to defeat me with her will. It is this that her son repeats that has led to my assault of him. Even he is not aware enough to know the limits of how he affects another. She HAD to be right. NEEDED to be right. So much that she lied in front of herself to gaslight me and then forgot what she was saying.
More or less:
T -0:30 - Her “Your house is unlivable”
T 0:00 - Me “You said my house was unlivable”
T 0:01 - Her “I never said that.”
T 0:02 - Me “Yes you did.”
T 0:03 - Her “No, I said it was a pigstye.”
T 0:10 - Me “You said my apartment was a pigstye”
T 0:11 - Her “I never said that.”
Weird. Well, at least I'm glad that the New Testament describes a decentralized autonomous organization of secret police at an eighth grade reading level and thus they heard that. Cuz I understand WHY my life partner is in the hospital right now. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.
This type of shit fucks me up. My father did shit like this all the time. Just straight up acted perplexed about all the abuse he ever did. And now he ignores me. He can't handle a discrepancy from his perfect reality he concocted for himself. So he cuts off his entire son. She was ready to beat my ass while saying she would never be violent like me, that's how serious she was about shutting me down.
It's not about being right. These IDOLATERS don't care about what's logically right. What's empathically right. It's a power game. An ethos structure. She's not processing what she's reading in the Bible. She's regurgitating what other people tell her is in there, and thus, because I am her opposite, I am not seen as the same level as her, so I am dismissed at an instant (razzle dazzle), and what I FEEL is the exact same as my father: I'm always wrong.
But am I doing that to her? Well shit, I'm contemplating if I'm wrong by default and of my own volition. Nah. I can't equate these…but wait! Is she playing an elaborate game with me? Well, she helped by throwing money and a couple hours on me, sending me careening into drinking and smoking, only a beer and a cigarette, but that may start the whole cycle again. And it's hellish, how people of her variety hurt me by saying they're helping.
She THREATENED - I'm using that word specifically - she threatened with telling my life partner's dad to email how HE should demand the apartment to fix these things for us.
Like…
“I LOVE MY SON SO MUCH BECAUSE I SHIT HIM OUT MY CUNT AND I WOULD TAKE A BULLET FOR HIM, BUT IF YOU DONT CONFORM TO MY BEAR NATURE I WILL MAKE SURE BOTH YOU AND MY SON ARE FORCED TO LIVE OUTSIDE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES”
Literally I can't give more of an accurate argument based on the specific choice of arguments she used to justify why she loves her son and what the objective effect of her actions. I don't know what her favorite memory is with her son. What was his favorite game, the game developer who interned with the CIA while at RIT? Why would you spend so much time cleaning if the primary thing that results of you doing this “favor” is complaining that you have to clean?
I disassociated with her. I couldn't handle it. I didn't “freak out” at the grocery store which I TOLD HER I DIDNT GO TO BUT WAS REPRIMANDED THREE FUCKING TIMES FOR NOT GETTING HER THE DISCOUNT ON THE APPLES SHE FORGOT ANYWAYS BECAUSE MY PHONE NUMBER DIDN'T WORK FOR THE “DISCOUNT” THAT WAS EVEN MORE EXPENSIVE THAN THE OTHER NON-WALMART STORE THAT I DO GO TO AND HAVE BONUSES FOR AND SUGGESTED WE GO TO WITH MY SUGGESTION BEING WAVED AWAY WITH ZERO CONTEMPLATION! Everything I did was wrong. She knew EVERYTHING! There was always a comment when she FORCED HER WILL OVER ME BUT SHES NOT VIOLENT! She just HURTS me.
I understand why my life partner doesn't want anything to do with her, but this is all bullshit. She can't be this incompetent and ignorant. She has to know about the decentralized autonomous organization of secret police and is doing this to prove I got brain problems to the FBI (do it already you dip-ass fuckbois (and girls)), cuz she will be able to lie to a judge OVER my honesty, that much is certain. No limit to what truth will be at a moment. And I'm still reeling.
Like, I don't know what reality is right now. Got this beer. Guy saw me unlock my bike, asks if that [my helmet] would save my life. I was so disassociated that I thought he was saying that would thinking all these thoughts I've put down here for you would save me from the FBI in how they're going to flay me for being a psychopath serial killer cuz I behaved weird on camera in front of children today because I almost had a meltdown, and it's true, and I'm grateful, too. Why is this necessary, God? What have ai done? Reconciliation? Don't do what you're going to. No. Don't. Halp. Help. Fuck that's a shame...
But I am choosing not to smoke. I'm kerfundridging. My prefrontal cortex is out-predicting an urge and remedying against that sin before it happens to limit long-term sin. The magick of a sorcerer. It's like pulling a sling tight and perpetually stretching it's furthest back slot through a clever use of pegs to stall the "effort" needed to offset the peg at each successent stalling point. I have literally, absolutely no idea where I was going with that, WhIcH iS AND iSnT dElIbErAtE, kInDa! Cuz now this shit is art. I can do that. Cut a straight line. Sorry I'm not perfect. I don't know what you're doing, but my God I hope and I pray and I swear to my Lord and Savior, Saul Goodman, that you Know what you're doing. Cuz I sure tf don't AND THAT'S WHAT THEY BET THE FARM ON!
WHOMEVER "THEY" BE OR IS OR ARE, IDK, DURRRR I GOT A DUMB. NOW THE DISHES ARE THE PLACES THE MID-TIER ROACH SHE COMPLAINED WAS GINORMOUS CRAWLS. SHE HAS SUCH COGNITIVE DISSONANCE! DO I? YOUR HONOR, YOU READING THIS SHIT? WEORD NOISE OUTSUDE SAYS YES, ABS THAY TPNI WAS DILIBERATL DUMBASS
I am a man who stares at goats, if anyone is curious. At least, I think I am.
AND THATS ALL THAT MATTERS IN GODS EYES! THEYRE WATCHING MY REGULAROTY WOYN RIGHTING IN SUNSTANCAR. LILRTER DO THEY KNOW, i'm al ways reyarded. OBVIOUSLY!!!
Stop cross talking to me asshole Pete of Pete n Pete bullsheet of the mosquito of my burrito! Just tied me relax. They're gunna rape me. Rvery cop. Jim Davis. He's the cop of the crop. I know where my balls go. Six times six. Crips vs reds. That's it right? 8 write. Cin aversion I got tonnage in my truck. Kill mw. They sapian me. Not good rnough. Must toughag3 mt toughag3. This is bullshit, y'know? I do it on the fringe for affect, fer real, screelah, mc-feelers of dealers that seals the solomon delights of unheard of light of herds might; ethos detruxk fron pathos prime logos don't rhyme says mothra I hera you from behind. On phone liar coffee coughed while said, butt sitting liar liar liar liar liar love love love im sorry I dont know how to be wheb all are jealous of mental illness i am so great he says He saya he directing I only boss. He made me what he make me do. He, not he. Hem the stem of plex deluxe. Gb
Asshole is saying shit about thermal imaging, like they caught me jacking off, alone, cuz my life partner and I ain't done shit worth of shit since we met (nightmare pimino melon says set up, he literally said he's set up. He's talking to my dad. I know this. I know what's happening. Jackasses. Pimino fuck-sticks. I'll tuck my dick into an interlude odc dude play banjo I j8t7lar as all crimal animals doz dug dig backwards like obvs
Asked me if I was good at art, in regards to cutting these things I'm 💯% certain my life partner will hate. That HAD to be deliberate. She's not this oblivious. I'M THIS OBVLIVIOUS! How could she misunderstand art...if her son...is he this broken for real? Is any of this real? I love this woman. I only wish to awaken any other being to their full potential. I don't know how to do that 99.8% of the time. She has the "Vince" problem. Thinks controlling the conversation is winning the argument. Well, here I am, talking to myself and God and God says go fuck myself cuz I was a strong, independent phenomenon, but then I had to come down here in the sixth day to do some funky weaving, and now my dick hears ghosts because my neighbors are reading this as we speak. I know what they're doing. Retards. That's why I'm naked. Because I am intentionally sexually assaulting the FBI agent that is 💯% guaranteed watching me 24/7 (his team, whatever) through my WIFI, because that was razzle dazzled and possiblw when the Dark Knight aired it and conflated the possibility, now 💯% what they are doing to AI IDENTIFY YOU AT ALL TIMES what the fuck was that raspberry inner matrix like they tokd me no fish, and there's noises coming from the kitchen. Ghosts. They can do that, ai know