Red signs you've noticed in partners that made you want to slap your past self?
I have a good one, just popped back into my head and inspired this. We were watching a movie where a wife cheated on her husband and I say "Damn, what a horrible person". And she just loses it, going off on how "that's such a misogynistic thing to say" "how do you know what SHE was going through" etc. I tried to laugh it off because she was hot and it was early in the relationship and I'm stupid but I'll give you one guess why that particular relationship ended lol.
Anyone else have some relationship red flags, major or subtle, that just made you want to go back and slap your past self?
8 replies
One of my first relationships. She was obsessed with documentaries on serial kille
Oh shit someone send out a search party for Troy, his ex got him before he could finish typing
Unfortunately my very first ex from back in highschool is IN one of those murder documentaries. She didn't actually do it, but she's in one as like, "best friend of the accused"? I'm pretty sure she was involved somehow at the least.
Yeah, the red flag grew over time. Not exactly paranoia on my part in terms of being murdered if something -- she wasn't obsessed with being a perpetrator. Rather, she was obsessed with the notion of being a victim. When we were still together I discovered documents she was writing full of rape fantasy (with herself as victim), and that's when I got out.
After I left, she went about slandering me to all my friends telling them how horrible I was. Not just the "oh my god he is bad at sex" stuff that you'd expect, but stuff inspired by her obsession with killers and rapists.
I had a copy of the documents and had a lawyer make a notorized copy. Decades have passed. She became a marginally successful documentary filmmaker and publicly makes claims that she is a rape and abuse survivor and such now, as a way to boost her profile. I'm always afraid she is going to direct her victimhood fetish at me in a public way, so having some ammunition in the event I need to fire back only feels prudent. In a "believe the victim" world, where trials happen on social media, it won't matter that she fabricated it.
The sign I should have noticed... She wanted to be a victim. It was a core element of her personality.
Not to discredit any of this story, but that kind of does sound like a person who was assaulted but repressed the memories and now finds themselves unable to stop thinking about the idea.
I know someone who was sexually assaulted twenty years ago. As it was happening they disassociated and repressed the memories. They just... forgot but kept having terrifying dreams about it and was fascinated with the idea. It nearly ruined their life as they were profoundly anxious and suicidal seemingly for no reason for decades.
One day they had one of their regular nightmares but this time it was them remembering the whole thing. They woke up acting like it had just happened, even though it was twenty years earlier with people they'd not seen since that night. They were hysterical and it took months of therapy to process the trauma. Afterwards though they significantly improved and much of their anxiety and depression just went away. They don't even really talk about it anymore or have nightmares anymore. We were really worried about them and thought they might be bipolar or something. Turns out repressed SA is a real thing and it will mess you up.
Not to say that's what happened to this person, but it's generally not something people are fascinated about and talk about publicly unless something isn't right. Doesn't mean you're in the wrong either, a person who is who obsessed could be dangerous for you as they lash out during flashbacks and stuff.
I personally know at least half a dozen women who are obsessed with murderer mysteries and bondage and all are (as much as can be expected today) mentally healthy with no past traumas. Sometimes a kink is just a kink. Women are just as horny as men.
Though you're right in that that can be a majorly depressed thing. It's possible of course, but it's the whole "when you hear hoofbeats, think horse, not zebra" thing.
How can you really know that they don't have repressed trauma, though? If it's truly that repressed, they could tell you they don't have it and they wouldn't even be lying.
There's a difference between "kink" and "fantasy resulting from repressed trauma" and calling their innocent ex-boyfriends rapists definitely crosses a line that makes it more likely that they aren't as mentally healthy as you think. Healthy people don't do that, IMO these people are either some kind of abuse victims, psycho-/sociopaths/narcissists or fell down some kind of radical feminist rabbithole (IDK if "fell down a rabbithole and acts insane because of it" has a clinical name, but it sure doesn't sound mentally healthy to me).
I wasn't saying OP's ex was healthy, she's clearly got problems, just not necessarily trauma related.. Yeah, agree with you on the sociopath narcissist thing. There are a LOT of bad internet holes to fall down, so who knows. If there's not a name for it already, there should be. I think that's what "chronically online" is sorta aiming at but missing the target.
Wow, that was...a lot more than I was expecting. Fuck dude, that's rough. It sounds like you're a smart guy and have your bases covered but damn, all the same. Must have the patience of a saint too, to not just throw out the info and prove her wrong, I'd still feel personally slandered even if she wasn't naming names. But not getting involved whatsoever is probably the smartest choice.
I had my first fiance accuse me of rape, CSI vans at my place and everything. It never went anywhere because it didn't fucking happen but when I asked to press charges I remember the words I was told very vividly; "Unless you have video or a third person party witness there's nothing we can do". So I can just get my life ruined for no reason whatsoever on someone's whim and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it unless you sign up for a throuple. Destroyed my trust in people. If I wasn't lucky enough to actually get a good detective who listened assigned I'd probably still be in jail right now because of her lie. She's a soldier now so that makes sense.