Building on this comes my shitty idea: English grammar is hard. We need something simpler, more streamlined. Propose Afrikaans grammar for english, let me cite a few paragraphs from the afrikaans wikipedia article:

In Afrikaans grammar, there is no distinction between the infinitive and present forms of verb

In addition, verbs do not conjugate differently depending on the subject.

Only a handful of Afrikaans verbs have a preterite [...] All other verbs use the perfect tense, het + past participle (ge-), for the past. Therefore, there is no distinction in Afrikaans between I drank and I have drunk.

When telling a longer story, Afrikaans speakers usually avoid the perfect and simply use the present tense, or historical present tense instead (as is possible, but less common, in English as well).

Generating an example sentence with OP's and these rules is left as an exercise to the reader.