Doing so causes your internet service to cut out for several hours.

Being the first known human to fully interface with a machine also leads to the discovery of cross-platform illnesses.

You are the first human to experience the effects of a backdoor trojan firsthand.

I dunno about slapping, but I definitely remember flashing.

It only works on depressed people.

whenever a bird chirps you hear the actual meaning of its song, as if it were shouted at you in your native tongue.

You also have Tourette's

But you are blind

But your keys keep disappearing, even though you know you've put them there.

fuji discontinued the film your memory uses

The only thing you can remember is what the inside of your own lower intestine like like.

you now have access to cursed, ancient knowledge and it drives you crazy

... but you are a callcenter agent working in first level IT support.

But you have to lie everytime you communicate

Written/spoken in random language every time

The size of pea

The lobster are horse sized and crave human flesh.

But they can summon you as well

You start bumping into invisible billboards all the time.

You realize you are living in North Korea.

They are blocked by obnoxious flashing and loud beeping noises.

Walking on the ground is always slippery

You have no built in shock absorption and the substance you secrete that allows you to stick to walls also gives you eczema.

You get vertigo every time you jump

But you're the size of an ant

Now he forgot his cigarettes.

He brings his new family

Your perfume-like scent acts as a pheromone to all insects in your proximity, leading to an endless swarm everywhere you go

All smells you used to enjoy smell like bodily functions.

But you're still affected by gravity so you immediately start freefall into the centre of the earth

But everytime you do it you get sued for patent infringement

When they die, they have already stung you and the bites are 2x more itchy.

but only for things you are wearing

Your clothes don't get invisibility, so you have to get naked and eventually die of hypothermia.

But you start to stink really bad

And require flesh for sustenance

And they continue to grow at the same pace.

what about fruit? perfectly ripe for lunch the next day?

They grow immediately, which leads to you getting either stuck inside a tree with wood in your lungs or getting impaled by a plant.

In doing so you also grant the plant sentience with a mind that develops at the same pace as its physical maturity.

These plants are fully aware that

A. They have been robbed of a full life, B. They exist solely for the harvest C. They are the only ones of their kind and are alone in the vast uncaring universe beyond the prison you call a “window sill”.

They also see you planting other seeds and understand that makes you their parent. It’s a lot to process.

But you become extremely jaded and disappointed in anyone younger than yourself, overcome with än irredeemable urge to tell people to pull themselves up by their bootstraps

... and they see you. You remind them of the taste of food. It's been so long.

...but everyone already knows that before they see the movie about your life.

They don't understand you

They don’t like you.

You have prostate cancer

Pressing one inconvenience-fixing button also causes a random inconvenience in the list to reoccur. Hope you like invisible splinters in your socks and random hiccups every time you want to cure your allergies.

When you push one of those buttons, it's effect is random.

You fall asleep easily, but you have wicked sleep apnea.

You can stop humming songs but it dials the intrusive thoughts up to 11

Good news, your light headaches have been replaced with moderate migraines.

You can postpone your hunger for 3 hours, but anything you consume within that window you permanently develop a sickness taste aversion to.

The ringing in your ear has been replaced with the Wilhelm scream.

The itching has stopped. The only price was IBS.

But you shit yourself while you're going home every time.

Retrying these fumbled social interactions can occasionally lead to absurdly consequential butterfly effects that rock the foundations of the world around you. Every disaster stemming from a social retake is preceded by a benign itch in the back of your ear. Sometimes you just get that itch for literally no reason anyway, though.

None of those objects are yours.

You have to sort through every object anyone has ever lost to do so

Any object you locate begins looking for you

But it also has no speed limit, causing items you pull around to reach light speed almost instantly, effectively growing to infinite size for the duration of the pull

You are a cat 🐱

U have prostate cancer

When you do, you are locked in place and cannot move.

But every time you do it, you fall asleep until someone else wakes you up with the magic formula "wake up, you dummy! Wake up!" When you wake up the effect is over.

You forget the critical 20% of what you learnt when you need it the most.